Friday, June 13, 2008

FSW: The Three Bees

Okay, this one's an odd egg. There are several jokes buried in here, but they're targeted to specific audiences. I figure you either don't get this at all, get pieces, or get everything. This might be my most layered piece yet. Now, whether it's funny or not...

David has already posted his piece for the week, an excellent one at that. He completely nailed his character's voice. Michael's on his honeymoon, so if a sketch shows up I'm going to be a bit concerned about the marriage! As for Red, she's going to be out of the game for the next month or so as she lives the exciting life of a WSOP dealer. Poker, free drinks, and a salary. Not a bad gig.

As always, we welcome - nay, beg - others to join in the sketch war games. Just email your piece or a link to your piece to sketchwar_at_dreamloom.com.


The Three Bees
(Jim lies on a couch. He wears shirt and tie, stylishly loose. His hair is a mop that says "I don't care how it looks" but in reality takes thirty minutes and much product to achieve. Seated in a chair behind him taking notes is Dr. Josefs, a 50-something man in a cardigan. A very traditional Freudian.)

DR. JOSEFS
How are you today, Jim?

JIM
Okay. A little anxious...I had that dream again last night.

DR. JOSEFS
Tell me about it.

JIM
I've told you about it before. It's the same, every time. Nothing ever changes.

DR. JOSEFS
I know, but this is a process. Talk it through. Tell me about the dream.

JIM
Okay. (Deep sigh)

(As Jim starts to speak, the lights go down on the doctor's office and come up on the scene he's describing.)

I'm sitting at a table in an old-style nightclub. It's late, maybe after hours, and there are only a few people left. This one table is right in front of me. There are two men - one in a white dinner jacket and dress shirt with his bow tie undone, the other has his jacket and tie completely off and draped over the chair. Oh, the guy with the jacket, he's got a button on the lapel. A yellow smiley face button.

DR. JOSEFS
What are the men doing?

JIM
They're talking to each other and laughing, but I can't hear them. All I hear is the sounds of tables being bussed.

DR. JOSEFS
Do you recognize these men?

JIM
Same two as always. The one with his jacket still on is a musician I saw perform once. McCreary, something. The other one is that guy who hosts "Man vs. Wild". That Bear Grylls guy. He starts gesturing pretty wildly, pointing and waving his hands for emphasis. The McCreary guy just shakes his head no during the rant.

(The men in the dream freeze and the lights dim to half-power. Then they come back up on the therapist's office.)

DR. JOSEFS
And you can't tell what they're talking about?

JIM
Nope. I try. Everytime I have the dream I try to hear them, or read their lips or something. Doc, it's happening more often. I've had it three times this week alone. I wake up sweating and shaking. What is it?

DR. JOSEFS
I don't know. But we'll figure it out. What else happens?

JIM
I've told you! I've told you at least ten times already. I've been having this dream for months!

DR. JOSEFS
I know, Jim. But we're getting close to a breakthrough, I'm sure of it. What happens next?

(Jim settles down and breathes deeply to calm himself. The lights go down again and they come up on the club scene. The men unfreeze.)

JIM
They finish their argument and then a carhop comes to the table with a tray.

DR. JOSEFS
A carhop?

JIM
One of those girls on rollerskates they used to have at drive-in burger places. She doesn't have on much, but it all sparkles. It's like she got in a fight with a Bedazzler and lost.

DR. JOSEFS
What's on the tray?

JIM
Two bowls and a big jar.

DR. JOSEFS
A jar?

JIM
Yeah. The bowls are empty. She puts them in front of the guys and then opens the jar and pours it into the bowls. It's thick and red. Looks like blood.

DR. JOSEFS
Do the men eat it?

JIM
Yeah. Like they're starving. She rolls away and they're already bent over the bowls. They're ravenous. After a minute, they put down the spoons. They just pick up the bowls and drink, gulping down the soup. The one guy, McCreary, he spills a little on his shirt. Gets some on his smiley button, too. Then they turn right to me, both of them staring at me.

DR. JOSEFS
What do you think they want?

JIM
I don't know. I can't tell. Their expressions are blank. The wilderness guy, he raises his arm and points at me, and then I wake up.

(Blackout on the nightclub scene. Lights back up on the therapist's office.)

Doc, I can't take it any more. What's it all mean?

(Dr. Josefs looks at his notes, jots a few more down. Doesn't say anything for a few seconds. It feels like an eternity.)

DR. JOSEFS
Jim, how are things at work?

JIM
At work? They're fine. Same as usual.

(Dr. Josefs jots a few more notes. From the darkness where the nightclub sits a man walks out. It's Edward James Olmos, wearing a tuxedo. He walks right up to the couch while Dr. Josefs scribbles, not noticing.)

OLMOS
Your table is ready, sir.

(Smash cut to the same exact scene, but Olmos is gone. Jim opens his eyes with a start and gasps.)

DR. JOSEFS
Jim?

JIM
I saw him. He was right here.

DR. JOSEFS
Saw who?

JIM
The maitre'd. But it wasn't...it was that guy from "Miami Vice".

DR. JOSEFS
Don Johnson? Don Johnson was the maitre'd?

JIM
No. Not him.

DR. JOSEFS
Tubbs? You dreamt about Tubbs? This is more serious than I realized. We'll need to--

JIM
--no. Not him either. The lieutenant. What was his name?

(Dr. Josefs scratches a few peremptory notes and puts down his pen.)

DR. JOSEFS
Jim, I think I understand what's been bothering you--

JIM
--What is it, doc?--

DR. JOSEFS
--but, we're out of time today.

(Dr. Josefs presses a button on his intercom and speaks into it.)

Mary? Could you please schedule another appointment for Mr. Halpert. Sometime in 2009 would be fine.

BLACKOUT

2 comments:

NotNits said...

I figure you either don't get this at all, get pieces, or get everything.

Wow. Count me among the first group. I am flummoxed. I'm sure it's good though!

And thanks for the propers on mine. I'd love to find a good Olbermann impersonator and film it.

R.A. Porter said...

Yeah. I overreached. So far in fact, I decided to publish an answer key.