Friday, May 9, 2008

FSW: Small Store Edition

Richard is the early bird this week with a hilarious sketch about a little pillow talk.

I know Dave was headed to a Cubs game today, so he could be busy putting on his parka and snow boots before heading to the stadium. It's like March here today.

Here's my sketch for what it's worth. After seeing Campaign Supernova the other night, I really wanted to blast one out of the park. But I'll settle for a single. As long as I don't strand the runner on base.

(A small, country grocery store. JIM stands behind the counter as JERRY finishes unloading his basket. Jim is ringing up items on the cash register, no barcode scanner here, through their conversation.)

JIM: You are going to love these strawberries. Meredith just picked them yesterday.

JERRY: Your produce is always so good.

JIM: Well, it helps when our orchard is only ten miles away. We can pick it and sell it the same day.

JERRY: It certainly makes a difference.

JIM: You can almost taste the love.

JERRY: Is that where that extra sweetness comes from?

(They laugh. Jim has finished tallying up the order.)

JIM: All righty. That’s going to be $27.50.

(He reaches under the counter and pulls out a plastic bag.)

JERRY: Don’t worry about the bag, Jim, I brought my own.

JIM: Well, look at you. Janet’s finally got you paying attention to the environment.

JERRY: She told me that if I brought home another plastic bag from the store she’d smother me with it.

(They laugh.)

JIM: Well, I’m glad to see you’re doing your part. Here, let me bag it up for you.

JERRY: You don’t have to-

JIM: No, no. Come on.

(Jim takes the bag and freezes. His mood shifts.)

JIM: What the hell is this?

JERRY: What?

JIM: This?

(Jim points to the logo on the bag.)

JERRY: It’s a reusable bag, Jim.

JIM: From Wal-Mart, Jerry. Why do you have a bag from Wal-Mart?

JERRY: I…I…I don’t know. I just have one.

JIM: All these years, Jerry. All these years you’ve been buying your groceries here. I thought we had something special.

JERRY: We do, Jim. You know I love your store.

JIM: Yet here you stand with a Wal-Mart bag. In my store, Jerry! In my store!

JERRY: Calm down.

JIM: How many times?

JERRY: What?

JIM: How many times have you shopped…(chocking back tears) at Wal-Mart?

JERRY: Oh, come on. Don’t do this. It didn’t mean anything. I swear.

JIM: It means something to me, Jerry.

JERRY: Jim, listen, would you rather I shopped in your store with this bag or shop there with…well you don’t even sell reusable bags.

JIM: I am aware of my shortcomings, Jerry! You don’t have to slap me in the face with it. (beat) Did you like it?

JERRY: I don’t know…

JIM: Come on, tell me, what was it like?

JERRY: Jim, please, don’t do this to yourself.

JIM: I have to know, Jerry! Were their honeydew as juicy as mine? Did they have 97 varieties of apples?

JERRY: No. God no. I didn’t even look at his melons. I swear. You know your produce is the tops.

JIM: Then what? Why did you do it?

JERRY: I was weak…

JIM: Just tell me.

JERRY: I don’t-

JIM: Tell me!

JERRY: There are just so many more options! All right? Is that what you wanted to hear? And they sell giant, family size boxes of cereal.

(Jim gasps and nearly faints.)

JERRY: You only sell the smaller ones.

JIM: I don’t have the shelf space and you know it.

JERRY: I know. I’m sorry. But, sometimes it’s just easier to buy the bigger box.

JIM: You could always buy two smaller boxes.

JERRY: But the bigger box costs less. Look, I’m sorry you had to find out this way. I’ll just get my things and go.

(Jerry begins bagging his groceries. He finishes and heads for the door.)

JIM: Wait.

(Jerry stops and turns. Jim takes a small container of raspberries over to Jerry and puts them in his bag.)

JIM: Just a little something to remember me by.

JERRY: Thank you.

JIM: Do you think you’ll ever come back?

JERRY: Would you have me?

JIM: I guess we’ll have to cross that bridge when we get to it.

JERRY: Yeah. (beat) Yeah.

(Jerry exits. Jim watches him go, the grief washing back over him, he begins to sob and slowly slides down the door to the floor.)



R.A. Porter said...

God no. I didn’t even look at his melons. I swear.

Best line of the day. :)