Friday Night Sketch Skirmish: Christmas Presents Edition

Coyote is indisposed for another week, but he reports back that Turkish prisons are surprisingly easy to escape from and that Mediterranean yachts are surprisingly easy to commandeer, so he'll be back for wrapups next week.

This time around: sure it was Christmas, sure we were all busy, but the Sketch War train stops for no holiday! Well, okay, it does slow down a bit -- this week we did a one-time only "sketch skirmish" of two-line scenes on the topic "Christmas Presents".

• Coyote came up with "The Aftermath of the Magi".
  
• Ken delivered political commentary.
  
• And I (Peter) talked about arachnids.
  

Stay tuned for next week, when we ring in the new year with sketches about resolutions!

As always, Sketch War is open to anyone who wants to participate. All you have to do this week is write a sketch about resolutions and contact us at sketchwar at dreamloom dot com.

Christmas Presents Skirmish: The Aftermath of the Magi

INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - DAY

JIM YOUNG, in his 20s with sharply creased pants, shiny from too much wear, stands at the RETURNS COUNTER opposite MIRIAM, efficient and professional.

MIRIAM

What a lovely story, Mr. Young! So do you want to exchange the chain for a nice hat, or maybe a wig?

JIM

Actually, I was wondering if I could get store credit for these combs. I noticed you've got Xbox 360s on sale today.

BLACKOUT:

Sketch Skirmish, "Christmas Presents" Edition, Peter's Entry

Friday Sketch Skirmish
Christmas Presents Edition
"Christmas Presents"

FADE IN:

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Christmas tree. Fireplace. Cozy.

MAN 1 cheerfully hands MAN 2 a wrapped present.

Man 2 takes it and walks O. S.

Sounds of unwrapping.

MAN 2

Gahhh! Spiders! SPIDERS!!!

AAAAAHH --

A door SLAMS.

MAN 1

(scoffs)

Expensive spiders.

FADE OUT.

Christmas Skirmish: Ken's Entry

INT. OFFICE - DAY

One very agitated man (MAN 1) stands in front of a bigdesk, while MAN 2 suit sits behind it.

MAN 1

(a bit pissy and "nelly")

I KNOW I’m high maintenance, and I know I just take and take and take from this relationship without giving a thing. But you and I both know that I own your ass, and if you don’t give me a really big expensive package this Christmas, I will have a complete breakdown, blame YOU for it, and take everyone around me down too!!!

MAN 2

(with a slight Texas drawl)

Fine, whatever it takes to shut you up.....I’ll give you 17 billion dollars now, but you have to share with Chrysler and Ford, and if you want any more money you’ll have to talk to congress after Obama is inaugurated and I’m out of here, okay?

Friday Night Sketch War: 3:34am Edition

Coyote is temporarily indisposed, and has left it to me to sum up the latest Friday Sketch War. Since I'm lazy, I'll subcontract the job out to Mr. Joey Weitzman:

---

Alright, this week they didn't <bleep> around, they were all, "Yeah, we're so <bleep>ing hard we can do any <bleep>ing topic we want."

So somebody was all, "Oh yeah? <bleep> it, let's write sketches about '3:34am'!"

And another <bleep> was all, "That's not funny at all!"

And then they punched that guy in the face. And they said, "Yeah, this week's <bleep>ing topic is 3:34am! We can do this <bleep> because we are bad-<bleep> mother<bleep>ers."

• So then Coyote writes this sketch about Jared, who's just tryin' to sleep, man. I'll bet that, like, he's really a ninja, and he's all "<bleep> it, my master says not to bust out killing people," and he's all, like, conflicted and stuff.
  
• And then Ken's like, "Whut whut?" and he throws down this sketch about Santa. Yeah, you might think Santa's all weak and <bleep>. Think again. Santa will <bleep> you up.
  
• And finally Peter slammed down this one, which is like THIS CLOSE to having a unicorn in it. Yeah, you might think you're awesome, but you're sure as <bleep> not UNICORN-AWESOME.

I don't know which fighter won, but I do know for positively <bleep>ing certain that that "not-funny" lost. Yeah.

---

Thanks, Joey!

This coming Friday is the day after Christmas, so we have a unique holiday challenge. The "Sketch Skirmish" is to come up with the best two-line scene on the topic "Christmas Presents". Then, on January second, we resume normal Sketch Wars.

Sketch War, "3:34am" Edition, Peter's Entry

Friday Sketch War
3:34AM Edition
“Building Maintenance”

BLACKNESS

A light SWITCHES ON to REVEAL --

INT. CONFERENCE AREA - NIGHT

SANJAY walks into an ad-hoc meeting-space in a vast, dark office floor. It has a couple of couches and a coffee table.

A projection screen (now blank) occupies a nearby wall.

A large mechanical device sits in the middle of the area.

A wall clock tells us it’s 3:34. The darkened windows along the wall tell us it’s 3:34am.

Sanjay wears a nice suit. He chugs down a big mug of coffee as he walks in.

He puts down the mug. Takes a breath.

A NOISE from the darkness.

Sanjay peers around. Nothing.

SANJAY

Screen on.

The projection screen blips on. It shows MR. ABBAS, sitting somewhere expensive and sunny and staring at the screen.

MR. ABBAS

Four minutes late.

SANJAY

Oh. I can explain.

MR. ABBAS

I’m kidding! It’s a joke!

SANJAY

Ha.

MR. ABBAS

You can be late -- it is, what, three in the morning where you are?

OMINOUS SOUNDTRACK MUSIC fades in on the office PA system.

SANJAY

We pride ourselves on professionalism, sir. We’re more than happy to accommodate your schedule, because...

He trails off. Where the hell did that music come from?

MR. ABBAS

Is that music?

SANJAY

Yes. Is that a problem?

MR. ABBAS

No, just show this machine to me.

SANJAY

Of course, sir.

In the background, a JANITOR enters and lays a long piece of brightly-colored TAPE on the floor. Sanjay hasn’t noticed him yet --

SANJAY

This is just a model of the EP-71, but -- bwah!

That’s Sanjay noticing the janitor.

MR. ABBAS

What?

SANJAY

Just one moment, sir. Screen off.

Screen blips off.

The janitor finishes laying down the length of tape. Sanjay just stares at him. By way of explanation --

JANITOR

Tuesday night. So I tape.

-- and off he goes.

SANJAY

Screen on. Sorry, I --

MR. ABBAS

I have no time. Show me this machine! Now!

SANJAY

This is just a model, but it demonstrates --

Janitor re-enters, dumping a pile of small beanbags behind the tape line. Off Sanjay’s look --

JANITOR

Tuesday!

He re-exits.

SANJAY

-- demonstrates the drilling capabilities of the real device.

The janitor re-enters, moves the couches to the wall while Sanjay soldiers on.

SANJAY

The innovative design saves over 30% in spillage and --

The janitor starts dragging the machine away.

SANJAY

Screen off!

Screen blips off.

SANJAY

What the hell! What are you doing?

JANITOR

Tuesday!

SANJAY

Please just leave this machine here. Please.

Janitor shrugs, exits.

SANJAY

Screen on.

Screen blips on.

SANJAY

Sorry about that. Now --

ANNE (O.S.)

Lightning bolt!

A beanbag hits Sanjay in the head.

SANJAY

What?

And suddenly a bunch of EXECS, including ANNE and the CEO, rush in.

