Thursday, September 11, 2008

FSW: Change We Can Believe In

This weeks's topic, selected by Michael, was change. I figured I should go with the season, and go with the political flow. Let's give honors to...Ken for next week. Ken, pick it and put in comments!

If you want to read this the way it really should be formatted, click here for the Scribd version. It's not radically different in appearance, except that the dual dialog is better laid out.

Oh, and yes. This would have to be animated. Assume Hanna-Barbera style.


Change We Can Believe In
INT. STAGE - DAY
(JOHN MCCAIN and SARAH PALIN in front of a green screen. He just can’t get away from them.)

JOHN
People like to bandy the word 'change' around a lot. My opponent--

SARAH
Our opponent.

JOHN
(flinching like a frequently whipped dog)
Yes Sarah. Our opponent wants you to believe change comes from diplomacy, compromise, and hard work. That’s simply not true.

SARAH
That’s right, John. Real change comes from magic rings.

(John and Sarah brandish IDENTICAL RINGS on their upheld fists.)

SARAH (CONT’D)
Magic rings stolen from alien teenagers!

JOHN & SARAH
Wonder Twin powers, activate!

SARAH
Shape of...a Bald Eagle!

JOHN
Form of...a puddle of dirty water! Just like the water on the floor of the cage I spent six years in being tortured daily. When I was a war hero.

(Sarah and John transform into a bald eagle and puddle of
water respectively. Still able to speak, though.)

SARAH
I’m a small-town girl with small-town values. Values like honoring the symbol of our great nation and honoring our great war heroes.

JOHN
Barack Obama called my running mate a pig. Does she look like a pig? No. She’s a majestic eagle.

(Sarah-eagle touches wingtip to John-puddle.)

JOHN & SARAH
Wonder Twin powers, deactivate!

(In a flash, Sarah and John revert to their normal forms.)

SARAH
The big-city elites want to take your guns away.

JOHN
They want to teach your preschoolers about sex.

SARAH
They want to take your pickups and SUVs away.

(Sarah and John touch rings...)

JOHN & SARAH
Wonder Twin powers, activate!

SARAH
Form of...a completely safe and unthreatened polar bear!

JOHN
Shape of...a piece of Arctic glacier, undisturbed by liberal lies about global warming.

(Sarah and John transform again. Sarah-bear stands atop John-ice.)

SARAH
My opponent--

JOHN
(timidly)
--actually, he’s my opponent, Sarah.

SARAH
Right. Our opponent wants you to drive a hybrid. Or walk! He wants you to believe in global warming. Well, I’m from the great state of Alaska and I can tell you, it’s
not getting any warmer!

JOHN
Well, it is getting warmer, Sarah. But the science isn’t conclusive as to whether our actions have anything--

SARAH
--I said it’s not getting warmer, John!

JOHN
Right. Sorry, Sarah.

JOHN & SARAH
Wonder Twin powers, deactivate!

(Sarah-bear and John-ice touch and transform.)

SARAH
Every day I wake up, I have to worry about the threat of Russian invasion. Barack Obama wants to disband the military and send all your children to madrassas. That’s not change we can believe in.
(beat)
This is change we can believe in...

(Sarah and John touch rings again...)

JOHN & SARAH
Wonder Twin powers, activate!

JOHN
Shape of...a bucket of tears. The tears I cried each night after the Vietcong had tortured and beaten me trying to make me turn against America. America, the greatest
country on Earth!

(John transforms into a bucket of tears. It’s magic. Don’t ask.)

SARAH
Form of...a moose!

(Sarah transforms into a moose.)

JOHN
That’s quite a set of antlers you’ve got there, Sarah.

SARAH
What? Oh. Moose! Where’s my gun!

(Sarah-moose runs in circles a few times, finds a tophat, pulls a lion out of it...)

SARAH
Guess I don’t know my own strength.

(Sarah-moose pushes the lion back in and pulls out a rifle and shoots herself!)

JOHN
Sarah! Sarah, are you alright?

(Sarah’s dead.)

JOHN
Oh, great. Now I’m stuck like this.

EXT. PODIUM - DAY
(Bunting and flags everywhere on this cold January day. It’s inauguration day. JOE LIEBERMAN stands behind a dais holding John-bucket-of-tears up to a microphone.)

JOE
John, John!
(calling off stage)
Someone get me a hotplate! The President’s frozen again!

BLACKOUT

7 comments:

sme said...

Is it bad that this bitch is making me hate my own name?

Nice sketch. It's a good thing you posted that cartoon a while ago though, cuz otherwise I wouldn't have gotten it.

R.A. Porter said...

But I'm confused. The Republican party assured me that because Sarah Palin has a vagina, all women would be voting for her.

What's the story here? How can't you love her and her small-town values?

Michael Brownlee said...

Love it. The puddle of mud is my favorite. Too bad we can't just make this guy evaporate. But, hey, at least I can relate to Palin now. I didn't know that much about the Bush Doctrine either.

R.A. Porter said...

The Bush Doctrine's easy. It's like the Monroe Doctrine, where you replace the word "hemisphere" with "world" and where you replace the notion of stopping the interference of others with actively interfering.

Ken Robertson said...

Sarah Palin is planning on redoing Regan's famous "Tear dwon this wall speech" to establish her own doctine, but instead of "mr. Gorbachev" she'll say "Mr. Putin", and instead of "wall" she's going to say "Bering Straight". That'll teach them ex-commies to leave a small natural water division seperating Russians from freedom.

After that, she's going to address illegal Asian immigration issues.

2old4this said...

OK, OK, funny sketch!

Neat touch with the power rings.

I dare say nothing else, lest I be ripped to shreds by the gentle, sweet, lovable folks posting here.

R.A. Porter said...

I promise not to point fingers and scream "Republican! Republican!"