FSW: Tricks, Lots of Tricks

Er, uh. Ken came up with this week's topic when our readers failed to offer up even one suggestion. But you know what? I'm going to try again. So if you read the sketches but aren't going to compete, comment here, or on one of the competitor blogs, with your idea for what the theme should be. I'll pick my favorite and we'll run with that. If we get no suggestions (or if we fear the suggestions we get) the honors will fall to me this time. And if you want to compete, email a link to your sketch to sketchwar at dreamloom.com.

This week I had a lot of trouble. Couldn't come up with a thing. Until tonight. So I'm cutting it under the wire, and I wish I could give this a polish, but I actually think it's a pretty cute one. Though again I'm writing kids. Not sure what that's about. Anyway, hope y'all enjoy. And please, please, please: comment. And pass links along to your friends, countrymen, social networking sites, Roman bath house buddies, whatever.

Tricks, Lots of Tricks

EXT. SIDEWALK - DUSK

Four KIDS, 8-10 years old and in costume, gather under the darkening sky. By costume, there are SPIDERMAN, GHOST, BALLERINA, DINOSAUR.

SPIDERMAN

What did you get?

GHOST

Two Obama-Biden bumper stickers and this paper.

(Beat)

'Tortious Acts as a Basis for Jurisdiction in Products Liability Cases: A Completely Original Look'

DINOSAUR

Which house?

GHOST

The one with the guy dressed up like a Ken doll. Fake hair, face all plastic-y.

BALLERINA

He always looks like that. My mom says some people need to let nature take its course.

DINOSAUR

I got a butterscotch from that old guy who sits in his rocking chair on his porch all the time.

GHOST

Oh, the blue house.

DINOSAUR

No, I tried there but the lights were off.

GHOST

The red house?

DINOSAUR

Off.

GHOST

Then--

DINOSAUR

--He was in the yellow house.

BALLERINA

The one with the pretty red door. I like that house.

DINOSAUR

No, the other yellow house. I think he was running from house to house trying to hide, but he wasn't too fast. I caught him at the sixth house.

SPIDERMAN

Good. That house on the hill creeps me out.

(Opening sack wide)

Well, my bag's full!

DINOSAUR

No way! That's good stuff, too! Where?

SPIDERMAN

The shack on the corner.

BALLERINA

Who lives there?

SPIDERMAN

That loud lady who's always standing outside the Whole Foods with the clipboard. But I don't know if you guys should go there. My hand's real sore now.

(Beat)

She wouldn't give me any candy unless I signed a whole bunch of cards. She didn't care what name I used, but said if I signed fifty of 'em I could fill my bag up with all the candy I could carry.

BALLERINA

(Showing bag)

I got a bunch, too.

GHOST

That's pretty good Where?

BALLERINA

The house with the basketball hoop out front. But I don't think he's really got any candy.

DINOSAUR

What do you mean?

BALLERINA

I got to the door the same time as Joey Hanson. He had a lot more candy than me. The guy answered the door and said that wasn't fair and made him give me half his candy. Joey ran home crying.

DINOSAUR

Let's go try that house.

The kids walk one house over and up to the door. String lights, multiple pumpkins, and other decorations adorn the yard and porch. Spiderman rings the bell. The doorbell plays Dixie. It opens and a woman dressed as the Bride of Frankenstein - with rimless glasses - answers.

BRIDE

Hey there, you kids! Happy Halloween!

KIDS

Trick or Treat! Give us something good to eat!

BRIDE

Oh, you betcha!

The Bride reaches into a bowl and pulls out four wrapped items, one for each.

BRIDE (CONT'D)

Here you go! Now don't get into any trouble!

The Bride closes the door as the kids skip off the porch. Spiderman checks his bag.

SPIDERMAN

Eww! Homemade moose jerky!

BALLERINA

Hey, isn't that your brother over there?

GHOST

Where?

BALLERINA

(Points to distance)

There.

GHOST

He's not supposed to go over there. He's going to get in trouble. Mom said to stay out of Russia!

BLACKOUT

FSW: Trick or Treat edition

Happy Halloween Everybody!

Let's drop a little sketch into that goody bag shall we? It's sugar free, but I won't gurantee it's razor-blade free. This week's theme was "Trick or Treat" - and since I offered it up, I tried to get as many variations of tricks, treats and trick-or-treating into the sketch as possible. Theme honors go back to Richard for next week (although I'm sure a good theme suggested in comments would get used as well - so fire away).

No word from Michael, David or Richard yet....but then again, Richard is sporting a cool-ass Warner Brothers jack-o-lantern, and all I have is a sketch. Updates posted as more goodies get dropped in the blog-bag.

__________________________________________________________________

EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - NIGHT
The front porch of a nice suburban middle class house is all a glow with jack-o-lanterns, fake skeletons, a cauldron belching dry-ice smoke, etc. The sounds of a party come from inside - music, laughter, and people havign a great time. Three kids about 10 years old and in old-school costumes - a ghost, a witch and a devil - run up on the porch excited. They ring the doorbell, and THOM answers.

KIDS
Trick or treat!!!

THOM
Awwww...look at you guys! You look great! Hold open your bags.

All the kids do

THOM (CONT)
You guys look so great I’m going to give you extra! Two for you, two for you and two for you!

KIDS
Thank you!!!

The kids run off to the next house

THOM
You’re very welcome - Happy Halloween!!!

KIDS (O.S.)
Happy Halloween!

THOM closes the door and goes back inside.

Three adults walk up to the door now, all in long robes. The woman in the middle of the group - IRENE- wears a back satin robe with a white sash around her shoulders. The two on the ends - ZEKE and FLOYD - wear white robes and carry flaming torches.

They step onto the porch and ring the doorbell too. THOM answers.

THOM
Oh...hey it’s Irene, Zeke and Floyd, isn’t it? Wow, you guys are spooky. You must be...

IRENE immediately pulls out a holy water sprinkler and dowses THOM.

IRENE
FOUL DEMON!!! BEGONE!!! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS THEE!!!

ZEKE and FLOYD start chanting

THOM
Ahhh, my eyes!!! Jesus!

IRENE lets him have it with the sprinkler again...more chanting ensues

IRENE
USE NOT THE LORD’S NAME IN VAIN, FOUL BETRAYER OF THE FAITH!!!!

THOM
Stop that would you?

IRENE motions for ZEKE and FLOYD to stop, but she keeps her sprinkler cocked for action. THOM gets the water out of his eyes.

THOM
Man that burns...what’s in that thing?

IRENE
Holy water, garlic extract and Red Bull.

FLOYD AND ZEKE
It giveth the Lord’s work wings!

THOM
What the heck are you doing?

IRENE
We are on a heavenly quest to rid the neighborhood of sinners, and you are a foul betrayer of the Lord!

FLOYD AND ZEKE
(in unison)
FOUL BETRAYER!!!!

IRENE
You celebrate pagan festivals with heathen rituals!

FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL BETRAYER!!!!

IRENE
You lure children to your wicked ways with candy.

FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL BETRAYER!!!

THOM
Annnnnndddddd I didn’t invite you and your brothers to my Halloween party.

FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL BETRAYER!!!

THOM
That’s what this is really about, isn’t it Irene? The fact that I didn’t invite you to my party?

IRENE
No...not at all. We did not want to be invited to your pagan celebration of evil.

FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL CELEBRATION!!!

THOM
Irene, I only know you because you run the doggie day-care.

IRENE
We are just doing the Lord’s work...to purge our neighborhood of evil.

THOM
Look, it’s just a bunch of friends from my law office and some old college buddies. You and your brothers would feel a really out of place.

IRENE sees the cauldron decoration

IRENE
Look...a cauldron. A tool of the witch....yet he is male! HE PROMOTES WITCHCRAFT AND HOMOSEXUALITY!!!

FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL GENDER BETRAYER!!!

More chanting and holy water

THOM
(to IRENE)
You and your brothers take great care of Mr. Barkley, but I don’t really know you at all. I just see you when I drop him off.

IRENE
Summon the rest of the congregation. Tell them to bring torches.

ZEKE and FLOYD pull cell phones out of their robes and start dialing

THOM
No...stop...look, you guys want to come to my party, come on in. There’s plenty of beer....oh, you’re religious so, we have...

ZEKE
Any vodka?

THOM
Grey Goose.

FLOYD
Elitist

THOM
I’ll get whatever vodka you want. Come on....it’ll Be fun. We’ll discuss bible verses, your favorite plague, whatever makes you happy!

IRENE
NO!!! No compromises evil one - the Lord’s justice must be done here. Zeke, Floyd, burn the evil one’s dwelling to the ground ...silence his tongue lest his ravings make us mad!

ZEKE and FLOYD move to set fire to the house. LESLIE (dressed as a sexy angel) and RACHEL (as a sexy devil) come to through the door behind THOM. ZEKE and FLOYD stop in their tracks.

LESLIE
Thom, what’s taking so long? We’re holding up the Twister match for you.

RACHEL
(looking at ZEKE and FLOYD)
What about you two? Wanna play? Twister is better when there’s a whole bunch of people, all tangled together and rubbing against one another. Hehehe!

ZEKE and FLOYD look at each other, then start to walk into THOM’s house. THOM stops them.

THOM
Guys, no torches in the house.

