Friday Night Sketch War: Oprah Edition

Yours truly - like many before him - fell under the spell of one Ms. Oprah Gail Winfrey's hypnotic powers. I thought to myself did I, "oh, Oprah would make a great theme for Sketch War. So many topics. So many sketch ideas. This will be great!" She's ephemeral. Like a ghost, or Duke Nukem Forever, just when you think you've got a firm grasp on her she disappears.

• Peter made me throw up in my mouth a little bit with his erotic...fantasies of Big O...
• Coyote reacted to a dog bite and a bee sting with a few of Oprah's favorite things...
• Ken gave us a terrifying glimpse of the future Oprah is giving us.
  

We all struggled this week and weren't able to bring our usual B-games. Still, there are a few chuckles to be had. Next week, in what is hopefully an easier topic, Peter's selected learning something new about history.

If you want to play along, write a sketch and send a link to it to sketchwar at dreamloom.com. And be sure to come back next Friday when we're hoping to have a few new competitors.

FSW: Oprah Edition

Annnnnnnndddd coming in just under the wire...

It's Friday Sketch War....and if you're going to come to a war, it's nice to be fashionably late (hey, it worked for the U.S. in both world wars, right???).

Anyway here's my foray into the world of Oprah...and her friends.

Peter put the Big O in Oprah for us and Richard gave us some lovely homemade gifts

Not sure who's handling our theme for next week, but following Oprah is gonna be a tough act.
But for now.......heeeeeeeerrrrreeeeeee'sssssssss OPRAH!
___________________________________________________________________

INT. OPRAH’S OFFICE - DAY
A large opulent office with pictures of Oprah hanging on every wall. The door opens and here comes the woman herself, followed by her assistant HENRY, who reads off a clipboard.

HENRY
...and Maria confirmed her interview for next Thursday, but she’s coming solo, no Nick. Michelle Obama agreed to write the “First Day as First Lady”article for “O” in January, and she confirmed you have 3 VIP tickets to the inaugural ball.

OPRAH
That’s fabulous Henry. Well done! Thank you so much - you have no idea how much I appreciate everything you do for me.

HENRY
It’s just nice to be part of it all Ms. Winfrey.

OPRAH
Now Henry, you’re my friend...I am never “Ms. Winfrey” to my friends.

HENRY
Alright.....Oprah. Oh heck - I’ll just call you “O”!
(giggles)
I’m going to check on the fundraiser invites - I heard “The Donald” RSVP’d yes this time!

OPRAH
Fabulous Henry. Thank you so much!

HENRY beams as her leaves. OPRAH sits down at her desk and starts going through the various memos and letters sitting there. An electrical crackle is heard outside the door, and light flashes can be seen beneath it. Smoke starts coming under the door right before the door bursts open and T101 walks in carrying an extremely large multi-barreled machine gun. He steps into the room and slams the door closed behind him and locks it.

OPRAH
Excuse me...can I help you?

T101
(in an Austian-accented stiff mechanical voice)
I am a Cyberdyne systems Terminator model 101. I have been sent back in time to terminate you, and stop from destroying the future.

OPRAH
Destroying the future? Honey, are you sure it’s me you’re looking for?

T101
Are you talk show host and media magnate Oprah Winfrey?

OPRAH
Yes, I am.

T101
Then you are the my target. I must destroy you.

OPRAH
Now wait a minute...there must be some mistake. Do you know anything about me?

T101
Oprah Gail Winfrey, born January 29, 1954 in Kosciusko, Mississippi, host of an internationally syndicated talk show, magazine publisher, influential book critic, and philanthropist.

OPRAH
Philanthropist - do you know what that means?

T101
One who actively engages in efforts to promote human welfare through actions and or charitable donations.

OPRAH
Right...I try to help people, with everything I do. My magazine is dedicated to things that make people’s lives better. I recommend books that can positively affect people’s lives. I’ve founded schools. I discovered Dr. Phil. Even my interviews help celebrities deal with issues. I couldn’t possibly hurt people. You must have me confused with someone else.

T101
May 23, 2005 - you interview actor Tom Cruise. Your therapeutic interview style emboldens him to jump up and down on your sofa like a child. Over the next 4 years his inhibitions continue to disappear and he begins making outrageous claims about the healing powers of Scientology. On April 25, 2009, his Scientology powers fully manifest. By the end of 2009, he eradicates all mental illness from the planet and Tom Cruise turns his attention to other illnesses. June 5 2010, Tom Cruise cures the last sick person on the plane. Pharmaceutical companies and health care providers are bankrupted, and the medical-industrial complex is destroyed creating massive financial upheaval. Tom Cruise appoints himself surgeon general of the galaxy then swears undying loyalty to you for unleashing his true potential. He creates an army of scientology-powered healers, placing you in total control of the world’s mental and physical health.

OPRAH
Tom’s little crazy, but disease becomes a thing of the past - that’s amazing! How can that be...

T101
In 2009, the world is on the brink complete financial collapse. The big three American automakers border in complete self-destruction. On May 22nd, 2009, you arrange a secret meeting between yourself and the heads of GM, Ford and Chrysler. Three days later, every household in the world is told to look under their favorite chair. Each finds a key and a note that says “You get a car!”. May 25th, 2009 - millions around the world pick up their free american-made car Gasoline sales soar, and the low Detroit quality standards force all vehicle recipients to seek professional service. Within 30 days, the global economy is booming, and automakers see record profits from replacement parts and mechanics fees. The big 3 automakers and OPEC declare loyalty to you.

OPRAH
Doesn’t sound like there’s anything wrong with that. People who can’t afford cars get them, the world’s economy is fixed, automakers are saved....everyone’s happy.

T101
On August 5th, 2011 the world enters a new ice age. Vehicle emissions block 68% of the earth’s normal sunlight. No one is depressed due to the efforts of Tom Cruise’s Scientology corps.

OPRAH
Okay. I see where that could have been handled better, but I promise that I will...

T101
On November 6th, 2012 Barack Obama wins his second presidential term with 89% of the popular vote. On December 21st, 2012 - the day ancient Mayans predicted would be the end of the world, President Obama gives a press conference outlining his plan to address the ice age. It is preempted by a CNN report showing the Mayan god of death, Cizin, rising from his dormant underground state and laying waste to Mexico city. President Obama takes flight in front of the White House press corps, revealing himself to be a highly advanced robot. He arrives in Mexico City and fights Cizin. He defeats Cizin. Soon after an anonymous source coms forward with proof that he created by scientists working in a secret laboratory at “O” magazine.

OPRAH
That’s impossible...no one knows about that lab...how do you..

T101
I am from the future. President Obama has been acting on your commands for his entire political life. You become the most powerful person on the planet controlling health care, the economy, and the United States. On January 27th, 2012, you are appointed queen of the world. Howard Stern commits suicide. After 20 years, most of the planet is well adjusted, exercising regularly and eating a sensible diet. Anyone who refuses to get in touch with their feelings is hunted down and sent to inner-child rehabilitation camps. A small group of rebels storm the “O” robotics lab, and under poor conditions create the terminators to stop you and your enforcers.

OPRAH
I don’t think you want to stop me...I think you need....

OPRAH dives for her desk and hits a button. A panel in the wall behind her opens up, and Dr. Phil marches out with a large gun

DR. PHIL
...a big dose of reality son!

T101 fires and blows Dr. Phil’s head off. It sputters and sparks.

T101
I was forewarned about your Dr. Phil robot. Now, I must kill you.

OPRAH
Wait....you don’t have to be this way, a mindless killer. There’s a part of you that feels regret and sorrow for me.

T101
I have now feelings. I am a machine. Your therapeutic questioning cannot affect me.

OPRAH
Alright. You know yourself best. Just let me give you a last present - a book I’m reviewing.

OPRAH picks up a book off her desk and tosses it to T101

T101
(reading the book title)
“You Are Not A Machine - reclaiming your humanity”. You’re attempt at distraction is wasted on....
(pausing as he skims through the book)
I have felt alone like this....how the author know?

OPRAH has pulled out a bazooka from under her desk and she shoots T101 with it. He explodes in a ball fire. Parts fall smoldering everywhere. The phone on the desk buzzes. OPRAH picks it up.

HENRY (on phone)
O? What was that noise? Are you alright?

OPRAH
I’m fine Henry. It was just another terminator. Have security check that time-travel shield around the building, I don’t think it’s working. And have the lab send up another Dr. Phil ASAP.

HENRY (on phone)
Right away O.

OPRAH hangs up the phone, then redials

OPRAH
Barack - this is Big O...access code 41542. Activate Mayan God combat protocols...we’re going to update your database.

FADE OUT

FSW: Oprah's Favorite Things

Holy crap. I swear, when I thought of Oprah last week, I had visions of sketches writing themselves. So many ideas filled my head: Oprah as a cruel taskmaster; Oprah as an international spy; Oprah giving hitmen assignments with envelopes under their seats. Those ideas? They don't work. Nothing worked. I was going to do a dinner party where Steadman was the butler? Crap. Everything crap.

Then I realized I really needed to take Oprah *out* of the sketch.

This isn't comedy gold, but I think it's alright. As for the products mentioned...thank you Wikipedia!

Peter's sketch is up already - and is both funny and disturbing. I credit him for reminding me that Oprah permeates our culture. Of course, I won't be crediting him when I have nightmares tonight. No word yet from anyone else, but come on back for the recap this weekend.

Oprah's Favorite Things

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

MAYBELLE and her guests JO, JOLLY, and AMY sit in the cleanest, classiest, brightest doublewide in town. JOSH GROBAN'S "NOEL" plays in the background. The women are all in their late-30s to late-40s and well turned out. A careful observer might notice they're all wearing the same RACHEL PALLY SWING TURTLENECK AND SAILOR PANTS. The truly observant might see the matching UGG BOOTS and TOYWATCH CRYSTAL WATCHES. That observer would be very much like these women if she knew the significance of that.

JO

These cookies are fantastic, Maybelle.

MAYBELLE

Thanks, Jo. I found the recipe in last month's "O" and just whipped them up in my KitchenAid Artisan Mixer.

JOLLY

The cookies are good, but this sorbetto is to die for. Ciao Bella?

MAYBELLE

Of course! Is there any other?

The ladies all laugh. Amy picks up a dog-eared book. It's a copy of KEN FOLLET'S "THE PILLARS OF THE EARTH". She flips through it.

AMY

Jack's dreamy.

The ladies all sigh.

MAYBELLE

Oh, oh! It's time!

Maybelle picks up a remote and mutes the music. She turns up the TV. OPRAH'S THEME MUSIC plays. Jolly mans a SONY NOTEBOOK. Jo and Amy have pencils, paper, and BLACKBERRIES ready.

OPRAH (O.S.)

These are my favorite things...with a twist! Today, we're going to learn how to have the thriftiest holiday ever!

MAYBELLE

Uh-oh...

OPRAH (O.S.)

In a time of such economic trouble and uncertainty, I can't in good conscience give away lavish gifts. Instead I'm going to show you some do-it-yourself gift ideas for the holidays.

Jo's cellphone rings. She answers and immediately pulls the phone from her ear. We hear...

STEFFI (O.S.)

There's nothing under my goddamn seat! No gift basket! Nothing here!

(muted, to someone at her location)

No! No, I will NOT calm down! I didn't ride 13 hours on a Greyhound bus for macaroni frames and hugs!

Sounds of a scuffle, coming through the phone and the TV. Then silence. Maybelle turns off the TV.

AMY

"Gratitude boxes?"

JOLLY

Great. What am I supposed to wear for the next year? This turtleneck?

JO

I love you guys.

MAYBELLE

Can it, Jo.

JO

No, I mean it. If Oprah thinks we should cut back, maybe we should. I'm still paying off my Dell 30" Wide-Screen LCD TV.

JOLLY

That was from 2004!

JO

I know. Ricky had to take an extra shift just to keep us from losing the Taurus.

AMY

I hate Scrabble!

JOLLY

I don't understand you guys. Just because Oprah says we should cut back, you're going to cut back? That makes no sense. I mean, if she told you to buy something useless, would you?

MAYBELLE

You watch a lot of shows on that LG HDTV refrigerator at your place?

JOLLY

Sometimes!

JO

Look, I can't keep up anymore. I think Oprah's right. This year, I'm giving out handmade gifts.

AMY

Me too.

MAYBELLE

So am I. Jolly?

JOLLY

Alright. Fine. Let's put something else on. I don't feel like talking much right now.

Maybelle picks up the remote and clicks away. She stops and we hear...

ANNOUNCER (O.S.)

Doors open at midnight Thursday with low-low prices throughout the store. Don't be late for the After Thanksgiving Sales Event at Wal-Mart!

The women look lustfully at the TV, and then each other.

MAYBELLE

I'll bring the coffee. Amy, bring lawn chairs.

BLACKOUT:

FSW: Oprah Edition (Peter's Entry)

Friday Sketch War
Oprah Edition
"No Accounting for Taste"

FADE IN:

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

A typical college apartment. MATTHEW (uptight college kid) sits on a couch, picks up a remote, and uses it to turn on an entertainment center. A Pirates of the Caribbean DVD case sits nearby.

ON TV

Oprah Winfrey's talk show returns from commercial. The TV chiron reads, "I can't control my teenage daughters!"

BACK ON MATTHEW

Matthew picks up the DVD case, puzzled. Looks at it, looks at the TV. Meanwhile, we hear the AUDIO from the TV...

OPRAH (O.S., TV)

Sandra, what's the real problem you've had with your mom?

SANDRA (O.S., TV)

Mom doesn't like that my sister and I just can't keep our hands off each other.

PORN MUSIC kicks in.

Matthew is intrigued.

OPRAH (O.S., TV)

Hey... mind if I join you?

Matthew lets out a little YELP of alarm and turns off the TV.

INT. CHASE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Typical messy undergrad bedroom. CHASE (mellow college kid) lies in bed. His outfit includes a belt.

The room has a shelf of DVDs and two doors: one (closed) door leads to a closet, and one (open) door leads to the hallway. A wig and a magazine sit on the floor.

Matthew tentatively enters from the hallway, holding a DVD labeled "Oprah: The Lost Nastysodes".

MATTHEW

Chase, I think you got a couple of DVDs swapped.

Chase gets up, picks up the DVD.

CHASE

Ooh. Yeah, that's mine.

Chase thumbs through the DVDs on the shelf. Matthew looks on.

MATTHEW

Chase, is that all Oprah-themed...

CHASE

It's Oprah porn. What?

MATTHEW

That's kind of a lot of it, isn't it?

CHASE

It's just the classy stuff.

(off the DVD)

These guys, they get the show down, and their Oprah impersonator is just -- mmm!

MATTHEW

Oh. That's good. Can I have my Pirates DVD back?

CHASE

You like this stuff? 'cos if you want to get into Oprah porn...

Chase opens the closet door, the inside of which features a bikini pinup with Oprah's head crudely pasted on top of it.

CHASE

... I'm your guy.

MATTHEW

Oh god.

CHASE

Nothin' to be ashamed of.

Chase picks up the magazine, hands it to Matthew -- the title reads "OhhhhhHHH! The magazine of Oprah-themed Adult Entertainment".

CHASE

See? It's a whole industry.

MATTHEW

That's not right.

CHASE

Wait, I thought you liked The Color Purple.

MATTHEW

Yeah, but -- wait, didn't I loan you my copy?

CHASE

Want it back?

Chase rummages through his bedsheets.

MATTHEW

No. I just want to watch Pirates of the Caribbean!

Matthew trips on the wig. Sees it. Picks it up.

MATTHEW

This is an Oprah wig.

Chase crosses to the hallway door, closes it.

CHASE

I don't use it for anything weird.

Matthew drops the wig.

MATTHEW

Ew!

CHASE

Don't judge!

MATTHEW

But Oprah is like America's mom!

CHASE

(aw, yeah)

I know.

Chase walks away from the hall door, revealing:

A poster of an animé tentacle monster, again with Oprah's face pasted on.

Matthew freezes.

CHASE

Can't look away, can you?

Matthew exits in a hurry, and SLAMS the door behind him.

CHASE

Whew. Dodged that bullet.

He pulls out a remote, presses a button.

The Oprah posters roll up to reveal similar pin-ups with Matthew's head posted on them.

Chase puts on the wig. Takes off the belt.

CHASE

It's fun time.

Matthew re-enters.

MATTHEW

Look, Chase, could I just get my DVD --

Matthew sees the new closet poster. Sees the wig. Sees the belt.

CHASE

Hi.

Matthew exits.

BLACKOUT.

Peter's Commentary on the 'Horrible Family Holidays' Edition

[Catching up on blogposts, now that I've recovered from the Dance Weekend That Ate My Life.]

Just thought I'd put up some thoughts on the most recent Sketch War.

Ken Robertson's entry: laughed aloud at "No 'Christians and Heathens', okay?" / "Awwww.". I liked the payoff at the end -- possibly could have trimmed the number of awkward moments leading up to it, though Priscilla's drunken pass at Massotihan was a great über-embarrassing exchange.

R. A. Porter's entry: Ow! Ow ow ow ow! These aren't my memories, but it's like they are my memories! My painful, painful memories! Ow!

With regards to my own entry, I'm mostly just proud that I managed to pound *something* out on time. I spent Tuesday fishing for a topic, scribbled out some ideas on Wednesday, and carved out an hour or two from Friday night -- in the thick of ALX -- to lock myself in a little room until the pages were finished. Things I liked: simple sketch concept, wrote with clear characters in mind, invented a puppet troupe. Things I didn't like: random ending (why would Katie flee the scene?), should have pushed the jokes to be more surreal and out-there, and I put an emotional tilt into a comedy sketch, which is kind of wrong. (Sketch comedy isn't about emotional arcs -- the structure is more like "funny. Funny. FUNNY! done.")

