Ken's Entry - 3:34 AM editon

I couldn't resist a little Seasonal flavoring - so here's my offering for 3:34 am:

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

ZACH and his wife MARION, both in their late 30’s / early 40’s, are asleep in their bed. The lights are out, the clock radio on the night stand shows 3:34, and the only illumination is a shaft of moonlight through the window. A light snowfall drifts lazily down outside.

The bedroom door opens a sliver showing a little light from the hallway. Five or six small silhouettes creep inside the door. They move slowly and silently towards the bed. As they get about half way there it becomes obvious they are wearing some sort of high-tech head gear that goes over their eyes. They raise their hands to their eyes, and click an unseen switch. A quiet "whir" is heard, and a green glow comes from lenses over the figures eyes. The head gear is some sort of high-tech night vision. One small figure makes military-type hand gestures to the others, and they flank the bed. They hold position as the lead figure raises a fist in the air, then yanks it down quickly, as if to say "go". In a blur of motion the small figures strap ZACH and MARION to the bed with garland and gag them with oranges. One silhouette flips the light switch on in the room as the others tilt the bed up. ZACH and MARION struggle against their bonds to no avail. All of the small silhouettes are now revealed to be Christmas elves in camo face-paint, and black special forces-style gear (but with curly-toed shoes of course). One elf, PETEY, talks into his headset mic.

PETEY

Tree this is Trimming, over.

TOMMY (V.O. ON MIC)

This is Tree, go Trimming.

PETEY

Tree, nothing is stirring, not even a mouse. Send in Big Red.

TOMMY (V.O. ON MIC)

Roger, Trimming. Big Red is inbound.

The door opens again, and SANTA walks in, looking a bit pissed. He walks slowly over to the bed where ZACH and MARION struggle against their bonds.

SANTA

Soo....Zach and Marion Webster, of 425 Willow Drive. That you?

ZACH and MARION nod slowly.

SANTA

And you got three lovely, lovely children...Austin, Dylan and Cailyn?

ZACH and MARION nod yes again.

SANTA

WE need to have a little talk. Petey here is going to remove those oranges so we can talk, nice and civilized. We can be grownups here, right?

ZACH and MARION nod again

SANTA

But one shout and my boys will go to town on you.

PETEY holds up a stuffed Christmas stocking.

SANTA

Those are filled with broken candy canes. They don’t leave bruises but they mess you up inside. We understand one another?

MARION and ZACH nod yet again, their eyes a lot wider now. SANTA nods to PETEY, and PETEY gestures to the other elves to remove the oranges. ZACH and MARION inhale sharply.

ZACH

You’re...I mean you look like...

SANTA

Santa Claus...Kris Kringle, Saint Nick, Father Christmas whatever you want to call me.

MARION

But..you’re nice...why would you...

SANTA

Bind a torture a nice couple like you?

ZACH

Torture?

SANTA

Maybe...depends.

MARION

On what?

SANTA

On how cooperative you plan on being.

ZACH

You’re Santa Claus...we’re happy to help you out any way we can.

SANTA

Oh yeah? Then tell me...Austin, Dylan and Cailyn....naughty or nice?

ZACH and MARION look at each other. SANTA gestures to PETEY. Several elves move in and whack ZACH with filled Christmas stockings. ZACH winces in pain.

SANTA

I thought you were gonna be all cooperative with jolly old Saint Nick?

MARION

We’ll cooperate! We’ll cooperate!

SANTA

So are they naughty or nice, Marion?

MARION

I...I...

SANTA

Naughty or nice??? Answer me!!!

SANTA gestures and the elves whack Marion with the stuffed stockings.

ZACH

Stop it! Please!

SANTA

Answer me!

MARION

I thought knew these things...you know, "sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake"?

SANTA

Well you thought wrong. Watching Children 24 / 7 is immoral. I don’t know what pedophile freak decided to attribute that to me, but if I ever catch the son of a bitch I will personally stuff that mother fucker down his own goddamn chimney.