FLOYD and ZEKE look at one another, then the torches, then at the girls. They dump their torches in the cauldron, and go into the house while the torches extinguish with a sizzle.

IRENE watches them go, downtrodden.

THOM
Irene, come on in. We’ll just forget this ever happened.

IRENE
NEVER! I must carry the burden of the Lord’s work myself!

IRENE starts sprinkling the house

IRENE
THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU - FOUL DEMONS OUT!!! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU - FOUL DEMONS OUT!!!

PAT, an extremely butch looking woman in a flannel shirt comes out of the front door.

PAT
Hey Thom, it was really nice of you to invite me to your party, m but I feel awkward around all your law office buddies and college friends. I mean I’m just your mechanic and...

IRENE and PAT lock eyes.

PAT
Nice robes.

IRENE
Thanks. I was performing cleansing rites on this house.

PAT
Thom’s not evil....just shallow. But I know some really evil people over on Green Terrace Drive. Wanna go burn their house down?

IRENE
Love to!

IRENE and PAT talk as they exit

PAT
Is that the Sprinklemaster deluxe Holy Water Sprinkler from Cleanse Co?

IRENE
Yes, and I got the power sprayer attachment for cleansing entire office buildings too.

PAT
Nice

LESLIE shouts from offstage in the house.

LESLIE
Hey Thom! Zeke and Floyd are purifying the Twister mat so we can play naked.

THOM
Coming!!!

BLACK OUT

Friday Night Sketch War: Mad Scientist Edition

Coming a wee bit late with this wrapup, but I held out hope that Mr. Brownlee was going to get a late shot off in the battle by Monday. Alas, the originator of last Friday's excellent theme was too bloodied from his week in the paper cut factory. But we did have a good fight. Three funny sketches were lobbed onto the field, each exploding with mad scientifical goodness.

• Coyote led off with death rays and scallions...
• Ken followed up with an eerie tale of spousal zombification...
• David closed out the battle by showing us the evility of banal.

An extreme dearth of comments from our combined visitors left us scrambling for a theme for this All Hallow's Eve edition of the Sketch War. See, we wanted our three or four fans to pick themes and y'all let us down. I have a good mind to tell *our* mothers to stop paying *your* mothers to come read our sketches! Nah. Who am I kidding: the checks will continue.

Anyway, Ken's selected an appropos theme:
Trick OR Treat: an option; scenes involve a trick, a treat, or both.

If you want to play along, write a sketch and send a link to it to sketchwar at dreamloom.com. Otherwise, come back around on Friday for some ghoulish fun.

Doctor Dennis Peterman

(The Annual Mad Scientist Convention. DOCTOR ATROCITY is standing at a podium. He is accompanied by a drooling alligator/human hybrid in chains, who glares at the assembled audience of mad scientists. DOCTOR ATROCITY reads off note cards.)

DOCTOR ATROCITY
Therefore, you collective of sniveling puppets! Heed well my coming vengeance! Courtesy of my army of leidyosuccubi, you will soon unleash anguished cries you had no idea you were capable of!
(He flips to the next note card.)
The fortunate among you shall die quickly. And make no mistake – none of you shall die quickly! Thank you.

(The assembled SCIENTISTS applaud heartily as DOCTOR ATROCITY leads his creature offstage. DOCTOR GERYON, MPhD enters.)

DOCTOR GERYON
Thank you, Doctor Atrocity. And now the final speaker at the 178th Annual Mad Scientist Convention, Doctor Dennis Peterman.

(DENNIS takes the stage to a smattering of unenthusiastic applause. He carries an easel with a tablecloth draped over it.)

DENNIS
Thank you. It’s good to see so many familiar faces. Um. Hold on.
(He sets up the easel and adjusts the height of the microphone.)
Sorry. Okay. Ahem. In this era of so-called “convenience” meals, when everyone is “on-the-go,” what we need is a utensil that combines the cradling powers of a spoon with the piercing powers of a fork. Gentlemen, I present to you the most recent diabolical abomination from the labs of Doctor Dennis Peterman, the Spork!

(With a flourish, DENNIS pulls the tablecloth off the easel, revealing a highly technical blueprint of a spork. DENNIS gazes triumphantly at his audience. The audience is silent. Pause. Eventually, various SCIENTISTS begin speaking from the crowd.)

DOCTOR MALEFICARUM
Can it be used as a weapon?

(DENNIS is taken aback by the question for a moment.)

DENNIS
If you mean a weapon against inconvenience and waste, then definitely! Ha, ha!
(Silence.)
I suppose, if it were made out of metal. By and large, I envision them being made out of plastic. But even so, I believe a more conventional fork would probably serve your purposes better.

DOKTOR KOBOLD
What if it were made out of Asarium?

DENNIS
I’m sorry, “Asarium”?

DOKTOR KOBOLD
The radioactive mineral. It melts people from the inside. I introduced it at last year’s convention, and you all laughed!

DOCTOR RANTOUL
Oh for Pete’s sake, Doktor Kobold, enough with the Asarium.

DOKTOR KOBOLD
You shall pay for your impertinence!

DENNIS
Gentlemen, please. It’s really only designed for eating. In field tests, it has proved very useful. And that’s that. Thank you.

(A brief smattering of applause as DENNIS gathers his things and exits.)

(CUT TO: an office. DOCTOR GERYON sits behind a desk, talking to DENNIS.)

DOCTOR GERYON
I suppose I’m wondering if you really feel you fit in here, Dennis.

DENNIS
Certainly! I mean, I’ll never be the most popular person in the Guild, but I feel I play my part.

DOCTOR GERYON
It’s just that you don’t seem to exhibit the myopia, the megalomania, the idée fixe that are part and parcel of the mad scientist credo. You’re not angry at the world.

DENNIS
Oh.
(pause)
I thought it was “mad” like “crazy.”

DOCTOR GERYON
Well, no, it is. But besides that, you need to have some kind of grudge against society. Do you have any past slight, real or imagined, that you might fetishize?

DENNIS
No. Well. I hate waiting in line for things. Like, real long lines at the post office.

(DOCTOR GERYON grimaces and sighs.)

DOCTOR GERYON
I’ll give you an example: Doctor Rantoul. Let’s face it, he’s not half the scientist you are. But the guy is relentlessly fixated on the time twenty years ago when a handsome museum curator spilled coffee on a Beelzebufo ampinga fossil he was preparing for a diorama. He has spent the last two decades trying to create an army of carnivorous toads. He has not come close to succeeding, but his obsession carries a lot of weight here.

DENNIS
I don’t have anything like that, no.

DOCTOR GERYON
Do you have a slavish sidekick?

DENNIS
Well, there’s Jeanette.

DOCTOR GERYON
Okay, let’s talk about Jeanette.

DENNIS
She’s a grad student. She’s very competent.

DOCTOR GERYON
But is she a vile wretch, willing to unquestioningly carry out your most dangerous and thankless tasks?

DENNIS
Well no. In fact, I’m going to lose her in the fall; she just got hired at M.I.T.

DOCTOR GERYON
I see.
(He absently takes a marble-sized pellet out of the pocket of his lab coat. He rolls it around in his hand during the following.)
I’m going to suggest that you take a little break. Get some distance from the Guild and clear your mind. Ask yourself if you are willing to take on the extra fury to pursue a career in the mad sciences or if a more conventional route might be more rewarding to you. Okay?

DENNIS
Am I being kicked out?

DOCTOR GERYON
Dennis. When we kick people out of the Guild, they know it. I’m suggesting a hiatus.

DENNIS (glumly)
Okay.

(DOCTOR GERYON stands and offers his hand. DENNIS shakes it.)

DOCTOR GERYON
Thank you for your work. And perhaps I’ll hear from you again in a year?

DENNIS
All right. So long, then.

(DOCTOR GERYON casually flips the pellet to the floor, and it explodes in a burst of smoke. When it clears, he has vanished. DENNIS sits, dejected, for several moments. The door opens and DOCTOR GERYON pokes his head back into the room.)

DOCTOR GERYON
It’s nothing personal, Dennis. I want to stress that. Maybe one day you will snap.

DENNIS
Thank you.

DOCTOR GERYON
Farewell.

(DOCTOR GERYON drops another smoke pellet and vanishes again.)

DENNIS (softly, to himself)
I’ll show them. I’ll show them all.
(He dials his cell phone.)
Hello, Jeanette? It’s Dennis. Oh, it went… Well, it went terribly, if you must know. That is why I have an assignment for you. I would like you to come to the Hyatt and let the air out of every car in the parking lot… No, I’m not kidding. They’ll pay. Every last one of them… I suppose you’re right. Okay. I’ll sleep on it… Thank you, Jeanette. You’re the best.

(DENNIS hangs up and slouches in his chair.)

FSW: Mad Scientist edition

Welcome to.....FRIDAY SKETCH WAR - MAD SCIENTIST EDITION!!!! BWAAAAA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(if you were expecting subtle dignity with a theme like Mad Scientist, you are out of your freakin' mind!!!).

It's been a crazy week, so what better way to polish it off than with a Mad Scientist sketch. No word from Michael or Dave yet, but Richard was up bright and early posting his sketch about having friends for dinner. I'll post updates as more creations rise from the slab.

