Friday, March 7, 2008

Friday Sketch War: New Job Edition

What time is it, kids? That's right! It's Sketch War time!

You say you want to get in on the action? Great! Just write a sketch and post a link. It's just that easy.

I thought I'd be the first one out of the gate this morning, but Richard's the early bird today. Bastard.

Update: Dave's chimed in with this horrifying look at the future.

The New Job

(A conference room. Martin sits at a table. He is clean-cut, wearing a nice suit and tie. James, also in suit and tie is manning a slide projector, which Martin has been watching. James turns it off.)

JAMES: I think that’s everything.

(Martin sits dumbfounded. James begins packing up the equipment.)

JAMES: Sir? Are you all right?

MARTIN: Is this some kind of joke?

JAMES: I’m afraid not.

MARTIN: Everything you just told me is true?

JAMES: All of it.

MARTIN: I don’t know what to say.

JAMES: It takes a little while to let it all sink in.

MARTIN: We have to tell people about all this.

JAMES: I’m afraid we can’t.

MARTIN: I don’t understand.

JAMES: Can you image the sense of outrage? Of panic? People would never believe us again if they found out the truth behind any one of these stories, let alone all of them. No, you’ve been briefed because you have to maintain the stories as they have been reported.

MARTIN: But it’s all been lies.

JAMES: It’s for their own good.

MARTIN: I believed those lies once too.

JAMES: Yes, sir, at the time you were not allowed to know the real stories.

MARTIN: I don’t think I can do this.

JAMES: There's no turning back now, sir.

MARTIN: But I can’t go out there and face them, day after day, knowing all this and lying to them.

JAMES: It has to be this way to make things run smoothly.

MARTIN: The people will believe me. They trust me.

JAMES: That's the general idea.

MARTIN: Who else knows about this?

JAMES: There are only twelve of us. Thirteen including yourself now.

MARTIN: The people deserve to know this information.

JAMES: I understand your indignation. Everyone who views this information for the first time feels the same way. But I assure you, that this has all be kept secret out of absolute necessity and will remain that way.

MARTIN: Some people are already spreading this information.

JAMES: They’re lucky guessers. Theorists. And they’ve all been discredited as crackpots and tinfoil hat wearing lunatics.

MARTIN: I just can’t wrap my mind around it. All the lives that have been lost.

JAMES: Patriots, all.

MARTIN: It all seems so senseless.

JAMES: Not when you’re thinking about the greater good, sir. Which you have to do from here on out.

MARTIN: Greater good?

JAMES: Yes, sir. There is an agenda here that is bigger than all of us and we cannot let the thought of a few hundred thousand deaths stop us from the work that must be done.

MARTIN: What happens if I decide to tell people about this?

JAMES: You’ll be replaced.

MARTIN: But you just can’t replace one of the most recognized people in the world without a few questions being raised.

JAMES: We can and we have. More than likely you’d be lost at sea. Tragic plane crash returning home from some diplomatic gathering.

MARTIN: But then the next person who watched this would know what happened to me.

JAMES: Yes, sir. And hopefully they would more fully understand the importance of these secrets and choose to keep them as such.

MARTIN: So, basically, to put it bluntly, if I don’t keep my mouth shut, you’ll shut it for me?

JAMES: Yes, sir.

(Kelly, a well dressed woman, pokes her head in the door.)

KELLY: (To Martin) They’re ready for you, sir.

MARTIN: I just need a moment.

(Kelly and James exchange a look.)

JAMES: (To Kelly) He’s fine.

(Kelly exits. James has put away all the gear and produces a suit bag which he lays on the table.)

JAMES: Show time.

(Martin just stares at the bag.)

JAMES: What’s it going to be?

(Martin rises and crosses to the suit bag.)

MARTIN: What choice do I have? I’m in.

JAMES: Glad to hear it, sir. I’ll let you get changed. And let me be the first to welcome you to the family. “Ronald”.

MARTIN: Thanks. (Beat) I’m loving it.

JAMES: That’s the spirit.

(They shake hands and James leaves. Martin opens the suit bag and pulls out a bright red wig and a white and yellow clown suit. He begins applying white makeup to his face. As James opens the door we hear a crowd of children cheering.)



R.A. Porter said...

Like an old man, young enough to program a VCR's clock, but confused by "clicking links" on the "World Wide Interweb", I wrote the following comment on the wrong post. Michael graciously pointed that out to me by mocking my vision. I could blame Blogger, but in reality the fault lies within.

This one made me so mad! The secrets they're keeping from us, not for our own good, but their own profit. Where's Morgan Spurlock when you need him?

I'm so angry that I'm literally in pain. You should see me Grimace.

Typical though, that some bourgeoisie bastards would keep the truth from us. Some Burger is always keeping down the good working folk.

I just wanna grab them by the throats and Shake!

They should Fry!

NotNits said...

Here's the problem. The three of us are fighting to a draw.

We need another adversary who will either kick all of our asses - or whom we can gang up on in the camaraderie of the battle-weary.

R.A. Porter said...

You're absolutely correct. I've been trying for weeks to bring some other people on to no avail. But in light of your comment I think I should expand the pool of people I'm asking. We could all beat fifth graders, right? Fourth graders?