ZACH

Spying on children is wrong but torturing parents is okay?

PETEY moves to hit ZACH with the sack again but SANTA waves him off. SANTA goes over and grabs ZACH’s face.

SANTA

Look my friend, there is a war on. I pop down the wrong chimney one night and BOOM! I’m a hostage with a ransom video showing 24/7 on Al Jazeera. Maybe I some bad naughty-versus-nice intelligence on some kid, so I give him a that robotic Lego thingy he wants. Next thing I know his making improvised explosive devices and dropping them by the side of the road. Nuh uh...I’m not taking any chances - I’m taking matters into my own hands and making DAMN sure I know who’s naughty and nice.

MARION

You’re Santa...no one wants to hurt you. You’re a symbol of goodness and generosity.

SANTA

Exactly...I’m a symbol, a very public and well known symbol. People would love to take me down, or catch me being nice to some seriously naughty fucker....ruin my reputation, incarcerate me for aiding and abetting a known naughty. Goddamn liberal press would eat me alive.

ZACH

Wow...you are seriously paranoid. You sound like a republican.

SANTA

I’ve been GOP since Eisenhower, jerkwad.

MARION

Wait...you really ARE republican?

SANTA

No shit Mrs. Sherlock. You think I wear red because it’s slimming?

ZACH

We didn’t mean any insult...

SANTA

I’m goddamn proud to be republican. Hell, Nixon was the one that got me keeping lists and checking them twice. I used to fly Christmas Eve recon missions over Cambodia for that administration in the early 70’s. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have given him that audio tape shredder though. The damn Bushes are in-laws - or did think that uncanny resemblance between Barbara Bush and Mrs. Claus was a coincidence?

MARION

Times are changing...the world is changing.

SANTA

Don’t remind me. All my wiretap authorizations are being revoked, you can’t get a free pass from the justice department anymore, no matter how much you donate to the GOP. I’ll probably be forced to close my internment camp at the north pole too, and put all the detainees on trial.

ZACH

You have an internment camp?

SANTA

Gitmo North. For the super-naughty.

MARION

Santa, things are changing all over, fast. People are tired of being paranoid, tired of fear mongering, tired of being at odds with the rest of the planet. We need hope, not renegade gunslingers.

ZACH

That’s right. Everyone in the world is struggling with the economy now, and we’re all just trying to find ways to stay afloat. We don’t need a symbol who only gives gifts to the people HE thinks are deserving. We need someone who gives generously and freely to all, regardless of color,creed or politics.

SANTA

Even the gays?

ZACH and MARION look at each other for a moment, thinking.

MARION

That's still your call really. But be the person you started to be. Be that symbol of kindness and unconditional love. Take a few things on faith, and give the world what it needs most....hope.

SANTA pauses and thinks.

SANTA

You stole that speech from Barack Obama didn’t you?

ZACH and MARION shrug as if to say "You caught us"

SANTA (CONT)

It’s a good speech though.

SANTA pauses again and thinks more

SANTA

Petey, untie them.

PETEY

But Santa...

SANTA

Just do it. And then let’s go - we’ve got a lot more gifts to give out than we planned on.

PETEY gestures to the other elves, and they remove the garland that ties ZACH and MARION to their bed

PETEY

(into headset mic)

Tree, this is Trimming. We’re standing down. Roof evac in 3 minutes.

SANTA

(to ZACH and MARION)

You two better be right. I’m going to take a few things on faith, and I’ll probably give presents to some questionably naughty people. If anything goes down it’s on your heads.

ZACH

You won’t regret it Santa. It’s time to reach out and rejoin the world and get past this “us and them” mentality.

MARION

Right, and you’ll see we can all come together to rebuild America, liberal and conservative.

SANTA

Only a liberal would say that.

MARION

Sorry.

