Friday, October 24, 2008

FSW: Mad Scientist edition

Welcome to.....FRIDAY SKETCH WAR - MAD SCIENTIST EDITION!!!! BWAAAAA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(if you were expecting subtle dignity with a theme like Mad Scientist, you are out of your freakin' mind!!!).

It's been a crazy week, so what better way to polish it off than with a Mad Scientist sketch. No word from Michael or Dave yet, but Richard was up bright and early posting his sketch about having friends for dinner. I'll post updates as more creations rise from the slab.

Richard's also kicked off an excellent idea for getting next weeks theme. If you read the sketches but aren't going to compete, comment on Richard's sketch (or mine) with your idea for what the theme should be. Richard will pick a favorite and we'll run with that. If we get no suggestions (or if we fear the suggestions we get) the honors will fall to yours truly.

UPDATE: Looks like we had a suggestion shortage for this week, so theme duties land in my court....therefore our theme for this week is:

Trick OR Treat
(yup....an option scenes incolve a trick, a treat, or both....have at it gents!)

__________________________________________________________

INT. MAD SCIENTISTS LAB
The lab is dimly lit with pools of light falling into near pitch black. Bottles and test tubes filled with glowing liquids are everywhere, Bunsen burners burn, devices that emit loud bright sparks burn and pop, vapors seem to spew from everywhere. DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN, who has a bushy wild mess of white hair and wears a lab coat, long oversized black rubber gloves, and goggles. He moves back and forth between devices and beakers, cackling madly with a heavy Germanic accent. He pours one liquid into another, watches it change color, and then let’s loose the loudest most manic cackle of all.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
(with a German accent)
IT WORKS!!! AT LONG LAST!!! THEY SAID IT COULDN’T BE DONE, BUT I’LL SHOW THEM ALL WHEN I...

JANET walks in from a small door on the side, flips a light switch and bathes the whole lab in warm overhead incandescent light.

JANET
Dr. Heiglschwein - Mrs. Davidson, your 3:30 appointment, is here. Should I send her in?

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN puts down his beakers and pulls his goggles up.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Sure Janet. I was just finishing up. Send her in.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN goes to his desk. JANET ushers in MRS. DAVIDSON, an average looking middle-aged woman, wearing a little too much makeup. JANET then hands the DR. a manila file folder. The DR. offers his hand across the desk

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Mrs. Davidson, welcome. I’ve never seen you before, have I?

MRS. DAVIDSON
No, I’m a referral. Dr. Loudon is my GP.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Ahhhhhhhh....My old nemesis, Dr. Ronald Loudon!!! I’ve never forgiven him for defeating my army of mutated eels right before...

MRS. DAVIDSON
Look, can we cut the crap and get things moving?

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Sorry Mrs. Davidson...just reminiscing.

MRS. DAVIDSON
Well, I’m sorry to be so blunt, but I’m a little fed up right now. I’ve been through 2 doctors, and it took me forever to get referred to a Mad Scientist, since insurance classifies you people as specialists. Then I had to make sure Blue Cross pre-approved me - it’s been a nightmare.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Red tape....always red tape. How may I be of service Mrs. Davidson?

MRS. DAVIDSON
It’s my husband, Walter. He’s dead.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
I see...and how long has he been dead?

MRS. DAVIDSON
Almost a month. He’d been dead less than 24 hours when I first took him in...god damn HMO’s.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Is he here today?

MRS. DAVIDSON
Yes, he’s in the lobby.

The DR. presses a button on his desk intercom

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
(into intercom)
Janet, show Mr. Davidson in.

JANET
(over intercom)
Right away doctor.

The DR. starts looking through the file. The door opens and Janet pushes a coffin through to the middle of the room. JANET looks the wheels on the coffin’s trolley and exits again. The DR. and MRS DAVIDSON walk over to the coffin. The DR opens the coffin, pulls Mr. Davidson’s stiff arm from the coffin, and checks his pulse.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Yessssss, he is dead. What did he die of?

MRS. DAVIDSON
Who knows. He always put off going to the doctor. I kept telling him “some day you’re going to put it off until it’s too late”, but did he listen to me?
(to Mr. Davidson)
NOW LOOK AT YOU WALTER!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE LISTENED!!!

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Ummmmm...., so well preserved, so many possibilities. The things I could do with his corpse. I could...

MRS. DAVIDSON
Look, just bring him back to life, okay? That’s all I’ve got approval from Blue Cross for.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
But there is so much more I could do Mrs. Davidson. Merge his DNA with that of a killer shark, use a nuclear isotope to mutate him into a lethal agent of darkness, implant electrodes into his skull that would make him...

