FSW: Rachel Ray, $40 a Day

For the whiny little bitches - you know who you are - who are going to read this and say "you've never been with a real woman...you wouldn't know what to do...curves...hawt..." whatever. Rachel Ray's genetics are showing through. She's going to be a fat old Italian woman someday. Facts are facts. So what? I'm a fat dude, so imagine it's me dressed in drag for this sketch.

Also, I found a *great* parody sketch of RR when I was putting this together this evening. I needed to get the patter she uses to start off her show, so I went to YouTube. No luck finding a real opening to $40 a Day, but I did find this MadTV sketch. I stole the opening two sentences which sounded exactly the way I recall RR's opening. It feels weird to crib from another sketch instead of directly from the horse's mouth (yeah, I meant to say horse,) but you gotta do what you gotta do. Anyway, that's a great sketch which I recommend watching almost as much as I recommend reading mine.

Rachel Ray, $40 a Day

(Various shots of Rachel Ray - played by a fat man in a wig - in action, eating, eating some more, and eating still more. Opening graphics and music over. The credits end and we settle on our Rachel mid-screen wearing short-shorts and a bikini top with a sheer wrap over. The clothes look like they fit 30 pounds earlier. Or, perhaps when she still looked like a woman instead of a fat man in a wig.)

RACHEL
Hi everybody, I'm Rachel Ray! And this is '$40 a Day', the show where I travel to exotic locales and show you how to have great meals for little money. Today we're in one of my favorite places...Miami Beach! The great thing about Miami Beach is how relaxed everyone is.

(Camera pans around to show strollers, rollerbladers, lots of people in beach attire. As the camera pans back to Rachel, we see some people staring and pointing in disgust.)

RACHEL (CONT)
I'm starving, so let's go get some breakfast!

(Rachel waddles a few steps and stops in front of a restaurant. She leans over and puts her hand on the door frame to brace herself. She's winded. There's a chalkboard with specials right next to the door.)

RACHEL (CONT)
(Winded) This place, (looking around for the name) Miguel's, is a favorite with the locals, I'm sure. And these specials sound yum-o!

(Cut to Rachel sitting at a table with a menu and a cocktail in front of her. The cocktail is huge, fruity, and has an umbrella. But she's eaten the fruit, tossed aside the umbrella, and already drunk half of it. A waiter approaches.)

WAITER
Have you decided what you'd like?

RACHEL
Everything sounds so good...french toast, eggs benedict, machaca and eggs, oooh...fried plantains - delish! Okay, I'll have that.

WAITER
A side of fried plantains? Is that all?

RACHEL
Nooo. French toast, eggs benedict, machaca and eggs, AND the fried plantains. And (finishing her drink in one mighty gulp) this bitch is kicked. Bring me another of these.

(The waiter walks off fearfully as Rachel turns to the camera.)

RACHEL (CONT)
When you're traveling, you really want to find the unique little places that make a city special. Miami Beach is a melting pot of different cultures, and the Cuban influence is felt everywhere. Like in this drink.

(Waiter returns with two other waiters, all carrying loaded trays with Rachel's breakfast. They set the mass of food in front of her and she starts eating before the last plate is even in place. The second and third waiters hurry off. Most of the food ends up in her mouth, but there is a certain amount of spillover.)

WAITER
Can I bring you anything else? Some water, or another napkin perhaps?

RACHEL
(Speaking through food) No, I'm good for now. Thanks.

(Cut to the end of the meal. The plates are cleared, the food is gone. Two empty glasses are on the table, a third in Rachel's hand as she finishes off with a loud 'slurp' with the straw. As she puts the glass down, she notices a piece of bacon lodged between her breasts. She picks it out and eats it. The waiter returns with the check.)

RACHEL
Let's see how I did.

(Graphics of a check being tallied. The pre-tip total comes to $28 for food and $11 for drinks. Her tip of $1 brings her to a total of $40.)

RACHEL (CONT)
Oops! It looks like we've used up our whole budget for the day on breakfast. But that's okay, there's plenty for us to do here in good old Miami Beach, and who knows, maybe we'll figure out a way to squeeze lunch and dinner out of this day, anyway.

(Cut to Rachel waddling down the street away from the restaurant. Shouting is heard in the background and the camera pans around to see the waiter standing outside, waving the dollar tip.)

WAITER
I think you left this on the table, you cheap bleep.

RACHEL
Come on, I think we should get out of here. Right now! (Starts running, because fat guys in drag are funny when they run.)

(Cut to Rachel splashing around in the ocean. People are staring.
Cut to Rachel sitting on a bench. She's changed into a slightly less revealing, but equally inappropriate outfit, this time with a short skirt.)

RACHEL (CONT)
Oh boy! I'm famished! In the summertime when I was a kid, I'd go swimming at the lake near my Grandpa Manny's. And when I got out of the water, he'd always have a steaming bowl of soup and a sammie waiting for me. So now whenever I swim, I crave soup and a sammie. I've gotta figure out a way...

(An older, well-dressed man walks by.)

RACHEL (CONT)
Excuse me sir, have you got a second?

MAN
Sure. Hey, you're that Rachel Ray! My wife - rest her soul - used to watch your show all the time.

RACHEL
(Getting an idea) Your wife passed away. That's so sad. I'm sorry for your loss. I'll bet you've been really lonely...

MAN
Excuse me?

(The fat-man-in-a-wig Rachel starts aggressively flirting - sucking his fingers, touching his chest, pulling his skirt up to reveal more leg.)

RACHEL
I mean, since your wife's been gone. You have needs. I do too. I want soup. And I know what you want. Come on back to my hotel. I promise we'll be done in thirty minutes or less.

(The man runs away.)

RACHEL (CONT)
(Calling out in the distance) How 'bout you, sweet cheeks!?

(Cut to later. Rachel is still sitting on the bench, crying.)

RACHEL (CONT)
(Through the tears) I just can't take it anymore. My husband's cheating on me, Oprah won't return my calls, and I just want a bowl of soup and a sammie.

(Cut to Rachel crawling through a garbage dumpster, looking for food.)

RACHEL (CONT)
When you're on vacation, remember to take in the local color and customs. I hear that Miami Beach is famous for dumpster diving to find free food...

(Cut to Rachel standing on the sidewalk. It's night time. She looks like a girl who's been rejected for sex and eaten dumpster food.)

RACHEL (CONT)
I'm Rachel Ray and I'll see you next time on $40 a Day. (To child walking by with ice cream cone) Hey. Hey, kid, I'm talking to you! Can I have a lick off that?!

BLACKOUT