Friday, October 10, 2008

FSW: Reap the Whirlwind - ***Michael's Sketch***

Okay, crazy-man Michael is taking this no Internet (other than email, because, well, c'mon!) thing seriously. He didn't post his sketch on his own blog tonight; he emailed it to me.

So, without further ado, here's Michael's sketch for this week:

Reap the Whirlwind
(The burned out remains of a once beautiful home. Matt and Erin stand, holding each other, staring at the carnage.)

Erin: I still can’t believe it.

Matt: Our whole lives.

Erin: It all happened so fast.

Matt: All my trophies.

Erin: Our wedding album.

Matt: The plasma TV.

Erin: My mother’s ashes.

Matt: Well, those are probably all right.

Erin: You think? Oh, honey, what are we going to do?

(Matt gives her a hug.)

Matt: It’s going to be all right.

Erin: The only think keeping me from completely freaking out is the knowledge that we have insurance. At least we’ll be able to build a new home.

Matt: Well...

Erin: What?

Matt: About the insurance...

Erin: Don’t tell me you forgot to pay the bill. Matthew Christopher Glover, I swear to Christ, I will-

Matt: I paid it. I paid it.

Erin: What then?

Matt: I sort of sold it to Stan.

Erin: You what?

Matt: You remember when he came over all upset because he’d just found out Kathy has ovarian cancer?

Erin: Yeah.

Matt: And how, since they didn’t have insurance they were going to have to sell everything just to pay for the treatments?

Erin: Yeah.

Matt: Well, I sort of sold him the right to our homeowner’s insurance.

Erin: You what?

Matt: I never thought our house would burn down!

Erin: How much did you sell it for?

Matt: That’s the beauty part. I got 10% interest on it.

Erin: So he paid you money, betting that the house might burn down and then he’d get to collect the insurance?

Matt: Not just him, either. Once I realized that people were willing to buy a policy against our policy I sold one to just about every guy at the office.

Erin: That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard.

Matt: Wait, it’s gets better. Baby, I had fourteen different guys paying me $100 a month. Do the math. That’s extra money in our pockets.

Erin: How long have you been doing this?

Matt: Almost two whole years! That’s $36,000.

Erin: And where’s that money now?

Matt: Well, it paid for the new TV. And the new cabinets. Our trip to Branson.

Erin: And how much was the policy worth?

Matt: Pays out one million dollars.

(She just stares at him.)

Matt: What?

Erin: Do the math, asshole! That’s 14 million dollars we have to pay out!

Matt: Oh. (It really sinks in.) OH!

(Just then a car pulls up outside. Stan walks over.)

Stan: Oh my god, I’m so sorry you guys.

Matt: Hey, Stan.

Stan: I heard the sirens and saw them turn down your street and I hoped...I mean...I’m so sorry you guys.

(Another car pulls up. Ernie gets out.)

Matt: Hey, Ernie, what are you doing here?

Ernie: Stan called and told me the news. I can’t believe it.

Matt: Yeah, it’s all gone.

Ernie: What an incredible return on an investment. I mean, my wife was pretty mad when she found out I was giving you $100 a month, but after tonight I am out of the dog house!

(Another car pulls up. Jerry gets out, he’s got an open beer in his hands.)

Jerry: Jackpot!

Stan: Listen, man, not to be a douche or anything, but when do you think the claims adjuster is going to be out?

Matt: We put a call into our guy, he said he’d be right over.

Erin: Listen you guys, I don’t know what Matt promised you.

Ernie: We have contracts.

(They all pull out official looking documents.)

Erin: Be that as it may, there’s no way we can pay each of you one million dollars.

Jerry: Come on, man, I need that money. I took out a loan against this insurance so I could buy my buddy Val’s life insurance policy. He a marathoner. It’ll be years before I see any of that dough.

Ernie: Yeah, I’ve gotta pay off the guys who just installed the swimming pool in our bedroom.

Matt: You put a swimming pool in your bedroom?

Ernie: Our mortgage guy thought it would increase the value. Plus, he bet me $500 that they couldn’t do it because it was on the second floor. Sucker.

Erin: I’m sorry. But there’s no money. But, once our insurance guy gets here, we’ll settle up with him and they we’ll happily give you your money back.

Stan: I don’t know. I was counting on that million.

Jerry: Me too.

Erin: Hey, something’s better than nothing though. Right?

(They all murmur and mumble and basically agree. Just then Perry Paul peddles up on his bike. He is a rather large man and very out of shape.)

Perry: (Winded) Sorry...I wasn’ forced give car...I’m Perry Paul. How can AIG help you today?



Ken Robertson said...


Can't imagine where the idea to keep passing the buck came from.

2old4this said...

Brilliant! Bravo!

Many thanks to CS for posting it here.