Oh, and I screwed up on the topic: I mis-read it as "horrible family gatherings", came up with my sketch, and then realized it was "horrible family holidays". Then I shoehorned some Christmas decorations into the stage directions. (That's the magic of screenwriting, kids! Change the time of year just by typing a few extra words!)

Lord knows how I'll come up with a sketch on the topic of "Oprah".

Friday Night Sketch War: Horrible Holidays Edition

The battle continues apace; tonight we're joined by a new warrior. Fresh-faced and unscathed from previous battles, will Peter Rogers kill or cower, fight or flee?

This week's theme is brought to us by one of our legion of fans: horrible family holidays.

• Coyote - just like Han damn it! - shot first, with flaming egg rolls of doom...
• Ken takes us back to the second Thanksgiving and pelts us with maize on the cob...
• Peter picks a peck of pickled puppeteers to swing their marionettes of doom!
  

Next week, in honor of the orgy of food and retail shopping, the theme will be...Oprah!!!

If you want to play along, write a sketch and send a link to it to sketchwar at dreamloom.com. And be sure to come back on Friday for fun, fun, fun!

FSW: Horrible Family Holidays Edition (Peter's Entry)

Friday Sketch War
Horrible Family Holidays Edition
"Ted's Wake"

FADE IN:

INT. ELEVATOR LOBBY - NIGHT

KATIE (27, black formalwear) paces in a posh elevator lobby, going over a handwritten speech.

CROWD NOISES emanate from a closed door. Beside the door hangs a poster with a black-and-white photo of a scowling old man reads, "In Memoriam: Ted Reynaldo". Beside the poster sits a chair.

Christmas decorations adorn the walls.

HOMER (23, black suit) breezes in through the door.

HOMER

Katie! 'sup!

No repsonse.

HOMER

Dad says it's time to do the thing --

The elevator BINGS. The door opens.

KATIE

Dad can wait. I --

And in the elevator, is --

HOMER

Sandra!

-- SANDRA (23), pretty and cheerful. She and Homer kiss. Homer points her at the room.

HOMER

I'll be there in a second.

Sandra heads in.

Off of Katie's look --

HOMER

I met her last week. She's, like, this really cool --

KATIE

And you invited her to Uncle Ted's wake?

Homer just grins.

KATIE

(to herself)

Do I do the prayer --

The elevator BINGS.

KATIE

-- or just go straight to the speech?

A small crowd of people pile out of the elevator, carrying what look like Muppets.

HOMER

'sup, guys!

PUPPETEERS

'sup, Homer!

They go into the room. Off of Katie's look --

HOMER

Sandra's, like, part of this puppeteering troupe.

KATIE

What?

HOMER

They do puppet shows.

KATIE

No. Why are they here?

HOMER

I guess Sandra invited them.

The NOISE from the room gets louder, more festive.

KATIE

Did you actually tell any of these people this was a wake?

Elevator BINGS.

HOMER

I -- hmm. I said it was catered. I definitely said it was a Christmas party.

KATIE

Oh god.

HOMER

Well technically, it's a party, and it's Christmastime, right?

A couple of DELIVERYMEN show up, pushing kegs on dollies.

DELIVERYMAN

Um -- the Puppet Place Players?

HOMER

In there.

DELIVERYMAN

Cool.

They join the wake.

The NOISE from the wake gets louder. MARIACHI MUSIC starts up.

HOMER

I guess I sort of told Sandra she could invite people, and they invited people --

The elevator BINGS. A MOTLEY ASSORTMENT OF PARTYGOERS spill out.

HOMER

'sup guys -- it's in there.

The partygoers cheer, join the wake.

KATIE

Who are they?

Homer shrugs. Off of that --

KATIE

I can't believe you did this to me! I --

Stops. Goes to the door. Looks in the room. Returns to Homer.

KATIE

Mariachis? How did they even get in?

HOMER

Oh, there's this freight elevator, and it's awesome, like this moving cavern, and --

Katie collapses in the chair, distraught.

HOMER

What?

KATIE

I know I didn't exactly like the guy, and I know I'd rather cram things under my fingernails than give this big speech about how great he was, but I got stuck with putting this together and I just want to do one thing right for this family! Is that so much to ask?! And then you go and --

The elevator BINGS yet again, the doors open --

KATIE

OH GOOD GOD WHAT NOW?!

-- and Katie finds herself face to face with a POLICE OFFICER standing in the elevator doorway.

Awkward pause.

HOMER

'sup, officer? My sister's kind of off her meds.

KATIE

Meds?!

POLICE OFFICER

We've had a noise complaint.

KATIE

Oh. Oh! Yeah, they're right in there.

POLICE OFFICER

Thanks.

The officer crosses to the door, opens it.

Meanwhile, Katie darts into the elevator. She drags Homer in after her. The elevator closes.

POLICE OFFICER

Puppets!

The officer joins the wake.

FADE OUT.

FSW: Horrible Family Holiday edition

Happy almost-Thanksgiving everyone!

This weeks theme was:

horrible family holidays

It was graciously provided by @tjonsek, who suggested it on Richard's blog. Speaking of Richard, he took us out for a lovely Holiday dinner in New York for his salvo.

I decided to examine the origins of Holiday drama in America.

And...if you'd like to suggest a theme for next week, , leave it in comments here, or on one of the other blogs.

Meanwhile, in the early 1600's......

___________________________________________________________________

INT. RUSTIC PILGRIM LODGE - DAY
We’re inside a cabin in Plymouth in the days of the pilgrims. The furniture is all rough hewn wood, and various herbs are hanging from the ceiling drying. There’s a knock on the front door and MILES enters, dressed in full traditional pilgrim garb.

MILES
The pie looks fine. Just scrape the charred part off the top and no one will know the difference.

MILES answers the door. Two American Indians in traditional garb, MASSOTIHAN and his wife POWANIQUA stand in the doorway carrying a few baskets. The sounds of squealing children can be heard outside behind them.

MILES
Heeeeeyyyy!!! Masso! What’s up, my savage?

MILES and MASSOTIHAN go through and elaborate macho handshake \ chest bump \ grunting ritual

MILES (CONT)
Happy Second Thanksgiving Buddy!
(to PRISCILLA offstage)
Hey Babycakes, shake a leg...the Moonwolves are here!

PRISCILLA (O.S.)
Coming.

MILES
Come on in...make yourselves at home.
(shouting out the front door)
Hey Tobias, Dorothy...play nice with the Moonwolf kids, okay? No “Christians and heathens”, okay?

CHILDREN
(from off)
Awwwwwww

MILES
(closes the door)
Wow....it’s getting cold out there. Fucking Plymouth huh? Love the foliage, hate the cold.

MASSOTIHAN
Try living in a tent in this crap. Why you white guys wanted to have the first Thanksgiving outside last year is a mystery to me.

MILES
Hey....we’re European, we never spent any time outside before coming here. We were all hopped up on the “we escaped religious persecution AND survived our first year in the new world” thing, know what I mean? Any problems getting here?

POWANIQUA
We would have been here 30 minutes ago if someone wasn’t absolutely positive it was a left at the burned out oak.

POWANIQUA shoots a glare at MASSOTIHAN

MASSOTIHAN
I’ve only rode over here once before, and that was in spring.

MILES
(to POWANIQUA)
You must be Mrs. Moonwolf. I’m Miles Dogood. It’s nice to finally meet you. Masso talks about you whenever we’re in a hunting party together.

MILES shakes POWANIQUA’s hand

POWANIQUA
Just call me ‘Pow’. We’ll be here all day if you always use my full name.

MILES
Nice furs...can I take those for you?

MASSOTIHAN and POWANIQUA take off their fur wraps and hand them to MILES, who takes them offstage. MASSOTIHAN and POWANIQUAN set their parcels of food on the table.

MASSOTIHAN
I tell ya’, you white guys sure don’t know shit about wilderness living, but you got that the naming thing right. Short first name, long last name, call everyone by their first name - if that’s too long you just call someone by an even shorter version of their name...so much easier than these long-ass indian names. Just role call for tribal council meetings takes 4 hours.

MILES re-enters and walks over to see what’s on the table.

MILES
Mmmmm...smells good. Corn?

POWANIQUA
Maize.

MILES
Oh right...sorry....forgot.

MASSOTIHAN
There’s maize bread, creamed maize, and maize on the cob. She’s been cooking all week.

MILES
That’s very nice of you Pow. You shouldn’t have gone to all that trouble.

PRISCILLA enters, carrying a mug. She appears to be a little tipsy.

PRISCILLA
(to MILES)
I’ve been cooking all week too...don’t remember hearing you say I shouldn’t go to all that trouble.

MILES
Hey honey...you remember Massotihan Moonwolf, from the hunting parties?

PRISCILLA
Oh yeah...you ride horses with your shirt off, right?

MASSOTIHAN
Sometimes, in summer. It can get hot on those hunts.

PRISCILLA
Oh I bet it does...you get pretty sweaty too. Do you workout, or are you just naturally muscular?
MASSOTIHAN
I play a lot of lacrosse.

PRISCILLA
So you’re good with a long stick huh?

