Friday, February 22, 2008

FNSW: The Certificant

(Scott Johnson sits at his desk. Ivo Princip enters the office, wearing a suit and carrying his resume. He crosses, shakes Scott's hand, and sits opposite.)

SCOTT
Nice to meet you, Mr. Princip. I'm Scott. May I call you Ivo?

IVO
No.

SCOTT
O--kay...why don't you tell me a little about yourself.

IVO
Did you not read my resume?

SCOTT
I did, but I was hoping maybe you could maybe elaborate, go into a little detail about some of your experience, tell me why you think you'd be a good fit for this position.

IVO
You are hiring for engineer, yes? I am engineer.

SCOTT
O--kay. Let's start with a few questions, then. I see you've got your masters, that's good. But you've only got one year of experience --

IVO
-- I am certified.

SCOTT
What now?

IVO
I have MCSE, CNA, CNE, SCJP --

SCOTT
-- That's great, too. How about a couple of quick tech questions? Let me get a feel for your level. Can you explain polymorphism to me?

IVO
Polymorphism. No.

SCOTT
Nothing? Maybe you want to try talking through it, see if you can't give me a few of its traits?

IVO
No.

SCOTT
Can you tell me why you would use an abstract class?

IVO
No.

SCOTT
Define inheritance?

IVO
Inheritance?
...No.

SCOTT
Ivo --

IVO
-- Mr. Princip.

SCOTT
Mr. Princip. It says here that you're an expert in object oriented programming.

IVO
Object oriented programming. Yes. I am certified.

SCOTT
Can you define that for me?

IVO
Object oriented programming?

SCOTT
Please.

IVO
No.

SCOTT
Alright. Let's step back a bit, then. I see here under this technology section you've also got Photoshop listed. You certainly wouldn't be doing any of that here, but while I was working my way through college I actually worked in a graphics shop. So why don't you tell me how you'd use an alpha channel?

IVO
Alpha channel?

SCOTT
Yes.

IVO
That is...there are channels...many of them...this is the first. It is first channel.

SCOTT
O--kay. Let's jump back over to programming for a minute. Can you give me an example of a recursive algor --

IVO
-- May I ask question first?

SCOTT
Sure.

IVO
Are you certified?

SCOTT
Me? No. I don't have any certifications. It's never come up. I really only have time for the occasional conference or seminar and haven't had call to get certified.

IVO
Then how can you be expected to ask me question? Is like...is like student, asking teacher, no? I am certified, but you are not. It make no sense, yes?

SCOTT
Excuse me??

IVO
How can I...to explain, be clear, to you? You are member of team, yes? Maybe I speak with someone more senior. Your manager is certified?

SCOTT
I'm the team lead.

IVO
So, is team of junior engineer.

SCOTT
We get by. Well Ivo --

IVO
-- Mr. Princip.

SCOTT
Mr. Princip. It's been interesting meeting you. I wish you luck in your job search.

(Ivo sits for a minute, then gets the hint and leaves.)

BLACKOUT

LIGHTS UP

(Scott sits at his desk. The door opens and Steve Kramer enters.)

SCOTT
Boss. What's up?

STEVE
Scott, you know you've been trying to get some help on the team, well, I've got it fixed. I just interviewed a rockstar of an engineer.

SCOTT
That's great! Do you want me to talk to him?

STEVE
No need. Already hired him. Whipsmart, and has certifications out the ass. Hell of an engineer. Ivo Princip. You'll be reporting to him starting Monday.

BLACKOUT

4 comments:

Michael Brownlee said...

Why do I have the feeling that this is a chapter from your autobiography?

R.A. Porter said...

Sadly, I didn't get to interview the guy upon whom this is based. My colleague did. And then didn't think that I'd want to just for giggles.

NotNits said...

So this kind of stuff isn't relegated exclusively to the marketing world, huh?

Deliciously infuriating.

R.A. Porter said...

And here I didn't think anyone but engineers was going to relate.

Apparently, it's *everywhere*.