Friday Sketch War

Full Disclosure: I've been dealing with some family issues and haven't had much of a chance to write this week. I wrote this sketch for a class I took a while back. Though I have made some changes to it. I hope to have something brand, spanking new for next week's skirmish.

Update: Richard's arrived on the field and run the ol' nickleback defense. Nicely done.

(A shopping mall. Melody and Ernie enter. )

MELODY: Just wait here, I want to see if they have any blue ones.

(Melody exits and Simon Peter enters and approaches Ernie.)

SIMON PETER: Buying a new cell phone?

ERNIE: My wife is just looking at covers for hers.

SIMON PETER: You can make the outside look as beautiful as you want, but if the inside isn’t beautiful what’s the point?

ERNIE: Excuse me?

SIMON PETER: Have you accepted the One True Plan as your only calling plan?


ERNIE: We’re pretty happy with our current plan.

SIMON PETER: Pretty happy? That doesn’t sound very convincing. Have you given much though to Eternal Minutes?

ERNIE: Eternal minutes?

SIMON PETER: Does your plan offer that?

ERNIE: No plan can give you eternal minutes.

SIMON PETER: The One True Plan can. Brother, just give me a few minutes of your time and I’ll show you the way to everlasting battery life.

ERNIE: Well...

SIMON PETER: Would you like to live in a world where you’re free from the burden of roaming fees?

ERNIE: Who wouldn’t.

SIMON PETER: Why should you be punished for making a call just because you’re outside of your calling area?

ERNIE: Right.

SIMON PETER: It feels good to make that call doesn’t it? We all want to do it, but we know that we’re going to pay for it later. The One True Plan says it’s all right to do it. It forgives us for our action even before we’ve done it.

ERNIE: Wow.

SIMON PETER: Wow, indeed, brother.

ERNIE: So what’s the catch?

SIMON PETER: There is no catch. The One True Plan isn’t trying to trick you. Look at the lilies of the field. Do they worry about whether their call is going to be cut off mid-sentence? No. And neither should you. All the Plan asks of you is that you pass on the good news to the world.

ERNIE: I have to work for them?

SIMON PETER: It isn’t work if you love it, Ernie. Besides, you’re going to be so happy with this plan you’ll want to share it with everyone. Tell them how good it feels to call knowing that the One True Plan is there for you. How once you were lost, but now are found.

ERNIE: This all sounds a little too good to be true.

SIMON PETER: Because it is too good to be true. We don’t deserve this plan, but it’s still here for us. Because the Plan knows we need it. This is the Alpha and Omega of calling plans. The first and last plan you’ll ever need.

ERNIE: Well…

(It becomes darker as if clouds are blocking out the sun.)

SIMON PETER: You’re a doubter. I used to be just like you. You’ve made some money, found a woman to settle down with and are looking forward to being a father.

ERNIE: How did you know we’re going to have a baby?

(We hear thunder and see a flash of lightning.)

SIMON PETER: But in a moment it could all change and you’ll be working at the Shoe Barn wondering why your wife left you and why your child looks like the fellow who delivers your Chinese food.

ERNIE: Ty Ping?

SIMON PETER: I know. I‘ve been there. But the One True Plan saved me. Ernie, it wants to save you too. Do you believe?

ERNIE: Yes.

SIMON PETER: Do you have faith in the One True Plan?

ERNIE: Yes!

SIMON PETER: Praise the Plan Brother Ernie!

ERNIE: Praise the Plan!

(Simon Peter pulls out a contract and a pen.)

SIMON PETER: All you have to do is sign right here and One True Plan will fill your heart with love.

ERNIE: Glory be!

(Melody returns. Ernie takes the pen.)

ERNIE :Oh honey, I’m so glad you’re here. (He hugs her) My eyes have been opened to the coming of the Plan.

MELODY: The what?

SIMON PETER: Sign Brother Ernie! Sign!

ERNIE: Sign!


(Melody takes the contract.)

MELODY: Sign what?


(She reads. Then hands the contract back to Simon Peter)


MELODY: We’re happy with our current plan.

ERNIE: But Honey, this is the Alpha and Omega of calling plans.

MELODY: They want us to sign a lifetime contract, Ernie. I can’t leave you alone for five minutes can I? Maybe we’re not ready for kids.

(She starts to walk away. Ernie and Simon Peter share a meaningful look.)

SIMON PETER: Brother Ernie.

ERNIE: Simon Peter.

MELODY: Let’s go!


(Ernie hurried off after her.)

SIMON PETER: Brother Ernie! Why have you forsaken me?!

(A mother pushes her daughter up to the bench in a wheelchair.)

MOTHER: You wait here and I’ll be right back.

(The Mother exits and Simon Peter approaches the little girl and puts his hands on her head.)


SIMON PETER: Arise and walk my child, you are possessed no more!

(The little girl pushes herself out of her chair and falls flat on her face. Simon Peter looks around to make sure no one saw him and disappears into the crowd.)


BLACKOUT