It's Three A.M.

(Nighttime. The Oval Office is dark and empty. Several moments pass. Then the calm is pierced by the sound of a phone ringing. It rings a second time. And a third. Finally, we hear the shuffling of someone approaching. The door opens, and in stumbles PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA, tightening the belt on his bathrobe. He flicks on the light and picks up the receiver on the red emergency telephone.)

OBAMA
This is President Obama. (pause) Hello?

(The phone continues ringing.)

OBAMA
Shit.

(He jabs two keys on the telephone, hangs the phone up, then picks up the receiver again.)

OBAMA
Hello?

(The phone continues ringing.)

OBAMA
Dammit.

(OBAMA hangs up, then falls into a chair and rubs his temples, listening to the phone ring a few more times. Finally, resigned, he pulls out his cell phone and dials. He covers his other ear as he waits for an answer.)

OBAMA
Come on... Pick up...
(pause)
Hillary? It’s Barack again... Yes, I know what time it is, I’m sorry. But it seems that something’s happening in the world, and, well, I suppose you can hear for yourself... Yes... No, I already tried pressing star-nine, and it just kept ringing... All right, hold on.

(He presses two keys on the red phone and picks up the receiver again.)

OBAMA
President Obama, White House.

(The phone keeps ringing.)

OBAMA
No, Hillary, it didn’t work, I told you... It’s what?... Stuck in conference mode? What the hell is conference mode?... Unplug the phone? If I unplug it and plug it back in, won’t I disconnect the call?... Listen, that may have worked in the 90s, but things have changed in Washing– Okay! Okay, I’ll try it.

(OBAMA falls to his hands and knees and feels around under the table for the phone cord. But soon the ringing stops and is replaced by a tinny recording of “Hail to the Chief.”)

OBAMA
Crap, it went to the machine.

(We hear a recorded message playing.)

OBAMA (RECORDING)
Hello, you’ve reached Barack Obama...

PAUL (RECORDING)
...and Ron Paul...

MICHELLE (RECORDING)
...and Michelle!

OBAMA (RECORDING)
We can’t come to the phone right now, but please leave us a detailed message at the beep. Stay full of hope, America!

(beep)

MAHMOUD (ON ANSWERING MACHINE)
Mr. Obama. It’s President Ahmadinejad. I can only assume by your failure to answer that you do not take my threat seriously.

(OBAMA frantically presses buttons on the phone.)

OBAMA
Mahmoud! Wait! Hello?

MAHMOUD (ON ANSWERING MACHINE)
It is therefore that I have launched my sleeping-baby-seeking missiles, aimed at households across your country’s heartland. Perhaps next time, you will take my call. Ahmadinejad, out.

(Click. Dial tone. OBAMA falls to his knees and beseeches the heavens.)

OBAMA
NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

(OBAMA weeps on the floor. An inset appears of HILLARY CLINTON, festooned with American flag pins, hoisting a Bible and breastfeeding an infant. She gazes at the baby for a second, then whispers to us.)

CLINTON
I’m Hillary Clinton, and I approve this horrifying vision of a world without me as President. (She looks to the baby.) Shhhhh... shhhhhh....