Friday, September 5, 2008

FSW: Funeral Edition

"Funeral" was Richard's theme and he's already up and running with a clever sketch.

Nothing from Ken yet, so we'll have to wait and see what he comes up with.

Dave still has that just washed glow so I'm not sure if he's joining us this week or not.

As for next week's theme, since it's a word I haven't heard enough the last couple of weeks, let's go with Change.

I'll Be Back

(A funeral home. Everyone is dressed in black. A closed casket sits at the center of the aisle. Julia stands and addresses the crowd.)

JULIA: Friends. Family. People who just showed up for the free food. It’s so good to see you all here today. I’m sure Henry is looking down on all of us and smiling. Smiling because so many of his friends have come to pay their respects. Smiling because he died doing what he loves, helping little, old ladies cross the street. Smiling, because he died owing large sums of money to all of you. If you’ve come looking to collect I’m afraid I have bad news. We don’t even have the funds to give him a proper burial. And the suggestion that we hack his corpse into tiny pieces and let dogs eat then shit him out, while colorful, isn't really in keeping with the spirit of the day.

(A number of people rise, grumbling and exit the room.)

Julia: We're here to remember the kindness and love that he shared with us.

Steve: He borrowed my books and never returned them.

Kate: He told me I had a fat ass.

Greg: He always ate my lunch whenever I brought it to work.

Voice From the Back of the Room: Come on. We can do better than that can’t we?

Julia: Henry? Is that you?

(Henry stands in the back. Everyone gasps.)

Julia: You're alive!

Greg: I knew it was too good to be true.

Henry: No, no, I’m dead. I just wanted to come back and check out my funeral. It's not going as well as I had hoped.

Julia: Well, it appears that you weren't the best guy to know.

Henry: Me? Come on. We all have quirks that we're ashamed of.

(Looking at those gathered. He points to a woman in the front row.)

Henry: Like Jenny here. She steals money from her senile grandmother. Or Max over there. I took his pedophilia secret to the grave with me. And Jeremy.

(He looks around the room.)

Henry: Where's Jeremy?

(A hand raises toward the back corner.)

Henry: Jeremy here is the one that pushed me in front of that train.

(A gasp from the crowd.)

Henry: Right, huh? That's shittier than eating someone's peanut butter sandwich every day. Right?

Greg: Well...

Henry: But don't worry, Jeremy. I didn't come back to haunt you. I came back to forgive you.

Jeremy: Uh...Thanks.

Henry: That and I wanted to deliver the good news myself.

Jeremy: Good news?

Henry: I'm going to be reincarnated as your son!

(Henry hugs Jeremy.)

Jeremy: That's going to be tough seeing as I don't have a girlfriend I have no plans to settle down.

Henry: I know, right. But that high school girl you’ve been diddling is about to call you and tell you she missed her period.

Jeremy: But we always use a...

(Jeremy’s cell phone rings)

Jeremy: (Into phone) Hello?....Hey, babe, can I call you right...What?...Aw shit!...Are you sure?...

Julia: You get to choose who you want to come back as?

Henry: Only in certain cases. I wasn’t supposed to die for another forty-seven years, so since I got short changed with that life, I get to pick how I want my next life to go.

Julia: The whole thing?

Henry: Pretty much. It’s going to be rough for a while. Being the child of a high school senior is never easy. But it helps build character. Besides, my grandparents are loaded. And I grow up to be the most powerful man in the world.

Julia: You’re going to be The President of the United States?

Henry: No. CEO of ExxonMobile.

Jeremy: (Hangs up the phone) Well, smart guy. Stephanie and I are going to meet to discuss our options.

Henry: What options are those? Dad.

Jeremy: Well, I think the only smart thing to do is abort you.

Henry: (Gasps) You’d kill me twice?

Jeremy: What’s to kill. You’re a zygote at this point. A teeny-tiny blob of jelly.

Henry: Haven't you heard? Life begins at the moment of conception. What about the soul?

Jeremy: Well, the way I look at it. If you’re supposed to be the baby, but you’re still here, then that means there isn’t a soul to worry about.

Henry: You’re an evil, liberal bastard.

Jeremy: Evil? You’re the one that decided to seek revenge by planting yourself in Stephanie’s uterine wall.

Henry: You haven’t seen the last of me. There's still time to come back as a mountain lion or a crocodile or grizzly bear. You better be careful where you vacation because you never know where I'll be lurking.

Jeremy: Yeah, but with the increase in global warming and more and more park land used for drilling and mining, most of the top food chain predators will be extinct soon.

Henry: Yeah, well, you better hope I don't come back as a...a...spider or something. I'll lay eggs up your nose and then you'll be sorry.

Jeremy: I'll keep plenty of Raid handy just in case.

Henry: Balls!

(Henry storms off.)

Julia: Are you really going to talk her into having an abortion?

Jeremy: Why not? Neither one of us wants to be a parent. Besides, she’d be six months pregnant when cheerleading try-outs roll around. Some things are just more important.

Julia: True.



R.A. Porter said...

Kudos, sir! A very good thing I was not drinking milk as it would have *streamed* out my nose!

Ken Robertson said...

Nice! I just hate it when you show up to a funeral to badmouth the deceased, and the spirit of the deceased shows up and outs you instead!

BTW - Sarah Palin has banned your sketch in Alaska for it's pro-choice elitist anti-american message. She's also polishing up her Moose gun in case of spider eggs. :)

Mattly said...

Abortion is the new black.