Sketch War, "3:34am" Edition, Peter's Entry

Friday Sketch War
3:34AM Edition
“Building Maintenance”

BLACKNESS

A light SWITCHES ON to REVEAL --

INT. CONFERENCE AREA - NIGHT

SANJAY walks into an ad-hoc meeting-space in a vast, dark office floor. It has a couple of couches and a coffee table.

A projection screen (now blank) occupies a nearby wall.

A large mechanical device sits in the middle of the area.

A wall clock tells us it’s 3:34. The darkened windows along the wall tell us it’s 3:34am.

Sanjay wears a nice suit. He chugs down a big mug of coffee as he walks in.

He puts down the mug. Takes a breath.

A NOISE from the darkness.

Sanjay peers around. Nothing.

SANJAY

Screen on.

The projection screen blips on. It shows MR. ABBAS, sitting somewhere expensive and sunny and staring at the screen.

MR. ABBAS

Four minutes late.

SANJAY

Oh. I can explain.

MR. ABBAS

I’m kidding! It’s a joke!

SANJAY

Ha.

MR. ABBAS

You can be late -- it is, what, three in the morning where you are?

OMINOUS SOUNDTRACK MUSIC fades in on the office PA system.

SANJAY

We pride ourselves on professionalism, sir. We’re more than happy to accommodate your schedule, because...

He trails off. Where the hell did that music come from?

MR. ABBAS

Is that music?

SANJAY

Yes. Is that a problem?

MR. ABBAS

No, just show this machine to me.

SANJAY

Of course, sir.

In the background, a JANITOR enters and lays a long piece of brightly-colored TAPE on the floor. Sanjay hasn’t noticed him yet --

SANJAY

This is just a model of the EP-71, but -- bwah!

That’s Sanjay noticing the janitor.

MR. ABBAS

What?

SANJAY

Just one moment, sir. Screen off.

Screen blips off.

The janitor finishes laying down the length of tape. Sanjay just stares at him. By way of explanation --

JANITOR

Tuesday night. So I tape.

-- and off he goes.

SANJAY

Screen on. Sorry, I --

MR. ABBAS

I have no time. Show me this machine! Now!

SANJAY

This is just a model, but it demonstrates --

Janitor re-enters, dumping a pile of small beanbags behind the tape line. Off Sanjay’s look --

JANITOR

Tuesday!

He re-exits.

SANJAY

-- demonstrates the drilling capabilities of the real device.

The janitor re-enters, moves the couches to the wall while Sanjay soldiers on.

SANJAY

The innovative design saves over 30% in spillage and --

The janitor starts dragging the machine away.

SANJAY

Screen off!

Screen blips off.

SANJAY

What the hell! What are you doing?

JANITOR

Tuesday!

SANJAY

Please just leave this machine here. Please.

Janitor shrugs, exits.

SANJAY

Screen on.

Screen blips on.

SANJAY

Sorry about that. Now --

ANNE (O.S.)

Lightning bolt!

A beanbag hits Sanjay in the head.

SANJAY

What?

And suddenly a bunch of EXECS, including ANNE and the CEO, rush in.

They’re dressed in Ren Faire/fantasy costumes, brandishing Nerf swords, and throwing beanbags at one another while shouting D&D spell names: “Magic missile!”, “Heal!”, et cetera. (Anne only ever says “Lightning bolt!”)

The CEO wears a hood that conceals his face.

They nearly knock Sanjay down in the bustle.

The CEO triumphantly jumps behind the tape.

CEO

Aha! The forces of Melchior have activated the magic wall!

Anne throws a beanbag at him.

ANNE

Lightning bolt!

CEO

‘Magic wall’.

ANNE

Sorry.

The CEO sees the beanbag pile.

CEO

And now we have a stash of new spells!

A few execs cheer.

SANJAY

What are you people doing?

The CEO pulls back the hood.

CEO

Live-action D&D, Sanjay.

SANJAY

Oh. Boss. Hi.

MR. ABBAS

This is not good! And unprofessional!

CEO

You’re meeting with Abbas now? During the game?

SANJAY

Game?

CEO

Fix this.

The CEO leads the EXECS away.

CEO (O.S.)

This castle is protected by an evil wizard! We must escape!

Sanjay faces the screen. Mr. Abbas is not happy.

SANJAY

I -- this isn’t -- let’s get back to the machine --

MR. ABBAS

I’m kidding! It is fine. I play like that all the time. I am a fifth-level bard.

SANJAY

I -- what?

MR. ABBAS

But -- no time. Do this again same time tomorrow?

SANJAY

Okay. Sure.

MR. ABBAS

Screen off.

The screen blips off.

Sanjay collapses on a couch.

ANNE (O.S.)

Lightning bolt!

A beanbag flies in from offscreen and hits Sanjay in the head.

He lies down and goes to sleep.

BLACKOUT.