MRS. DAVIDSON
STOP! Just stop right there!!! You blood-sucking doctors are all alike - let’s check this, let’s try that, blah, blah, blah. Look, I had him in bed for a month, gave him extra fluids, chicken soup, vitamins, steamed up the bathroom and sat him in there for 30 minutes every few days - bupkis! I even tried some of those herbal supplements - none of it made him come back to life. I did everything I could think of not to bring him to a doctor, because everytime I do you shysters just run up the expenses on me. Then my health insurance hits me with a big list of what they won’t cover, and I get stuck with a huge bill. So just bring him back to life, or give me a prescription to bring him back to life, and we’ll be out of your hair, okay?

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
But without extreme measures Mrs. Davidson, bringing him back to life could have side effects.

MRS. DAVIDSON
For instance?

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Violent mood swings, cravings for human flesh and brains, irrational fear of fire, things like that.

MRS. DAVIDSON
Those don’t sound to bad to me. We have natural gas logs in the fireplace, and any emotion he shows towards me would be a step up, if you get my drift.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Mrs. Davidson, I am legally required to do everything I can to prevent side effects like that. I don’t want you coming back and suing me for malpractice...

MRS. DAVIDSON
Oh geez...those blood-sucking lawyers are worse than you god damn doctors.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
...and the state could revoke my accreditation if he starts terrorizing the country side.

MRS. DAVIDSON pauses and thinks for a minute, looks around to make sure no one’s watching, then leans in very close across the desk.

MRS. DAVIDSON (CONT)
Look, Dr. Heiglschwein, isn’t there some way we can get around all those legal requirements? Maybe there’s something I have that you want badly enough to trade me for this itty-bitty favor? Hmmmmmm???

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN thinks for a moment....

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
How attached are you to.....his brain?

MRS. DAVIDSON
Not very....Walter was never a great thinker.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Well, I might be willing to sidestep a few precautions if you allowed me to keep his brain....and signed this waver.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN pulls a document from a desk drawer and pushes it across to MRS. DAVIDSON. He pulls a pen out of the breast pocket of his lab coat, clicks it loudly in the silence and sets it down for her to sign.

MRS. DAVIDSON
(picking up the pen)
Thank you Doctor, you’re a life saver. Done and done

MRS. DAVIDSON starts signing the waver as DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN goes back, grabs a power saw goes over to the coffin. Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN’s hands are in the coffin so we can’t see them, but we hear a power saw cutting through something, with a few wet sounds tossed in. Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN sets the power saw down on a bench and pulls a brain out of the coffin. He sets it in a glass jar on the bench as MRS. DAVIDSON comes over.

Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN plugs several cables and tubes into the corpse turns several dials and pushes several buttons. He finally pulls a large blade switch on a wall. The lights go dark, sparks light up everywhere, liquids bubble, lightning crashes, etc. When the Dr. pushes the switch back up, smoke is rising from the coffin. A loud grunt is heard, and a hand punches through the side of the coffin. WALTER, who has a large scar across his forehead sits up, rips the rest of the side off the coffin, then stands. He has a very large and obvious erection in his pants. He sees MRS. DAVIDSON and grunts in anger as he goes to strangle her, arms outstretched.


MRS. DAVIDSON
Oh knock it off Walter.

WALTER stops dead in his tracks, dejected and compliant. Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN comes over, checks WALTER’S heart with a stethoscope.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
He lives!!!

MRS. DAVIDSON
I see that.
(pointing to Walter’s giant erection)
What’s going on with that?

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Oh....a side effect. It often occurs when someone has had rigor mortis too long.

MRS. DAVIDSON
It will eventually go away, right?

Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN nods no. MRS DAVIDSON thinks this over, and comes to the happy conclusion this might have it’s benefits.

MRS. DAVIDSON
(to DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN)
Oh you are good.
(to WALTER)
Walter, we’re going home, right now - get in the car

WALTER frankenstein-walks out the door, his erection leading the way

MRS. DAVIDSON
(back to DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN)
Thank you Doctor. All my girlfriends are going to hear about you!

WALTER grunts excitedly offstage.

MRS. DAVIDSON (CONT)
(to WALTER)
Walter that’s a hydrangea - stop that!!!
(smiling, to the DOCTOR)
He was never this frisky before!
(Back to WALTER as she exits)
I’m coming Walter...let’s go home.

FADE TO BLACK

1 comments:

R.A. Porter said...

Isn't that always the way? Even in death we men are led around by our boxer bumps.