Fuck Leonardo DiCaprio

(JUSTIN and CRAIG, two twentysomethings, are sitting on a couch in their shared apartment. JUSTIN is reading a People magazine, and CRAIG is operating a video game controller.)

JUSTIN (looking up from his magazine)
Fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.

CRAIG
What?

JUSTIN
Oh, it’s just... he’s “romantically linked with Israeli supermodel Bar Refaeli.”

CRAIG
There are Israeli supermodels?

JUSTIN
And before that it was Gisele Bündchen, and who knows who else. The guy goes through beautiful women like Kleenex. I’m so jealous.

CRAIG
Eh. I used to be.

JUSTIN
Before you became gay?

CRAIG
No. The way I see it, someone is having sex with supermodels. Score one for us.

JUSTIN
Who’s “us”?

CRAIG
Men. Somewhere out there, there’s a man having sex with models. Yay men.

JUSTIN
Yeah, I don’t feel any luckier.

CRAIG
The real tragedy would be if these women were wandering around with nobody to throw them to the ground and do them in the soft grass. Would you want to live in a world like that?

(pause)

JUSTIN
No.

CRAIG
Leonardo DiCaprio was available, and qualified, and he stepped up. Try saying this. What’s this model’s name?

JUSTIN
Bar Refaeli.

CRAIG
Say, “Leonardo DiCaprio and I are fucking Bar Refaeli.”

JUSTIN
“Leonardo DiCaprio and I are fucking Bar Refaeli.”

CRAIG
Congratulations, dude. She sounds hot.

(pause)

JUSTIN
We don’t have any Oscars though.

CRAIG
No, but you and Jack Nicholson have a shitload.

JUSTIN
Hey, yeah.

CRAIG
And... (he throws down the video game controller) Leonardo DiCaprio and I just beat your high score in “Centipede.”

JUSTIN
Fuck both of you.