They’re dressed in Ren Faire/fantasy costumes, brandishing Nerf swords, and throwing beanbags at one another while shouting D&D spell names: “Magic missile!”, “Heal!”, et cetera. (Anne only ever says “Lightning bolt!”)

The CEO wears a hood that conceals his face.

They nearly knock Sanjay down in the bustle.

The CEO triumphantly jumps behind the tape.

CEO

Aha! The forces of Melchior have activated the magic wall!

Anne throws a beanbag at him.

ANNE

Lightning bolt!

CEO

‘Magic wall’.

ANNE

Sorry.

The CEO sees the beanbag pile.

CEO

And now we have a stash of new spells!

A few execs cheer.

SANJAY

What are you people doing?

The CEO pulls back the hood.

CEO

Live-action D&D, Sanjay.

SANJAY

Oh. Boss. Hi.

MR. ABBAS

This is not good! And unprofessional!

CEO

You’re meeting with Abbas now? During the game?

SANJAY

Game?

CEO

Fix this.

The CEO leads the EXECS away.

CEO (O.S.)

This castle is protected by an evil wizard! We must escape!

Sanjay faces the screen. Mr. Abbas is not happy.

SANJAY

I -- this isn’t -- let’s get back to the machine --

MR. ABBAS

I’m kidding! It is fine. I play like that all the time. I am a fifth-level bard.

SANJAY

I -- what?

MR. ABBAS

But -- no time. Do this again same time tomorrow?

SANJAY

Okay. Sure.

MR. ABBAS

Screen off.

The screen blips off.

Sanjay collapses on a couch.

ANNE (O.S.)

Lightning bolt!

A beanbag flies in from offscreen and hits Sanjay in the head.

He lies down and goes to sleep.

BLACKOUT.

Ken's Entry - 3:34 AM editon

I couldn't resist a little Seasonal flavoring - so here's my offering for 3:34 am:

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

ZACH and his wife MARION, both in their late 30’s / early 40’s, are asleep in their bed. The lights are out, the clock radio on the night stand shows 3:34, and the only illumination is a shaft of moonlight through the window. A light snowfall drifts lazily down outside.

The bedroom door opens a sliver showing a little light from the hallway. Five or six small silhouettes creep inside the door. They move slowly and silently towards the bed. As they get about half way there it becomes obvious they are wearing some sort of high-tech head gear that goes over their eyes. They raise their hands to their eyes, and click an unseen switch. A quiet "whir" is heard, and a green glow comes from lenses over the figures eyes. The head gear is some sort of high-tech night vision. One small figure makes military-type hand gestures to the others, and they flank the bed. They hold position as the lead figure raises a fist in the air, then yanks it down quickly, as if to say "go". In a blur of motion the small figures strap ZACH and MARION to the bed with garland and gag them with oranges. One silhouette flips the light switch on in the room as the others tilt the bed up. ZACH and MARION struggle against their bonds to no avail. All of the small silhouettes are now revealed to be Christmas elves in camo face-paint, and black special forces-style gear (but with curly-toed shoes of course). One elf, PETEY, talks into his headset mic.

PETEY

Tree this is Trimming, over.

TOMMY (V.O. ON MIC)

This is Tree, go Trimming.

PETEY

Tree, nothing is stirring, not even a mouse. Send in Big Red.

TOMMY (V.O. ON MIC)

Roger, Trimming. Big Red is inbound.

The door opens again, and SANTA walks in, looking a bit pissed. He walks slowly over to the bed where ZACH and MARION struggle against their bonds.

SANTA

Soo....Zach and Marion Webster, of 425 Willow Drive. That you?

ZACH and MARION nod slowly.

SANTA

And you got three lovely, lovely children...Austin, Dylan and Cailyn?

ZACH and MARION nod yes again.

SANTA

WE need to have a little talk. Petey here is going to remove those oranges so we can talk, nice and civilized. We can be grownups here, right?

ZACH and MARION nod again

SANTA

But one shout and my boys will go to town on you.

PETEY holds up a stuffed Christmas stocking.

SANTA

Those are filled with broken candy canes. They don’t leave bruises but they mess you up inside. We understand one another?

MARION and ZACH nod yet again, their eyes a lot wider now. SANTA nods to PETEY, and PETEY gestures to the other elves to remove the oranges. ZACH and MARION inhale sharply.

ZACH

You’re...I mean you look like...

SANTA

Santa Claus...Kris Kringle, Saint Nick, Father Christmas whatever you want to call me.

MARION

But..you’re nice...why would you...

SANTA

Bind a torture a nice couple like you?

ZACH

Torture?

SANTA

Maybe...depends.

MARION

On what?

SANTA

On how cooperative you plan on being.

ZACH

You’re Santa Claus...we’re happy to help you out any way we can.

SANTA

Oh yeah? Then tell me...Austin, Dylan and Cailyn....naughty or nice?

ZACH and MARION look at each other. SANTA gestures to PETEY. Several elves move in and whack ZACH with filled Christmas stockings. ZACH winces in pain.

SANTA

I thought you were gonna be all cooperative with jolly old Saint Nick?

MARION

We’ll cooperate! We’ll cooperate!

SANTA

So are they naughty or nice, Marion?

MARION

I...I...

SANTA

Naughty or nice??? Answer me!!!

SANTA gestures and the elves whack Marion with the stuffed stockings.

ZACH

Stop it! Please!

SANTA

Answer me!

MARION

I thought knew these things...you know, "sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake"?

SANTA

Well you thought wrong. Watching Children 24 / 7 is immoral. I don’t know what pedophile freak decided to attribute that to me, but if I ever catch the son of a bitch I will personally stuff that mother fucker down his own goddamn chimney.

ZACH

Spying on children is wrong but torturing parents is okay?

PETEY moves to hit ZACH with the sack again but SANTA waves him off. SANTA goes over and grabs ZACH’s face.

SANTA

Look my friend, there is a war on. I pop down the wrong chimney one night and BOOM! I’m a hostage with a ransom video showing 24/7 on Al Jazeera. Maybe I some bad naughty-versus-nice intelligence on some kid, so I give him a that robotic Lego thingy he wants. Next thing I know his making improvised explosive devices and dropping them by the side of the road. Nuh uh...I’m not taking any chances - I’m taking matters into my own hands and making DAMN sure I know who’s naughty and nice.

MARION

You’re Santa...no one wants to hurt you. You’re a symbol of goodness and generosity.

SANTA

Exactly...I’m a symbol, a very public and well known symbol. People would love to take me down, or catch me being nice to some seriously naughty fucker....ruin my reputation, incarcerate me for aiding and abetting a known naughty. Goddamn liberal press would eat me alive.

ZACH

Wow...you are seriously paranoid. You sound like a republican.

SANTA

I’ve been GOP since Eisenhower, jerkwad.

MARION

Wait...you really ARE republican?

SANTA

No shit Mrs. Sherlock. You think I wear red because it’s slimming?

ZACH

We didn’t mean any insult...

SANTA

I’m goddamn proud to be republican. Hell, Nixon was the one that got me keeping lists and checking them twice. I used to fly Christmas Eve recon missions over Cambodia for that administration in the early 70’s. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have given him that audio tape shredder though. The damn Bushes are in-laws - or did think that uncanny resemblance between Barbara Bush and Mrs. Claus was a coincidence?