Richard's also kicked off an excellent idea for getting next weeks theme. If you read the sketches but aren't going to compete, comment on Richard's sketch (or mine) with your idea for what the theme should be. Richard will pick a favorite and we'll run with that. If we get no suggestions (or if we fear the suggestions we get) the honors will fall to yours truly.

UPDATE: Looks like we had a suggestion shortage for this week, so theme duties land in my court....therefore our theme for this week is:

Trick OR Treat
(yup....an option scenes incolve a trick, a treat, or both....have at it gents!)
__________________________________________________________

INT. MAD SCIENTISTS LAB
The lab is dimly lit with pools of light falling into near pitch black. Bottles and test tubes filled with glowing liquids are everywhere, Bunsen burners burn, devices that emit loud bright sparks burn and pop, vapors seem to spew from everywhere. DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN, who has a bushy wild mess of white hair and wears a lab coat, long oversized black rubber gloves, and goggles. He moves back and forth between devices and beakers, cackling madly with a heavy Germanic accent. He pours one liquid into another, watches it change color, and then let’s loose the loudest most manic cackle of all.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
(with a German accent)
IT WORKS!!! AT LONG LAST!!! THEY SAID IT COULDN’T BE DONE, BUT I’LL SHOW THEM ALL WHEN I...

JANET walks in from a small door on the side, flips a light switch and bathes the whole lab in warm overhead incandescent light.

JANET
Dr. Heiglschwein - Mrs. Davidson, your 3:30 appointment, is here. Should I send her in?

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN puts down his beakers and pulls his goggles up.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Sure Janet. I was just finishing up. Send her in.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN goes to his desk. JANET ushers in MRS. DAVIDSON, an average looking middle-aged woman, wearing a little too much makeup. JANET then hands the DR. a manila file folder. The DR. offers his hand across the desk

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Mrs. Davidson, welcome. I’ve never seen you before, have I?

MRS. DAVIDSON
No, I’m a referral. Dr. Loudon is my GP.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Ahhhhhhhh....My old nemesis, Dr. Ronald Loudon!!! I’ve never forgiven him for defeating my army of mutated eels right before...

MRS. DAVIDSON
Look, can we cut the crap and get things moving?

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Sorry Mrs. Davidson...just reminiscing.

MRS. DAVIDSON
Well, I’m sorry to be so blunt, but I’m a little fed up right now. I’ve been through 2 doctors, and it took me forever to get referred to a Mad Scientist, since insurance classifies you people as specialists. Then I had to make sure Blue Cross pre-approved me - it’s been a nightmare.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Red tape....always red tape. How may I be of service Mrs. Davidson?

MRS. DAVIDSON
It’s my husband, Walter. He’s dead.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
I see...and how long has he been dead?

MRS. DAVIDSON
Almost a month. He’d been dead less than 24 hours when I first took him in...god damn HMO’s.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Is he here today?

MRS. DAVIDSON
Yes, he’s in the lobby.

The DR. presses a button on his desk intercom

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
(into intercom)
Janet, show Mr. Davidson in.

JANET
(over intercom)
Right away doctor.

The DR. starts looking through the file. The door opens and Janet pushes a coffin through to the middle of the room. JANET looks the wheels on the coffin’s trolley and exits again. The DR. and MRS DAVIDSON walk over to the coffin. The DR opens the coffin, pulls Mr. Davidson’s stiff arm from the coffin, and checks his pulse.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Yessssss, he is dead. What did he die of?

MRS. DAVIDSON
Who knows. He always put off going to the doctor. I kept telling him “some day you’re going to put it off until it’s too late”, but did he listen to me?
(to Mr. Davidson)
NOW LOOK AT YOU WALTER!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE LISTENED!!!

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Ummmmm...., so well preserved, so many possibilities. The things I could do with his corpse. I could...

MRS. DAVIDSON
Look, just bring him back to life, okay? That’s all I’ve got approval from Blue Cross for.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
But there is so much more I could do Mrs. Davidson. Merge his DNA with that of a killer shark, use a nuclear isotope to mutate him into a lethal agent of darkness, implant electrodes into his skull that would make him...

MRS. DAVIDSON
STOP! Just stop right there!!! You blood-sucking doctors are all alike - let’s check this, let’s try that, blah, blah, blah. Look, I had him in bed for a month, gave him extra fluids, chicken soup, vitamins, steamed up the bathroom and sat him in there for 30 minutes every few days - bupkis! I even tried some of those herbal supplements - none of it made him come back to life. I did everything I could think of not to bring him to a doctor, because everytime I do you shysters just run up the expenses on me. Then my health insurance hits me with a big list of what they won’t cover, and I get stuck with a huge bill. So just bring him back to life, or give me a prescription to bring him back to life, and we’ll be out of your hair, okay?

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
But without extreme measures Mrs. Davidson, bringing him back to life could have side effects.

MRS. DAVIDSON
For instance?

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Violent mood swings, cravings for human flesh and brains, irrational fear of fire, things like that.

MRS. DAVIDSON
Those don’t sound to bad to me. We have natural gas logs in the fireplace, and any emotion he shows towards me would be a step up, if you get my drift.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Mrs. Davidson, I am legally required to do everything I can to prevent side effects like that. I don’t want you coming back and suing me for malpractice...

MRS. DAVIDSON
Oh geez...those blood-sucking lawyers are worse than you god damn doctors.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
...and the state could revoke my accreditation if he starts terrorizing the country side.

MRS. DAVIDSON pauses and thinks for a minute, looks around to make sure no one’s watching, then leans in very close across the desk.

MRS. DAVIDSON (CONT)
Look, Dr. Heiglschwein, isn’t there some way we can get around all those legal requirements? Maybe there’s something I have that you want badly enough to trade me for this itty-bitty favor? Hmmmmmm???

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN thinks for a moment....

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
How attached are you to.....his brain?

MRS. DAVIDSON
Not very....Walter was never a great thinker.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Well, I might be willing to sidestep a few precautions if you allowed me to keep his brain....and signed this waver.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN pulls a document from a desk drawer and pushes it across to MRS. DAVIDSON. He pulls a pen out of the breast pocket of his lab coat, clicks it loudly in the silence and sets it down for her to sign.

MRS. DAVIDSON
(picking up the pen)
Thank you Doctor, you’re a life saver. Done and done

MRS. DAVIDSON starts signing the waver as DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN goes back, grabs a power saw goes over to the coffin. Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN’s hands are in the coffin so we can’t see them, but we hear a power saw cutting through something, with a few wet sounds tossed in. Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN sets the power saw down on a bench and pulls a brain out of the coffin. He sets it in a glass jar on the bench as MRS. DAVIDSON comes over.

Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN plugs several cables and tubes into the corpse turns several dials and pushes several buttons. He finally pulls a large blade switch on a wall. The lights go dark, sparks light up everywhere, liquids bubble, lightning crashes, etc. When the Dr. pushes the switch back up, smoke is rising from the coffin. A loud grunt is heard, and a hand punches through the side of the coffin. WALTER, who has a large scar across his forehead sits up, rips the rest of the side off the coffin, then stands. He has a very large and obvious erection in his pants. He sees MRS. DAVIDSON and grunts in anger as he goes to strangle her, arms outstretched.

MRS. DAVIDSON
Oh knock it off Walter.

WALTER stops dead in his tracks, dejected and compliant. Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN comes over, checks WALTER’S heart with a stethoscope.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
He lives!!!

MRS. DAVIDSON
I see that.
(pointing to Walter’s giant erection)
What’s going on with that?

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Oh....a side effect. It often occurs when someone has had rigor mortis too long.

MRS. DAVIDSON
It will eventually go away, right?

Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN nods no. MRS DAVIDSON thinks this over, and comes to the happy conclusion this might have it’s benefits.

MRS. DAVIDSON
(to DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN)
Oh you are good.
(to WALTER)
Walter, we’re going home, right now - get in the car

WALTER frankenstein-walks out the door, his erection leading the way

MRS. DAVIDSON
(back to DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN)
Thank you Doctor. All my girlfriends are going to hear about you!

WALTER grunts excitedly offstage.

MRS. DAVIDSON (CONT)
(to WALTER)
Walter that’s a hydrangea - stop that!!!
(smiling, to the DOCTOR)
He was never this frisky before!
(Back to WALTER as she exits)
I’m coming Walter...let’s go home.

FADE TO BLACK

FSW: Dinner at Doctor Eskatos'

Let's have a little change of pace for next week. If you read the sketches but aren't going to compete, comment here with your idea for what the theme should be. I'll pick my favorite and we'll run with that. If we get no suggestions (or if we fear the suggestions we get) the honors will fall to Ken. And if you want to compete, email a link to your sketch to sketchwar at dreamloom.com.

But that's next week. This week's theme, Mad Scientist, was selected by Michael. Of course, I was going to give you a beautiful musical about a misunderstood mad scientist in love with a sweet girl, but that bastard Whedon stole my idea from me! He'll be hearing from my lawyers! Instead, I give you...

FSW: Dinner at Doctor Eskatos'

INT. CAR - NIGHT

CURT, late 20s in sport coat and oxford, drives. Beside him is his wife PAM, late 20s and fashionably dressed. Her sister GINNY, mid-30s on the verge of old-maid hood, sits in back with her hands clasped on her lap.

