FSW: Spiner and Fry Edition (Ken's Entry)

David mentioned that this was a unique challenge, and I definitely agree. Not only were we trying to write for established actors with fairly distinctive styles, but hopefully to create something that could be expanded into a television show.

Gulp!

In some ways, this felt more about writing the world's shortest pilot than a sketch.

I'm sure I'll be kicking more ideas around over the week, because I'd love to come up with stuff that feels a little more modern (along the lines of "The Office", "Extras" or "30 Rock"), but here's my first wild stab:
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INT. BRITISH PUB - NIGHT

ELTON, a stout British man in his mid-fifties sits alone at a quiet table amidst a smattering of other quiet patrons. He wears a tweed jacket with elbow patches an a tartan bowtie. He occasionally sips a beer while reading a classic-looking book through wire-rimmed round glasses. The barkeep dries glasses behind the bar.
Offstage the door to the pub opens. ELTON looks up as GENE speaks to an unseen crowd in an American accent.

GENE (O.S.)

OH YEAH!!! OXFORD LOVES THE GENE-MACHINE BABY!!! AND THE GENE-MACHINE LOVES YOU RIGHT BACK!!! GOOD NIGHT OXFORD!!! STAY CLASSICAL YOU HORNY BASTARDS!!!

ELTON shakes his head and buries his nose back in his book. The door closes, and GENE enters. He is a lanky-sort in his late fifties, with flowing gray hair and the bearing of a bad-boy rock star. He wears a emerald velvet jacket collar turned up, and gold silk scarf. GENE walks over ELTON’s table, spins on his heels, pulls the spare chair out, straddles and sits across from ELTON, staring at him. ELTON ignores GENE for a moment, then speaks.

ELTON

I take it your lecture was well received?

GENE

Un-be-freaking-lieveable!

ELTON

Oh good, another spontaneously invented word.

GENE

Mind blowing Elton. I had no idea I was this good.

ELTON

You rarely miss noticing amazing things about yourself.

GENE

The whole room just wanted me...badly.

ELTON

Shakespearean dissertations have that affect on people.

GENE

I could see people wiggling in their seats!

ELTON

Sexual desire and rapt boredom look so similar.

GENE

Yeah...that confused me at first. But by the end...huh? How do you explain that?

ELTON

Sadly, I missed the ending. I left somewhere between the 60 foot laser animation of Romeo and Juliet freak dancing and your third failed attempt to stage dive.

GENE

I can’t believe you missed the end! It was epic. So I’m wrapping up with my thoughts on “To be or not to be”, right? But, like, not many people know that speech, right?

ELTON

Only ninety-eight or ninety-nine percent of Oxford students could recite it from memory.

GENE

Right! So I want to make sure it sticks with people, because it’s a pretty good speech to know. So I have this stripper pole lowered from the ceiling, and I start doing the speech, ripping off clothes as I do, dancing around the pole like Hamlet is dancing around his destiny.

ELTON

That metaphor is now dead to me.

GENE

I get near the end of the speech, and I’m down to just my pants. I climb up the pole and do one of those lean backwards, upside down things, facing the audience, legs clinched around the top, and I rip the pants off. I say the last line with a ruff collar around each thigh and Shakespeare’s head covering my boys. The crowd’s response was...

ELTON

Uncontrollable vomiting?

GENE

Total stunned silence.

ELTON

My second guess.

GENE

They were so overwhelmed they couldn’t make a sound.

ELTON

You sure they weren’t keeping their jaws clamped shut vis a vis the aforementioned vomiting?

GENE

Jaws were dropped open all over that auditorium.

ELTON

>Not surprising.

GENE

And you...head of the English department. You missed it.

ELTON

Yes...What was I thinking?

GENE rips the book from ELTON’s hands.

GENE

Bleak House? You left MY lecture to sit in a pub and read Bleak House?

ELTON

Careful...that’s a rare edition.

GENE

Oooohhhh...better rush home and read Bleak House one more time. Dickens will release that sequel any day now.

ELTON takes his book back from GENE

ELTON

(shouting)

Well at least I’m versed in the Goddamn material I teach!!!

The whole room goes deathly quiet. ELTON looks around slightly embarrassed, then start speaking to GENE again in a more hushed tone.

ELTON

Look, may I speak frankly?

GENE

You’re British, I doubt it.

ELTON

The Oxford trustees forced me to invite you to be a guest instructor. One of them read an article in People about you...

GENE

I opened for Britney Spears at Yale.

ELTON

They thought you had a new voice, some new insight into Shakespearean literature.

GENE

I was put on this Earth to make Shakespeare sexy.

ELTON

You’re making it repulsive! You’re an arrogant self-absorbed moron who has no insight into the works of William Shakespeare whatsoever, and you hide your astounding stupidity beneath stale rock concert effects and strip-club vulgarity!

GENE

You’re just jealous of my obvious sex appeal.

ELTON

There is nothing appealing about a man nearing sixty hanging upside down from a stripper pole in a thong!

GENE

And ruff collars.

ELTON

Doesn’t improve the overall visual. Now, if this is all you have to offer Oxford, I’m afraid we will have to terminate your stay immediately.

MARJORIE, an attractive woman in her forties walks over. She is also British, and dressed very conservatively.

MARJORIE

Good evening Doctor Lonsberry.

ELTON immediately stands up, all smiles and nerves.

ELTON

Oh, Good Evening Professor Elsbeth. I had no idea you frequented this pub.

MARJORIE

I come here every night. In fact, I’ve seen you in here several times since I told you I loved coming here and reading Dickens.

ELTON

Oh...yes....so you have...and so you did...ah, my mind is such a sieve sometimes Marjorie...ha ha...may I call you Marjorie?

MARJORIE

Am I interrupting something?

ELTON

Not at all...Professor Douglas and I were just discussing his lecture tonight.

MARJORIE

Yes...I saw that...performance. I sat there all the way to the bitter end.

ELTON

Look Marjorie, if I’d had any idea how his presentation would go, believe me I would’ve...

MARJORIE approaches GENE with an intense glare in her eyes.

MARJORIE

Professor Douglas. I refuse to let you leave this pub until you...

Marjorie rips open her blouse

MARJORIE (CONT)

...sign my cleavage.

GENE stands up, pulls a Sharpie out of his jacket, and signs MARJORIE’s chest

MARJORIE (CONT)

Now put Shakespeare’s signature right underneath.

GENE does

MARJORIE

Dear God man, where have you been hiding? Hamlet has never gotten me so hot. I had to have 3 cigarettes after your lecture. I must run to the lavatory, but when I return, I want to see how much of a Rogue and Peasant slave you are, you naughty man.

MARJORIE kisses GENE hard then walks off, flirting with him the whole way. ELTON just watches, stunned. GENE sits down, looking smug.

ELTON

Ummm....soo.

GENE

Yes?

ELTON

I’ve got a Dickens seminar next month. How would you attach mutton chops and a stovepipe hat so that wouldn’t fall off when upside down?

BLACK OUT