Friday, September 26, 2008

FSW: Morton's Executive Search

Okay. This week's topic is job hunting. Nice and straightforward in honor of my upcoming job switch. And *clearly* we can avoid politics tonight.Michael's got the call for next week, so don't forget to read his submission when he posts it to find out what next week's topic is. And of course, because his and Ken's will be funny as hell.If you want to play along with us, email a link to your entry to sketchwar at dreamloom.com.Morton's Executive Search

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

JANET, 30s slender and no-nonsense, enters and strides to the head of the table. She joins GARETH, 40s and tweedy, and EMILY, 20s and achingly hip.

JANET

Sorry I'm late. Dick's sister and kids are visiting. The baby cried half the night. What's on the agenda today?

GARETH

First up is a new position. I got the call right before coming in here. G.O. is in the market for a new CEO. This could be really big for us.

JANET

You're not kidding. Commission on that could run high six figures. Who've we got in the stable?

EMILY

(Shuffles a few files and reads from the first)

We've got a Columbia grad, Harvard Law, former state legislator and a few years in the Senate. He's really good in front of crowds. He'd be great calming the stockholders.

JANET

(Aghast)

You're kidding me, right? This isn't your local coffee house looking for a part-time manager for Poetry Slam Saturdays. This is one of the biggest companies in the world. Who else have we got.

Emily is chastened. Gareth grabs a file from her stack and reads.

GARETH

Alright. Someone a bit older and more seasoned. We've got an Annapolis grad, four-term Senator--

JANET

--Please! Again, let me remind you people. We're hiring for a Cee Eee Oh! Give me someone with some executive experience.

EMILY

Okay, I've got one. Two-term mayor of a small town, governor--

JANET

--Alright. Is that all you've got? Come on. G.O., people. G.O. is synonymous with high tech. They started Silicon Valley in their garage. Emily. When I say G.O., what do you think of?

EMILY

Well, I guess big-ticket high tech.

JANET

Exactly. And we need a CEO who under--

GARETH

--We don't.

JANET

We don't what?

GARETH

They told me they're looking to change. They want to get out of the large-margin business and move into consumer electronics. More sales through Wal-Mart than to Wal-Mart.

JANET

So they're looking for someone to get them out of selling to big business and into the bargain bins. I've got the perfect candidate. Checks off all the boxes. She'll swoop in - and earn us a pretty signing commission - change the corporate culture, and be out the door in five years with millions. Gareth, put together the standard golden chute package.

(Beat)

Alright, what's up next?

EMILY

Huh. Interestingly enough, I've got a coffee shop looking for a part-time manager.

JANET

Alright Mr. Harvard Law, that's you. What else?

GARETH

Kruger Industrial Smoothing needs a new senior sales rep. But I think I've got that one covered.

EMILY

The Lions have an opening for a GM. I think I've got a guy for that. He's got experience, and we can bring in him for high dollars; he's making a lot at his current job.

JANET

Is he going to be interested in moving on?

EMILY

He's got strong ties to the Detroit area, and apparently is in quite a rush to get out of New York. He's something of a

(air quotes)

"bad boy", but they love him in Motor City.

JANET

And he knows football?

EMILY

Not exactly, but he knows sports. And he's used to the pressure of being a GM.

GARETH

We should move quickly on this. Before--

JANET

--Before Detroit knows what hit 'em.

BLACKOUT

2 comments:

Ken Robertson said...

The Raiders are looking for a coach....someone who won't talk back to an insane old geezer, and who's willing to take the blame for everything. Got Ollie North's number?

R.A. Porter said...

Damn! I left it in my old Rolodex. Let me see if I've got it on my cell phone...