Pimp My TV (Michael's Entry)

FADE IN:

We see the familiar green title card that precedes all trailers: “The following preview has been approved…” As it fades to black slow, mournful, piano music plays as the following words appear on the screen:

FROM THE DERANGED MIND OF WES CRAVEN, THE MAN WHO BROUGHT YOU A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET AND SCREAM, COMES A HORRIFYING NEW TALE WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME.

SMASH CUT:

INT. BAR - NIGHT

Thunder and lightning. SAM MALONE stands behind the bar, drying glasses. CARLA TORTELLI, CLIFF CLAVIN, WOODY BOYD and DIANE CHAMBERS sit around the bar. Everyone is looking down, not making eye contact with anyone. DR. FRAISER CRANE is up, pacing around.

DIANE

I still think this is a matter best left for the proper authorities.

SAM

Fraiser, would you quit pacing, you’re making me nervous.

FRAISER

I think better on my feet, Sam. Besides, I believe the answer is simple. Ockham’s Razor.

WOODY

Three of our friends are dead, Dr. Crane. I really don’t think this is the right time to talk about shaving habits.

DIANE

He’s talking about a principle of logic, Woody, not a drug store purchase. It means that the simplest explanation is usually the correct one.

FRAISER

Think of it like the plot of an Agatha Christie novel, if you like. We were all here when the killings happened, thus one of us must be the killer.

WOODY

Agatha Christie? Is she the one who played the Police Woman?

CLIFF

You’re thinkin’ of Angie Dickenson.

SAM

Now just a second, Fraiser. Why would any one of us want to kill Paul or Alan or Pete?

CARLA

I don’t know about you, Sammy, but I’m not going to let Dr. Strange-goober accuse me of murdering anyone. If it was Diane, maybe, but these guys?

WOODY

But how do you explain the eerie voice that whispered each of their names just before they turned up dead?

FRAISER

You know, maybe the killer isn’t here. There is one member of this band of merry men whose stool is empty tonight.

The front door slams open! Lightning flashes. Everyone screams. Then -

EVERYONE

NORM!

DIANE

Norman.

WOODY

Hey, Mr. Peterson, what were you doing between the hours of five and five-thirty this evening?

NORM

The usual. Counting down the seconds to sweet, sweet relief. Four, three, two -

Sam slides a mug of beer down the bar, which Norm catches and takes a long drink from.

NORM

Much better.

CLIFF

Eh, excuse me, Doc. But, eh, there’s an even simpler explanation, if I may, eh, theorize.

CARLA

Great, now Professor Van Dummkopf is going to play detective.

CLIFF

Eh, hear me out there, Carla. It’s a well known fact that before the arrival of the white man, this area was mainly home to the Pocumtuck and Nipmuck Indians. But what most people don’t know is that these tribes were, eh, well known practitioners of the dark arts. Voodoo an’ the like. And that this bar was built on one of their most sacred burial grounds.

FRAISER

Cliff, surely you’re not suggesting…

CLIFF

Surely I am, Doc.

SAM

What? What’s he suggesting?

Fraiser looks at everyone.

FRAISER

My God. It’s the bar.

More thunder and lightning. The lights flicker. Everyone gasps.

EERIE WHISPERED VOICE

I know your name.

BLACKOUT

TITLE CARD: WES CRAVEN'S CHEERS - THE RECKONING COMING THIS FALL

SOMETIMES THE TROUBLES AREN’T ALL THE SAME