Friday Night Sketch War: 3:34am Edition

Coyote is temporarily indisposed, and has left it to me to sum up the latest Friday Sketch War. Since I'm lazy, I'll subcontract the job out to Mr. Joey Weitzman:

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Alright, this week they didn't <bleep> around, they were all, "Yeah, we're so <bleep>ing hard we can do any <bleep>ing topic we want."

So somebody was all, "Oh yeah? <bleep> it, let's write sketches about '3:34am'!"

And another <bleep> was all, "That's not funny at all!"

And then they punched that guy in the face. And they said, "Yeah, this week's <bleep>ing topic is 3:34am! We can do this <bleep> because we are bad-<bleep> mother<bleep>ers."

• So then Coyote writes this sketch about Jared, who's just tryin' to sleep, man. I'll bet that, like, he's really a ninja, and he's all "<bleep> it, my master says not to bust out killing people," and he's all, like, conflicted and stuff.
  
• And then Ken's like, "Whut whut?" and he throws down this sketch about Santa. Yeah, you might think Santa's all weak and <bleep>. Think again. Santa will <bleep> you up.
  
• And finally Peter slammed down this one, which is like THIS CLOSE to having a unicorn in it. Yeah, you might think you're awesome, but you're sure as <bleep> not UNICORN-AWESOME.

I don't know which fighter won, but I do know for positively <bleep>ing certain that that "not-funny" lost. Yeah.

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Thanks, Joey!

This coming Friday is the day after Christmas, so we have a unique holiday challenge. The "Sketch Skirmish" is to come up with the best two-line scene on the topic "Christmas Presents". Then, on January second, we resume normal Sketch Wars.

Sketch War, "3:34am" Edition, Peter's Entry

Friday Sketch War
3:34AM Edition
“Building Maintenance”

BLACKNESS

A light SWITCHES ON to REVEAL --

INT. CONFERENCE AREA - NIGHT

SANJAY walks into an ad-hoc meeting-space in a vast, dark office floor. It has a couple of couches and a coffee table.

A projection screen (now blank) occupies a nearby wall.

A large mechanical device sits in the middle of the area.

A wall clock tells us it’s 3:34. The darkened windows along the wall tell us it’s 3:34am.

Sanjay wears a nice suit. He chugs down a big mug of coffee as he walks in.

He puts down the mug. Takes a breath.

A NOISE from the darkness.

Sanjay peers around. Nothing.

SANJAY

Screen on.

The projection screen blips on. It shows MR. ABBAS, sitting somewhere expensive and sunny and staring at the screen.

MR. ABBAS

Four minutes late.

SANJAY

Oh. I can explain.

MR. ABBAS

I’m kidding! It’s a joke!

SANJAY

Ha.

MR. ABBAS

You can be late -- it is, what, three in the morning where you are?

OMINOUS SOUNDTRACK MUSIC fades in on the office PA system.

SANJAY

We pride ourselves on professionalism, sir. We’re more than happy to accommodate your schedule, because...

He trails off. Where the hell did that music come from?

MR. ABBAS

Is that music?

SANJAY

Yes. Is that a problem?

MR. ABBAS

No, just show this machine to me.

SANJAY

Of course, sir.

In the background, a JANITOR enters and lays a long piece of brightly-colored TAPE on the floor. Sanjay hasn’t noticed him yet --

SANJAY

This is just a model of the EP-71, but -- bwah!

That’s Sanjay noticing the janitor.

MR. ABBAS

What?

SANJAY

Just one moment, sir. Screen off.

Screen blips off.

The janitor finishes laying down the length of tape. Sanjay just stares at him. By way of explanation --

JANITOR

Tuesday night. So I tape.

-- and off he goes.

SANJAY

Screen on. Sorry, I --

MR. ABBAS

I have no time. Show me this machine! Now!

SANJAY

This is just a model, but it demonstrates --

Janitor re-enters, dumping a pile of small beanbags behind the tape line. Off Sanjay’s look --

JANITOR

Tuesday!

He re-exits.

SANJAY

-- demonstrates the drilling capabilities of the real device.

The janitor re-enters, moves the couches to the wall while Sanjay soldiers on.

SANJAY

The innovative design saves over 30% in spillage and --

The janitor starts dragging the machine away.

SANJAY

Screen off!

Screen blips off.

SANJAY

What the hell! What are you doing?

JANITOR

Tuesday!

SANJAY

Please just leave this machine here. Please.

Janitor shrugs, exits.

SANJAY

Screen on.

Screen blips on.

SANJAY

Sorry about that. Now --

ANNE (O.S.)

Lightning bolt!

A beanbag hits Sanjay in the head.

SANJAY

What?