MARION

Times are changing...the world is changing.

SANTA

Don’t remind me. All my wiretap authorizations are being revoked, you can’t get a free pass from the justice department anymore, no matter how much you donate to the GOP. I’ll probably be forced to close my internment camp at the north pole too, and put all the detainees on trial.

ZACH

You have an internment camp?

SANTA

Gitmo North. For the super-naughty.

MARION

Santa, things are changing all over, fast. People are tired of being paranoid, tired of fear mongering, tired of being at odds with the rest of the planet. We need hope, not renegade gunslingers.

ZACH

That’s right. Everyone in the world is struggling with the economy now, and we’re all just trying to find ways to stay afloat. We don’t need a symbol who only gives gifts to the people HE thinks are deserving. We need someone who gives generously and freely to all, regardless of color,creed or politics.

SANTA

Even the gays?

ZACH and MARION look at each other for a moment, thinking.

MARION

That's still your call really. But be the person you started to be. Be that symbol of kindness and unconditional love. Take a few things on faith, and give the world what it needs most....hope.

SANTA pauses and thinks.

SANTA

You stole that speech from Barack Obama didn’t you?

ZACH and MARION shrug as if to say "You caught us"

SANTA (CONT)

It’s a good speech though.

SANTA pauses again and thinks more

SANTA

Petey, untie them.

PETEY

But Santa...

SANTA

Just do it. And then let’s go - we’ve got a lot more gifts to give out than we planned on.

PETEY gestures to the other elves, and they remove the garland that ties ZACH and MARION to their bed

PETEY

(into headset mic)

Tree, this is Trimming. We’re standing down. Roof evac in 3 minutes.

SANTA

(to ZACH and MARION)

You two better be right. I’m going to take a few things on faith, and I’ll probably give presents to some questionably naughty people. If anything goes down it’s on your heads.

ZACH

You won’t regret it Santa. It’s time to reach out and rejoin the world and get past this “us and them” mentality.

MARION

Right, and you’ll see we can all come together to rebuild America, liberal and conservative.

SANTA

Only a liberal would say that.

MARION

Sorry.

SANTA

Look....sorry about the tying-up thing. I’ll make sure there’s a new Prius in your driveway tomorrow morning, okay? Elves, we’re pulling out. Petey, take point.

PETEY and the elves exit through the bedroom door. SANTA gets to the door, stops and turns around.

SANTA

And...umm, Merry Christmas.

ZACH

Merry Christmas to you Santa!

MARION

And goodwill to all!

SANTA

God I hate liberals.

SANTA exits. BLACKOUT

Jared at 3:34AM

INT. JARED'S APARTMENT, BEDROOM - NIGHT

TITLE: MONDAY

JARED sleeps alone. Young and nebbishy, at least what we can see poking from under the covers. An old-school FLIP CLOCK reads 3:33AM. It flips...

...and three car alarms go off simultaneously. Jared pops up, reaches for the alarm clock, realizes the noise is outside. He lies back down and stares at the ceiling.

INT. JARED'S APARTMENT, BEDROOM - NIGHT

TITLE: TUESDAY

Same place, same time. Jared sleeps. The clock reads 3:33AM. It flips...

...and we hear Jared's party girl neighbors walk under his window laughing and screeching drunkenly. He pops up, and immediately lies back down, sighing loudly.

INT. JARED'S APARTMENT, BEDROOM - NIGHT

TITLE: WEDNESDAY

The clock at 3:33AM again. It flips. No sound for a few tantalizing seconds and then...

...the beeping and crashing of a garbage truck under the window. Jared wakes, grabs his pillow and tries to cover his ears.

INT. TRAVEL AGENT'S - DAY

TITLE: SEVEN HOURS LATER

Jared sits across from MABEL, in her 60s with crudely dyed hair. She hands him a small PACKET and he smiles and shakes her hand.

INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

TITLE: THURSDAY, HOTEL DEL SOL, MEXICO

A gentle breeze shifts the sheers on the patio slider, causing the light of the moon to shimmer and dance across the bed. Jared sleeps in the fluffy, oversized bed, so peaceful. The CLOCK at the side of his bed reads 3:33AM. It changes and...

the sounds of a Mexican Hat Dance roll loudly through the open door. Jared opens his eyes wearily.

INT. TRAVEL AGENT'S - DAY

TITLE: 12 HOURS LATER

Jared's animated right now. Mabel points to POSTERS - Hawaii, Jamaica, Miami - Jared shakes his head violently. He points and Mabel looks in shock.

ANGLE ON POSTER

Iceland: Land of the Midnight Sun

INT. HOTEL ROOM - DUSK

TITLE: SATURDAY, 36 HOURS LATER, ICELAND

Muted light filters in through a window. The super-cool, oh-so modern CLOCK next to the bed reads 3:33AM. It flips and...

GOLFER (O.S.)

Fore!

There's a whack of club on ball. Jared opens his mouth to scream and...

CUT TO:

INT. PADDED CELL - NIGHT

Jared's wrapped up tight in a STRAIGHTJACKET, but he has a huge smile on his face as he sleeps peacefully. No sounds are heard but his own gentle snoring. He opens his eyes and stretches as much as a man in a straightjacket can stretch. The door has a small viewport and we

ANGLE OUT VIEWPORT

On the nurses's station. We see an old-school FLIP CLOCK change to 3:34AM.

BLACKOUT:

Peter's Commentary on the 'First Dates' Edition

This past week, the Friday Sketch War topic was "First Dates".

We had three sketches this time around:  mine, Mr. Porter's, and Mr. Robertson's.


All in all, I'm happy with how my sketch came out.

Like the previous week, I was trying to move away from traditional scene-y sketches, and trade off plot for funny. I'd just seen SNL's "Extreme Challenge" digital short, which is a complete "list sketch", and I figured I'd try something like that. Or rather, I came up with a bunch of scene-y things I could do with the topic, hated all of them, and went with the "list of bad dates" idea that could let my imagination run amok.

It felt kind of like a cop-out, since coming up with a list of jokes is easier than constructing a plot, and because I'd done this structure before. (And so have lots of people.) But I just kept scribbling down ideas that made me laugh, and laughter trumps everything.

I was happy with how I structured the piece. I started out sensible and normal. I probably should have pushed 5 and 5b to position 3, but I think the general shape still works. And what I like is that by around 6 or 7, the audience honestly doesn't think it could get further out there. Once you've played the 'death' and 'ninja' cards, you're done, right? So I think what works here is hitting that 'this can't get any crazier' point halfway through the sketch, and shooting straight past it to things the audience wouldn't expect.

Similarly-and-on-a-smaller-scale, I was happy when individual bits went further than the setup would imply they could go. For instance, there are two parts of the 'chicken' bit -- you think it's just an absurd bit, but no, there's an additional joke about Wendy possibly eating Neil.

(Side note: I'm amused with how geeky this came out. It's probably the result of working on this post at the same time.)

Other things in the sketch worked less well. The paddle-ball was a pretty weak runner, appearing only twice and not being particularly funny. I'm not sure #3 (the cop bit) quite reads. I knew I wanted "You didn't make it clear that it *was* a date" as one of the items, but it was damned difficult for me to express that situation in a silent scene.

Also, the sketch's ending is a bit anticlimactic. Writing the end of a comedy sketch is always brutal, because sketches aren't really about stories, they're about jokes. Stories end; a series of jokes just stops. But if you're writing sketch comedy that isn't scene-based, then you're even more screwed, 'cos there's no story at *all* -- you either have to come up with a joke so hilarious that nothing can follow it, pull off a joke that reincorporates lots of earlier material, or tweak the premise in some cutesy way.

I opted for the third route, with middling success.

Anyway, hopefully I'll do something more scene-like next time, although the topic ("3:34am") looks to be a challenging one.


So let's see here -- Mr. Robertson's sketch is called "Honesty", and shows us a met-on-the-Internet first date where the honesty gets crazily out of hand, covering pretty much every lie everybody ever put on a match.com profile.

Mr. Porter's sketch is about "the *first* date", as in the Garden of Eden. This one didn't really do much for me, and I'm not sure how I'd try to fix it.

My only guess is that I'd try to 'turn up the volume' on everything: make Adam even *more* of a wide-eyed rube, make Lilith even *more* of a femme fatale -- but also make the things Lilith ask for even more outré, and make Adam even more offended (or nonplussed) by them. And maybe focus on making Adam trying even harder to please Lilith -- the internal conflict where Adam is diametrically opposed to everything Lilith stands for, but he still desperately wants to make her happy, could be funny if it played out for a bit.

I think the ending works, though. Divine intervention seems like the logical conclusion for this piece. And even if the audience doesn't get that it's Lilith being replaced by Eve, the general idea comes across, I think.


Anyway, next week is the topic "3:34am". We'll see what folks can come up with for that.

Friday Night Sketch War: First Dates Edition

W00t! Welcome to the new home for Sketch War. In our first battle in the new stadium, three warriors gave their all. Ninjas, knives, guns, God's wrath, lightning, and truthiness. Two talky-talky sketches against one without a word.

• R.A. took the topic VERY literally and gave us the FIRST date...
• Peter gave us 13 first dates that do not go well...
• Ken showed how honesty can be the best policy when dating.

Not bad for the first go 'round here in our new digs. I just wish I could figure out where the blood drains in the kill pit are.

Next week's topic is 3:34AM. Peter made three suggestions, two of them were nice and conventional. So of course I picked his third. But like Sky Masterson...

My time of day is the dark time
A couple of deals before dawn
When the street belongs to the cop
And the janitor with the mop
And the grocery clerks are all gone.

If you want to play along, write a sketch and send it, or a link to it, to sketchwarNOSPAM@dreamloom.com. And be sure to come back next Friday for more humor and mayhem.

Ken's Entry: First Date - Honesty

INT RESTAURANT - NIGHT

JACK a man in his early 30’s, sits alone at table wearing a business suit with a cocktail in front of him. He checks his breath, checks his appearance in the back of a spoon of any other convenient shiny object, and all manner of things someone waiting to make a good impression would do.


JILL, also in her early 30’s wearing a nice blouse and skirt, walks in and likewise checks her appearance. She looks around, sees JACK and walks over to him.

JILL

Jack?

JACK

Jill?

JILL

I thought that was...probably you.

JACK

Yeah, I don’t look a thing like my Match.com photo. I Photoshopped the hell out of it.

JILL

No worries! I’m 12 years older and 43 pounds heavier than mine!

Both of them chuckle.

JACK

Have a seat. I’d stand up to get your chair, but the table is hiding the beer gut I said was a six-pack.

JILL sits down.

JACK

So, will you be eating anything other than a salad tonight?

JILL

Not in front of you. I’m binge-ing later at home.

JACK

I was afraid you’d order something expensive, which I’d have to pay for in hopes I’d be repaid with sex. But I’d just end up resenting you after I ejaculate.

JILL

You’re not really a CEO rock guitarist stockbroker who writes poetry while rescuing puppies and infants are you?

JACK

Floor sales at Cell Phone Circus.

JILL

I’m not really an independently wealthy NFL cheerleader-slash-microbrewery heiress with porn star training.

JACK

I’m male - I had to take the risk just in case.

JILL

I don’t really skydive.

JACK

I don’t really like art museums.

JILL

I was never in a sorority.

JACK

I haven’t been in one since the restraining order.

JILL

I only watch Julia Roberts movies.

JACK

I only watch Adam Sandler movies.

JILL

I don’t have an apartment downtown.

JACK

I don’t have a penthouse.

JILL

I still live with my parents.

JACK

I have to break back into the ward before the 9:30 bed-check.

JILL

I’m not really a NASCAR fan.

JACK

I am.

JILL

I only wear granny-panties.

JACK

I only wear Depends.

JILL

My boobs aren’t real.

JACK

Neither is my hair.

JILL

(grabbing her breasts)

This is just padding. My real boobs are really tiny.

JACK says nothing , but glances at his crotch subtly.

JILL

But my butt is totally real.

JACK

So is my halitosis.

JILL

I’m here seeking self-esteem through the approval of others.

JACK

I’m hoping to get laid this year. I’ve only had one sexual partner.

JILL

I’ve only had one partner...while sober.

JACK motions to an invisible waiter

JACK

(to waiter)

Three Jack and cokes for the lady.

JILL

I get clingy and desperate in relationships.

JACK

We so much in common.

JILL

This is going so much better than most of my dates.

JACK

This honesty is turning me on.

JILL

It’s making me hot too.

JACK

Does that mean I’m going to get lucky?

JILL

Buy me the lobster and we’ll talk.

BLACK OUT

Sketch War, "First Dates" Edition, Peter's Entry

Friday Sketch War
First-Dates Edition
“Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong”

FADE IN:

TITLE GRAPHIC reads "Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong".

CHEERY BOSSA NOVA MUSIC plays throughout. This is the only audio.

FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads "Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #1".

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

NEIL and WENDY, dressed nicely, sit opposite each other at a table in an elegant restaurant.

They both look bored.

A SUBTITLE appears: "#1: Complete lack of chemistry."

Neil pulls out a paddle-ball and starts playing with it just before we CUT TO:

FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads "Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #2".

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Wendy sits at the table as before.

Neil? Nowhere to be seen.

A SUBTITLE appears: "#2: Mis-reading 8:30pm as 6:30pm."

FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads "Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #3".

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Wendy sits alone at the table. A cell phone sits on the table beside her. A SIREN flashes somewhere offscreen.

Neil enters DRESSED AS A COP.

He sizes up the location, a bit perplexed. He says something into his radio.

A SUBTITLE appears: "#3: You didn't make it clear that it *was* a date."

Neil sees Wendy.

Wendy waves at Neil coyly.

Neil looks confused.

FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads "Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #4".

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Neil and Wendy sit at the table.

Neil wears the traditional garb of Hasidic Judaism.

Wendy wears a Nazi uniform.

They both look awkward and uncomfortable.

A SUBTITLE appears: "#4: Insurmountable cultural differences."

FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads "Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #5".

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Neil sits at the table, bored to the point of nodding off.

Wendy talks at him excitedly.

A SUBTITLE appears: "#5: You can't stop talking about the Second Punic War."

Wendy pulls out a large map as a visual aid.

FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads "Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #5b".

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Exact same scene as before.

A SUBTITLE appears: "#5b: He refuses to listen to your brilliant commentary about the Second Punic War."

FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads "Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #6".

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Wendy and Neil sit at the table. They both have plates of food. Neil's head is face-down on the table. He ain't moving.

A SUBTITLE appears: "#6: Death."

