Doctor Dennis Peterman

(The Annual Mad Scientist Convention. DOCTOR ATROCITY is standing at a podium. He is accompanied by a drooling alligator/human hybrid in chains, who glares at the assembled audience of mad scientists. DOCTOR ATROCITY reads off note cards.)

DOCTOR ATROCITY
Therefore, you collective of sniveling puppets! Heed well my coming vengeance! Courtesy of my army of leidyosuccubi, you will soon unleash anguished cries you had no idea you were capable of!
(He flips to the next note card.)
The fortunate among you shall die quickly. And make no mistake – none of you shall die quickly! Thank you.

(The assembled SCIENTISTS applaud heartily as DOCTOR ATROCITY leads his creature offstage. DOCTOR GERYON, MPhD enters.)

DOCTOR GERYON
Thank you, Doctor Atrocity. And now the final speaker at the 178th Annual Mad Scientist Convention, Doctor Dennis Peterman.

(DENNIS takes the stage to a smattering of unenthusiastic applause. He carries an easel with a tablecloth draped over it.)

DENNIS
Thank you. It’s good to see so many familiar faces. Um. Hold on.
(He sets up the easel and adjusts the height of the microphone.)
Sorry. Okay. Ahem. In this era of so-called “convenience” meals, when everyone is “on-the-go,” what we need is a utensil that combines the cradling powers of a spoon with the piercing powers of a fork. Gentlemen, I present to you the most recent diabolical abomination from the labs of Doctor Dennis Peterman, the Spork!

(With a flourish, DENNIS pulls the tablecloth off the easel, revealing a highly technical blueprint of a spork. DENNIS gazes triumphantly at his audience. The audience is silent. Pause. Eventually, various SCIENTISTS begin speaking from the crowd.)

DOCTOR MALEFICARUM
Can it be used as a weapon?

(DENNIS is taken aback by the question for a moment.)

DENNIS
If you mean a weapon against inconvenience and waste, then definitely! Ha, ha!
(Silence.)
I suppose, if it were made out of metal. By and large, I envision them being made out of plastic. But even so, I believe a more conventional fork would probably serve your purposes better.

DOKTOR KOBOLD
What if it were made out of Asarium?

DENNIS
I’m sorry, “Asarium”?

DOKTOR KOBOLD
The radioactive mineral. It melts people from the inside. I introduced it at last year’s convention, and you all laughed!

DOCTOR RANTOUL
Oh for Pete’s sake, Doktor Kobold, enough with the Asarium.

DOKTOR KOBOLD
You shall pay for your impertinence!

DENNIS
Gentlemen, please. It’s really only designed for eating. In field tests, it has proved very useful. And that’s that. Thank you.

(A brief smattering of applause as DENNIS gathers his things and exits.)

(CUT TO: an office. DOCTOR GERYON sits behind a desk, talking to DENNIS.)

DOCTOR GERYON
I suppose I’m wondering if you really feel you fit in here, Dennis.

DENNIS
Certainly! I mean, I’ll never be the most popular person in the Guild, but I feel I play my part.

DOCTOR GERYON
It’s just that you don’t seem to exhibit the myopia, the megalomania, the idée fixe that are part and parcel of the mad scientist credo. You’re not angry at the world.

DENNIS
Oh.
(pause)
I thought it was “mad” like “crazy.”

DOCTOR GERYON
Well, no, it is. But besides that, you need to have some kind of grudge against society. Do you have any past slight, real or imagined, that you might fetishize?

DENNIS
No. Well. I hate waiting in line for things. Like, real long lines at the post office.

(DOCTOR GERYON grimaces and sighs.)

DOCTOR GERYON
I’ll give you an example: Doctor Rantoul. Let’s face it, he’s not half the scientist you are. But the guy is relentlessly fixated on the time twenty years ago when a handsome museum curator spilled coffee on a Beelzebufo ampinga fossil he was preparing for a diorama. He has spent the last two decades trying to create an army of carnivorous toads. He has not come close to succeeding, but his obsession carries a lot of weight here.

DENNIS
I don’t have anything like that, no.

DOCTOR GERYON
Do you have a slavish sidekick?

DENNIS
Well, there’s Jeanette.

DOCTOR GERYON
Okay, let’s talk about Jeanette.

DENNIS
She’s a grad student. She’s very competent.

DOCTOR GERYON
But is she a vile wretch, willing to unquestioningly carry out your most dangerous and thankless tasks?

DENNIS
Well no. In fact, I’m going to lose her in the fall; she just got hired at M.I.T.

DOCTOR GERYON
I see.
(He absently takes a marble-sized pellet out of the pocket of his lab coat. He rolls it around in his hand during the following.)
I’m going to suggest that you take a little break. Get some distance from the Guild and clear your mind. Ask yourself if you are willing to take on the extra fury to pursue a career in the mad sciences or if a more conventional route might be more rewarding to you. Okay?

DENNIS
Am I being kicked out?

DOCTOR GERYON
Dennis. When we kick people out of the Guild, they know it. I’m suggesting a hiatus.

DENNIS (glumly)
Okay.

(DOCTOR GERYON stands and offers his hand. DENNIS shakes it.)

DOCTOR GERYON
Thank you for your work. And perhaps I’ll hear from you again in a year?

DENNIS
All right. So long, then.

(DOCTOR GERYON casually flips the pellet to the floor, and it explodes in a burst of smoke. When it clears, he has vanished. DENNIS sits, dejected, for several moments. The door opens and DOCTOR GERYON pokes his head back into the room.)

DOCTOR GERYON
It’s nothing personal, Dennis. I want to stress that. Maybe one day you will snap.

DENNIS
Thank you.

DOCTOR GERYON
Farewell.

(DOCTOR GERYON drops another smoke pellet and vanishes again.)

DENNIS (softly, to himself)
I’ll show them. I’ll show them all.
(He dials his cell phone.)
Hello, Jeanette? It’s Dennis. Oh, it went… Well, it went terribly, if you must know. That is why I have an assignment for you. I would like you to come to the Hyatt and let the air out of every car in the parking lot… No, I’m not kidding. They’ll pay. Every last one of them… I suppose you’re right. Okay. I’ll sleep on it… Thank you, Jeanette. You’re the best.

(DENNIS hangs up and slouches in his chair.)