Scenes I Predict Will Be in the Series Premiere of “Life on Mars”

(GRUFF 70s COP and DISPLACED TIME TRAVELER COP are chasing down a suspect on foot.)

GRUFF 70s COP (panting)
We won’t catch him unless we split up. You go down the alley, past the pet rock store. I’ll head toward the Naugahyde factory. We’ll meet at the payphone on Plaid Street and Paisley Way.

DISPLACED TIME TRAVELER COP
The what-phone?

GRUFF 70s COP
Payphone! You put a dime in it, you make a call!

DISPLACED TIME TRAVELER COP
Like a land-line?

GRUFF 70s COP
What the hell are you talking about, “land-line”?

DISPLACED TIME TRAVELER COP
I mean – whoops!

(DISPLACED TIME TRAVELER COP has suddenly fallen out of the shot. GRUFF 70s COP turns around.)

GRUFF 70s COP
What now?

DISPLACED TIME TRAVELER COP
My shoe flew off! These 70s loafers are useless to me! I need a pair of Reebok Pumps!

GRUFF 70s COP
What-bok whats?

DISPLACED TIME TRAVELER COP
You know, Reebok Pumps! The sneakers with the built-in air pump, for support, protection, and a custom fit!

GRUFF 70s COP
You’re dreamin’, rookie. There’s no such shoe!

DISPLACED TIME TRAVELER COP
What?? It’s the greatest sports performance shoe in the world! They’ve been around since nineteen-eighty-nine, and ... Oh. Oh, no no no ...

(DISPLACED TIME TRAVELER COP buries his face in his hands and weeps.)

• • •

GRUFF 70s COP
If you don’t crack this case, kid, you’ll never be anything more than Agnew to my Nixon.

DISPLACED TIME TRAVELER COP
Don’t you mean Cheney to your Bush?

GRUFF 70s COP
No one is getting chained to a bush!

DISPLACED TIME TRAVELER COP
Wait a minute!
(He analyzes the evidence – a small, bloodstained square of shag carpeting – and is struck with an epiphany.)
I see it all now, clear as Crystal Pepsi!

GRUFF 70s COP
Clear as what?

DISPLACED TIME TRAVELER COP
Oh my lord I AM LIVING A NIGHTMARE!

(He tries to kick over a water cooler but misses, and his shoe flies off his foot, landing in GRUFF 70s COP’s coffee mug.)

• • •

(DISPLACED TIME TRAVELER COP is at a romantic dinner with SEXY 70s LADY COP.)

DISPLACED TIME TRAVELER COP
You know, Linda, I think I’m beginning to like it now. I mean, “like it here.” As long as you’re by my side, I can live through any era of our country’s history.

SEXY 70s LADY COP
That’s a very sweet and odd thing to say.

(A WAITER enters and serves them a cheese fondue tray.)

DISPLACED TIME TRAVELER COP
In fact, I have something to ask you.

(DISPLACED TIME TRAVELER COP plunges a fork into the melted cheese and pulls out a dripping object. With some difficulty, he uses a napkin to scrape the hot cheese away, eventually revealing a diamond ring. To cool it off, he pours a little Chablis on it.)

SEXY 70s LADY COP (tears welling up)
Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!

DISPLACED TIME TRAVELER COP (kneeling)
When I’m with you, Linda, I feel I can burst into song at any minute.
(He begins singing, softly and romantically.)
“I can see a new horizon,
Underneath the blazin' sky.
I'll be where the eagle’s_ flyin’,
Higher and higher...”

SEXY 70s LADY COP (grimacing slightly)
What are you ... Oh, my ...

DISPLACED TIME TRAVELER COP (singing)
“Gonna be your man in motion.
All I need is a pair of wheels.
Take me where my future's lyin’,
St. Elmo’s Fire...”

(SEXY 70s LADY COP is writhing on the floor, her hands pressed frantically over her ears.)

SEXY 70s LADY COP
Stop! Stop making that noise, you monster!

DISPLACED TIME TRAVELER COP (panicking)
What was I thinking? Your ears are not ready for this music! Not without experiencing everything that happens between now and 1985!

SEXY 70s LADY COP
Oh, the dissonance! What pit of hell spewed forth that crushing cacophony!

DISPLACED TIME TRAVELER COP
“Love Will Keep Us Together!” “Jessie’s Girl!” “Do That To Me One More Time!” So many steps you haven’t had the chance to take!

SEXY 70s LADY COP
If you think I’ll marry you, you’re dumber than a worry stone!

(DISPLACED TIME TRAVELER COP stands and runs out of the restaurant. One of his shoes falls off, but he doesn’t go back to pick it up, because all the other diners are calling for his head.)

(Except for one. A MYSTERIOUS WOMAN watches him leave, then picks up his discarded shoe. We hear her thoughts in voiceover.)

MYSTERIOUS WOMAN (voiceover)
Hmmm. There’s something about that man I find fascinating. I shall search the whole city until I find the gentleman who fits this shoe.

(The MYSTERIOUS WOMAN places the shoe into her handbag. When the camera pulls pack, we see that it is a promotional bag advertising “Lost” coming out on DVD! Season EIGHT!)

THE END...???