MILES
(ushering PRISCILLA away from MASSOTIHAN)
And this is his wife Powaniqua - ‘Pow’ for short.

PRISCILLA
Well aren’t you a cute young thing...Pow, WOW! HAHAHA

MILES
Let’s have a seat while dinner finishes cooking.

PRISCILLA
“Pow Wow”...get it? God that’s funny.

MILES
(to PRISCILLA)
I think you’ve had enough ale, turtledove.

MILES tries to take PRISCILLA’s mug away

PRISCILLA
Just try it.

MILES backs off and sits down. An uneasy quiet settles over the room. Priscilla makes a few subtle flirty gestures towards MASSOTIHAN, who looks uncomfortable. When MILES sees her she looks indignant, and just sips more ale. POWANIQUA shoots a few looks at MASSOTIHAN who gives her an “it’s not my fault” gesture right back.

MASSOTIHAN
Something smells good. Wild turkey?

MILES
Oh yeah....big bastard too. Shot it myself...just me and the old blunderbus, snuck up on that big bird and BLAMMO!!! One roaster.

PRISCILLA
(to herself)
Only retarded turkey in Massachusetts.

MILES
What’s happening in the Wampanoag camp these days?

MASSOTIHAN
My father-in-law is running for chief again.

POWANIQUA
It’d be Daddy’s third term.

MILES
Nice.

MASSOTIHAN
He keeps saying he can get me on the tribal council, but I don’t know if I’m cut out for politics.

MILES
I’m with you there....I’m more a man of action myself.

PRISCILLA
Action my ass.

MILES
The church...that’s where the big money is, if you’re a self starter. Go out, convert people, build a congregation, develop your own zealots. Great franchise opportunities.

PRISCILLA
Miles could have been a town elder by now, but SOMEONE didn’t want to burn that witch last May.

MILES
They never proved she was a witch.

PRISCILLA
They threw her in a river and she floated! Helllloooooo!!!

MILES
It was a stream...it was six inches deep!

PRISCILLA
Pussy.

POWANIQUA
Europeans have really mixed feelings about magic, don’t they? We’ve always been supportive of magic people like our medicine man...

PRISCILLA
Just butt of out this, Missy Pow-Now-Brown-Cow, okay?

POWANIQUA
I was just saying...

PRISCILLA
Zip-it, you skinny buckskin-wearing bitch.

POWANIQUA
Well...I never....I.....

POWANIQUA runs out the front door crying.

MASSOTIHAN
Honey, wait....

MASSOTIHAN runs after her

PRISCILLA
Forget the whiny squaw, Squanto. Mama’s got your spirit quest right here!

MILES
Priscilla!

PRISCILLA
(running over to the door shouting after MASSOTIHAN)
Once you go white, you never go back!!!

MILES
PRISCILLA!!!

PRISCILLA
I'll give you something to be thankful for...lets' lose that nobility, noble savage!
(clapping hand over her mouth like an indian war whoop)
Whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo

MILES
Priscilla close that door and get over here right now or I will get the god damned village exorcist, I shit you not!!

PRISCILLA shuts the door and walks back into the room, and sits.

MILES (CONT)
Every time...EVERY time you get a little too much ale in you, you get mean and completely out of control.

PRISCILLA
I’m sorry. I don’t know what got into me. It’s just the holidays...I start missing my family, civilized cities, currency, not having bears in the front yard....

MILES
I know honey.

PRISCILLA
And we haven’t been...fruitful...in so long.

MILES
We live in a one bedroom cabin with 2 kids and no doors Priscilla.

PRISCILLA
I know. It just gets to me sometimes.

MILES hugs her.

MILES
Look....why don’t you go make some tea, and let the ale wear off a bit, okay? I’ll go find Masso and Pow and make peace, and then we’ll all have a great Thanksgiving dinner, okay? And after, we’ll figure out how soon we can build a second bedroom.

PRISCILLA
Alright honey. I’m sorry. Really.

MILES hugs PRISCILLA again, then she goes off into the kitchen. The front door opens and MASSOTIHAN re-enters, the sounds of screaming kids playing behind him. MILES runs to the door and shouts out.

MILES
(to the kids outside)
HEY!!! KEEP IT DOWN OUT THERE!!! YOU SOUND LIKE A BUNCH OF WILD INDIANS!!!!

MASSOTIHAN gives MILES a pissed off look

MILES
It’s just an expression.

MASSOTIHAN
Sure....no problem. I tell my kids all the time to stop acting like anal-retentive puritans.

MILES
Okay...sorry. I’ll never say that again, okay? Truce?

MASSOTIHAN nods

MILES (CONT)
How’s Pow?

MASSOTIHAN
She’s pissed but she'll be fine...she’ll be back, she just needs a few minutes.

MILES
Good...Priscilla’s sobering up in the kitchen. Look, I’m sorry about all this.

MILES closes the door. MILES and MASSOTIHAN sit down exhausted in the room.

MILES
I thought we’d squeezed all the drama out of this holiday last year, at the first one.

MASSOTIHAN
Nope. Trust me - we’ve had feasts for thousands of years. There’s always been drama at these damn things. The elders tell tales of holiday drama passed down from the last ice age.

MILES
Does it ever get better?

MASSOTIHAN
Nope. People keep trying though. Year after year...”maybe this year will be different”....”maybe next year will be different”. But it never will be.

MILES
So how do you guys get through these things without going nuts?

MASSOTIHAN looks around to see if anyone’s looking, then pulls a peace pipe out of his tunic.

MASSOTIHAN
Let’s just celebrate the harvest brother....know what I mean?

MILES
Harvest?

MASSOTIHAN
Hell yeah....had a bumper crop of Cape Cod Wowee, you feel me?

MILES
Now you’re talkin’ my red skinned brother. Let’s sneak out back and make some peace.

MASSOTIHAN and MILES get up, do a fist bump and head out the front door

MILES (CONT)
Oh Lord, we thank thee DEEPLY for this bounty we are about to receive....

FADE OUT.

FSW: Chinatown Christmas

Blogging buddy @tjonsek suggested this week's theme in comments: horrible family holidays. I didn't have to reach too deep into my bag of painful, poorly suppressed memories to pull this sketch out. Still rubs me raw.

You know of course that comedy often requires painting in broad strokes and exaggerating. Comedy in real life is much more subtle because people aren't caricatures. That's good, right? I mean, it would *suck* if there were actually people like these in the real world. Can you imagine actually having a mother like Miriam? Can you imagine the psychic damage that would do? Can you imagine how twisted that would make someone?

Come back later for a recap with links to the other sketches and information on submitting for next week. And if you've got a theme you'd like to see us try out for next week, leave it in comments here, or on one of the other blogs when their sketches are up.

Chinatown Christmas

INT. CAR - DAY

The rain is pouring from the leaden sky in buckets on an unseasonably warm Christmas day. NOAH, late 20s, attentively pilots a sturdy SUV through heavy New York traffic. His father GERRY, 50s and balding, rides shotgun offering "helpful" tips. In the back sit MIRIAM, the matriarch of the ROSEN clan, looking older and feebler than her mid-50s warrant, HANNAH, Noah's college-age sister, and in the middle, BECKY. With her perky nose, blond hair, and blue eyes, Noah's fiancee looks as out of place as a slice of ham between two pieces of marble rye.

MIRIAM

Hop Kee is good. You liked Hop Kee last time, right Gerry?

GERRY

That's the one with the Hot and Sour I like--

MIRIAM

--No. That's Congee. Hop Kee's the one where the hostess always gives you the extra shrimp roll, like I'm not supposed to know she's flirting?

NOAH

Ma, we're going to Wo Hop, right?

MIRIAM

Yeah, yeah. I was just saying, Hop Kee's good too. You should ever decide to come back and visit, we could go there, nu? It's just down the street.

NOAH

Ma, we're visiting right now.

Miriam pats Becky on the knee.

MIRIAM

And we're so glad the two of you are here. Aren't we glad, Gerry?

GERRY

Yeah, sure.

(on traffic)

You want the right lane. It's clearer. You can get around two, maybe three of these

(yelling, as though the other drivers can hear)

slowpokes!

Noah moves aggressively to the right and accelerates. He is his father's son.

BECKY

Hannah. What are you taking next semester?

HANNAH

Sight and Sound Studio and Documentary, the Femme Fatale in the films of Roman Polanski, and Spanish.

GERRY

My little baby's going to be a big filmmaker someday.

HANNAH

Dad...

GERRY

Going to walk down that red carpet.

HANNAH

Dad...

MIRIAM

Muriel Goldstein's boy wanted to be in pictures. But he's still waiting tables, waiting to be a star. Breaks poor Muriel's heart. He could have gone to Columbia Medical School, but that wasn't good enough for him.

NOAH

Barry Goldstein failed high school biology. Three times.

MIRIAM

I'm just saying--

HANNAH

--You're just saying I'm going to fail, aren't you ma?

MIRIAM

Of course not, dear. I just think you could get a law degree first, and then try with your moviemaking. Is it too much to ask that one of my babies doesn't go hungry?