Wendy slowly, furtively steals a bit of food from Neil's plate.

FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads "Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #7".

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Neil and Wendy have a perfectly nice time. Nothing going wrong at all.

A SUBTITLE appears: "#7: Attacked by ninjas."

NINJAS emerge from the shadows and carry them both off.

FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads "Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #8".

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Neil and Wendy have another perfectly nice time.

A WAITER comes by and greets Neil.

Suddenly, Wendy pulls out a GUN, points it at Neil, and starts yelling at him.

Some COPS enter behind Wendy and do the same.

A SUBTITLE appears: "#8: It's actually an elaborate sting operation."

Neil jumps up, sweeps away half the stuff off the table, and grabs his fork and knife.

Neil gets behind the waiter and holds the knife to the waiter's neck. He brandishes the fork at Wendy & Co.

FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads "Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #9".

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Neil and Wendy enjoy a quiet moment.

A salt shaker sits on the table.

Wendy gestures at the salt shaker.

It levitates about a foot off the table.

Neil looks at Wendy with alarm.

Wendy gestures the salt shaker back down.

A SUBTITLE appears: "#9: You accidentally reveal your scary telekinetic powers."

An awkward moment.

Wendy pulls out a paddle-ball and tries to distract Neil by playing with it.

FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads "Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #10".

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Neil and Wendy are having a pleasant time again.

There is a flash of light, and a puff of smoke emanates from offscreen.

OLDER WENDY enters and all but drags a reluctant Wendy away.

A SUBTITLE appears: "#10: Later in life, you invent time travel."

FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads "Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #11".

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Neil and Wendy chat.

Neil disappears in a puff of smoke.

In his place is a live chicken.

A SUBTITLE appears: "#11: One of you turns into a chicken."

Wendy, all-but-entranced and nearly-drooling, picks up her knife and fork.

ADDITIONAL SUBTITLE: "... a juicy, delicious chicken."

FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads "Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #12".

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Neil and Wendy chat pleasantly.

A SUBTITLE appears: "#12: Sudden, explosive bleeding from the eyes."

They continue to chat pleasantly.

ADDITIONAL SUBTITLE: "(not shown)"

FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads "Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #13".

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Neil and Wendy have a wonderful time.

A SUBTITLE appears: "#13: The date is fictional."

The DIRECTOR wanders into the shot and talks to Neil and Wendy.

ZOOM OUT to include the rest of the set.

A CAMERAMAN wanders in front of the camera, reaches around to turn it off, and we --

BLACK OUT.

The First Date

EXT. GARDEN - DAY

Lush, jungle-like. Three tree stumps conveniently positioned as table and chairs. ADAM, grinning like a rube, and LILITH sit naked across from each other, hair and branches strategically concealing naughty bits. The brunette smolders and looks slinky even while seated.

ADAM

...and I call those goats.

LILITH

They stink.

ADAM

Yeah, I hadn't noticed. The bigger ones, with the long hair, I call those yaks. Except those other ones over there? Those are gnus.

Lilith glances where Adam points, then looks around anxiously.

LILITH

Where the hell's the waiter?

ADAM

Waiter?

LILITH

Or waitress, whatever. To take our order? I'd kill for a drink.

ADAM

Oh, let me get you some pomegranate juice. I named that, too. And the strawberry, and the boysenberry...

Adam's voice trails off as he exits, still strategically obscured. Lilith sighs. As Adam comes back in view we hear him continue...

ADAM (CONT'D)

...and the huckleberry, and the chokeberry, and the--

LILITH

--You named all the berries, too. That's great. So Adam, what else do you do? Besides naming.

Adam hands Lilith a hollowed gourd and she drains it. She curls her lip and stares at the cup.

ADAM

I tend the fields and I tend the flocks and I--

LILITH

--Yeah. Hey sweetie? You got anything back there with a bit more kick?

ADAM

Kick?

LILITH

You know, something fermented?

ADAM

Nope. Just juice. You want some lingonberry juice?

LILITH

(sighing)

No, I'm fine. Maybe something to eat?

ADAM

We've got barley porridge. I can top it with blueberries if you like. Or blackberries--

A lamb, barely old enough to walk, stumbles up to the table.

LILITH

--What's that?

ADAM

That's a lamb. It's a baby sheep. I also named sheep.

LILITH

That sounds good.

ADAM

The name pleases you?

LILITH

No, a lamb chop sounds good. Rare.

ADAM

You want me to make a sacrifice for God?

LILITH

No, I want you to make mint jelly for me.

ADAM

I don't know how I feel--

LILITH

--Look, Adam. You're a nice guy. Really. But you're obviously busy with the...naming and the tending. I'm just not sure I feel a real connection.

ADAM

What about my rib?

LILITH

What about it?

ADAM

"And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man." That's me. I'm the man. You're bone of my bones and everything.

LILITH

(sotto voce)

That's the only bone around here from what I can see.

ADAM

What?

LILITH

Look, I appreciate all that, but it's not enough. There's just no spark. I'd love it if we could be friends, though.

Adam looks heavenward and shrugs. Lightning flashes, thunder claps, and when he looks back down he's sitting across from EVE: blond, fair, and grinning like her mate.

EVE

(vapidly)

What do you call that animal, Adam?

BLACKOUT:

Peter's Commentary on the 'Learning Something New About History' Edition

Last week's FSW topic was "Learning something new about history".


Last week, Mr. Porter let me pick the week's sketch topic. I actually deliberated for quite a while. I didn't want something so vague/broad that it suggested nothing to the writers, but nor did I want something so specific that it straitjacketed people. I finally settled on "learning something new about history".

I think it first occurred to me partly because sadogre had mentioned an interest in sketchwar, and I figured this would be right up his alley. The more I thought about it, the promising it sounded. People could do any number of "learn the real story of <x>" sketches. They could do sketches about learning something new about one's family history or personal history. Or it could be about actually learning history, like a college course or something.

So I sent off that topic and happily started compiling sketch ideas along those lines. Then at some point I flashed back to this narwhal-themed thread, and wrote the words "F***ING HANNIBAL F*** YEAH", only without the bowdlerizing asterisks. I thought of other, more original ideas, but I kept coming back to that one. So that's the one I wrote.

I'm happy with how it came out.

First off, I'm happy that I didn't write a scene. I'd just watched another SNL digital short, and suddenly I wanted to write something like *that* -- to just jettison all the principles of drama and scenecraft and focus on stringing together three minutes of funny. If you keep 'em laughing for three minutes, who cares if you don't have a story?[1]

Fortunately, I fell into the "F*** YEAH!" voice pretty naturally, and I had a pretty obvious structure to follow: relate the Battle of the Tremia, and then tack on some concluding words. Easy-peasy. I had already brainstormed a bunch of comic bits to include, so I churned out the sketch in about an hour. It made me laugh[2], and I was happy.


This week had two other entries: Mr. Robertson wrote about how the Three Wise Men picked their gifts, and Mr. Porter wrote about a conspiracy theorist.

Mr. Porter didn't like the topic much, which I felt bad about. I had hoped I'd picked something that would help inspire the other writers. Then again, Mr. Porter himself had picked "Oprah" as the previous week's topic, so none of us are immune from bad-topic-picking.


After last week's post, Mr. Porter requested sharp and pointy notes on his sketches, so I'll do my best to provide that this week.