SANTA

Look....sorry about the tying-up thing. I’ll make sure there’s a new Prius in your driveway tomorrow morning, okay? Elves, we’re pulling out. Petey, take point.

PETEY and the elves exit through the bedroom door. SANTA gets to the door, stops and turns around.

SANTA

And...umm, Merry Christmas.

ZACH

Merry Christmas to you Santa!

MARION

And goodwill to all!

SANTA

God I hate liberals.

SANTA exits. BLACKOUT

FSW: We Three Kings...

The gods of writing have pretty much conspried against me getting anything out before Friday these days. I'm just thankful for that west-coast midnight deadline :)

Our newest sketch warrior suggested the theme last week: Learning Something New About History.

I figured I'd jump the gun and get into the Christmas spirit as well.

Richard took us to school about Harry Truman - no word from Peter yet. I'll update when others report in for battle.

But for now, these three kings of orient are possibly trying to smoke a rubber cigar:

___________________________________________________________________

EXT. DESERT MUD HUT - NIGHT
BALTHASAR, MELCHIOR and CASPAR all stare up into the night sky

BALTHASAR
Oh yeah - that’s definitely an “a-Messiah-is-born” star. No doubt about it.

MELCHIOR
It’s so bright.

CASPAR
Wow....just.....wow.

MELCHIOR
We should probably go inside...we’re probably damaging our eyes staring at it.

CASPAR
We should, like, follow that star man.

BALTHASAR
Caspar you are such a goddamn hippie.

CASPAR
Oh come on man...if there’s a baby messiah under that thing, like the prophecies say, we should go and meet it, introduce ourselves.

BALTHASAR
Hmmmmm...3 wise men, meeting a baby with a big future...not bad. Nice...heart-warming.

MELCHIOR
We should wait and leave in the morning. Riding a camel in the dark is definitely not wise.

BALTHASAR
Think we can get some press to meet us there? Judean Sun Times, maybe The Daily Roman?

CASPAR
Balthasar, not everything is about publicity man! Some things are about love...sharing, connecting with people, bringing the world together.

MELCHIOR
As long as I don’t have to hug the baby...they’re very germy.

CASPAR
We just go, meet the new messiah, maybe give them some new baby gifts...

MELCHIOR
Ooo! I’ve got the perfect thing...a vaporizer. It’s so dry in the desert. And dusty! Oy!

CASPAR
I saw this really cool gourd rattle that would be good, and I can put together some medicinal herbs for the baby, you know, for like when he gets colicy, or starts teething...write out some instructions for the new mommy. I think that could be helpful.

BALTHASAR
Oh....I know. I’m bringing gold. A big bag of gold.

MELCHIOR and CASPAR pause, and stare at BALTHASAR

MELCHIOR
You bastard.

CASPAR
Oh man...you just don’t get it.

BALTHASAR
What? They can just buy whatever they need. Or hold on to it, put it in the messiah‘s college fund.

MELCHIOR
Well, I can’t bring a vaporizer if you’re bringing gold. I’d look like a schmuck.

CASPAR
Balthy, Melchior and I are happy your self-help scroll became a such a big seller. But would you please stop flaunting it.

BALTHASAR
Did you hear it’s getting released in Egyptian?

CASPAR
Do you hear yourself, man? You want to give a bag of gold to a baby, to the king of kings....the son of God. What is he going to do with gold?

MELCHIOR
A baby could choke on those coins...and they’re definitely not sanitary. Who knows where they’ve been. Dirty Romans!

BALTHASAR
Look, if he’s the song of God, why bring him anything anyway, right? Not like he needs something his Dad can’t give him.

CASPAR
That’s not the point man....we give him stuff that says “hey, welcome to the mortal plane...thanks for coming, we want to make you more at home so you stay a while”

MELCHIOR
Vaporizers make desert air much more breathable.

CASPAR
Maybe some personal stuff....stuff From the heart.

