Hot Rocks, Cold Bodies

(A morgue. Four bodies are covered with sheets. TONY PRATT, coroner, lifts one of the sheets and speaks into a handheld tape recorder.)

TONY
...and the renal and liver failure, along with the low sodium concentration in the plasma, makes for a textbook case of Legionnaires' disease. In younger victims, this would have been very treatable, but these subjects had elderly, oft-abused bodies, and this outbreak was simply the straw that broke the camel’s back.
(TONY walks to another of the sheets and lifts it.)
Keith Richards lasted the longest, but the severe bouts of vomiting finally drained his body of all hydration, leaving him a dried husk of a man.
(TONY drops the sheet and begins walking across the room.)
And if I may add a personal note, I am saddened by the fact that the band I grew up worshipping, the band I thought would never die, has been felled by something as random as a bacterial infection spread by the air conditioning system of their five-star hotel. Their end does not hold with the hard-living reputa- WHOOP
(TONY has slipped on something. He bends down and examines it.)
What the hell?
(He leans closer.)
That’s disgusting.

(BRENT HERNANDEZ, an assistant coroner, enters. He has tears in his eyes.)

BRENT
Tony, have you seen- WHOOP
(BRENT has slipped too. He looks around him on the floor.)
Oh no. It happened again.

TONY
What happened again?

BRENT
It’s the new intern, sir. She keeps wandering in here, and, well...

TONY
Well what?

BRENT
Have you seen her? She’s fucking hot.

TONY
Brent, if the two of you have been fornicating in the morgue, I’ll see to it that you never work in the industry again.

BRENT
No! Not at all! In fact, she’s a bit of a tease... It’s, uh, it’s why I’m crying.

TONY (indicating the floor)
Then where did this come from?

BRENT
It’s the bodies, sir. I think... I think it’s from the bodies. This happens every time the new intern comes in here.

TONY
Are you serious?

BRENT
She’s really fucking hot.

TONY
Be that as it may, the floor is covered in corpse ejaculate, and I am not going to clean it up. Send the intern in here with a mop.

BRENT
All due respect, sir, that would cause a bit of a vicious cycle.

TONY
Tell her to wear some dowdy clothing!

BRENT
I can’t. She’d take us to court in a sexual discrimination case.

And Now, The Punch Line.

(TONY looks to the camera and rolls his eyes.)

TONY
This is the worst musical predicament we’ve had here since Roberta Flack’s lover went on that soft-song killing spree!!!!!!!!!

The End.