All I Want is a Relaxing Dinner with Limp Bizkit

(A restaurant. A MAÎTRE D’ answers the phone. It’s FRED DURST.)

MAÎTRE D’
Good afternoon, Kyle’s on Seventh.

FRED
Yes, I’d like to make a reservation for tonight.

MAÎTRE D’
Certainly, sir. How many will be dining?

FRED
Four.

MAÎTRE D’
And your name please?

FRED
Durst.

MAÎTRE D’
“Durst”?

FRED
Yes.

MAÎTRE D’
I’m sorry, is that “Durst” or “Burst”?

FRED
Durst.

(The MAÎTRE D’ is about to write it down, but second-guesses himself.)

MAÎTRE D’
Sorry, is that “Durst” with a “D” or “Burst” with a “B”?

FRED
Durst with a D.

(The MAÎTRE D’ pauses.)

MAÎTRE D’
I’m sorry sir, is that “D” as in “duck,” or “B” as in “buck”?

FRED
“D” as in “duck.”

(The MAÎTRE D’ winces.)

MAÎTRE D’
I’m sorry. Is that “duck” as in “I went hunting and shot a duck,” or “buck” as in “I went hunting and shot a buck”?

FRED
“I went hunting and shot a duck.”

(The MAÎTRE D’ is about to write the name down, but stops himself.)

MAÎTRE D’
Um. Was that “I went hunting and shot a duck as it paddled in the pond,” or “I went hunting and shot a buck as it gamboled through the woods”?

DURST (irritable)
I went hunting and shot a duck as it paddled in the pond.

MAÎTRE D’
Thank you, Mr. Durst. Sorry about that.

FRED
It’s fine.

MAÎTRE D’
May I have your first name?

FRED
It’s Fred.

(The MAÎTRE D’ is about to write it down, but stops himself.)

MAÎTRE D’
I’m sorry, was that “Fred” or “Red”?