Here's what I got this time around: first, get out of my head. Yes, I have had pretty much that exact conversation. *shudder*

Now, writing-wise, there are two ways to go with this sketch. First, you can give the conversation heavier emotional stakes. You did a great thing towards the end with the line, "Michael. Seriously. You need help." If you can get that vibe *throughout* the sketch -- that Peter really cares about Michael, and he's scared by the shocking amounts of crazy -- that'll help draw the audience in. Defining the relationship between the two guys might help with that.

Also along 'make it more emotional' lines, I can suggest a possibly-useful question. Nearly everybody would find Michael's nonsense annoying, right? The question to ask is: why is it *especially* annoying to Peter? Why is Peter the *worst possible person* for this to happen to? If you get Peter desperately wanting to help Michael, but also infuriated beyond all reason, then you've got an audience paying attention.[3] Peter's flustered quality is a real strength here, and you can emphasize that.

Okay, so the 'emotional' thing is angle #1. Angle #2 is the 'wacky' thing. To put it bluntly, I don't think Michael gets crazy enough. You may be sputtering in disbelief right now, but really: real conspiracy theorists are even crazier than Michael. I'd lengthen the 'slightly crazy' talk at the beginning, pare down a bunch of 'moderately crazy' stuff in the middle, and add some 'extreme batshit crazy' lines towards the end. Seriously, you have not gone 'too crazy' until you hit "they've implanted a chip in my scalp and if you just hand me that penknife I can show you" crazy.

Finally, last complaint: I could do lots of little edits here and there, removing words and phrases. For instance, I'd cut "writing on my blog and mailing out the newsletter" to just one of the two. But these are just small edits I'm takling about, and I think when I edit I like to err on the side of making lines too short.

Okay, enough complaining. There are many things to like here.

First and foremost, yes of course that's the right button to end on. Absolutely perfect. And I loved all the different reactions Peter went through -- I hate scenes where everyone has the exact same attitude through the whole thing, but we see Peter being confused, curious, annoyed, humoring, and ultimately sympathetic. Well-played, that. And the historical facts that Michael keeps screwing up are priceless, and you ramp up the crazy nicely as the sketch goes on.

I laughed in spite of the "OH GOD IT'S MY LIFE OW OW OW".

[1] The irony here is that last year, when I took a class in sketch-writing, I really chaffed at being required to write sketches that weren't structured like proper dramatic scenes. Now I'm embracing it. *shrug* I contain multitudes, etc.


[2] Favorite moment: the sudden and unexpected appearance of Babar.


[3] One (lousy) possibility: Peter is a history buff, and he's reading a biography of Truman that prompts the whole conversation.

Friday Night Sketch War: Learning Something New About History Edition

Another tough topic, though not nearly as painful, or likely to make a grown man cry and jump on a couch, as Oprah. Again, we had three warriors enter the fray. They acquitted themselves well.

• Coyote pulled back the curtain on the massive conspiracy that controls the world...
• Ken told a heartwarming tale of gold, frankincense, myrrh, and dealing vaporizers...
• Peter gave a history lesson on Hannibal, Fuck Yeah!

Three solid sketches on a beyatch of a topic. Next week's topic: first dates.

If you want to play along, write a sketch and send a link to it to sketchwar at dreamloom.com. And be sure to come back next Friday when we're hoping to have a few new competitors.

Peter's Commentary on the 'Oprah' Edition

Okay, so last week's FSW topic was "Oprah".

So I wound up writing this sketch. I had spent days trying to think of something -- *anything* -- that I could do with the topic. I think the best I managed was a couple's young daughter idolizes Oprah and causes embarrassing situations by trying to treat her parents as talk-show guests.

Then I visited my family for Thanksgiving and talked about the topic with my sister, who watches the show from time to time. I somehow stumbled into, "What if some guy had a big collection of Oprah porn?"

Katherine immediately said, "You probably should run with that." Then we stood around the dining room trying to think of the most disturbing things one could do with that topic.

I'm actually quite happy with the end result. I haven't tried to write a scene that's "OH GOD NO"-creepy before, so that was interesting. Apparently the scene thoroughly disgusted this round's other two entrants, which I guess means that I accomplished what I set out to accomplish. And I think I struck a nice compromise between sketch structure (funny, Funny, FUNNY!, end) and scenework (hero pursues an objective and faces complications).

It bugs me, though, that I didn't get the structure quite right. The opening scene in the living room works okay -- Matthew's series of reactions amuses me -- but it feels kind of tacked on. And I could have improved the reversal at the end, where I reveal that Chase's Oprah fetish is actually a cover for his roommate fetish. I keep trying to use a sudden twist as a sketch's button, but the twists are never clear enough, or they don't make sense at all.


For this round, Coyote wrote this sketch, and Ken Robertson wrote this one. I laughed out loud at "You watch a lot of shows on that LG HDTV refrigerator at your place?" / "Sometimes!". I also laughed out loud when, at the exact moment when I thought Ken's sketch couldn't get any crazier, the Mayan death god Cizin appeared. Well-played, sirs.

(If anybody wants me to get all detailed and critiquey with their sketchwar entries, lemme know. I may not know what I'm doing w/r/t sketch, but I can easily blather on about sketches in an opinionated fashion.)

On to next week! Once Mr. Porter posts the recap for this week, I'll post about the "learning something new about history" round.

FSW: Learning Something New About History Edition (Peter's Entry)

Friday Sketch War
Learning Something New About History Edition
"Learning Something New About History"

FADE IN:

TITLE GRAPHIC reads "Learning Something New About History".

BAROQUE MUSIC plays.

A CLASSY NARRATOR with an aged, respectable British voice starts the show.

CLASSY NARRATOR (V.O.)

This week on "Learning Something New About History" --

TITLE GRAPHIC reads "Hannibal and the Battle of the Tremia".

CLASSY NARRATOR (V.O.)

-- Hannibal and the Battle of the Tremia. And now as always, Mr. Joey Weitzman.

MUSIC FADES OUT.

JOEY talks with fierce enthusiasm about his subject. His near-constant profanities are all clumsily bleeped out. He speaks over stock photos.

First: a bust of Hannibal.

JOEY (V.O.)

Hannibal. I mean, shit. Just look at him. Hell yeah.

Screencap of Chuck Norris.

JOEY (V.O.)

Fuck. Guys are like, "Chuck Norris is a badass mrmee mrmee woo" --

Screencap of professional wrestling.

JOEY (V.O.)

-- or "check out real ultimate fighting lalee bunny froo froo" --

Busts of Scipio and Sempronius.

JOEY (V.O.)

-- and I'm like, "You little pussies are like Scipio and Sempronius."

Battle diagram of the Trebia, showing the location of Roman forces, marked "Bitches".

JOEY (V.O.)

The two Roman guys were, like, flouncing a tea party by the Trebia --

Bust of Scipio.

JOEY (V.O.)

-- and Scipio was all --

(fey falsetto)

"Oh, there's no way that ass-slaughtering general can find us here!"

Bust of Sempronius.

JOEY (V.O.)

-- and then Sempronius was like --

Battle diagram, now with an arrow added -- Roman forces approaching the river. The arrow is labelled "weak-ass shit attack", with black bars over the profanities.

JOEY (V.O.)

(equally-fey falsetto)

"I'll just put down my doily and launch a little attack."

