Friday Sketch War - No Child Left Behind
INT. HIGHSCHOOL CLASSROOM - DAY
Several students are milling about before class, talking to each other, flirting, the class nerd trying to be as invisible as possible....the usual classroom goings-on.
The school bell rings, the classroom door opens, and in walks the teacher, MR. PHILLIPS
MR. PHILLIPS
Everyone settle down, settle down....I know you all have a lot to talk about after spending all summer hanging out together, but it’s learning time now.
The students grumblingly sit down.
MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
Alright.....welcome to your senior year at William Taft highschool. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Mr. Phillips, and I will be your homeroom teacher for first semester. You will meet here first thing every morning, I will go over any announcements, hand out any official paperwork, and send you on your merry way. I will also be the first person you talk to if you have any questions or problems, and I will be the person who proctors the many standardized tests now required by the state throughout the year. Are there any questions?
TIFFANY raises her hand
MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
Yes, Ms. Morelli.
TIFFANY
When can we buy yearbooks?
MR. PHILLIPS
Year books will be available for pre-purchase at the yearbook office after the new year.
Another hand goes up - it’s LEILA’s
MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
Yes, Ms. Gray?
LEILA
What about student tickets for the football games?
MR. PHILLIPS
Student tickets for Taft Golden Wombats’ football games, either for individual games or season tickets, will be available for purchase from your homeroom teacher, in this case myself. This also applies to all other varsity sports throughout the year.
A hand goes up from one of the boys in the back of the class
MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
Yes Mr., uhhhh, Clarkson is it?
CHIP
Yes sir, Chip Clarkson.
MR. PHILLIPS
What’s your question Mr. Clarkson?
CHIP
I wanted choir this fall, but it’s not on my schedule. Can I get that changed?
MR. PHILLIPS
Unfortunately Mr. Clarkson the entire music program has been eliminated due to budget cuts.
The students break out grumbling amongst themselves
MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
We’ve also lost the drama program...
More grumbling
MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
home economics....
More grumbling
MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
...and Field Hockey.
Not a peep
MR. PHILLIPS
The entire national economy is in the crapper right now people, and school budgets are stretched right to the breaking point. State and federal government wants us to focus solely on reading, math and sciences, because the U.S. is behind almost every other industrialized nation in those disciplines. They want regular standardized tests to gauge progress, and our funding will be directly related to how well you kids do on those tests. Low scores on those tests will result in lower funding and more cut programs, possibly even varsity sports.
A grumble goes up from the entire class
MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
Which reminds me....Mr. Williams, are you here today? Tyson Williams?
TYSON, one of the cool kids, athletic, stylish, and obviously a heartbreaker, stands up. He’s wearing a athletic letterman jacket and stylish tousled blonde hair, looking like he just walked off the set of Gossip Girl.
TYSON
Right here, yo!
MR. PHILLIPS
Mr. Williams, you’ve been the captain of the basketball team for the last two years, an all-state wrestling champion, and a star half-back for the Golden Wombats, have you not?
TYSON
You left out rock star and pimp of the nation bro!!!
The class hoots and applauds at TYSON’s brashness. Mr. Phillips looks at Tyson’s record on his desk
MR. PHILLIPS
You barely passed your last two years of algebra, and earned a combined score of less than 500 on your practice SAT’s last year, which means you didn’t even spell you name correctly on the test.
TYSON
What can I say? I’m naturally gifted! GOLDEN WOMBATS RULE!!!
While TYSON is talking, Mr. Phillips rings a little bell sitting on his desk. Two men in dark suits with dark sunglasses rush in through the door. Phillip’s points out Tyson, and the two men run over to him. They taser the boy, then pick him up and rush him out of the classroom. This all happens with the speed and precision of a military special forces operation.
TIFFANY
Oh my God Mr P! Those men just took Tyson!
MR. PHILLIPS
This is just a part of how things are going to be done at William Taft High from now on!
CHIP
What? We’re going to be tasered and kidnapped and never seen again?
