Thursday, February 28, 2008

FSW: 2008 NFL Combine

(Scott Van Pelt and Mel Kiper stand in a broadcast booth at an arena. Graphics read "2008 NFL COMBINE".)

SCOTT
Welcome back. I'm joined now in the booth by Mel Kiper. Mel, what are your thoughts on the first three days of competition?

MEL
Scott, this has been a great combine. It's been an especially strong year for the skill positions, with quarterbacks and receivers performing particularly well. We're still waiting on the official scores on the Wonderlic, but early reports show none of the surprises we've had in years past. Today we'll be seeing defensive linemen and defensive backs and I know a lot of GMs are anxious to see how they do.

SCOTT
It looks like we've already got our first defensive back warming up down on the course now. It's Darren McKnight out of Purdue. Mel, what can you tell us about Darren?

(Down on the field, we see that an obstacle course has been set up. There's a large seesaw, a series of jumps, a long line of slalom poles, a curved tunnel. A layout familiar to anyone who has ever seen dog agility trials.)

MEL (O.S.)
Darren's a smaller d-back, but he's quick and agile and can run all day. You really love watching guys like this, the way they just jump around, always excited and happy to please.

(Darren and a middle-aged woman are at the starting line. Darren is hopping around like a Jack Russell and the woman holds out a piece of bacon for him.)

MEL (O.S.)
Darren's handler is his mother and agent, Myrtle McKnight. She's an experienced handler, having managed both of Darren's older brothers at the combine in year's past. Vince is a wide receiver for the Cardinals, and Trey is a punter and backup QB up in Buffalo. She knows what she's doing out there, and as long as she can keep Darren's attention, he'll do great.

(A gun sounds and Darren starts running the course. Myrtle guides him through it.)

SCOTT (O.S.)
He's going great out there. Looks like a real pro, doesn't he?

MEL (O.S.)
He sure does, Scott. Myrtle's giving him just enough freedom to really fly, but still keeping him focused. Look how she's always one step ahead of Darren so he knows where to go next.

(Darren overshoots the entrance to the slalom poles and Myrtle has to get him back to restart them.)

MEL (O.S.)
Oh no! That's a five second penalty! He's going to have to really work hard to make up that loss.

(Darren finishes the course and jumps into his mother's arms and kisses her.)

SCOTT (O.S.)
That really was a shame, wasn't it. Looked like he had a shot at the course record.

MEL (O.S.)
He sure did, Scott, but I think his time will still put him in the top three for his position.

SCOTT (O.S.)
Let's go down to Erin Andrews on the field and see what the competitors have to say.

(Sideline reporter and Internet sensation Erin Andrews stands by Myrtle and Darren. Darren jumps out of his mother's arms and hops around, still excited from his run.)

ERIN
Myrtle, can you tell us what happened out there?

(Darren gets down on all fours and starts to sniff Erin's crotch.)

ERIN
Oh my! That's a good boy. Okay! That's enough, now. Down, big fella!

MYRTLE
Darren! Mind your manners, boy!

(Darren stops sniffing and sits by Myrtle.)

MYRTLE
Sorry, Erin. He gets a little excited sometimes.

(Erin, excited herself, fans herself.)

ERIN
That's alright, Myrtle. He's a cutie pie. Aren't you, Darren? Such a good boy.

(Back to the booth.)

SCOTT
Okay. We'll come back to Erin in a bit. Up next, wide receivers jump off a pier to retrieve a stick.

BLACKOUT

2 comments:

Michael Brownlee said...

Nicely done, Cap'n.

R.A. Porter said...

Thank you, kindly. Honestly, your One True Plan is awfully funny, but I have Erin Andrews' crotch. I think that makes them a toss up.