PAM

How much further?

CURT

It's right up ahead

PAM

You weren't kidding when you said he lived outside city limits.

CURT

He likes his space, I guess. How are you doing back there, Ginny? You've been awfully quiet.

GINNY

Hmm? Oh, I'm good. Just working through some tensor products.

Pam rolls her eyes. Curt turns to her befuddled.

PAM

Ginny does linear algebra in her head when she's nervous.

GINNY

I'm not nervous.

CURT

I flunked pre-algebra twice.

(beat)

We're here.

Curt stops the car and the three get out. They walk up to the front door or a neat, well-kept bungalow. As soon as Curt presses the bell, the door opens, revealing IVAR, a short, slightly hunchbacked nebbish.

IVAR

Master is expecting you. Come in.

INT. BUNGALOW - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

The guests enter the cozy home and Ivar closes the door behind them. He points them to the living room where DOCTOR ESKATOS - 40s, lean, unruly cloud of hair, wearing a long white lab coat - sits perfectly upright. His body carves out exact 90-degree angles in his floral couch. Matching the couch, the decor of the house is early-grandmother.

IVAR

Master, your guests.

ESKATOS

Yes, yes, Ivar. I can see that. Please go see to our meal.

Ivar exits through a swinging door to the kitchen. Eskatos rises and crosses to the visitors. He extends his hand to Curt.

ESKATOS

Curt, I'm so glad you could make it.

CURT

Thanks, Doctor Eskatos. I was honored you asked. This is my wife, Pam.

ESKATOS

(shaking hands)

Pam, nice to meet you. Your husband speaks very highly of you.

PAM

Thank you. He says...things about you, too. This is--

ESKATOS

--Your sister Ginny, I presume.

Eskatos clasps Ginny's hand and shakes it too hard and too long. But Ginny doesn't seem to notice. He lets go and gestures to sit. The door to the kitchen swings open and a tray of drinks enters the room, carried by IGOR, who looks exactly like his brother. The drinks are proffered.

CURT

Oh, that's perfect. I'm parched. Thanks, Ivar.

IGOR

Igor.

CURT

I thought your name was Ivar?

IGOR

Igor.

Igor turns to Eskatos and spills the last drink on him.

ESKATOS

Clumsy oaf!

IGOR

I'm sorry, master. Let me get you another!

Igor rushes out of the room leaving Eskatos to clean himself up.

PAM

He seems a little...

(whispering)

is there something wrong with him?

ESKATOS

(yelling)

His mother was a scallion!

GINNY

Scullion.

ESKATOS

What?

GINNY

Scullion. You said 'scallion', but you meant 'scullion'. I'm something of a wordy.

Curt and Pam look at each other, horrified.

ESKATOS

I said what I meant. His mother was a scallion. He and his brothers were some of my first experiments with human-vegetable hybrids.

The door swings open. Igor rushes back with a towel and another drink.

ESKATOS (CONT'D)

(dripping with disdain)

As you can see, the experiment was not a success.

The door swings open again and the third brother, BRYCE, enters with a cheese plate.

BRYCE

Master, we were out of the crackers you like, so I toasted some bagel chips.

ESKATOS

Yes. Fine. Whatever, Bryce. Leave us! Both of you!

Bryce and Igor scurry out. The door swings open again and Ivar starts to walk in, but his brothers' hands grab him and pull him back into the kitchen.

PAM

Doctor Eskatos, Ginny is working on her PhD, too.

ESKATOS

Oh really? That's fascinating. What is your field of interest?

GINNY

High energy physics.

ESKATOS

Fascinating.

PAM

Maybe Doctor Eskatos would like to hear about your thesis.

GINNY

Oh, I don't want to bore him with that.

ESKATOS

Nonsense! I'd love to hear about it.

The door swings open again. Ivar (or maybe one of his brothers, who can be sure?) sidles in and takes the untouched cheese plate. He also picks up the unfinished drinks and carries them out on a tray.

ESKATOS (CONT'D)

It's so difficult to grow good help these days. I should have used cauliflower. How much better things would be had I used cauliflower.

The door swings open again and two of the brothers try to walk through at the same time, jamming against the jamb. Finally, they figure out how to enter. Igor carries another tray of drinks.

BRYCE

Master, the lamb will be ready in 30 minutes.

Igor spills the drinks on Eskatos again.

ESKATOS

Aaargh! You imbecile! I should have chopped your mother up for garnish before you were ever born!

IGOR

Master, I'm sorry. Let me help you.

ESKATOS

You've done more than enough!

Eskatos takes out a PDA and taps it for a moment. There is a bright flash of light and a puff of smoke appears as Igor screams in pain and runs around the room. He is singed and smoking. Bryce runs to the kitchen. Curt and Pam stare in shock.

CURT

What was that?

ESKATOS

This? Death ray.

PAM

He's not dead.

CURT

(to Pam)

Pam, let's not upset the doctor, please.

ESKATOS

No Curt, she's right. He's not dead. Not even a little.

Igor, the top of his head stil smoking, grabs a drink and douses the embers.

ESKATOS (CONT'D)

Like all my other inventions, my orbital death ray is a failure.

CURT

Orbital?

ESKATOS

Yes. I have a series of satellites in polar orbit. I can target any location on the planet. But to what end? Look at that! Death ray, indeed.

GINNY

Microwaves?

ESKATOS

Of course.

GINNY

Have you considered crossing unsynched beams with tachyon pulses to set up--

ESKATOS

--To set up Frakes-Francis interference! Of course! How did I not think of it before. Igor!

The door swings open. Igor resists entering, but his brothers' hands shove him back into the room.

IGOR

Yes, master?

ESKATOS

Bring me the lamb!

IGOR

But master, it is not finished yet.

ESKATOS

And I plan to remedy that.

Igor exits as Eskatos takes his PDA and frantically taps.

CURT

This is fun, huh?

Igor returns with the lamb on a platter. He looks nervous as he sets it down on the table and takes several steps away from it. Eskatos points the PDA at the lamb and taps it once. A bright flash, a puff of smoke, and Igor is gone.

ESKATOS

Huh. Must not have accounted for the Wheaton drift. I never was any good at linear algebra.

BLACKOUT

FSW: Best Friends

Ever so sorry to have come up with this idjotic theme. Sadly, *this* was probably the best effort I was going to be able to produce. I went back to the well, sort of, and then let the spirit of Our Gang take over. I hope it doesn't make y'all gag.

Michael's back on the grid and has already selected next week's theme: Mad Scientist.

As usual, if you want to play along with us, email a link to your entry to sketchwar at dreamloom.com.

Best Friends

INT: CLUBHOUSE - DAY

JOHN, a stocky white boy in shorts and a too-tight button-up shirt sits at the front table. BARRY, a long lean black kid wearing a black suit, white shirt, and bow tie, sits next to his left. JOE, a skinny, nondescript white kid, sits to his right. A handful of other boys sit facing front. John bangs a gavel.

JOHN

I now bring this meeting of the He-Man Woman-Hater's Club to order. Would the secretary please read the minutes from our last meeting?

BARRY

Freddy complained that we were all talking too much during his nap time and we took a vote. 8-2 in favor of making Freddy nap up in the old tree fort with one abstention.

JOHN

Who abstained?

BARRY

Freddy. He dozed off while we were talking about it.

(Beat)

Then the defense committee reported on the treaty negotiations with Cub Scout Troupe 163. They were at an impasse over access rights to cross 13th Street to get to Gargantuan Comics.

(Beat)

And Teddy asked for our help getting his sister's doll out of Becker's stream where it sank after he crashed his bike trying to jump the old footbridge.

JOE

I still don't understand why he had the doll with him.

JOHN

Alright, let's hear from the defense committee first.

THREE BOYS stand up. They're dirty and scuffed up. One of them with a black eye, another with a fat lip. HARRY - skinny, blond, bespectacled - steps forward.

HARRY

They whipped us good. Cheaters. Tommy Monahan's sister Rosie came with 'em. We didn't stand a chance.

JOE

(Anxious)

Are you alright?

HARRY

Yeah, but when my mom catches sight of me she's gonna have a fit.

JOE

No, I mean are you alright?

Barry and John turn to each other and roll their eyes.

HARRY

Oh, oh! Yeah, heck! I forgot!

Harry turns to the other two boys, both a little younger than he, and inoculates them.

HARRY (CONT'D)

(To the first boy)

Circle, circle, dot, dot. Now you've got the cootie shot.

(and the other)

Circle, circle, dot, dot. Now you've got the cootie shot.

JOE

Harry, you'd better get yourself taken care of too before you spread 'em.

HARRY

Yeah. Billy, can you give me the shot?

BILLY gets up. He's thin, with brown hair and a drawl like sweet tea on a summer's day.

BILLY

Can do, Harry.

They leave the clubhouse.

JOE

Guys, you've gotta be more careful. We don't want another outbreak like last spring.

All the boys look up and to their left. The screen wavers and chimes play...

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

Title: Last Spring

Barry stands in front of the class, singing. HILLARY watches with stars in her eyes.

BARRY

(Singing)

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy, when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away.

John looks on with a squint. Barry returns to his desk, right next to Hillary's. John gives him the ol' stinkeye as he passes.

HILARY

Ooooh, Barry. That was dreamy!

