Friday Funnys: Sketch Edition

I've been trying to exhibit a little more discipline with my writing. So, to keep the muscles churning and to take a break between more serious projects, I try to write a sketch or two. Here's an example.


Bad Credit Baby


(Tom and Debbie enter their house. Immediately Dan and Dawn and Ben and Betty jump up from behind furniture.)

ALL
Surprise!

TOM
What the hell?

DEBBIE
Dawn, Betty, what are you guys doing here?

DAWN
We wanted to be here when you brought the baby home.

BETTY
We wanted to be the first to meet the little guy.

DAN
So where is he?

BEN
Don’t tell me you guys forgot him in the car already?

DEBBIE
Why don’t you tell them, Tom.

DAWN
Oh no, is something wrong with him?

TOM
No, he’s fine. The hospital wouldn’t let us bring him home is all.

DEBBIE
Tell them why dear.

TOM
Do we have to do this now?

DEBBIE
They’re going to find out sooner or later.

BETTY
Find out what?

BEN
He’s a retard isn’t he?

DEBBIE
He’s not retarded. He’s perfect. Ten fingers, ten toes, two nostrils, two ears, two eyes.

DAN
So where is he?

TOM
Our credit check came back with some glitches.

DEBBIE
“Our” credit check? It was your goddamn student loans that did this. I told you just to pay them.

DAWN
What are you going to do?

TOM
They want $250,000 in cash before they’ll release him. What can we do?

(Chester Appleway stands up from behind the couch and speaks directly to the audience. He is dressed in a polyester suit with a bad hair piece.)

CHESTER
How many times has this happened to you? Has your bad credit history caused you to forfeit your children so they could be sold by the hospital to pay for your bill? Well worry no longer. I’m Chester Appleway and I’m here to help.

TOM
Who’s this?

DEBBIE
Did you guys invite him?

DAN
I’ve never seen him before.

CHESTER
For three easy payments of $59.95 I can restore your credit history.

DEBBIE
You guys let a salesman into our house?

DAN
He must have slipped in when we were bringing in the cake.

DEBBIE
Where’s the repellant?

TOM
There’s some under the sink

(Tom exits into the kitchen.)

CHESTER
Act now and I’ll send you, free of charge, this brand new waffle iron.

(Tom re-enters.)

TOM
Damn it, we’re out!

DEBBIE
Well we have to get rid of him. What can we do?

(Bradley Wiffler stands up from behind the chair. He wears coveralls over a white shirt and tie. He wears a button that reads “Ask me how to kill things.”)

BRADLEY
How many times has this happened to you? You have a pesky salesman in your home, but you’re fresh out of repellant. Well, my friends, your worries are over. My name is Bradley Wiffler and I’m here to help.

DEBBIE
Jesus, another one!

DAWN
You’ve got an infestation.

TOM
Are you sure none of you guys let them in?

(Silence. They all look at Ben.)

TOM
Ben. Are you sure none of you guys let them in? Ben? Hello, Earth to Ben.

BEN
Sorry guys I forgot my line.

(They all moan and shake their heads. Dirk Wrightwood, the director enters with a clipboad and wearing a headset.)

DIRK
Cut!

BEN
I’m sorry everyone. I blanked.

DEBBIE
Well, if you weren’t snorting so much fucking coke, maybe you could remember your fucking lines.

BEN
Blow me, Debbie! Oh wait, that’s how you got this job to start with.

DEBBIE
Fuck you!

BEN
Fuck yourself.

DIRK
People, people, people, people, people, settle down. Let’s get everyone back to their starting positions. We’re gonna take it from Tom and Debbie’s entrance. Debbie, honey, let’s see some emotions, huh? You’ve just come back from the hospital without your baby. For fuck’s sake, you’ve been carrying this thing around for nine months and now they won’t let you keep it? Show me some grief, babe.

DEBBIE
Dirk, I’m trying, but I have nothing to draw from. What can I do?

(Miranda Queezland stands up from behind the couch. She wears black pants, a black turtleneck and a black beret. She has a red scarf tossed carelessly around her neck.)

MIRANDA
How many times has this happened to you? You’re in the middle of an emotional scene but you’re completely drained. You have nothing to draw from. Well fret no more because Miranda Queezland is here to help.

DIRK
And can someone get an exterminator in here or something? Seriously! These things are everywhere.

BLACKOUT