NOAH

Ma! I'm not going hungry. I'm doing just fine.

GERRY

(on traffic)

You're taking the Cross Island?

NOAH

Yeah, that's the way I always go.

GERRY

Well, that's a fine way, I guess, but the Van Wyck's faster. But you're driving. Don't mind me.

(beat)

The middle lane's open.

MIRIAM

Becky!

Becky jumps. Her attempt to become invisible failed.

BECKY

Yes, ma'am?

MIRIAM

Don't call me ma'am, dear. Just call me Miriam. Or mom. Is it too soon for that?

BECKY

No, ma'am. I mean Miriam. I mean...

GERRY

You're spooking the poor girl, Miriam.

MIRIAM

What? I just told her to call me 'mom'. I'm welcoming. Who's spooking?

HANNAH

You are. I don't even want to call you 'mom' most of the time.

GERRY

The turn for the Van Wyck is coming up if you change your mind.

BECKY

How much longer?

EXT. STREET - DAY

The buckets of rain have turned to barrelfuls. Gerry, Miriam, and Hannah stand under Gerry's huge umbrella, trying to stay dry, as they talk to Noah through the window.

GERRY

You know where the garage is, right? Two blocks down and one over. You sure you don't want me to park it?

NOAH

No, that's alright. You three go in and get us a table. Becky and I will be back in a few.

GERRY

You want the umbrella, at least?

NOAH

Uh, it looks like it's clearing up.

Lightning splits the sky.

INT. CAR - DAY

Noah rolls up the window and pulls from the curb.

NOAH

I figured you could use a few minutes to catch your breath before dinner.

BECKY

Thanks. How do you do it?

NOAH

What?

BECKY

Not be crazy?

INT. RESTAURANT LOBBY - DAY

There's a small crowd at the front desk. Miriam pushes her way to the front.

MIRIAM

Excuse me? Excuse me?! Can we get some help, please?

HOSTESS

How many?

MIRIAM

Excuse me?

HOSTESS

How many in your party?

MIRIAM

Five.

HOSTESS

20 minutes.

Miriam ponders for a second and then...

MIRIAM

Come on. Let's go to Hop Kee.

HANNAH

But Noah and Becky are expecting us to be here.

MIRIAM

We talked about both. He's a smart boy. He'll figure it out.

INT. RESTAURANT - DAY

Hop Kee. Noah and Becky are soaked through. Miriam, Gerry, and Hannah sit in front of many plates of demolished food.

NOAH

I thought we were meeting at Wo Hop?

MIRIAM

We talked about both, nu?

BLACKOUT:

Friday Night Sketch War: Autumn Edition

A two-man grapple in Sketch Stadium this week, as Coyote challenges Ken. Last week's secret ingredient was autumn. In Battle Autumn, whose cuisine sketch reigns supreme?!

• Coyote takes a ride in the country. The country of death...
• Ken examines the short, sharp, brutal lives of those in their golden years.

Next week's theme, provided in comments by @tjonsek, is horrible family holidays.

If you want to play along, write a sketch and send a link to it to sketchwar at dreamloom.com. And be sure to come back on Friday for fun, fun fun. 

FSW: Autumn Edition

Nothing like coming in under the wire! This week got unexpectedly crazy, but neither corporate machinations, travel plans, unexpected improv workouts nor the cranky elderly can keep me from my appointed sketch!!!

Richard gave us "Autumn" as our theme for the week - and Autumn years was what jumped to mind. So below is my ode to "raging against the dying of the light". Richard gave us a lovely trip through the Autumn foliage. No word from other combtants yet.

Theme duties will probably fall to me...unless you've got a theme you'd like to see us try out for next week, leave it in comments here, or on one of the other blogs when their sketches are up (no pressure :).

________________________________________________________________

INT. RETIREMENT HOME COMMON ROOM - DAY
JESSIE sits in a comfy chair next to her grandfather, WILBUR, well into his 80’s. A walker is also nearby.

JESSSIE
(showing WILBUR a photo)
And this was when we went to that petting zoo out near Sturbridge, Grandpa. Danny just loved those goats.

WILBUR
You know, ke looks so much like your dad at that age. He’s 3 now?

JESSSIE
Three and a half...and he makes sure everyone knows about the half.

WILBUR
He’s adorable. I want to see him more soon, when my hip is better and I...

2 elderly men and one woman, (ED, LES, and FANNY) all wearing red bandanas, roll by slowly in pimped-out wheelchairs (glow lights, spinners on the wheels, bass-thumping Sinatra songs, etc). Each has a can of Ensure in their wheelchair cupholder, and they sip it from time to time like taking a hit off a forty. They stare at WILBUR and JESSIE as slowly roll by. WILBUR takes notice as Jessie pulls out another photo.

JESSSIE
(pulling out another photo)
Oh...and here he is pulling the goat’s tail.

WILBUR starts to get up

WILBUR
Listen honey, you need to go....now.

JESSSIE
I just got here Grandpa Wilbur.

WILBUR
I know, I’m sorry...I’ll look at those pictures another time, but right now you’ve got to go.

JESSSIE
Is something wrong Grandpa?

WILBUR
Shut up and leave...now...please!!!

JESSSIE
Oh...okay. I’ll email you the rest of those photos Grandpa Wilbur.

WILBUR
Fine...whatever...

JESSIE starts to leave through a side door, looking back at WILBUR as she goes. Just as she gets to the door, LES wheels in and blocks her way.

LES
Going somewhere, missy??

LES wheels in slowly herding JESSIE back into the room. JESSIE goes for another aide door, where FANNY pulls in blocking her way.

FANNY
No hurry, child....sit a spell....

FANNY wheels forward herding Jessie into the middle of the room as well. So JESSIE tries to exit through the upstage door. ED wheels in to block her.

ED
Well, well, well....looks like Wilbur has himself a visitor.

ED herds JESSIE back into the room. LES and FANNY join him, and the three starting wheeling in a circle around JESSIE.

WILBUR
That’s my granddaughter E-Dog. She’s just leaving.

ED
Nonsense...pretty little thing like that. I bet she has all kinds of stories to share about your great grandkids. Have a seat my dear.

JESSSIE
I think I really should be going.

ED pulls out an automatic handgun.

ED
Respect your elders bitch, or I will pop a cap in your ass, you feel me?

JESSIE sees the gun and slowly sits back down in the comfy chair. LES and FANNY laugh, in phlegmy elderly way.

ED
There now, isn’t that better.

WILBUR
Look E-Dog, I was going to find you right after Jessie left.

ED
Here that posse....Wilbur was just gonna come see us. Ain’t that convenient.

FANNY
Sounds like he’s fibbing to me E-Dog.

JESSSIE
Exuse me, but who are you people.

LES
Watch your tone, missy. You don’t know who you’re messing with.

ED
We’re the E-Wing Incontinentals.

FANNY
The toughest gang in Shady Oaks.

LES
Tougher than the Cripples or the Bleeders.

ED
We run this place. And your Grandpa here is behind on his tributes to us.

JESSSIE
Look if it’s money you want...

ED
What we gonna do with money in here, huh? We can’t buy nothin’, cause there ain’t no place to buy nothin’.

LES
We need something better than money...something with some real purchasing power, something we can trade inside.

FANNY
Butterscotches.

ED
Butterscotch is the really currency in hear...you want afghans, slippers, extra pudding, knitted slippers....butterscotch is gold baby.

LES
Word

WILBUR
Look E-Dog, I was going to get some...my hip is just taking longer to heal than I thought, that’s all.

ED
You got a visitor right there Wilbur....you couldn’t phone and have her bring some?

FANNY
Like a big bag...Walgreen’s has them on sale.

LES
$3.99 for 3.

ED
Yeah Wilbur...how come you didn’t ask her to bring some?

JESSSIE
He’s diabetic. I would never bring him candy unless it was that sugar free kind.

LES
Sugar free tastes like shit.

FANNY
Gives me the toots.

JESSSIE
Are you seriously waving a gun at people demanding butterscotches? Are you insane.

LES
Watch yourself missy!

FANNY
Respect your elders, girly girl!

JESSSIE
How about earning my respect. You should know better than to point a gun at someone. You pull that on the wrong person and you could get killed.

ED
So what. We ain’t got no future in here.

LES
Damn straihgt E-dog.

ED
We got what, 10, 20 years left to live? Live fast...

FANNY
As fast as you can without hurting yourself

ED
Die young.

LES
Younger

ED
Leave a beautiful corpse

FANNY
Leave A corpse.

JESSSIE
Now wait...you three have lived long lives and someone who cares very deeply about you put you here where you’d have the best care possible...

ED
Bullshit....the whole world has dissed us. Once you’re our age, you don’t got respect, and you don’t got a future....so you gots to live in the now...

FANNY
And in the butterscotch....

ED
Cause there may be no tomorrow.

LES
Word

ED draws the gun and points it at JESSIE again.

ED
And with the gun, I get your undivided attention and respect. People say respect your elders, but ain’t nobody respectin’ elders.

FANNY takes her can of Ensure and dumps a little on the floor

FANNY
For my homey John McCain.