The screen wavers and chimes play again...

INT. CLUBHOUSE - DAY

Title: Today

Everyone shakes their heads and gets out of flashback mode. Barry turns to John and extends his hand...

BARRY

Brothers forever, pal. No broad's going to come between us again.

JOHN

(Shaking hands)

And how!

The door to the clubhouse opens. The defense committee comes back in, surrounding a girl! SARAH wears her brown hair in pigtails and the cutest little glasses. She carries a bb gun. All the boys in the clubhouse go nuts!

JOHN

(Banging his gavel)

Order! Order! What's she doing in here?

HARRY

We caught her spying outside.

BARRY

Is that true?

SARAH

Oh yeah, you betcha! I wanted to see what all the fuss was about, don'tcha know, so I scurried over here quick as a jackrabbit in deer season to peek through the knot hole. You boys sure like talkin' don'tcha?

JOE

Girl! Girl!

Joe gets up and starts running around like a headless chicken...until he bounces right off a wall and falls straight on his backside to the SOUND FX of little birds chirping.

JOHN

There are no girls allowed in here, Sarah. This is the He-Man Woman-Hater's Club.

SARAH

Oh John! You get so cute when you're all flustered-like. Your cheeks get red as fresh venison and you huff and puff like a little choo-choo train! You're so cute, I could just kiss ya!

John's eyes bug out. Barry's bow tie spins around as he stands gape-jawed.

BARRY

Well, now, Sarah. As you can surely deduce from the heretofore mentioned name, we have something of a exclusion policy with regard to persons of your gender--

SARAH

--There you go again! Gettin' all uppity and high-falutin' with your private school readin' and vocab-uh-lary. Why'n't you just talk like regular folks?

JOHN

Sarah, is that an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB gun with a compass in the stock?

SARAH

It sure is, cutie-pie!

BARRY

Really, I must protest. Sarah just doesn't belong here. We've still got club business to discuss.

JOHN

I could not disagree more. I think she brings a breath of fresh air to the place.

Sarah winks at John.

BARRY

Oh boy. Here we go again.

BLACKOUT

Best Friends

(A hospital room. GLEN and ADAM, mid-thirties, are in neighboring beds. They are wearing hospital gowns. GLEN is awake, reading a magazine. ADAM is asleep. After a few moments, ADAM wakes up and groans.)

GLEN
Well good morning!

ADAM (groggy)
Glen. Hey.

GLEN
The operation was a success.

ADAM
Oh, that’s great. How are you feeling?

GLEN
Great! How are you doing?

(pause)

ADAM
I’m really out of it.

GLEN
That sounds about right.
(pause)
Hey, Adam, I know I can never convey to you how much I appreciate this –

ADAM
Oh, no, seriously. There’s no need to mention it.

GLEN
Well, no, I think there is. You gave me a kidney. That’s huge.

ADAM
I was a match. What kind of friend would I be if I said no?

GLEN
No, Adam. It was above and beyond.

(pause)

ADAM
Well, you’re welcome.

(A moment passes. The two men have been rendered bashful by the level of warmth and intimacy. Finally, simultaneously, they reach between the beds and do a manly fist-bump.)

GLEN
Awesome.

ADAM
You’re looking really well.

GLEN
Yeah! I feel great.

ADAM
When will they know if your body accepts the kidney?

GLEN
I guess a kidney from a live donor starts working pretty much immediately, and it gets fully functional in three to five days. So, I guess three to five days after I have it implanted.

(pause)

ADAM
Sorry?

GLEN
Once they put the kidney in me, three to five days later it should be fully functioning, if all goes well.

ADAM
They didn’t put it in you yet?

GLEN
No, I thought it would be best to wait until I need it.

(pause)

ADAM
When will you need it?

GLEN
Who knows? But I feel great knowing it’s there. I feel prepared. Again, thank you.

(GLEN picks up a jar from the floor and sets it on the bedside table. In it, a kidney is suspended in cloudy liquid.)

ADAM
I thought you needed it right away!

GLEN
No!
(GLEN knocks on wood.)

ADAM
You son of a bitch! I thought it was a matter of life or death! You’re just keeping it aside in case you need it someday?

GLEN
What the hell, man? If you offer me half of your Twix bar, you’re not going to be pissed off if I don’t eat it right away.

(pause)

ADAM
No.

GLEN
I mean, we’re friends! We’ve known each other for fourteen years! I’ve been lying here, bored out of my skull for hours, just so I could be here in person when you regained consciousness. And I fucking hate hospitals, dude.

(pause)

ADAM
Thank you.

GLEN
Look, you’re welcome. You don’t have to thank me. It’s the least I could do.
(pause)
I’m gonna go get a Twix bar. You want anything?

(pause)

ADAM
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.

GLEN
Sure thing. And Adam. Don’t even think about going for your wallet. It’s on me.

(GLEN exits. ADAM lies in bed, silent. He glances over at the jar with the kidney in it. Idly, he reaches out and flicks it with his finger. He turns over and begins to drift back to sleep.)

Sketch War...I'm coming, I swear!!!

Wow. I am a super-slacker! I'm going to be dead last into the fray this week. Damn sleep study messed up my whole writing schedule! Then again, considering I apparently stop breathing about 60 times per minute I should probably be happy I went to the clinic and am going to get that taken care of!

Anyway, for your comedy pleasure while you're waiting for my *brilliant* sketch, please check out

• Michael's entry...
• Ken's entry...
• David's entry

I haven't read them yet; I'm afraid I'll crib their superior ideas and try to pawn them off as my own.

FSW: Best Friends Edition

Stop, hey what's that sound? Everybody look what's goin down....it's the FRIDAY SKETCH WAR - BEST FRIENDS EDITION!!! And this week, I took "war" a little too literally.

Richard gave our theme last week - not sure who theme duties fall to this week since Michael's status is up in the air, but Dave rejoined the battle week!

I'll post updated links as combatants report to the arena.

UPDATED: Michael snuck in when I wasn't looking (well before I posted actually), and gave us a tale of banks, dildos, and prarie dogs (welcome back to the blogospehere Michael - even if is just a Friday drive-by). He also provided next week's theme: Mad Scientist. More updates as others report in.

__________________________________________________________________

EXT. VIETNAM JUNGLE 1968 - NIGHT
Explosions and sound of automatic gunfire can be heard from every side - we’re in the middle of a nighttime jungle firefight. People are screaming and voices can be heard barking orders in military jargon, planes streak past overhead.

SOUTHSIDE, an African-American US soldier in his early 20’s enters, supporting CHARGER, a burly square jawed white soldier also in his early 20’s who appears to be wounded. Both wear jungle camo fatigues. SOUTHSIDE sets CHARGER down on the ground and pulls off his backpack. CHARGER grunts and grabs his leg in pain as SOUTHSIDE starts pulling medical supplies out of his pack and treating CHARGER.

SOUTHSIDE
Hang on man, we’re gonna to get you outta here. You’re gonna make it.

CHARGER
It’s bad man....I know it’s bad. You don’t have to lie to me.

SOUTHSIDE
Stay with me Charger....do not give up!

CHARGER
I always knew I’d buy it in ‘Nam, Southside...that I’d end up dying for my country. But...I....

SOUTHSIDE
You got something to say, now’s the time.

CHARGER
There’s a hundred ways to buy it in the Nam, Southside. But I’m glad I get to go with you by my side. You’ve been the best buddy a guy could ever have...always there for me no matter what.

SOUTHSIDE
Hang on man...hang on....we gonna get you home, I promise you.

CHARGER
No man, I ain’t gettin’ out of this jungle alive, but you are...and you gotta live for me...gotta do the livin’ for both of us from now on, you understand?

SOUTHSIDE
Yeah, I hear you....what you want me to do for you brother?

CHARGER
Make America mean something again....make it a shining beacon of truth and justice in the world
SOUTHSIDE
I will, man, I promise I will

CHARGER
Fight for clean air...

SOUTHSIDE
Until my dying day

CHARGER
And for pure water...

SOUTHSIDE
With every ounce of my strength...

CHARGER
And fight to make sure no black man ever becomes president.

SOUTHSIDE
Excuse me?

CHARGER
You gotta make that happen for me since I can’t!

SOUTHSIDE
Did you just tell me....ME...a black man, your best friend in Vietnam....the dude tryin to save your life, to make sure a black man never becomes president???

CHARGER
Oh thank God, you understand.

SOUTHSIDE
What the fuck Man?You can NOT be that much of a redneck. We been best friends the entire time been in country, and the whole time we were in bootcamp before that. My redneck detector would have gone apeshit a long time ago if you were bullshittin this whole time..

CHARGER
Power and money is all us white guys have left.

SOUTHSIDE
Ain’t that enough?

CHARGER
No man...Black musicians are cooler than whites, black athletes are better than white atletes, black men have bigger...

SOUTHSIDE
That’s a myth.

CHARGER
Remember the barracks showers at Fort Bragg?

SOUTHSIDE
(smiling)
Okay, you got me. But look...we may be great athletes, but it’s rich white guys that own the teams.

CHARGER
Just when we’re old - it’s the only way white guys get laid after 55.

SOUTHSIDE
Good point.

CHARGER
Look man...white guys are losing all the cool stuff. Being president is the last great dream white kids can have without fear of competition.