MR. PHILLIPS
On the contrary - Mr. Williams is fine. Look...he’s coming back into the classroom right now.
A thin small Indian teen, SANJEET, steps into the doorway, wearing Tyson’s letter jacket, which hangs on him, and wearing a blonde wig similar to Tyson’s hair. SANJEET speaks shyly with a heavy Indian accent He tries to speak hip, but has absolutely no clue how.
MR. PHILLIPS
There you are Mr. Williams. Welcome back. Please take your seat now that you’ve returned from using the restroom.
SANJEET
Thank you Mr. P. What is up my home skillets....I am wicked refreshed now that I my lizard has been successfully drained.
Everyone stares as SANJEET takes TYSON’s seat
TIFFANY
That is NOT Tyson Mr. P.
CHIP
It’s some Indian dude!
MR. PHILLIPS
WRONG!!! This is the NEW Tyson Williams, former athletic wonder, who, thanks to an epiphany about where his low grades would lead him, has returned from Summer vacation an expert in complex mathematics and theoretical physics.
SANJEET
Quarks are my bitches!
MR. PHILLIPS
Now, if we can continue....
TIFFANY
NO!!! THIS IS SO TOTALLY WRONG!!! WHAT’S HAVE YOU DONE WITH TYSON???
MR. PHILLIPS
Ms. Morelli, your reading comprehension scores were embarrassingly low last year, weren’t they?
TIFFANY
DO NOT CHANGE THE SUBJECT MR PHILLIPS! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO TYSON!!!
MR. PHILLIPS rings a little bell sitting on his desk. TIFFANY falls to the floor as if dragged down below her desk where we cannot see her, and the electric crackle of a taser is heard. After a few seconds an Asian girl, YEI, dressed like Tiffany and wearing a wig identical to Tiffany’s hair, sits back up in Tiffany’s chair. YEI speaks with a Chinese accent, and the same awkwardness as SANJEET
YEI
Forgive please, Mr. Phillips. I drop number 2 pencil to floor. Please continue.
MR. PHILLIPS
That’s quite alright Ms. Morelli. I’m sure that someone like you, who, at your age has already completed two entire books analyzing the works of Lord Byron, which may or may not have been written in your native language, must be very attached to her number 2 pencils.
Every student except SANJEET and YEI glance nervously around, afraid to move, but trying to make sure there is no one on the floor around them.
LEILA gingerly and nervously raises her hand.
MR. PHILLIPS
Yes, Ms. Gray?
LEILA
Mr. P....I’m not saying that something just happened, in fact I’m sure absolutely nothing just happened, and I defintiely didn’t see anything just happen, and I’d swear to that on a stack of bibles even though my parents have raised me Budhist...but IF something just happened, which it didn’t, why would it have just happened?
MR. PHILLIPS
That is a well thought out question Ms. Gray. As I said before, educational funding, which includes my salary and tenure possibilities, is now being determined solely by student scores on standardized tests. A teacher may be fired, have their salary reduced, or be denied tenure simply if their students score too low on those aforementioned tests, whether or not it is the fault of the teacher, the failure of apathetic parents to properly motivate their children, or whether the children in question are simply morons. A teacher will ultimately pay the price for the failure of his or her students, even if the teacher in question was once a member of U.S. Military special forces who still has close friends in covert operations. Does that answer your question Ms. Gray?
LEILA
(scared out of her mind and almost stuttering)
Y...y...y.....yes, Mr. Phillips.
MR. PHILLIPS
I think it’s a great shame that there are so many bright ambitious students in poorer countries around the world, who would give anything for the quality education American students take for granted, and that those same foreign students are being denied that opportunity while American students take it for granted and waste it. I wish I could find a way to address that injustice, to provide those motivated hard-working foreign students with a solid education, don’t you Ms. Gray.
LEILA
(still scared out of her mind)
Y...y...y.....yes I do , Mr. Phillips.
MR. PHILLIPS
In fact, I very confident that the students in this classroom who have, shall we say, discovered a new dedication to their education, are smart and driven enough to earn merit scholarships from some of the best universities in the world. And I feel certain that the rest of you will be motivated to work harder simply by their example, won’t you class?
No one says a word. MR. PHILLIPS snaps his fingers and the two men in dark suits step inside the doorway, looking ominous.
MR. PHILLIPS
I SAID ‘WON’T WE CLASS’???
THE ENTIRE CLASS
(in unison)
YES MR. PHILLIPS
MR. PHILLIPS waves the two goons off....they Leave
MR. PHILLIPS
Any other questions before we proceed?
CHIP carefully raises his hand
MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
Mr. Clarkson....what is your question?
CHIP
(extremely nervous)
Mr. Phillips....sir....with all due respect....we live in the in a country where kidnapping and torture of citizens is illegal and a complete violation of our the Constitution. The United States was founded on principals that directly refute such police state tactics.
MR. PHILLIPS stares at CHIP, then slowly raises his little bell to eye level. MR PHILLIPS rings his bell again. The students on either side of CHIP slide down out of view, and tasering can be heard. Two new students of obvious foreign descent, wearing clothing and wigs that vaguely resembles that of the students they just replaced, pop up as if nothing had happened.
MR. PHILLIPS
Mr. Clarkson, your test scores have been exemplary, so I will tolerate your outburst. However, students with borderline test scores will be placed in seats around you at all times. Should you feel the need to deliver a civics speech, those students will suffer to the consequences of your actions and your arrogance. Are we clear Mr. Clarkson?
CHIP
Crystal, sir. Thank you sir.
CHIP sits back down gingerly and quietly. LEILA carefully and slowly raises her hand.
MR. PHILLIPS
Another question already Ms. Gray?
MR. PHILLIPS picks up the bell and holds it for LEILA to see, but doesn’t ring it.
LEILA
Sir...ummmm...won’t the parents of the students who have, umm, altered their appearance slightly here today, notice that they look different?
MR. PHILLIPS
You’re teenagers Ms. Gray - your parents never see you anyway.
PRINCIPAL WATERS stands in the doorway and knocks on the frame
MR. PHILLIPS
Ah, Principal Waters, please come on in. We were just discussing the standardized test process for this year.
PRINCIPAL WATERS
That’s exactly what I came by to discuss. As I understand it, you had several students in your classes last year who scored lower than desired on their state-mandated tests, is that correct.
MR. PHILLIPS
Unfortunately it is Principal Waters. However, we were just discussing how everyone in this room has re-dedicated themselves to good study habits and....
The taser noise is heard again, and MR. PHILLIPS collapses to the floor disappearing behind his desk. A middle eastern man, GABRIEL, stands up wearing the same sweater as MR. PHILLIPS
PRINCIPAL WATERS
By the way kids, Mr. Phillips spent the summer in an Israeali kibbutz, where he picked up a slight accent, but earned two PHd’s in 18th century English literature and quantum physics. He also got a quite a tan, but we all agree he bears absolutely no resemblance to any Mossad agent who might be hiding out int the United States, don’t we??
PRINCIPAL WATERS grabs the bell and holds it up threateningly for all to see
THE ENTIRE CLASS
Yes Principal Waters!
PRINCIPAL WATERS
Excellent, children! Have a wonderful school year Mr. Phillips!
GABRIEL
Go Wombats!
Fade out
4 comments:
Ken, that was an excellent way to make your entrance to the battlefield! Now I'm afraid what will happen if my sketches aren't funny enough.
Since you're the new guy, you get honors. Go ahead and pick a topic/theme for next week's sketches.
Welcome to the fray, Ken! Nice work.
Thanks guys! And thanks for letting me join the fracas.
Since Richard asked me to pick a theme for next week, and next week is the big Democratic National Convention, let's have our theme be "Gatherings". Sound good?
I like it. Nice and flexible, but timely.
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