LES
For Christ's sake Fanny, he's still alive

ED
But I’m gettin your respect right now, ain’t I?

FANNY
Now get us some butterscotch, bitch!

LES
Werther’s....make Her get Werthers.

ED
The Incontinentals have spoken young lady-blood...if you want to live I think you best be steppin’ down to Walgreen’s.

LES
Word

JESSSIE
I’m not doing anything for you - elder or not. You’re just a rude bitter old man.

ED
I’m a rude bitter old man with a gun bitch!

JESSSIE
Oh yeah? Well how about using it!

JESSIE gets up and moves behind ED. ED holds the gun up in one hand and tries pushing the wheels with the other as LES and FANNY shout “get her Ed, pop a cap” etc. Using just one hand though, ED just ends up turning left or right and losing his aim....Jessie keeps dodging him, and ED gets more and more frustrated trying to keep up. DERREK, the orderly, walks in.

DERREK
Hey! What the hell is going on in here?

LES
(forced whisper to FANNY)
Shit! Five-o!

DERREK walks right up to ED and takes the gun out of his hands.

DERREK
I thought I took that away from you.

JESSSIE
That was gutsy...he could have shot you.

DERREK
He can’t load any bullets...arthritis. But that doesn’t stop him from stealing this every time we have an ice cream social with the VFW, does it Ed?

ED
Call me E-Dog.

FANNY
The man...always smacking us down.

DERREK
Look...it’s tapicoa night, and Showboat is screening after in the rec room. Why don’t you three get a nap and stop hassling this woman, okay?

JESSSIE
Thank you.

DERREK nods his head and walks out. WILBUR gets up and grabs his walker.

ED
(to JESSIE)
He may have taken my piece, but we ain't lettin you and your grandpa leave ‘til we get us a butterscotch deal.

ED, FANNY and LES roll up menacingly on WILBUR and JESSIE. JESSIE pulls the pile of photos out of her purse and throws them at the three geriatric gang bangers.

JESSSIE
C’mon Grandpa - let’s get out of here!

WILBUR starta moving as fast as his walker will allow. ED, FANNY and LES all start looking at the photos.

FANNY
Awwwww...look how cute!

LES
He sure loves that goat.

ED
Oh look...he’s even holding his toy gun properly!

ED, FANNY and LES look up to see WILBUR and JESSIE leaving. They pause for a moment thinking about pursuit, then go back to the photos.

ED
Look at this - he’s got pudding all over his face!

FANNY
So cute.

LES
Word

BLACK OUT

FSW: Leafer's Paradise

Autumn. A wide open theme. Could have gone so many ways, that I expect we'll get some nice variation this week. Let's hope so! Come back later for a recap with links to the other sketches and information on submitting for next week.

And if you've got a theme you'd like to see us try out for next week, leave it in comments here, or on one of the other blogs when their sketches are up.

Leafer's Paradise

EXT. RURAL ROAD - DUSK

A lone luxury sedan drives over rolling hills in the golden sunset, the millions of brightly colored autumn leaves glowing in shades of red and orange. Perfect foliage.

VANESSA (V.O.)

Oh, Marcus! It's beautiful. You were right, this was the perfect weekend to drive up. Sorry I doubted you.

MARCUS (V.O.)

No worries, babe. I checked the almanac, the National Weather Service, and had the boys in accounting run some numbers based on the last 20 years, factoring in warming trends. I knew this would be the peak weekend.

VANESSA (V.O.)

I just wish we could have skipped work and had an extra day. But anyway, this place I booked should be perfect. The Double-A Guide gave it three coffee cups.

MARCUS (V.O.)

You mean the Triple-A Guide.

VANESSA (V.O.)

Uh-oh.

INT. HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT

RUPERT and MAGGIE stand behind the desk. He's in his 50s, balding, and looking rumpled-casual in a button-down shirt. She's in her 30s and crisply turned out. The door opens and MARCUS and VANESSA stroll in with too many bags for a weekend trip. He and she are both in their 30s, decked out in the flannel, cashmere, and special boots they bought just for this weekend.

MAGGIE

Good evening, and welcome to Hearth House. Are we the Pithbottoms?

VANESSA

Yes, we are. I'm Vanessa and this is Marcus. Your inn is beautiful, really.

Maggie taps at her computer.

MAGGIE

Thank you. Let's see, we have you for three nights, checking out Sunday morning, and you wanted to do two of our foliage tours, one tomorrow and then the special Leaves & Lakes Tour on Saturday. How fun!

RUPERT

Will you be dining in the restaurant this evening?

MARCUS

Honey?

VANESSA

Sure. Sounds good.

(to Marcus)

Doesn't he look like Bob Newhart? You think he's like him?

(to Rupert)

Aren't you chilly? Maybe you should put on a cardigan?

Rupert gets this a LOT. He rolls his eyes and gives the couple a withering look.

MARCUS

Yes, yes! Now I see it.

RUPERT

Maybe later, ma'am. Right now, let's just get you two finished with check-in.

Maggie taps a bit more, Rupert shuffles some papers.

MARCUS

(to Vanessa)

Doesn't she remind you of that Gilman Girl?

VANESSA

(to Marcus)

Who's that?

MARCUS

You know, Laura Gilman, from that show you like?

VANESSA

Oh you mean--

MAGGIE

--Okay, we're almost done. Will you be keeping this on your American Express?

MARCUS

Actually, I'd like to put it on this Visa, instead.

Vanessa looks at Marcus questioningly while he hands his card to Maggie.

MARCUS (CONT'D)

(to Vanessa)

Double miles.

The wind outside kicks up. Rupert and Maggie look at each other and hurry up the process. She drops the card in her haste and both get looks of abject terror at the delay. The wind picks up more. Just as Maggie runs the card through the reader, the front door FLIES open and a mass of dead leaves blow into the lobby, propelled by a whipping wind.

MAGGIE

If I could just get you to sign here?

Maggie and Rupert look at each other with a mixture of relief and amused resignation.

VANESSA

Wow, that was some wind. Hope it doesn't effect the leaves too much.

EXT. RURAL ROAD - DAY

A van drives through a vast wasteland. I mean, like Tunguska AFTER the event. Dead, gnarly trees as far as the eye can see beneath a leaden sky. Swirling piles of leaves gather in little eddies.

TOUR GUIDE (V.O.)

On the right, you'll see a stand of Vermont maples, renown for their beautiful, deep red leaves in autumn.

BLACKOUT

Friday Night Sketch War: Reconciliation Edition

In the battle of the sketches, he who comes first gets trampled by those who follow. But those who follow trip on the landmines of the first. Don't you ever forget that.

• Coyote can't help but spit one more political salvo straight into the heart of the sun!!!
• Ken straightens out the books with a vengeance!!!
• David eats the hell out of that soup!!!

Next week's theme, picked by me again 'cause I wasn't smart enough to ask anyone else to do it, will be autumn. For the boys in Chicago, it might seem a bit late, but for those of us who do NOT live on the shores of the coldest lake in the universe, it seems about right.

If you want to play along, write a sketch and send a link to it to sketchwar at dreamloom.com. And be sure to come back on Friday for fun, fun fun.

Reconciliation

(LUCAS and JOSH, mid-thirties, enter the Brant Street Café. They sit side-by-side at the counter.)

LUCAS
Wait till you try the chicken noodle soup here. It’s the best I have ever tasted.

JOSH
I think I’m going to have a grilled cheese.

LUCAS
I’ll tell you what, man: you go your way, I’ll go mine.

(pause)

JOSH
You seem agitated.

LUCAS
I’m not judging you. There comes a time in everyone’s life when they decide what kind of person they are. I don’t claim to understand your choice, nor will I judge you for it.

(pause)

JOSH
Thank you.

LUCAS
I don’t know what series of events led to your choice of a grilled cheese. I haven’t walked that road. All I know is what’s right for me, and it is the chicken noodle soup.

(pause)

JOSH
Should I get the chicken noodle soup?

LUCAS
Don’t patronize me.

JOSH
Listen, what is your problem?

LUCAS
I’m thirty-five years old. I was in the shower this morning, staring at the tiles, and it hit me: I am never going to publish that novel. I am never going to present my parents with a grandchild. I am never going to make partner. Every day that goes by is another staple stamped into my life, and it’s becoming clearer and clearer the shape of who I really am.

JOSH (mildly alarmed)
Whoa. Whoa. What the hell?

LUCAS
No, listen. I’ve reconciled myself to it. I’m not the guy who’s going to live passionately about any of those things I thought I’d live passionately about. But I’ll tell you what’s still in my power: the chicken noodle soup at the Brant Street Café. I’ve had it everywhere in the city, and I am prepared to state unequivocally that it is best here. I am an expert on nothing else. But I have this.

JOSH
Okay. Okay. Take it easy.

(A WAITRESS enters.)

WAITRESS
What can I get for you guys?

JOSH
I’ll have a grilled cheese.

WAITRESS
All righty. And you?

LUCAS (looking clearly and directly into her eyes)
The chicken noodle soup.

