Friday, April 18, 2008

FSW: Great Outdoors Edition

Another week come and gone. I would have had this up sooner, but I've been hiding under my desk in case another aftershock rolls through here. Earthquakes are only supposed to happen in Third World Countries and California. Not the Midwest.

Anyhow, Richard came out, guns a-blazing, with a funny party planning idea.

No word from Dave yet, but I'm sure he's brewing up something. Unless he's busy putting up drywall.

And I haven't heard from Red in a week. Maybe the folks at her church didn't find her sketch last week all that amusing.

Here's my offering for the week. Enjoy. And as always, feel free to play along. We'd love to read some more sketches.

The Great Outdoors

(Somewhere in the forest. MAGGIE and HARRY stumble in. They are dressed for hiking, both with backpacks. They look pretty beat-up and disheveled.)

MAGGIE: (Out of breath) That’s it. I’m done.

(She sits on a rock and takes off her pack.)

HARRY: (Also out of breath) No. Come on. We have to keep moving.

MAGGIE: I can’t take another step.

(She takes out a canteen and opens it. She up-ends it and a couple of drops fall into her mouth. She throws the canteen over her shoulder.)

MAGGIE: That was the last of the water. Harry, let’s face it, we’re done for.

HARRY: We can’t give up. What does Survivorman say? 90% of the battle is keeping your spirits up.

MAGGIE: Fuck Survivorman and fuck your happy spirit. We’re going to die out here and our bodies will probably be eaten by wolves.

HARRY: Honey, we’ve only been out here a day.

MAGGIE: There’s so much I wanted to do with my life. I can’t believe it’s over.

HARRY: That’s no way to talk. We’re going to get through this.

MAGGIE: Listen, Harry, there are some things you should know. Some things I need to get off my chest before I die.

HARRY: Um…okay.

MAGGIE: I’ve had a few affairs.


MAGGIE: All right. All right. I’ve had a lot of affairs.

HARRY: Maggie, why?

MAGGIE: Because you’re crap in bed, Harry. And because I need lots and lots of sex.

HARRY: Was it with anyone I know?

MAGGIE: Pretty much everyone you know.

HARRY: If the sex is so bad, then why did you marry me?

MAGGIE: Are you serious? Harry, you’re filthy rich. I haven’t had to work a day in the last seven years. I just went shopping and went to spas and had sex every day. I felt like a goddess.

HARRY: You only married me for my money?

MAGGIE: Heavens no. You are also friends with some of the hottest actors in Hollywood.

HARRY: You slept with George?

MAGGIE: George, Brad, I slept with all of them. Sometimes two or three at a time.

(Harry sits down on rock.)

MAGGIE: Wow. This feels great. I’ve been holding all of this in for so long. You should give it a try. Is there anything that you’ve kept secret that’s been weighing heavily on your soul?

HARRY: No. My life is an open book. I share everything with you.

MAGGIE: Okay, so it’s just me then. It’s a shame too, because this really feels great. Um, what else?

HARRY: There’s more?

MAGGIE: Oh! You remember that housekeeper who I thought stole my earrings?

HARRY: Ruth? Who’d been with my family since I was a boy? Who practically raised me?

MAGGIE: That’s the one. Well, I didn’t fire her. I killed her.

HARRY: What?!

MAGGIE: We got into an argument about the jewelry. One thing let to another and I brained her with your humanitarian award. Funny thing was, I found the earrings at Billy’s apartment the next morning. I felt so stupid.

HARRY: Billy? My brother?

MAGGIE: And father of your “son”. Are you all right? You don’t look so good.

HARRY: I…my life…I thought you…

(Maggie puts her arm around him.)

MAGGIE: There, there. If it makes you feel any better, I’ve never felt closer to you than I do right now.

HARRY: You’re only saying that because you think you’re about to die.

MAGGIE: But doesn’t it make you feel a little better?


MAGGIE: All right then.

(There is a rustling in the woods. They both jump up to see what’s coming. EARL stumbles out of the bushes, twirling a toilet paper roll on his finger.)

EARL: Whoa! Hey, sorry. I didn’t realize there was anyone over here. I was just looking for a place to do a little logging. If you know what I mean?

MAGGIE: Where did you come from?

EARL: That campsite over there. Listen, I’d love to stay and chat, but natures getting ready to kick down my back door. If you know what I mean?

(Earl exits.)

MAGGIE: Did you know where we were this whole time?

HARRY: Pretty much.

MAGGIE: But why? I mean, we were just…I thought that…I don’t understand.

HARRY: I wanted to create a lasting memory for our anniversary.

MAGGIE: Our wha-? Is that this month?

HARRY: Today.

MAGGIE: Oh, honey! Happy Anniversary!

(Maggie goes to hug him, but he stops her.)

HARRY: You don’t have to pretend anymore. Why don’t you go over to the campsite and get something to eat. I’ll call the helicopter and we’ll go home. Then we’ll discuss what happened here today.

MAGGIE: Okay. But know that I’d do anything. Anything. To not be divorced from you.

HARRY: Good to know.

(Maggie heads off toward the camp. Harry takes a deep breath and look around. After a moment, Earl pops out from behind some bushes.)

EARL: Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear. If you want, me and some buddies can make sure she never leaves these woods.

HARRY: Thanks for the offer, but I can’t kill her off, she’s my bread and butter.

EARL: I beg your pardon?

HARRY: I’ve been filming her while she has sex with my friends, then selling the videos online. I’ve made more money in the last seven years than I’ve ever seen before. No, I’m going to make this marriage work. (Beat) But maybe you can help me.

EARL: How’s that?

HARRY: I think a nice outdoor film could be a real big seller.

EARL: If it’ll help you out, I’d love to bang your wife.

HARRY: I’d be much obliged.

(Harry puts his arm around Earl’s shoulder and they walk off toward the camp.)



R.A. Porter said...

Very nice! I think I know her...

Paul said...


Paul said...

The humanitarian aware was a nice touch.

Red said...

very very nice!