BALTHASAR
My money is personal. I made it, and I’m very attached to it. Tis is my way of saying “I’ve been fortunate, and I’m happy to give a little back”

MELCHIOR
You’re saying “I’m a rich bastard who sucks up to deities” is what you’re saying.

BALTHASAR
God gave me the wisdom to write a best-selling self-help scroll. Sue me if I want to give something to his offspring as a thank you for what he gave me.

MELCHIOR
God would throw up if he thought he contributed to “He’s Just Not That Into Jews”. You want to give something? Give him your promise to never write again. There’s a gift he can use!

BALTHASAR
You two have been riding my robe-tails for years. Go ahead admit it - you are so jealous that I’m getting rich and famous, and you can’t even get a Roman research grant.

MELCHIOR
That is not fair! You know those grants are biased against non-latin speakers.

CASPAR
Oh man...you two are bumming me out so bad right now.

MELCHIOR
Happy now? You know how sensitive he is. I’m sorry Caspar. I shouldn’t let him get to me.

CASPAR
It’s alright Melchie. Balthy, maybe you should reconsider...give them something a little less pretentious, more appropriate for a baby. How about a puppy?

MELCHIOR
Or maybe, I don’t know, something you could strap to the side of a donkey that doesn’t say “I have a big exposed bag of gold - please conk me on the head with a rock and steal it.”

BALTHASAR
Look, I’ll give what I want to give, and you give whatever you want to...and can afford to give.

CASPAR and MELCHIOR look at each other, resigned.

CASPAR
Hey Melchie, what do you think of frankincense? You know, as a present for the baby messiah?

MELCHIOR
Oh good choice Caspar. Very nice.

BALTHASAR
What’s that?

CASPAR
Oh man...it’s like this really special type of incense. All natural, homeopathic, and a very unique scent. I know, like, rich people really dig it these days, for their huts and throne rooms and stuff, but my friend Raul makes most of it, so I could probably get a bunch for cheap.

MELCHIOR
You know, I bet I could get a nice bottle of myrrh from Hiram down at the apothecary. He owes me for tutoring his daughter in Sanskrit.

CASPAR
Oh that’s a great idea man!

BALTHASAR
Myrrh? I’ve never heard of myrrh.

CASPAR
It’s a healing balm.

MELCHIOR
Like Neosporin, but for rich-people. It’s got a real nice smell, and everyone thinks it’s exotic because of the name. They did some very nice branding on Myrrh.

BALTHASAR
I’ve never heard of frankincense or myrrh. I bet most people haven’t.

CASPAR
Probably not.

MELCHIOR
Which will make them seem more special, and personal. Not cold, common and ordinary like gold....I mean, anybody can get gold, right?

BALTHASAR
Yeah, but everybody KNOWS what gold is. Years from now people will still remember that one wise man gave the messiah baby gold.

CASPAR
Yeah, but they’ll talk about the frankincense and the myrrh, since those are like, rare and mysterious...they’ll, like, have to go look those up.

MELCHIOR
And at dinner parties they’ll be like “well, one of them gave gold, but what’s frankincense?”

CASPAR
“What’s Myrrh?”

MELCHIOR
Those will be what everybody talks about.

CASPAR
Forever.

MELCHIOR
People just can’t resist a little mystery, or talking about exotic things, can they?

CASPAR
Nope. Just in their nature.

BALTHASAR looks in angry disbelief at CASPAR and MELCHIOR. The storms off stage.

CASPAR
Hey Balthy, where you going man?

BALTHASAR (O.S.)
To find a fucking puppy!

CASPAR
(to MELCHIOR)
You’re still going with the vaporizer, right?

MELCHIOR
Never considered myrrh for a second. You?

CASPAR
They’d arrest me on sight for giving frankincense to a baby. But I got a little back in the hut....want to smoke some and stare at the messiah star?

MELCHIOR
Why not. My eyes could stand a little more damage.

MELCHIOR and CASPAR exit

FADE TO BLACK.