WAITRESS
I’m sorry, guy – we’re just out. I can get you a cream of mushroom?

(pause)

LUCAS (bravely)
Yes. Okay.

WAITRESS
It’ll be right out.

(WAITRESS exits.)

(pause)

JOSH
I thought you hated mushrooms.

LUCAS
Don’t try to pen me in, man!

JOSH
All right.

LUCAS
I am going to eat the hell out of that cream of mushroom soup. Try to stop me!

JOSH
I won’t.

LUCAS
I’ll tear your arm off.

(pause)

(The WAITRESS crosses again, and JOSH flags her down.)

JOSH
Miss? I think I’d also like a bowl of cream of mushroom, if that’s all right.

WAITRESS
Sure thing!

(The WAITRESS exits. LUCAS and JOSH sit in silence.)

FSW: Reconciliation

What a week! California especially has been weird - Obama wins a historic predential election (thankfully!!!! WHOOOOOOHOOOOO), California's live stock gets breathing room, and California's gay marriage rights get revoked....go figure. The good news is it ain't over til the fat lady sings, and the fat ladies life-partner sings harmony.

There's lots of reconcilition to be done out there - as historic as Obama's election is, how the 47.6 percent of US citizens handle it (the ones that like invading countries and buying guns) may be a story unfolding for many years. I'm a happy guy cause my favorite candidate won...that'll hold me for now.

Speaking of....reconciliation was our theme for the week. I decided to get a little silly (after hearing an interview with Matt Parker and Trey Stone - creators of South Park - where they said the thing that initially brought them together was a mutual fanatacism for Monty Python). So here's a very rough stab at a Python sketch inspired by "reconciliation".

No word from Michael or David yet, but Richard has taken us out of this world for his volley.

___________________________________________________________________

INT. FIFTIES-STYLE CONFERENCE ROOM

The room is dark and smoky with light beams streaming from above through the haze. Several men sit around a table, wearing green visors, bow ties, vests, horn rim glasses, and all smoking cigars. The leader, CPA, sits at the head of the table, surrounded by DOUBLE LEDGER, NICKEL, DIME, and RED INK. Each has an old-fashioned adding machine sitting on the conference table in front of them.

BIG CPA
Alright boys, this is it - the pieces are in place and we’re about ready to take this joint. Red Ink - report your progress.

RED INK
Right Big CPA. I started making small subtractions from the books months ago - a penny there, a dollar here. And I just kept carrying them forward - it would take an average person years to find the errors.

BIG CPA
Very nice...Nickel, Dime, what have you two been up to?

NICKEL
Ohhhhhh....Beeeg CPA, we have been soooooo naughty.

DIME
We keep changing what expenses are allowed....

NICKEL
And sending undecipherable memos about it to the executives

DIME
When they submit expense reports, we randomly select items to approve, and write checks for them...

NICKEL
But we don’t say which they are...so the executives won’t deposit those checks until they figure it out.

DIME
Which they never will!!!!

NICKEL AND DIME
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

BIG CPA
Diabolical boys. Double Ledger, what have you got?

DOUBLE LEDGER
I invented this special carbon paper. It automatically misaligns to any ledger you set it on. Every time someone makes an entry in the books, it moves it one line down in carbon copy, so all the entries are confusing and make no sense! And only I have the master ledger!!!

BIG CPA
Excellent work DL! I’ve been explaining our quarterly taxes to the boys upstairs using made up words - like “acrumulation” and “ficundosity” - just to confuse them. The words mean nothing, but sound official, so none of the execs have any idea what our real financial situation is.

NICKEL
Nice one...

DIME
Boss!

BIG CPA
In short boys, we’ve made accounting unbelievably illegible and complex around here...so the Staplelite corporation ever wants its books straightened out it will have to put us, the Axis of Accounts, in charge!

RED INK
At last!!! The accountants will run things! We won’t be the corporate weenies anymore!

BIG CPA stands up and places his hand on the return pull handle of the adding machine in front of him. The others follow suit.

BIG CPA
Gentlemen.....I give you the Axis...
(He pulls the handle twice....ca-chink, ca-chink)
Of Accountants!!!!

ALL
THE AXIS...
(ca-chink, ca-chink)
OF ACCOUNTANTS!!!

THE RECONCILER (O.S.)
I wouldn’t count your profits before you tallied your accounts receivable if I were you.

DOUBLE LEDGER
Jiggers! It’s The Reconciler!!!

The Reconciler, a man in a black eyes mask like the Lone Ranger, wearing a blue suit and stylish fedora steps out from the shadows.

THE RECONCILER
That’s right Double Ledger, and it’s time I liquidated your assets!!!

BIG CPA
Nickel, Dime...get him!

NICKEL and DIME jump up and start circling THE RECONCILER, brandishing sharpened pencils at him. RECONCILER looks at them for a moment, then pulls out a slide rule. They duel furiously, and the RECONCILER loses his slide rule, then catches NICKEL and DIMES pencils, one in each hand, as they lunge at him. With his thumbs, he breaks the tips off their pencils. NICKEL and DIME stare in disbelief as THE RECONCILER wraps them up with a roll of adding machine paper.

RED INK jumps into the fray.

RED INK
Stay back Reconciler! Or you’ll end up....
(pulls a bottle of red ink out of his pocket)
...in the red!!!!

THE RECONCILER
Do your worst, Red Ink!

RED INK splashes ink from his bottle all over THE RECONCILER, but it does nothing.

RED INK
It.....it can’t be!!!

THE RECONCILER
My suit is colored with the ink from a thousand leaking bic sticks! Your red ink will have no effect!

RED INK
No!!!! No!!!! It can’t be! Red ink affects eveyone!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!

RED INK slumps gibbering into the corner.

BIG CPA
Double Ledger - hit him with your books!!!

DOUBLE LEDGER
I’m an accountant....I’ve never been the physical type.

DOUBLE LEDGER throws himself out the conference room window.

THE RECONCILER
It’s just you and me now, Big CPA.

BIG CPA pulls some papers out from under the table

BIG CPA
Wrong Masked Mathematician! It’s you, me, and your tax return from last year!

THE RECONCILER
How....how did you get that?

BIG CPA
Let’s see....looks like someone took an awfully big deduction for entertainment expenses last year.

THE RECONCILER
That’s completely legal - I threw a party thanking the Justice League for letting me to do their taxes. It was a way of getting repeat business which is allowed under 1956 tax law.

BIG CPA
Well then, how do you explain this deduction for your super car - the Add-illac?

THE RECONCILER
It counts as a government vehicle, since I fight for truth, justice and tax law. Therefore I can write off the entire cost of the vehicle in the year I buy it.

BIG CPA
Ahh, but you deducted operating expenses too...that deduction was disallowed in the section 405 amendment!

THE RECONCILE
Interesting....you must have learned that in a seminar last year, huh?

BIG CPA
Seminar? I haven’t been to a tax seminar in decades!!!! I just read the IRS updates!

THE RECONCILER
That’s what I thought...and that means you’re no longer a CPA!

BIG CPA
Nooooooo!!!!!! It can’t be!!!!

THE RECONCILER
The state requires 10 education hours for each CPA every year, and you haven’t got them! By the authority granted me by the state of Ohio, I revoke your certification...you’re powerless!

The doors open, several old-style police officers rush in, as well as Martin Palmer, CEO.

THE RECONCILER
Take them away boys...and be sure to throw their doctored books at them.

MARTIN
Good work Reconciler. How can the Staplelite corporation ever thank you?

THE RECONCILER
You’re a CEO Martin, you should never have to thank an accountant. But know that I’ll be out there, searching for better ledger systems, trying to find tools that make it easier for idiots to math, looking for automated self contained systems that do accounting accurately and quickly without socially awkward introverts being involved in the process. And I won’t rest until accountancy is something anyone can do easily, anytime, anywhere, any place!

THE RECONCILER starts to head out.

MARTIN
Uhhh...Reconciler?

THE RECONCILER
Yes Martin?

MARTIN
My books still need cleaning up....you weren’t going to walk off and just leave them with errors were you?

THE RECONCILER
No Martin, I just figured I’d wait until Monday too...

MARTIN
Did you have plans over the weekend?

THE RECONCILER
Well, no...Wonder Woman is having this party though...

MARTIN
Did she invite you?

THE RECONCILER
Ummm....no, not verbally or in a written invite but I think....

MARTIN
Oh good, then you’re free. Why don’t you get started then, and maybe you’ll be finished in time to crash the party you weren’t invited to. I’ve got a golf game to get to.

THE RECONCILER
Ummmm....sure Martin. Whatever you say.

MARTIN
You’re a life save Reconciler!

BLACK OUT

FSW: Extremes Attraction

Reconciliation. This week, I read about the woman on the Texas School Board who thinks Barack Obama is going to open the doors for terrorists. And I saw all three anti-gay amendments pass in state elections, presumably because hearing the word 'gay' might make innocent people turn gay. RedState has begun its Operation Leper, so they might throw out all the reasonable voices in the GOP and turn it into a teeny-tiny echo chamber of Sarah Palin and her ilk (and her elk, presumably.)