SOUTHSIDE
So I should never let a black man be president.

CHARGER
Never

SOUTHSIDE
Not even if the whole country is going to shit and the black man in question was like super-smart and had all kinds of great ideas on how to fix things?

CHARGER
Every dumb white person in the US would move to Canada if a smart black man had to bail their asses out.

SOUTHSIDE
Might not be so bad.

CHARGER
You want a war with Canada?

SOUTHSIDE
Charger, man, I love you like a brother, but you ask too much

CHARGER
It’s my dying wish man...you gotta do this for me

SOUTHSIDE
What if our positions were reversed....what if I were dying and told you you’d HAVE to vote for a black president someday if the right guy came along?

CHARGER
I.....I don’t know....

SOUTHSIDE
What if I was dyin’ cause I took a bullet to save you?

CHARGER
Yeah..I’d do it for you...without thinking...you’re my best friend...I’d owe you my life

SOUTHSIDE
So IF you owed me your life, you’d vote for a black president someday?

CHARGER
If I owed you my life, I’d do anything to repay that debt.

SOUTHSIDE
Then you, my brother, are votin’ black.

CHARGER
What?

SOUTHSIDE
Man I stopped you bleedin’ five minutes ago. You’re gonna be fine.

SOUTHSIDE helps CHARGER stand up. CHARGER tests his leg, looks down and see that it isn’t bleeding.

CHARGER
Shit

SOUTHSIDE
C’mon man, let’s get you back - an evac helicopter just landed over there

SOUTHSIDE helps CHARGER limp offstage

SOUTHSIDE
What about a woman president?

CHARGER
No way...maybe a woman vice president if she was really hot.

SOUTHSIDE
Plays into that whole great white dream thing again doesn’t it?

CHARGER
(smiling)
Oh hell yeah.

BLACK OUT

FSW: Best Friends Edition

I have returned from my sojourn into the cold, internetless world and I can only say one thing; Man did I get a lot of work done!

I'll post more about it later, but today is Friday and that means Sketch War.

No word from Richard or Ken or Dave yet this week, but I'm sure they're out there lurking somewhere.

This week's theme, brought to us by Richard, is "Best Friends".

I've been noodling around with a sitcom idea based on a couple of ne'er do well friends and I figured this would be a good excuse to actually do a little writing about them.

Full Disclosure: The germ of this scene was created during a writing exercise with another creative cat. I'm hoping that they won't be too offended that I've run off with it.

I don't have a title for it at the moment, but the file name I've been saving it under is "Jerks".

Oh, and next week's theme is Mad Scientist.


INT. BANK -- MORNING

JULIAN, bookish, 30s, stands in line at a teller window, check in his hand. Ani, sexy-nerdish, 30s, messenger bag slung on her shoulder, sneaks up behind him and jams her
fingers into his ribs. He lets out an embarrassingly girlish giggle then immediately whips around to face Ani.

JULIAN
Why! Do you insist on doing that?!

ANI
God help me, I love that sound.

JULIAN
What are you doing here?

ANI
It's the fifteenth. We always have lunch together on the fifteenth.

JULIAN
I know that, but this isn't the Under the Tracks Grill.

ANI
Well, today being a special day and all, I thought maybe you'd want an extra ten minutes of me. Plus, I couldn't wait to show you what I got you.

JULIAN
If you pull out a giant, black dildo, I swear to Christ-

ANI
Relax, Sister Mary Soggy Diaper, it's nothing like that.

She reaches into her bag and pulls out a latex, prairie dog mask and puts it on.

ANI (CONT'D)
Pretty sweet, huh?

JULIAN
Yeah, except I can still hear your voice.

A Bank Guard notices them and begins walking in their direction.

ANI
I figured you could wear this in that cubicle farm of an office you work in.

She starts to do a little dance. Julian notices the Guard heading their way.

JULIAN
Oh crap. You gotta take that off in here.

ANI
(Baby voiced)
Aw, wassa matter, Julian? Am I embarrwassing you again?

Her dancing becomes more frantic. Julian reaches for the mask but gets a handful of her hair instead.

ANI (CONT'D)
Ow! Douche.

Ani pulls Julian's hair and he emits a high-pitched, girlish scream.

JULIAN
Ani, stop fucking around.

They begin to wrestle.

GUARD
Hey!

In their struggling they bump into a little, old lady who was standing ahead of Julian and knock her over. A teller looks up at the commotion, sees the masked Ani, panics and hits the alarm. The Guard draws his taser.

GUARD (CONT'D)
Don't move!

Ani and Julian freeze in mid grapple.

ANI
Do you think he's talking to us?

The little, old lady has righted herself and thunks Julian over the head with her purse which causes him to bump into Ani, who spins towards the Guard. From the Guard's point of view it looks like a giant prairie dog is about to attack him. He panics and fires the taser, but Ani has spun out of the way and onto the floor and the barbs attached to the electrodes embed themselves into the little, old lady who jolts a couple of times, her false teeth falling out, and collapses to the floor. As Julian is helping Ani up, they take all this in.

JULIAN
Maybe we should...

Outside we hear the wail of sirens.

ANI
Definitely.

They bolt for the door.

EXT. BANK -- DAY

A small crowd is starting to gather as the bell can clearly be heard on the street. Julian and Ani, still wearing the prairie dog mask, come running out the door. People give them a wide berth as they race around the corner and into an alley.

Police cars screech to a halt in front of the bank. The Guard comes through the bank doors, wheezing. Onlookers point police in the direction of the alley and they take off on foot while a couple of cars peel rubber to head around the block.

EXT. ALLEY -- DAY
Julian and Ani are running for their lives. Ani is ahead of Julian.

JULIAN
You couldn't have waited for me at the restaurant!

ANI
You're kidding me, right? I couldn't have planned a better birthday present for you if I tried!

JULIAN
How's about next year you just bake me a cake?

ANI
What do I look like? Your mom?

JULIAN
Nah, you're ass is too big.

She stops dead in her tracks and whips off the mask. Julian runs a couple of steps past her then stops.

JULIAN (CONT'D)
What are you doing? They're right behind us.

ANI
You think I have a fat ass?

She smacks him with the mask, which he then grabs off of her.

JULIAN
I was kidding. Come on!

ANI
There's 25% truth in every joke, you know.

JULIAN
You've met my mom. She's built like a table leg.

Ani thinks about this for a moment.

JULIAN (CONT'D)
I have a bigger ass than my mom.

ANI
I suppose.

JULIAN
Can we go now?

ANI
Yeah. Sorry. It's just I've been trying to watch what I eat more and-

OFFICER 1
There he is!

Officer 1 dives through the air and tackles Julian. Officer 2 joins the pile as they wrestle handcuffs onto him.

ANI
Um, Officers.

OFFICER 2
Stand back, ma'am.

They drag Julian to his feet. He's glaring at Ani.

OFFICER 1
Let's go, Squirrel-Boy.

ANI
It's a prairie dog actually.
(To Julian)
Do you want me to come bail you out?

JULIAN
Maybe you should just leave me alone for the rest of the day?

ANI
Really? Weird.

JULIAN
Oh, and you do have a fat ass.

ANI
I know you don't mean that.

They walk Julian to an awaiting squad car. They put him in the back.

ANI (CONT'D)
I'll bring you some lunch.
(beat)
Protect your stink star!
(beat)
Happy birthday!

They drive off. Ani pulls a large, black dildo out of her bag.

ANI (CONT'D)
Maybe I should have given him this first.

She shrugs and heads to the Under the Tracks Grill.

FADE OUT:

FSW: Reap the Whirlwind - ***Michael's Sketch***

Okay, crazy-man Michael is taking this no Internet (other than email, because, well, c'mon!) thing seriously. He didn't post his sketch on his own blog tonight; he emailed it to me.

So, without further ado, here's Michael's sketch for this week:

Reap the Whirlwind
(The burned out remains of a once beautiful home. Matt and Erin stand, holding each other, staring at the carnage.)

Erin: I still can’t believe it.

Matt: Our whole lives.

Erin: It all happened so fast.

Matt: All my trophies.

Erin: Our wedding album.

Matt: The plasma TV.

Erin: My mother’s ashes.

Matt: Well, those are probably all right.

Erin: You think? Oh, honey, what are we going to do?

(Matt gives her a hug.)

Matt: It’s going to be all right.

Erin: The only think keeping me from completely freaking out is the knowledge that we have insurance. At least we’ll be able to build a new home.

Matt: Well...

Erin: What?

Matt: About the insurance...

Erin: Don’t tell me you forgot to pay the bill. Matthew Christopher Glover, I swear to Christ, I will-

Matt: I paid it. I paid it.

Erin: What then?

Matt: I sort of sold it to Stan.

Erin: You what?

Matt: You remember when he came over all upset because he’d just found out Kathy has ovarian cancer?

Erin: Yeah.

Matt: And how, since they didn’t have insurance they were going to have to sell everything just to pay for the treatments?

Erin: Yeah.

Matt: Well, I sort of sold him the right to our homeowner’s insurance.

Erin: You what?

Matt: I never thought our house would burn down!

Erin: How much did you sell it for?

Matt: That’s the beauty part. I got 10% interest on it.

Erin: So he paid you money, betting that the house might burn down and then he’d get to collect the insurance?