The battle diagram now shows another group of forces, labelled "FUCKIN' HANNIBAL FUCK YEAH", again with black bars.

JOEY (V.O.)

And then Hannibal was like -- "RAAAWR! Ambush, motherfuckers!"

Several arrows from Hannibal's forces to the Roman forces appear. Joey punctuates each appearance with:

JOEY (V.O.)

Unh! Unh! Unh! And like, killed them with pointy sticks --

A label appears by the Roman forces: "Blood and guts and killing and shit." Again, a black bar.

JOEY (V.O.)

-- and then killed them harder with motherfucking elephants!

JOEY (V.O.)

I mean, fuck, man!

Shots of various ordnance.

JOEY (V.O.)

Yeah, you got your AK, your fuckin' F-16s, your tanks and shit, fuck that.

Shot of Babar.

JOEY (V.O.)

Somebody throws a motherfuckin' elephant at your ass, you know you are fucked.

Shot of an elephant.

JOEY (V.O.)

They're all BOOM BOOM BOOM stomping and trumpeting --

Shot of the olliphaunts from Lord of the Rings.

JOEY (V.O.)

-- and all Lord of the Rings and shit. 'cos that's how Hannibal rolls.

Map of the Roman empire. An arrow goes from the battle of the Trebia to Lake Trasimene.

JOEY (V.O.)

And the last guys left ran like fuckin' babies to Lake Trasimene, and Hannibal killed the shit out of them there.

Shot of Rome.

JOEY (V.O.)

And Hannibal could have taken over fucking Rome. But he didn't even bother. 'cos he's fucking awesome.

Screencap of Colonel Hannibal Smith from The A-Team.

JOEY (V.O.)

Okay, the big question: is Hannibal cooler than Hannibal from The A-Team?

Two shots, side-by-side: the A-Team screencap, the Hannibal bust.

JOEY (V.O.)

What the shit, people? Compared to the hero of the motherfucking Carthaginians, A-Team Hannibal was just a pussy with a van. Fuck you, A-Team Hannibal!

Screencap of Faceman.

JOEY (V.O.)

And fuck you, Faceman!

Screencap of B. A.

JOEY (V.O.)

Fu -- okay, you're cool.

Screencap of Murdock.

JOEY (V.O.)

But fuck you -- other guy.

Screencap of 300:

JOEY (V.O.)

The other question: what if it was Hannibal versus the badasses from 300?

Two shots, side-by-side: the 300 screencap, the Hannibal bust.

JOEY (V.O.)

But that's a trick question, 'cos Hannibal would be, like, "You rule!" and shit, and the Spartans would be all, "You! Are! Awesome!"

A crude Photoshop inserts the bust of Hannibal into the shot.

JOEY (V.O.)

And then they'd join forces, and that shit would rule.

Back to the opening title card: "Learning Something New About History".

The same BAROQUE MUSIC plays.

CLASSY NARRATOR (V.O.)

This has been "Learning Something New About History" -- stay tuned for next week, when we present: "Jean-Paul Sartre and the Existentialists".

FADE OUT.

FSW: We Three Kings...

The gods of writing have pretty much conspried against me getting anything out before Friday these days. I'm just thankful for that west-coast midnight deadline :)

Our newest sketch warrior suggested the theme last week: Learning Something New About History.

I figured I'd jump the gun and get into the Christmas spirit as well.

Richard took us to school about Harry Truman - no word from Peter yet. I'll update when others report in for battle.

But for now, these three kings of orient are possibly trying to smoke a rubber cigar:

___________________________________________________________________

EXT. DESERT MUD HUT - NIGHT
BALTHASAR, MELCHIOR and CASPAR all stare up into the night sky

BALTHASAR
Oh yeah - that’s definitely an “a-Messiah-is-born” star. No doubt about it.

MELCHIOR
It’s so bright.

CASPAR
Wow....just.....wow.

MELCHIOR
We should probably go inside...we’re probably damaging our eyes staring at it.

CASPAR
We should, like, follow that star man.

BALTHASAR
Caspar you are such a goddamn hippie.

CASPAR
Oh come on man...if there’s a baby messiah under that thing, like the prophecies say, we should go and meet it, introduce ourselves.

BALTHASAR
Hmmmmm...3 wise men, meeting a baby with a big future...not bad. Nice...heart-warming.

MELCHIOR
We should wait and leave in the morning. Riding a camel in the dark is definitely not wise.

BALTHASAR
Think we can get some press to meet us there? Judean Sun Times, maybe The Daily Roman?

CASPAR
Balthasar, not everything is about publicity man! Some things are about love...sharing, connecting with people, bringing the world together.

MELCHIOR
As long as I don’t have to hug the baby...they’re very germy.

CASPAR
We just go, meet the new messiah, maybe give them some new baby gifts...

MELCHIOR
Ooo! I’ve got the perfect thing...a vaporizer. It’s so dry in the desert. And dusty! Oy!

CASPAR
I saw this really cool gourd rattle that would be good, and I can put together some medicinal herbs for the baby, you know, for like when he gets colicy, or starts teething...write out some instructions for the new mommy. I think that could be helpful.

BALTHASAR
Oh....I know. I’m bringing gold. A big bag of gold.

MELCHIOR and CASPAR pause, and stare at BALTHASAR

MELCHIOR
You bastard.

CASPAR
Oh man...you just don’t get it.

BALTHASAR
What? They can just buy whatever they need. Or hold on to it, put it in the messiah‘s college fund.

MELCHIOR
Well, I can’t bring a vaporizer if you’re bringing gold. I’d look like a schmuck.

CASPAR
Balthy, Melchior and I are happy your self-help scroll became a such a big seller. But would you please stop flaunting it.

BALTHASAR
Did you hear it’s getting released in Egyptian?

CASPAR
Do you hear yourself, man? You want to give a bag of gold to a baby, to the king of kings....the son of God. What is he going to do with gold?

MELCHIOR
A baby could choke on those coins...and they’re definitely not sanitary. Who knows where they’ve been. Dirty Romans!

BALTHASAR
Look, if he’s the song of God, why bring him anything anyway, right? Not like he needs something his Dad can’t give him.

CASPAR
That’s not the point man....we give him stuff that says “hey, welcome to the mortal plane...thanks for coming, we want to make you more at home so you stay a while”

MELCHIOR
Vaporizers make desert air much more breathable.

CASPAR
Maybe some personal stuff....stuff From the heart.

BALTHASAR
My money is personal. I made it, and I’m very attached to it. Tis is my way of saying “I’ve been fortunate, and I’m happy to give a little back”

MELCHIOR
You’re saying “I’m a rich bastard who sucks up to deities” is what you’re saying.

BALTHASAR
God gave me the wisdom to write a best-selling self-help scroll. Sue me if I want to give something to his offspring as a thank you for what he gave me.

MELCHIOR
God would throw up if he thought he contributed to “He’s Just Not That Into Jews”. You want to give something? Give him your promise to never write again. There’s a gift he can use!

BALTHASAR
You two have been riding my robe-tails for years. Go ahead admit it - you are so jealous that I’m getting rich and famous, and you can’t even get a Roman research grant.

MELCHIOR
That is not fair! You know those grants are biased against non-latin speakers.

CASPAR
Oh man...you two are bumming me out so bad right now.

MELCHIOR
Happy now? You know how sensitive he is. I’m sorry Caspar. I shouldn’t let him get to me.