And let's not forget that the President-Elect is a Marxist/Islamist/Radical Black Christian and Dick Cheney planned 9/11. There are crazies all around. Enough crazies to fill a small city (although the right-wing half of them would rather stay in small towns.)

So I give you this. It's rough. It needs many, many revisions. And I did NOT pick the craziest of the crazies. But I think it's not so terrible. Let me know what you think.

Come back later tonight/this weekend for my on-time wrapup. I'll have links to the other sketches then. But for now, please enjoy mine. And comment! Comment! Comment!

Extremes Attraction

INT. SPACESHIP PASSAGEWAY - PERMANENT NIGHT

Curved plasteel walls stretch into the distance. The thrum of the Keeslar-Morales drive is just audible. With a WHOOSH, a door slides open and SUB-COMMANDANT BILL O'REILLY enters in his skin-tight utility uniform. He is followed by ARCH-LIEUTENANT MICHELLE MALKIN, sashaying in her skin-tight utilities, unzipped provocatively, exposing cleavage.

MALKIN

Sub-commandant! You can't let them on the ship, they'll infect us all!

O'REILLY

It's a risk we've got to take!

INT. SPACESHIP TRANSPORTER ROOM - PERMANENT NIGHT

CHIEF RUSH LIMBAUGH tests the limits of his kevlar-spandex uniform standing at a control panel.

O'REILLY

Bring them over, Limby.

LIMBAUGH

Aye, Sub-commandant.

Limbaugh pushes buttons, turns dials, and slides a lever. Twinkling lights and tinkling chimes fill the room and three forms take shape. KEITH-O in a custom tailored suit, JANEANE in hemp clothing cut like potato sacks, and AL FRANKEN in tweed appear.

MALKIN

Look out! She's got a gun under her burka!

TWO SECURITY OFFICERS appear out of the corners and tackle Janeane.

MALKIN (CONT'D)

Good job! She was--

SECURITY OFFICER #1

It's just a hooka, sir.

MALKIN

That's just as bad! She was going to make all our children smoke

(whispering)

mar-ee-wan-ah.

LIMBAUGH

You'd better let me search her. No telling what other drugs she may be carrying.

O'REILLY

Belay yourself, Chief! Doctor Phil tells me you've been spending quite enough time in sickbay.

(beat)

I'm Sub-commandant O'Reilly of the Earthship John Wayne. Welcome aboard.

KEITH-O

You're a terrible person, O'Reilly. Truly. The. Worst. Person.

MALKIN

Maybe we shouldn't have responded to your distress signal then!

Janeane and the security guards get up and she gives each of them a little baggie.

JANEANE

We responded to yours, you bimbo!

MALKIN

Don't be rid--

O'REILLY

--Can it, Michelle! It was our distress signal. I told you that.

MALKIN

But you told me--

O'REILLY

You have anyone like this?

AL FRANKEN

(sighs)

We've got Sharpton.

O'REILLY

I'm actually truly sorry.

(beat)

Okay, here's the problem, our jump drive computers are fried.

KEITH-O

Don't you have a backup?

O'REILLY

The backup computers are all infected with a virus. Our morale officer, Bennett, installed poker on all of them, but the software was a Trojan Horse. We're practically drifting. All we've got is our Hadron drives for maneuvering. We're stuck sub-light.

LIMBAUGH

We've only got six months supply in the mess!

AL FRANKEN

(looks at Limbaugh)

I'd guess only three.

JANEANE

What do you want from us, O'Reilly?

O'REILLY

Can you send over your Systems Officer to assist with a complete overhaul of our network? Ours isn't up to the task.

AL FRANKEN

Why's that?

O'REILLY

No one properly vetted Ensign Palin. Apparently MIT was not one of the many schools she attended.

KEITH-O

We'd like to help, we honestly would--.

MALKIN

But you won't right? Typical. You elites just want to take and take from the hard-working people and--

KEITH-O

--but we don't have a Systems Officer, per se.

O'REILLY

What do you mean?

JANEANE

We don't have ranks or titles. Everyone just pitches in on the Gaia. From each according to his abilities...

AL FRANKEN, JANEANE, KEITH-O

...to each according to his needs.

JANEANE

It works pretty well, other than all those course corrections. Someday it would be nice to reach a planet.

O'REILLY

You need to have a clearly defined chain of command.

AL FRANKEN

We don't really believe in that. That's why it took us an hour to come over. We had to get the crew together and debate who should come. Then we had to debate whether to bring the talking stick or leave it back on the Gaia.

MALKIN

(under breath)

Gay-uh is right.

Limbaugh snickers like a schoolboy and minces in the background for Malkin's benefit.

AL FRANKEN

I guess we could ask around and see if anyone's got any experience with this sort of problem.

INT. SPACESHIP CONFERENCE ROOM - PERMANENT NIGHT

O'Reilly, Malkin, and the three from the ESS Gaia are joined by JOSEPHINE JONZZ, mid-20s and transgendered, wearing a skimpy dress and JOE WURLZ, late 30s and bald, wearing a gray jumpsuit. O'Reilly frequently leers at JOSEPHINE.

MALKIN

Do you have a lot of experience with computer systems?

JOSEPHINE

Nah, not really. Sometimes I'd cash out customers at the salon, but I'd usually make a mistake and the owner'd have to come help.

AL FRANKEN

It was her or Steve Jobs. Even I don't hate you enough to do that.

MALKIN

Joe, why don't you take him/her/it down to the computer core.

JOE

No.

O'REILLY

Are you disobeying a direct order, mister?

JOE

Sub-commandant, arch-lieutenant...all due respect, but I can't work with *that*. Back when I was a Telephone Sanitizer I wouldn't even have cleaned its phone. Just spit on it when it wasn't looking.

JOSEPHINE

Hey, that's not nice!

O'REILLY

(leering again)

No, it's not nice Ms. Jonzz.

JOSEPHINE

Josie. You can call me Josie.

O'REILLY

And you can call me Papa Bear.

MALKIN

Oh, get a room! We're spinning out of control here.

A communicator on the table dings and Malkin presses a button.

MALKIN

Go ahead.

TECH (FILTER)

Arch-lieutenant, the Gaia has docked with us!

MALKIN

You see! I told you they were going to come over here and kill us all and introduce Sharia and make us get gay married and take away our guns!!!

AL FRANKEN

All at once? How would...never mind.

JANEANE

It must be hard to be you.

O'REILLY

What's the meaning of this, Franken?!

AL FRANKEN

I have no idea. We never discussed docking.

TECH (FILTER)

It appears that our computer systems are back online. They've networked with the Gaia's. There's--

A hologram - much like the CNN hologram - shimmers into view. BARACK OBAMA and JOHN MCCAIN stand arm-in-arm.

OBAMA

We hope you're all enjoying your accomodations.

MCCAIN

Is Sarah doing well, I hope?

OBAMA

You might wonder why we've brought you all together.

MALKIN

You had nothing to do with it! We take personal responsibility for our actions!

OBAMA

(laughs)

Yes, of course you do, Michelle. Anyway, we brought your ships together so we could say goodbye one last time.

AL FRANKEN

What? I don't understand! I supported you!

OBAMA

Yes Al, thank you for that. I know you did. But America needs to come together now, and voices like yours are part of the old, divisive ways.

MCCAIN

We don't have the time or room for any more of the extremes to be tearing the middle apart.

KEITH-O

And Senator McCain, sir, do you believe you are in the middle? You are not, sir.

MCCAIN

What can I say? I'm a maverick. Always bouncing around. I woke up and realized America needs to move forward, not rightward or leftward.

O'REILLY

So the world we were supposed to be colonizing? The one filled with willing slaves?

MCCAIN

That was a lie to get you on the John Wayne.

JANEANE

And the one we were going to, with universal healthcare and legalized pot and no corporations conspiring against us? That was a lie, too?

OBAMA

"Lie" is such an ugly word, Janeane. Let's just say it was a campaign promise that didn't come true.

MCCAIN

Your ships are now in a decaying orbit around the sun. You have another day before the boys in NASA say the heat will be too much and the hull will vaporize.

MALKIN

I thought we were hundreds of light years away!

OBAMA

Well, Michelle, perhaps if you had paid a little more attention in your science classes and not believed every silly anti-scientific fantasy that crossed before you, you would know that isn't possible. And now we'd like to say our goodbyes. Have a pleasant journey and know that your sacrifice is going to make America and the world a better place.

The hologram cuts out. Silence. The thrum of what clearly are NOT Keeslar-Morales drives is audible.

Joe the Phone Sanitizer looks at Janeane.

JOE

You wanna?

JANEANE

Sure.

Joe and Janeane leave with lust and despair in their eyes. Al Franken nods to Keith-O and Michelle Malkin.

AL FRANKEN

Not much time left. Whatdya think?

The three of them leave the room. Michelle looks like a schoolgirl, giddy with the knowledge that she can drop the act.

O'REILLY

(To Josephine)

Right here on the table works for me.

BLACKOUT