Rules & Regs

(CHERYL is in her cubicle, talking on the phone.)

CHERYL
I know, Sue, I couldn’t believe it either… No, you were so right to feel that way…
(GREG enters and stands in the doorway. CHERYL sees him but continues talking.)
Don’t be. He shouldn’t have been taking up two seats.
(GREG knocks softly on the doorway. CHERYL holds up a finger.)
There were two comfortable chairs in the entire coffee shop, and he sits in one of them and drapes his coat over the other. I would have been pissed too.
(GREG sits on the edge of the desk.)
Sorry, Sue, I have to go. Uh-huh… Yeah… Well, these things have a way of coming back around, don’t you worry… Uh-huh… Uh-huh.
(GREG taps his watch.)
Okay, I’ll talk to you later. Bye.

(CHERYL hangs up. GREG stares at her a few seconds.)

GREG
Cheryl, we’ve been over this.

CHERYL
Are you serious?

GREG
Of course I’m serious. Did you think I was joking?

CHERYL
It’s just that I can’t believe you would hound me about my personal phone calls when Jim is in the next cubicle, building a siege engine!

(pause)

GREG
A siege engine?

CHERYL
Yeah! He’s got a catapult he’s working on in there!

(pause)

GREG
I didn't know he was doing that.

CHERYL
He totally is!

GREG
That's wrong too. That can't happen.

(GREG stands and exits the cubicle. The stage rotates, and we follow GREG into the neighboring cubicle, where JIM sits typing at his computer. On the floor are enormous planks of timber, giant wooden bolts, and several feet of leather belts. GREG carefully steps over a huge wheel.)

GREG
Jim?

JIM
Hey!

GREG
Can I talk to you for a second?

JIM
Sure thing.

GREG
Um… I shouldn’t have let it get this far, so in a way the blame lies with both of us–

JIM
If this is about the Bellwether invoices, I’m on it. I’ll upload them to the database this afternoon.

GREG
No, Jim, it’s the catapult. I can’t have you constructing a catapult in your office.

JIM
Technically, it’s a trebuchet.

GREG
It makes no difference what form of siege engine you’re building…

JIM
Hells yeah it does! Technically, a trebuchet is a type of catapult. But when Americans think of a “catapult,” they think of a “mangonel.” That’s the clunky, stiff-armed log that just hurls something off into the distance.
(He cranks his arm with exaggerated clumsiness.)
Thwunk.

GREG
And that’s not what you’re doing.

JIM
Uh, no. The trebuchet utilizes a sling. Much more elegant, much more accurate, gets a little extra torque at the release point. This is what you want to use to launch some flaming garbage or a diseased corpse over a wall.

CHERYL (off)
You better not be thinking of launching any corpses into my cubicle!

JIM
Don’t flatter yourself!

GREG
Jim, the point is that I can’t have you working on this in your office.

JIM
I only work on it during my lunch break…
(louder)
…unlike a certain person chatting with her sister all damn day!

CHERYL (off)
She’s going through a breakup!

GREG
I’m more concerned about safety. I don’t want it to go off accidentally and send a photocopier crashing into a conference room.

JIM
It takes several strong men working in tandem to fire one of these. It’s not going to go off accidentally.

GREG
Siege engines are obsolete pieces of weaponry, rough-hewn and unpredictable. Unlike modern firearms, there are no regulations or licensing procedures in place concerning their safety in an office environment. Accidents happen, Jim.

JIM
I don’t know what kind of idiot you think you’re dealing with, but I would not have embarked on this project without a thorough understanding of what I’m doing.

GREG
I don’t think you’re an idiot, Jim.

JIM
Who caught the error on the Bellwether invoices right before they were sent out? I saved this company tens of thousands of dollars!

GREG
Thank you.

JIM
And frankly, unless you can point me to the Rules & Regs where it says I can’t construct a trebuchet in the workplace, I think I’ll keep right on constructing mine.

(pause)

GREG
Do you know what a rollmop is, Jim?

JIM
A pickle wrapped in herring.

GREG
It’s a pickle, wrapped in herring. There was a project manager named Ackerman who used to make them, and it stank the place up something fierce. I told him to knock it off. He pulled that “show me the Rules & Regs” crap, and no, according to the letter of the law, there was no anti-rollmop clause. But the next time we updated the Rules & Regs, we added one. And the next time he stank up the break room with herring, he was out of here.

JIM
When was this?

GREG
Seven months ago.

JIM
And how often are the Rules & Regs updated?

(brief pause)

GREG
That’s not your concern.

JIM
Cheryl, how often do they update the Rules & Regs?

GREG
You don’t have to answer that, Cheryl.

CHERYL (off)
Every five years.

(pause)

JIM
It appears we are at an impasse.

GREG
It appears we are.

JIM
And I’m the one with the siege engine.

(GREG and JIM stare each other down for several moments. Then GREG leaves. JIM returns to his computer. After a beat, GREG reappears at the cubicle door.)

GREG
But watch your back, Jim. If I catch you so much as thinking about wrapping a pickle in herring, you are out on your ass.

(GREG leaves again. JIM once again returns to his computer. Beat.)

CHERYL (off)
Hey, Sue, sorry we got interrupted… What I was saying was one of these days that guy is going to take up two seats in the wrong coffee shop. Then he’ll know what it feels like.

(JIM shakes his head in exasperation. Blackout.)