Matt: Not just him, either. Once I realized that people were willing to buy a policy against our policy I sold one to just about every guy at the office.

Erin: That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard.

Matt: Wait, it’s gets better. Baby, I had fourteen different guys paying me $100 a month. Do the math. That’s extra money in our pockets.

Erin: How long have you been doing this?

Matt: Almost two whole years! That’s $36,000.

Erin: And where’s that money now?

Matt: Well, it paid for the new TV. And the new cabinets. Our trip to Branson.

Erin: And how much was the policy worth?

Matt: Pays out one million dollars.

(She just stares at him.)

Matt: What?

Erin: Do the math, asshole! That’s 14 million dollars we have to pay out!

Matt: Oh. (It really sinks in.) OH!

(Just then a car pulls up outside. Stan walks over.)

Stan: Oh my god, I’m so sorry you guys.

Matt: Hey, Stan.

Stan: I heard the sirens and saw them turn down your street and I hoped...I mean...I’m so sorry you guys.

(Another car pulls up. Ernie gets out.)

Matt: Hey, Ernie, what are you doing here?

Ernie: Stan called and told me the news. I can’t believe it.

Matt: Yeah, it’s all gone.

Ernie: What an incredible return on an investment. I mean, my wife was pretty mad when she found out I was giving you $100 a month, but after tonight I am out of the dog house!

(Another car pulls up. Jerry gets out, he’s got an open beer in his hands.)

Jerry: Jackpot!

Stan: Listen, man, not to be a douche or anything, but when do you think the claims adjuster is going to be out?

Matt: We put a call into our guy, he said he’d be right over.

Erin: Listen you guys, I don’t know what Matt promised you.

Ernie: We have contracts.

(They all pull out official looking documents.)

Erin: Be that as it may, there’s no way we can pay each of you one million dollars.

Jerry: Come on, man, I need that money. I took out a loan against this insurance so I could buy my buddy Val’s life insurance policy. He a marathoner. It’ll be years before I see any of that dough.

Ernie: Yeah, I’ve gotta pay off the guys who just installed the swimming pool in our bedroom.

Matt: You put a swimming pool in your bedroom?

Ernie: Our mortgage guy thought it would increase the value. Plus, he bet me $500 that they couldn’t do it because it was on the second floor. Sucker.

Erin: I’m sorry. But there’s no money. But, once our insurance guy gets here, we’ll settle up with him and they we’ll happily give you your money back.

Stan: I don’t know. I was counting on that million.

Jerry: Me too.

Erin: Hey, something’s better than nothing though. Right?

(They all murmur and mumble and basically agree. Just then Perry Paul peddles up on his bike. He is a rather large man and very out of shape.)

Perry: (Winded) Sorry...I wasn’t...here....sooner...Cutbacks forced me....to give up...company car...I’m Perry Paul. How can AIG help you today?

BLACKOUT

FSW: Bailout!

Okay, the funny stuff in here? The good words? Stolen from greater men than I. Or worse, stolen and munged by a degenerate just to get them to fit my nefarious needs. So, to Alan Jay Lerner, Joe Darion, and Frank Loesser, I give all my humble and feeble thanks.

Ken picked out this week's theme - bailout - and came out of the gate first with, you guessed it, a musical sketch! His is original and funny and ends with the biggest laugh I've had all week. Michael hasn't shown up yet - he's thinking about a break from the Internet for a little while - but I'm still hoping his worse angels get the better of him. And I can't believe I forgot...David returns with a sketch! It's not on-theme, but who cares?

As for next week, the theme is...best friends.

As usual, if you want to play along with us, email a link to your entry to sketchwar at dreamloom.com.

Bailout!

EXT. THEATER - NIGHT

A small crowd of bedraggled and weary souls are gathered under a marquis. Their faces are sunken but their smiles are beaming. Behind them are posters for "Bailout!"

WOMAN #1

I found a Jujube under my seat! And it was warm in there. It's been so cold.

CAMERAMAN (O.C.)

But did you enjoy the play?

WOMAN #1

It was amazing. I cried. A lot.

WOMAN #2

Best show in years.

INT. THEATER - NIGHT

Three actors dressed as SENATORS LIEBERMAN, SPECTER, and COLEMAN huddle to one side.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Come see the smash hit everyone's talking about, "Bailout!" Winner of seven Tonys, including Best Play, Best Drama, and Best Place to Stay Warm in February. With songs you won't soon forget, like this one...

CLOSE ON SENATORS

SENATORS LIEBERMAN, SPECTER, AND COLEMAN

(singing)

The Secretary is just a Goy
Not a M.O.T., just a Goy.
To finagle and dangle and skillfully wrangle
The financial hoi polloi
The Wall Street meltdown is not
Safe in the hands of a Goy.

INT. THEATER - NIGHT

The stage is set for a Senate hearing. An actor playing LEHMAN BROTHERS CEO, RICHARD FULD sits at the witness table with his ATTORNEY. Several SENATORS sit across him at their desks.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Or this hilarious number...

LEHMAN BROTHERS CEO, RICHARD FULD

Senators!

(singing)

Do you recall the other night that I distinctly said you might
Shore up my junk bonds and bad mortgages?
Well, I'm afraid there's someone who I must sell to in place of you
Someone who plainly is beyond compare
China's portfolio is more tremendous than I have e'er seen anywhere
And when an offer is that tremendous
It, by right, should buy up all my shares.

SENATORS

(speaking)

But Richard, let us bargain with them and beat them!
Don't refuse us so abruptly, we implore!
Give us the opportunity to outbid them
And China will be smashed upon the floor!

LEHMAN BROTHERS CEO, RICHARD FULD

You'll bash and thrash them?

SENATORS

We'll smash and mash them.

LEHMAN BROTHERS CEO, RICHARD FULD

You'll give them trouble?

SENATORS

They will be rubble.

LEHMAN BROTHERS CEO, RICHARD FULD

A mighty whack?

SENATORS

Their market will crack.

LEHMAN BROTHERS CEO, RICHARD FULD

Well...

(singing)

Then you may buy up all my shares
If you do all the things you promise
In fact, my heart would break should you not buy up all my shares.

INT. THEATER - NIGHT

A lone spot on an actor portraying SENATOR MCCAIN. He stands in front of the curtain, facing the audience.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Or this soul-wrenching number about thwarted dreams from Tony-winner Neil Patrick Harris...

SENATOR MCCAIN

(singing)

I have dreamed thee too long,
Never seen thee or touched thee.
But known thee with all of my heart.
Half a prayer, half a song,
Thou hast always been with me,
Though we have been always apart.

Oval Office... Oval Office...
I see heaven when I see thee, Oval Office,
And thy desk is just a place
I'll never sit in... Oval Office... Oval Office!

CUT TO:

Titles. "Bailout!" in white letters on black.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Come see "Bailout!", playing now and forever at the Winter Garden Theater. Located between the Helping Hands Soup Kitchen and the Unemployment Office.

BLACKOUT

FSW: Bailout

I've been threatening to do it for a while, and whaddya know, this week I finally did it - a sketch with a musical number. I chose the theme of Bailout last week - can't imagine why! And I'm posting late (geez lyrics take a while to write). But, since we seem to have a lot in common with the 30's, I couldn't help but add in my little homage to the golden age of musicals.

Nothing yet from Michael or Richard - Michael may be taking a break (and he will be sorely missed), but I'll update as combatants report to the field. Honors for theme-picking go to Richard next week...let's see, we've had Apocalpse and Bailout....I bet he picks something like puppies :)

UPDATED: After being away from the wonder-box Friday night and Saturday, I returned this morning to a great sketch from Richard, and a surprise entry from Michael (woooohoooo!!!). Richard gave us a taste of old Broadway too (I guess it isn't a coincidence that the Golden Age of Broadway started during the great depression - finanacial chaos apparently inspires showtunes :) and Michael, who's taking a break from all-things internet, guest stars on Richard's blog with insurance to get you through the tough times.

Richard also set the theme for next week's sketch war: Best Friends!
_________________________________________________________________

EXT. EMPRIRE STATE BUILDING OBSERVATION DECK - DAY
A few people are milling about, but there’s not a lot of traffic. MR. THOMPKINS, a tour guide \ guard is there resplendent in his perfectly pressed navy blue uniform, brass rimmed spectacles, and immaculately groomed grey mustache over a beaming smile. The elevator dings and the doors open. CHARLIE and DAISY step out into the sun. Both are in their late 20’s, clean cut, innocent, bright eyed, almost stereotypically Midwestern, and very obviously tourists. Both have an air of bittersweet sadness about them. They step out into the sunshine on the deck.

DAISY
Oh Charlie, it really is magnificent. Just like everyone says.

CHARLIE
Staggering view.

DAISY
C’mon honey bun. Let’s just pretend everything is okay for a little bit. After all, this may be the last vacation we take for a very very long time.

CHARLIE hugs DAISY

CHARLIE
You’re right, my little ray of sunshine. Say, let’s go peek over the edge and see how far we can see.

They walk over to the edge of the observation deck, looking through the large fence around it.

CHARLIE (CONT)
Wow...the city looks so peaceful from up here, as if it were filled with nothing but nice considerate people who would never think of trashing an entire free market economy just for a couple of high-priced hookers and a custom Bentley.