And suddenly a bunch of EXECS, including ANNE and the CEO, rush in.

They’re dressed in Ren Faire/fantasy costumes, brandishing Nerf swords, and throwing beanbags at one another while shouting D&D spell names: “Magic missile!”, “Heal!”, et cetera. (Anne only ever says “Lightning bolt!”)

The CEO wears a hood that conceals his face.

They nearly knock Sanjay down in the bustle.

The CEO triumphantly jumps behind the tape.

CEO

Aha! The forces of Melchior have activated the magic wall!

Anne throws a beanbag at him.

ANNE

Lightning bolt!

CEO

‘Magic wall’.

ANNE

Sorry.

The CEO sees the beanbag pile.

CEO

And now we have a stash of new spells!

A few execs cheer.

SANJAY

What are you people doing?

The CEO pulls back the hood.

CEO

Live-action D&D, Sanjay.

SANJAY

Oh. Boss. Hi.

MR. ABBAS

This is not good! And unprofessional!

CEO

You’re meeting with Abbas now? During the game?

SANJAY

Game?

CEO

Fix this.

The CEO leads the EXECS away.

CEO (O.S.)

This castle is protected by an evil wizard! We must escape!

Sanjay faces the screen. Mr. Abbas is not happy.

SANJAY

I -- this isn’t -- let’s get back to the machine --

MR. ABBAS

I’m kidding! It is fine. I play like that all the time. I am a fifth-level bard.

SANJAY

I -- what?

MR. ABBAS

But -- no time. Do this again same time tomorrow?

SANJAY

Okay. Sure.

MR. ABBAS

Screen off.

The screen blips off.

Sanjay collapses on a couch.

ANNE (O.S.)

Lightning bolt!

A beanbag flies in from offscreen and hits Sanjay in the head.

He lies down and goes to sleep.

BLACKOUT.

Jared at 3:34AM

INT. JARED'S APARTMENT, BEDROOM - NIGHT

TITLE: MONDAY

JARED sleeps alone. Young and nebbishy, at least what we can see poking from under the covers. An old-school FLIP CLOCK reads 3:33AM. It flips...

...and three car alarms go off simultaneously. Jared pops up, reaches for the alarm clock, realizes the noise is outside. He lies back down and stares at the ceiling.

INT. JARED'S APARTMENT, BEDROOM - NIGHT

TITLE: TUESDAY

Same place, same time. Jared sleeps. The clock reads 3:33AM. It flips...

...and we hear Jared's party girl neighbors walk under his window laughing and screeching drunkenly. He pops up, and immediately lies back down, sighing loudly.

INT. JARED'S APARTMENT, BEDROOM - NIGHT

TITLE: WEDNESDAY

The clock at 3:33AM again. It flips. No sound for a few tantalizing seconds and then...

...the beeping and crashing of a garbage truck under the window. Jared wakes, grabs his pillow and tries to cover his ears.

INT. TRAVEL AGENT'S - DAY

TITLE: SEVEN HOURS LATER

Jared sits across from MABEL, in her 60s with crudely dyed hair. She hands him a small PACKET and he smiles and shakes her hand.

INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

TITLE: THURSDAY, HOTEL DEL SOL, MEXICO

A gentle breeze shifts the sheers on the patio slider, causing the light of the moon to shimmer and dance across the bed. Jared sleeps in the fluffy, oversized bed, so peaceful. The CLOCK at the side of his bed reads 3:33AM. It changes and...

the sounds of a Mexican Hat Dance roll loudly through the open door. Jared opens his eyes wearily.

INT. TRAVEL AGENT'S - DAY

TITLE: 12 HOURS LATER

Jared's animated right now. Mabel points to POSTERS - Hawaii, Jamaica, Miami - Jared shakes his head violently. He points and Mabel looks in shock.

ANGLE ON POSTER

Iceland: Land of the Midnight Sun

INT. HOTEL ROOM - DUSK

TITLE: SATURDAY, 36 HOURS LATER, ICELAND

Muted light filters in through a window. The super-cool, oh-so modern CLOCK next to the bed reads 3:33AM. It flips and...

GOLFER (O.S.)

Fore!

There's a whack of club on ball. Jared opens his mouth to scream and...

CUT TO:

INT. PADDED CELL - NIGHT

Jared's wrapped up tight in a STRAIGHTJACKET, but he has a huge smile on his face as he sleeps peacefully. No sounds are heard but his own gentle snoring. He opens his eyes and stretches as much as a man in a straightjacket can stretch. The door has a small viewport and we

ANGLE OUT VIEWPORT

On the nurses's station. We see an old-school FLIP CLOCK change to 3:34AM.

BLACKOUT: