FSW: Advertising Edition (Peter's entry)

Friday Sketch War
Advertising Edition
“The ServTech Focus Group”

FADE IN:

INT. MEETING ROOM - DAY

DAVE (30s, sharply dressed) and SAM (20s, nerdy) sit at a big table.

Behind them sits an easel with a poster covered by a sheet. Dave has a clipboard on the table in front of him.

Around the rest of the table sit ENGINEERS with name tags, including PHIL, RONALD, and HARPER.

A video camera next to the exit door records the proceedings.

Dave addresses the engineers --

DAVE

-- so I'll show you a new slogan for Sam's company, and we'll talk about how you customers feel about it.

The engineers murmur agreement.

DAVE

Great! So: drumroll...

He removes the sheet, revealing a slick "ServTech" poster that reads --

DAVE

"Solid. Secure. Servers."

Dave picks up his clipboard.

DAVE

Now, my first question is --

PHIL

Wait, Dave.

DAVE

Yes, Phil.

PHIL

So this is saying that we don't know how to properly operate a server?

DAVE

I'm not sure I --

PHIL

I see this, I think, "Oh, sysadmins are too boneheaded to fix a system on their own."

HARPER

As if they're giving us the easy, safe, kindergarten scissors.

SAM

People, ServTech doesn't think --

DAVE

Sam? Great. Keep those opinions coming. Obviously, nobody thinks you're stupid.

RONALD

Oh, so now you're coddling us?

HARPER

Like children in a delicate garden.

RONALD

Yeah! That's what this 'secure' crap is about. You think we're all just a bunch of neurotic whack jobs?

SAM

It means the *servers* are --

DAVE

Sam. Good, just let it all --

SAM

They're jumping to conclusions that are crazy!

RONALD

"Crazy?!"

General distress.

RONALD

This ad is just ServTech's coded little way of saying sysadmins are crazy.

HARPER

Like foxes afflicted with herpes.

SAM

People --

DAVE

Sam.

SAM

Look, if you talked to any other sysadmins, they'd tell you this is unreasonable.

RONALD

What's that supposed to mean?

PHIL

Sam is telling us we don't have any friends.

RONALD

Oh, that's low.

HARPER

The slogan really means, "Solid and secure, unlike you pestilential hordes who are fated to die alone, friendless, and in some quantity of your own vomit."

SAM

What?

PHIL

This is, without question, the most offensive slogan I have ever! had the misfortune to lay eyes upon.

RONALD

I ain't putting up with this crap.

Murmured assent.

The engineers get up and leave.

The last engineer slams the door behind him.

DAVE

That slogan is a no-go.

SAM

Yeah. We can't offend our customers like that.

DAVE

We'll go with the previous slogan?

SAM

Yeah.

Dave removes the "Solid. Secure. Servers." poster to reveal the ServTech poster under it, which reads --

DAVE

"ServTech: because other servers will go down on you, and suck really hard."

CANNED AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.

Sam and Dave react to this noise.

SAM

Where the hell did that laughter come from?

DAVE

I don't know --

Dave draws a gun.

DAVE

But I'm gonna find out.

Sam produces an automatic and a wicked-looking knife.

SAM

Let's go.

Sam kicks open the door.

They exit.

FADE TO BLACK.