DAISY
Now lamb chop....

CHARLIE
I’m sorry Daisy. Just slipped out. I’ll try and look on the bright side of things. Say...do you think that’s New Jersey over there?

DAISY
I think it is Charlie. Nice, respectable, kindly New Jersey, filled with kindly, respectable people, like loan sharks and mob bosses, the kind of people who only break the knees of people who have wronged them, and then only one at a time.

DAISY starts sobbing, and CHARLIE wraps her up in his arms

CHARLIE
There there, my darling...

MR. THOMPKINS strolls over to CHARLIE and DAISY, concerned

MR. THOMPKINS
‘Scuse me folks, but I couldn’t help but notice you aren’t exactly thrilled by our view here.

CHARLIE
Sorry Mister.....

MR. THOMPKINS
Thompkins, William Thompkins, but call me Billy - all my friends do.

CHARLIE
Sorry Billy. My wife Daisy and I are just in a bit of a rough patch, with the economy being so rocky and all. We have a lot of bills...

DAISY
And some big credit card debts...

CHARLIE
And a big house back in Iowa that’s lost almost half it’s value...

DAISY
Not to mention a whole bunch of stocks that aren’t worth dick anymore.

CHARLIE
Fact is, Billy, we only came on this trip to New York because we already paid for it a while back, when times were good, and with this economy, we won’t be going anywhere more exciting than Dubuque for a long time.

DAISY
Dubuque!!!

DAISY starts crying loudly again

MR. THOMPKINS
Awwww, you poor kids. No wonder you look so down in the mouth. Come on over here and have a seat. Take a load off

He leads them to a bench by the wall around the deck. He pulls a box of animal crackers out of his pocket.

MR. THOMPKINS (CONT)
Animal Cracker? I keep a box in my coat ‘cause they always make life feel a little simpler...like those care free days when I was a boy.

DAISY and CHARLIE both reach in a grab a cookie out of the box. They crunch them and start to smile a little

MR. THOMPKINS
There...now that’s better, isn’t it?

DAISY and CHARLIE smile weakly and nod yes

MR. THOMPKINS
You know, me and Mrs. Thompkins went through some rough times when were about your age. Not as rough as these, but not too far off. Heck, we thought we were all set for a nice cozy retirement. Boy were we wrong. That’s why Mrs. Thompkins is on the street 4 days a week selling black tar heroin. Say, neither of you kids is a hopelessly addicted smack-head, are you? Mrs. Thompkins is looking for new business.

DAISY
Sorry Billy.

MR. THOMPKINS
Oh well, never hurts to ask. Me...well, I knew there was just one place for me, and that was right here, working security atop this grand old lady.

DAISY
Why is that Mr. Thomp...

MR. THOMPKINS shoots her a playful disapproving look

DAISY (CONT)
I mean “Billy”

MR. THOMPKINS smiles

MR. THOMPKINS
Because this is a magical place Daisy, where people come to see more than just the view - it’s a place where people see their past, their future, and see things in perspective. This is a a place where you can do things you can’t do anywhere else in the world. Let me put it this way...

The music starts and soon MR THOMPKINS is singing a nice 1930’s musical number

MR. THOMPKINS (CONT)
(singing)
When a panoramic view
Just serves to make you blue
And what used to make you happy makes you weep
There's a way that I have found
To make a smile out of that frown
Just make douchebag broker take a flying leap

MR THOMPKINS starts talking again, the music plays on in the background

MR. THOMPKINS (CONT)
Here, let me show you...

MR. THOMPKINS goes over to the fence, pushes a section aside so it no longer shrouds the ledge and looks down.

MR. THOMPKINS(CONT)
Boy, I wish I knew where to invest a few million right now - if only some savvy wall street broker was around to help an old ignorant but wealthy investor with his cash.

A man, BROKER 1, in an expensive suit, dripping jewelry and carrying an expensive briefcase, come running over.

BROKER 1
Hey there....Mike Scabbers, financial genius...sorry about the tan bro, just got back from a big-wig conference in Aruba, I’d love to get you invested in ....

MR. THOMPKINS pushes a button on the wall, and the railing slides over to reveal a gap. MR. THOMPKINS nods and smiles as he leads BROKER 1 over the to gap, then pushes him through and over the edge. MR. THOMPKINS sighs with a smile, and comes back smiling, and singing again.

MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
Throw a douchebag off a building
And see if he can fly
That greedy jerk put you out of work
To grab a bigger piece of pie

Just throw a douchebag off a building
Give a smug exec the boot
Watch the smarmy rat make a big ol' splat
Without his golden parachute

The music continues playing

MR. THOMPKINS
See kids, a lot of these deal making, super rich, money-flauntin out-of-touch, above the law, guilt-free Wall Street types - the type we New Yorkers like to call “douche bags” - like to come up here and take in the view - kind of makes them feel like the king of world I guess. So there’s always several around to do with as you please. Watch this...

(looking over the edge of the building)

Oh look - I wonder whose chauffeur just turned off the engine in that Hummer Limo to save gas?

BROKER 2 comes running over to the edge to look.

BROKER 2
Dammit - I told Lawson to keep circling until I’m ready.....

BROKER 2 looks over, and MR. THOMPKINS pushes him over the edge

MR. THOMPKINS
Ahhhhhhh...there is nothing quite like the feeling of launching a financial douchebag into thin air!

CHARLIE
But Billy, isn’t that murder?

MR. THOMPKINS
In the old days, when a financial exec caused a mess like this, they had the courtesy to jump off a building under their own steam. We’re just helping them out this time around. Want to try it?

DAISY
Gee Billy, I don’t know where to start.

MR. THOMPKINS
Well Daisy, you just need to shout out something that would make the average money-grubbing Wall Street douchebag with no conscience come a-runnin’.

DAISY
Hey! I think I’ve got just the thing Billy. Let me give it a whirl.

MR. THOMPKINS ushers DAISY over to the magic section of the wall.

DAISY
(shouting)
Boy, I sure wish I could find a man compensating for a tiny penis with a lot of cash.

BROKERS 3 and 4 flock over quickly. They look almost identical to BROKERS 1 and 2. They start hitting on DAISY with smarmy lines and telling her what they’ll buy for her. CHARLIE sneaks up behind them pushes them both over the edge. CHARLIE and DAISY look over the edge as they fall.

CHARLIE
Hey....that crowd down on the street is actually cheering!

MR. THOMPKINS
Of course they are - they’re people just like you!

DAISY
(waving at the crowd below)
You’re welcome, non-wealthy New Yorkers!!!

A cheer is heard from the street

CHARLIE
(singing)
Throw a douchebag off a building
For trashing the Dow Jones

DAISY
(singing)
He made stupid bets on risky debts

DAISY ANDCHARLIE
(singing)
And some fucked up subprime loans

MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
Just throw a douchebag off a building
Introduce him to gravity

DAISY
(singing)
The greedy lout

CHARLIE
(singing)
Got a big bailout

CHARLIE, DAISY AND MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
For his financial depravity

CHARLIE
Hey! Let me try too!

CHARLIE goes over to the magic wall section

CHARLIE
(shouting)
Did you hear the bailout includes fraud-investigations for Wall Street executives AND closes all existing tax-loopholes for the ultra-wealthy???

A whole stream of BROKERS, looking just like the others, screams and runs for the open hole in the fence and jumps out. This goes on for a while - a long stream of well dressed lemmings. A big cheer is heard from the crowd below. MR. THOMPKINS, DAISY and CHARLIE all look at each other and laugh.

MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
They’ve created a recession
But don’t let it get you down
Just make sure the great depression
Is made by a douchebag hitting the ground

DAISY
(singing)
Throw a douchebag off a building
For messing up Wall Street

CHARLIE
(singing)
High flying execs
Caused these big train wrecks
So they deserve to eat concrete

(Key change)

CHARLIE, DAISY AND MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
Just throw a douchebag off a building
And see if he can fly

CHARLIE
(speak-singing)
Make an asshole plummet at the G7 summit

DAISY
(speak-singing)
He’ll look so super rich in his self-made ditch

MR. THOMPKINS
(speak-singing)
He won’t need net worth when he hits the turf

CHARLIE, DAISY AND MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
Just throw a douchebag off a building
And wave those blues bye-bye!!!

They end with a big finish and the music stops

CHARLIE
Wow honey-bunch! I haven’t seen you smile that much in a year!

DAISY
I haven’t felt this good in a year, Charlie! And I know one midwestern boy who’s finally going to get lucky when we get back to the hotel!

CHARLIE
Well what are we waiting for! Let’s head back right now!

DAISY
How can we ever thank you, Billy? We may not be better off financially...

CHARLIE
But we sure do feel better screwing over the people who screwed us over!!

MR. THOMPKINS
That’s the spirit kids! Just remember, when the going gets tough, the tough find the douchebags responsible and get even with them.

DAISY AND CHARLIE
Bye Billy!!!

MR. THOMPKINS
Bye bye kids!

DAISY and CHARLIE wave and exit into the elevator. GUARD 2 walks over to MR. THOMPKINS as he waves back

GUARD 2
Do they know that Wall Street douchebags can’t really be killed?

MR. THOMPKINS
Why spoil their mood.

BLACK OUT