Bookworms

(A public library at night. JOYCE is a librarian, bespectacled, primly dressed, her hair in a bun. She is closing up for the night, saying “goodbye” to the final patrons and locking the door behind them. She turns off the overhead fluorescent lights and heads back to the counter. She stretches, exhausted.)

(Suddenly, she leaps up and sits on the counter. She flicks a switch and is awash with radiant spotlights. A raunchy, sexy drum loop begins. She removes her glasses and flings them away with abandon. She reaches behind her head and removes a pin, sensually shaking her long, luxurious hair around her shoulders. She launches into a rap.)

JOYCE
You’re waitin’ in the straight lines,
I’m dolin’ out the late fines.
I love a page-turner (so you’ve heard through the grape vines).
You sidle to the counter like you’re readin’ off the book spines.

Let’s see your card.

What’s on your mind?
You wanna be my lover?
The only date you’ll get from me is stamped inside the cover.
I got stacks of new releases, so ya better not hover.

Don’t try so hard.

Yeah, I’ve seen ya. Lurkin’ in the shelves,
Like a schoolboy giggling at Our Bodies, Ourselves.
You’re too overdue, which goes to confirm,
You ain’t quite man enough to handle this bookworm.

(JOYCE bumps and grinds while MYRTLE, another buttoned-up librarian, enters. MYRTLE flings off her glasses, undoes her hair, unbuttons the top button on her blouse and takes over.)

MYRTLE (pointing to the various aisles)
History and mystery,
Geography, biography,
Psychology, theology,
Feel like gettin’ knowledge-y?

JOYCE
Damn!

MYRTLE
Hell yeah, y’all ain’t gettin’ no apology!
Language is elastic, better check your etymology!

JOYCE
True dat!

MYRTLE
Rifle through my card catalog.
Yeah that’s right, I work it old school, analog.

It’s all right here, systematic and methodical.
The heaviest tome to the lightest periodical.
The infinite down to the infinitesimal.

JOYCE
You better get acquainted with the Dewey decimal.

MYRTLE
It’s all about the Melvils.

JOYCE
Gotta find it where I stack it.

JOYCE & MYRTLE
If you wanna peek inside my dust jacket.

MYRTLE
You think you belong in our philosophy section?

JOYCE
You’re a Norman Vincent Peale in a Chomsky collection.

MYRTLE
Now you’re layin’ down your learnin’?

JOYCE
Expectin’ me to squirm?

JOYCE & MYRTLE
You ain’t got the skills to impress this bookworm.

(JOYCE and MYRTLE dance ass-to-ass. LOUISE, a third librarian, glides in on a book cart. She leaps off, flings away her glasses, undoes her hair, and tears away her blouse, revealing a glittery bra.)

JOYCE & MYRTLE
Research!

LOUISE
That’s why there’s cards in here!

JOYCE & MYRTLE
Rare books!

LOUISE
That’s why there’s guards in here!

JOYCE & MYRTLE
Old bums!

LOUISE
That’s why it stinks in here!
Don’t bring no food or drinks in here!

You gotta lotta nerve, droppin’ off your son and daughter,
Then checkin’ out my ass while they check out Harry Potter.
Hell, look all you want, but try not to pout.
I’m a reference librarian, so you can’t take me out.

You can access all these books for free
But not my Gray’s Anatomy.
Don’t know a dirty word? Just come to me.
I’ll point you to the OED.
Ya down with OED?

JOYCE & MYRTLE
Yeah, you know me!

LOUISE
Ya down with OED?

JOYCE & MYRTLE
Yeah, you know me!

LOUISE
Ya down with OED?

JOYCE & MYRTLE
Yeah, you know me!

LOUISE
Who’s down with OED?

JOYCE & MYRTLE
This li-brar-y!

(Enter FRAN, an older, more dignified librarian. She is disgusted.)

FRAN
Hey!
(The music stops cold, and JOYCE, MYRTLE and LOUISE stop dancing.)
What the hell is going on in here?
(The other LIBRARIANS look sheepishly to the floor.)
You gotta hike up them skirts, lay-deeees!

(FRAN rolls her skirt up at the waist, revealing her ankles. The other LIBRARIANS cheer, and the music starts up again.)

JOYCE, MYRTLE & LOUISE
Awwww, yeah!!!!

FRAN
All other librarians,
Take our advice
And keep real quiet!

JOYCE, MYRTLE & LOUISE
Shush it good!

FRAN
’Cause if you step to us,
There’s gonna be a riot!

JOYCE, MYRTLE & LOUISE
Shush it real good!

JOYCE
All you other book-bitches? I don’t mean to slander ya!

MYRTLE
But we run the tightest since the one at Alexandria!

LOUISE
But if you insist, and you want a brawl…

FRAN
We’ll take it fist-to-fist, like Mailer and Vidal!

ALL
Just keep your head low and agree to our terms.

FRAN
There’s no way in hell you can beat these bookworms.

(ALL cross their arms in front of their chests.)

ALL
Words.