CASPAR
It’s alright Melchie. Balthy, maybe you should reconsider...give them something a little less pretentious, more appropriate for a baby. How about a puppy?

MELCHIOR
Or maybe, I don’t know, something you could strap to the side of a donkey that doesn’t say “I have a big exposed bag of gold - please conk me on the head with a rock and steal it.”

BALTHASAR
Look, I’ll give what I want to give, and you give whatever you want to...and can afford to give.

CASPAR and MELCHIOR look at each other, resigned.

CASPAR
Hey Melchie, what do you think of frankincense? You know, as a present for the baby messiah?

MELCHIOR
Oh good choice Caspar. Very nice.

BALTHASAR
What’s that?

CASPAR
Oh man...it’s like this really special type of incense. All natural, homeopathic, and a very unique scent. I know, like, rich people really dig it these days, for their huts and throne rooms and stuff, but my friend Raul makes most of it, so I could probably get a bunch for cheap.

MELCHIOR
You know, I bet I could get a nice bottle of myrrh from Hiram down at the apothecary. He owes me for tutoring his daughter in Sanskrit.

CASPAR
Oh that’s a great idea man!

BALTHASAR
Myrrh? I’ve never heard of myrrh.

CASPAR
It’s a healing balm.

MELCHIOR
Like Neosporin, but for rich-people. It’s got a real nice smell, and everyone thinks it’s exotic because of the name. They did some very nice branding on Myrrh.

BALTHASAR
I’ve never heard of frankincense or myrrh. I bet most people haven’t.

CASPAR
Probably not.

MELCHIOR
Which will make them seem more special, and personal. Not cold, common and ordinary like gold....I mean, anybody can get gold, right?

BALTHASAR
Yeah, but everybody KNOWS what gold is. Years from now people will still remember that one wise man gave the messiah baby gold.

CASPAR
Yeah, but they’ll talk about the frankincense and the myrrh, since those are like, rare and mysterious...they’ll, like, have to go look those up.

MELCHIOR
And at dinner parties they’ll be like “well, one of them gave gold, but what’s frankincense?”

CASPAR
“What’s Myrrh?”

MELCHIOR
Those will be what everybody talks about.

CASPAR
Forever.

MELCHIOR
People just can’t resist a little mystery, or talking about exotic things, can they?

CASPAR
Nope. Just in their nature.

BALTHASAR looks in angry disbelief at CASPAR and MELCHIOR. The storms off stage.

CASPAR
Hey Balthy, where you going man?

BALTHASAR (O.S.)
To find a fucking puppy!

CASPAR
(to MELCHIOR)
You’re still going with the vaporizer, right?

MELCHIOR
Never considered myrrh for a second. You?

CASPAR
They’d arrest me on sight for giving frankincense to a baby. But I got a little back in the hut....want to smoke some and stare at the messiah star?

MELCHIOR
Why not. My eyes could stand a little more damage.

MELCHIOR and CASPAR exit

FADE TO BLACK.

FSW: The Truth About Harry

Quick point of order: Peter is a bastard for coming up with this week's theme, Learning something new about history. May a thousand beetles crawl into his closet and take up residence in his favorite sneaker. The left one, not the right one.

Come back on Saturday for the recap, where I give you links to the (hopefully) better sketches on the theme.

The Truth About Harry

INT. BAR - NIGHT

A dark, quiet hideaway where men go to get drunk. MICHAEL early 40s and reedy, with the wild eyes of a hunted man, and Peter, late 20s and not crazy, sit nursing scotches. A BARTENDER wipes glasses at the other end of the bar.

MICHAEL

Truman was a Freemason.

PETER

What?

MICHAEL

Haberdasher is a code word for Freemason.

PETER

No, haberdasher is a code word for "guy who sells belts and socks."

MICHAEL

C'mon! All the evidence is right in front of you and you just won't see it.

PETER

Enlighten me, oh wise one.

MICHAEL

Yeah, the Illuminati got their start in the Enlightenment, but we don't have to go that far back. (Beat) So what do you think Truman was doing at Yalta while Roosevelt was negotiating with Stalin?

PETER

What do I think Truman was doing at Yalta?

MICHAEL

Yeah.

PETER

I think Truman was asking himself how the hell he ended up in Yalta when he never went to Yalta.

MICHAEL

What do you mean?

PETER

I mean, Roosevelt went to Yalta, not Truman.

MICHAEL

Are you sure? I read somewhere that Truman and Churchill ganged up on Stalin at the conference.

PETER

A, that was Potsdam, after the war. And B, if you thought that, why would you imply he was off doing God-knows-what instead of negotiating the peace?

MICHAEL

Exactly. See, if Truman was at Potsdam, it's not too far to conclude that he was working in the shadows at Yalta, right? Behind the scenes, pulling the strings.

PETER

(To the bartender)

Excuse me, can I get whatever he's drinking?

MICHAEL

I'm serious.

PETER

You think the Vice President of the United States spent a month out of the country, in the middle of a war, and no one knew it?

MICHAEL

See how impossible that sounds? Only the Freemasons could have pulled something like that off.

Peter stares for a second. He opens his mouth to talk...then shakes his head.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)

But he wasn't there for a month, just a few days. The Freemasons smuggled Truman over in their secret submarine--

PETER

--What?

MICHAEL

Their submarine. The Nautilus.

PETER

Like from the book?

MICHAEL

Which book is that?

PETER

Um...20,000 Leagues Under the Ocean? Sea. 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. The Verne.

MICHAEL

I knew you weren't completely ignorant. Right. Jules Verne. He was too proud to let his work go unnoticed.

PETER

You're saying Jules Verne built the Nautilus. A real submarine. And then he wrote about it.

MICHAEL

Yeah, and it got him kicked out.

PETER

(Playing along, now)

I didn't know. So, the Masons kicked him out.

MICHAEL

The Illuminati. It was their sub. They just leased it to the Freemasons. Anyway, they got Truman to Yalta two days ahead of Roosevelt and he and Churchill divvied up Germany. Roosevelt thought he was so tough with his big stick...

Peter winces at this latest bit of stupidity from Michael...

MICHAEL (CONT'D)

...but it was Truman who really talked softly.

PETER

You know that was Teddy not...oh, nevermind.

MICHAEL

Then Howard Hughes flew him back home in the Spruce Goose right before Roosevelt showed up. The rest of the conference was just for show. Same with Potsdam. And once Truman gave Einstein the plans for the A-bomb--

PETER

--What?!?

MICHAEL

Scary, isn't it? The New World Order is coming, man, and you can't stop it.

The bartender comes toward our boys.

BARTENDER

Closing time, gents.

PETER

Okay, I've had my fill for the night, anyway. Michael. Seriously. You need help.

MICHAEL

I know. That's why I keep writing on my blog and mailing out the newsletter. I can't stop them alone.

PETER

(Sad for his friend)

Yeah. That's what I meant. Um, I've gotta go. I'll see you around, okay?

MICHAEL

Sure man. Next time drinks are on me.

Peter exits quickly. Michael downs the rest of his drink and gets up to go.

BARTENDER

Mr. Howard, I'm afraid we can't let you leave.

A hidden door behind the bar slides open and reveals a huge Masonic crest. Two men in monk's habits step out behind two serious looking pistols.

BARTENDER (CONT'D)

You know too much.

BLACKOUT: