FSW: The Truth About Harry

Quick point of order: Peter is a bastard for coming up with this week's theme, Learning something new about history. May a thousand beetles crawl into his closet and take up residence in his favorite sneaker. The left one, not the right one.

Come back on Saturday for the recap, where I give you links to the (hopefully) better sketches on the theme.

The Truth About Harry

INT. BAR - NIGHT

A dark, quiet hideaway where men go to get drunk. MICHAEL early 40s and reedy, with the wild eyes of a hunted man, and Peter, late 20s and not crazy, sit nursing scotches. A BARTENDER wipes glasses at the other end of the bar.

MICHAEL

Truman was a Freemason.

PETER

What?

MICHAEL

Haberdasher is a code word for Freemason.

PETER

No, haberdasher is a code word for "guy who sells belts and socks."

MICHAEL

C'mon! All the evidence is right in front of you and you just won't see it.

PETER

Enlighten me, oh wise one.

MICHAEL

Yeah, the Illuminati got their start in the Enlightenment, but we don't have to go that far back. (Beat) So what do you think Truman was doing at Yalta while Roosevelt was negotiating with Stalin?

PETER

What do I think Truman was doing at Yalta?

MICHAEL

Yeah.

PETER

I think Truman was asking himself how the hell he ended up in Yalta when he never went to Yalta.

MICHAEL

What do you mean?

PETER

I mean, Roosevelt went to Yalta, not Truman.

MICHAEL

Are you sure? I read somewhere that Truman and Churchill ganged up on Stalin at the conference.

PETER

A, that was Potsdam, after the war. And B, if you thought that, why would you imply he was off doing God-knows-what instead of negotiating the peace?

MICHAEL

Exactly. See, if Truman was at Potsdam, it's not too far to conclude that he was working in the shadows at Yalta, right? Behind the scenes, pulling the strings.

PETER

(To the bartender)

Excuse me, can I get whatever he's drinking?

MICHAEL

I'm serious.

PETER

You think the Vice President of the United States spent a month out of the country, in the middle of a war, and no one knew it?

MICHAEL

See how impossible that sounds? Only the Freemasons could have pulled something like that off.

Peter stares for a second. He opens his mouth to talk...then shakes his head.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)

But he wasn't there for a month, just a few days. The Freemasons smuggled Truman over in their secret submarine--

PETER

--What?

MICHAEL

Their submarine. The Nautilus.

PETER

Like from the book?

MICHAEL

Which book is that?

PETER

Um...20,000 Leagues Under the Ocean? Sea. 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. The Verne.

MICHAEL

I knew you weren't completely ignorant. Right. Jules Verne. He was too proud to let his work go unnoticed.

PETER

You're saying Jules Verne built the Nautilus. A real submarine. And then he wrote about it.

MICHAEL

Yeah, and it got him kicked out.

PETER

(Playing along, now)

I didn't know. So, the Masons kicked him out.

MICHAEL

The Illuminati. It was their sub. They just leased it to the Freemasons. Anyway, they got Truman to Yalta two days ahead of Roosevelt and he and Churchill divvied up Germany. Roosevelt thought he was so tough with his big stick...

Peter winces at this latest bit of stupidity from Michael...

MICHAEL (CONT'D)

...but it was Truman who really talked softly.

PETER

You know that was Teddy not...oh, nevermind.

MICHAEL

Then Howard Hughes flew him back home in the Spruce Goose right before Roosevelt showed up. The rest of the conference was just for show. Same with Potsdam. And once Truman gave Einstein the plans for the A-bomb--

PETER

--What?!?

MICHAEL

Scary, isn't it? The New World Order is coming, man, and you can't stop it.

The bartender comes toward our boys.

BARTENDER

Closing time, gents.

PETER

Okay, I've had my fill for the night, anyway. Michael. Seriously. You need help.

MICHAEL

I know. That's why I keep writing on my blog and mailing out the newsletter. I can't stop them alone.

PETER

(Sad for his friend)

Yeah. That's what I meant. Um, I've gotta go. I'll see you around, okay?

MICHAEL

Sure man. Next time drinks are on me.

Peter exits quickly. Michael downs the rest of his drink and gets up to go.

BARTENDER

Mr. Howard, I'm afraid we can't let you leave.

A hidden door behind the bar slides open and reveals a huge Masonic crest. Two men in monk's habits step out behind two serious looking pistols.

BARTENDER (CONT'D)

You know too much.

BLACKOUT: