Friday, February 22, 2008

Friday Sketch War

If you'd like to get in on the fun, simply write a sketch and post a link to it. If you'd like to check out some of the battles that have already transpired you can go here. If you'd like to see a funny video about a guy flipping off a phone you can go here.

Dave, like last week, is the first one to strike. Hilarious.

Update: Richard's joined the fray.

Here is my answer to the question "How can we spur the market and turn this recession around?"


(Michael Chertoff, Secretary of Homeland Security, is giving a press conference.)

MICHAEL: We have received word of some rumors of possible attempts at terrorism somewhere in or around the United States. So we are raising the Terror Threat Level to Orange.

(Members of the press call out to him. He points at one.)

GAIL: Gail Jones, CNN. Should the American people be afraid for their lives?

MICHAEL: We live in a nation that is under constant threat of violence from people who truly hate our guts, but the American people shouldn’t be worried.

(More shouting, Michael points to someone else.)

MATT: Matt Rod, NBC News, America’s News leader. Secretary Chertoff, if the people shouldn’t worry, then is there any real threat?

MICHAEL: Oh my God, yes. These are vicious, freedom hating people who want to see all of us die a horrible, painful death. You know, they’ve infiltrated our country and are living among us, waiting for the opportunity to kill us all in our sleep. I just thank God I’ve got the Secret Service protecting me.

(More shouting, Michael points to someone else.)

LEE: Lee Scott, CEO of Wal-Mart. Should people stockpile food and clothing during this heightened state of panic in America?

MICHAEL: Yes. We are recommending that all Americans stock up on bread, milk and the latest in fashion and electronic goods. We strongly urge them to purchase these items at a discount chain store with everyday low prices.

(The scene shifts to a resort beach. Two men are lounging in the sun.)

ZANJI: Ahmed, what are we doing at this resort? I thought as a terrorist I would be getting to create more terror than this.

AHMED: Relax Zanji. Chill out. There really is not much for us to be doing anymore.

ZANJI: But how can we call ourselves terrorists if we do not terrorize anyone?

AHMED: The world has changed, my friend, and we have to change with it. The infidels are so busy trying to scare their own people that we can take it easy for a while.

ZANJI: And you like it this way?

AHMED: Are you kidding me? I love it! Come on, let us go inside. We will order a couple of coconut mimosas, play some blackjack and pay an expensive call girl to run around in a burka.

(Brickabrac enters, very excited)

BRICKABRAC: Ahmed! Zanji!

AHMED: What is it Brickabrac?

ZANJI: Are we to blow up this infidel sin palace?

BRICKABRAC: No, I have a massage scheduled at 3 o’clock.

ZANJI: Then what?

BRICKABRAC: I just called our accountant and the stock portfolio has tripled!

AHMED: Praise Allah!

BRICKABRAC: You were right, Ahmed, Exxon/Mobile is having a fantastic year.

AHMED: (Sarcastic) Gee, I wonder why?

(They all begin laughing. The scene shifts back to the press conference.)

BETTY: Secretary Chertoff, what are we doing to protect our oil reserves?

MICHAEL: Instead of wasting man power on oil fields that are located in a hot, hostile environment, we are preparing a preemptive invasion of The Soviet Union to take theirs.

BETTY: Why would we do that?

MICHAEL: To protect the American way of life and bring democracy and Jesus to all heathen people. Besides, it’s something the boys at the Pentagon have been wanting to do for quite a while.

BETTY: But it’s not even called The Soviet Union anymore.

MICHAEL: Shh. Don’t let the boys in the Pentagon hear you say that.

GINNY: Secretary Chertoff, were there any specific targets named in the unspecified threats?

MICHAEL: We know that these hate-mongering people hate us, our freedom and our lifestyle. That is why we think that their next attack will strike the very heart of all we hold dear.

BRAD: Our children?

GAIL: Hollywood?

MICHAEL: McDonald’s.

(Everyone gasps.)

BRAD: Should people stop going there?

MICHAEL: No. That would be playing right into their hand. If our children can’t have saturated fat and cheap plastic toys served to them by an underpaid teenager in a paper hat then the terrorists have truly won. I implore all Americans to eat at McDonald’s morning, noon and night as a sign of defiance to these men of terror.

(The scene shifts back to Ahmed, Zanji and Brickabrac who are looking at a newspaper.)

BRICKABRAC: (Pointing at something in the paper) There! There it is!

AHMED: McDonald’s is up 35%!

ZANJI: Praise Allah!

(The scene shifts back to the press conference.)

GAIL: Have there been any threats to disrupt the elections in November?

MICHAEL: All elections have been postponed indefinitely. His Eminence, Premier Bush, feels that since he was President when all this began, he should remain in power until it is over.

GAIL: And when will all this be over?

MICHAEL: Until evil is obliderated from the face of the Earth or until the Bush bloodline ends. Which ever comes first.

(The scene shifts back to Ahmed, Zanji and Brickabrac. Brickabrac and Ahmed are on the phone talking to different people.)

BRICKABRAC: (On phone. Very menacing.) Yes, I would like to report a terrorist threat…Not just to this one Coca-Cola plant but to all Coca-Cola plants worldwide.

(He hangs up the phone.)

AHMED: (On phone.) That’s right, Jerry, I want you to buy as much Coca-Cola stock as you can. I have a good feeling about it.

(He hangs up)

ZANJI: (Sipping a cocktail) Ahmed, I am sorry that I doubted you.

AHMED: Zanji, my friend, if there is one thing I have learned from studying our enemys in Washington, it is that they hate their people way more than we do. Now, who wants to go to Disneyland?

(The men all cheer and high five each other.)

BLACKOUT

3 comments:

R.A. Porter said...

Goddamn it. We've got the same broker. You'd think Jerry Goldstein would give me a hint when he gets these tips from Ahmed.

NotNits said...

Massages and 72 black-eyed virgins?

sigh.

I wish I was a terrorist.

R.A. Porter said...

That can be arranged.

Wait on the corner of S. East Avenue and W. Merchant St. in in Kankakee at 3am tonight. Wear a red carnation.