FSW: Oprah Edition (Peter's Entry)

Friday Sketch War
Oprah Edition
"No Accounting for Taste"

FADE IN:

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

A typical college apartment. MATTHEW (uptight college kid) sits on a couch, picks up a remote, and uses it to turn on an entertainment center. A Pirates of the Caribbean DVD case sits nearby.

ON TV

Oprah Winfrey's talk show returns from commercial. The TV chiron reads, "I can't control my teenage daughters!"

BACK ON MATTHEW

Matthew picks up the DVD case, puzzled. Looks at it, looks at the TV. Meanwhile, we hear the AUDIO from the TV...

OPRAH (O.S., TV)

Sandra, what's the real problem you've had with your mom?

SANDRA (O.S., TV)

Mom doesn't like that my sister and I just can't keep our hands off each other.

PORN MUSIC kicks in.

Matthew is intrigued.

OPRAH (O.S., TV)

Hey... mind if I join you?

Matthew lets out a little YELP of alarm and turns off the TV.

INT. CHASE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Typical messy undergrad bedroom. CHASE (mellow college kid) lies in bed. His outfit includes a belt.

The room has a shelf of DVDs and two doors: one (closed) door leads to a closet, and one (open) door leads to the hallway. A wig and a magazine sit on the floor.

Matthew tentatively enters from the hallway, holding a DVD labeled "Oprah: The Lost Nastysodes".

MATTHEW

Chase, I think you got a couple of DVDs swapped.

Chase gets up, picks up the DVD.

CHASE

Ooh. Yeah, that's mine.

Chase thumbs through the DVDs on the shelf. Matthew looks on.

MATTHEW

Chase, is that all Oprah-themed...

CHASE

It's Oprah porn. What?

MATTHEW

That's kind of a lot of it, isn't it?

CHASE

It's just the classy stuff.

(off the DVD)

These guys, they get the show down, and their Oprah impersonator is just -- mmm!

MATTHEW

Oh. That's good. Can I have my Pirates DVD back?

CHASE

You like this stuff? 'cos if you want to get into Oprah porn...

Chase opens the closet door, the inside of which features a bikini pinup with Oprah's head crudely pasted on top of it.

CHASE

... I'm your guy.

MATTHEW

Oh god.

CHASE

Nothin' to be ashamed of.

Chase picks up the magazine, hands it to Matthew -- the title reads "OhhhhhHHH! The magazine of Oprah-themed Adult Entertainment".

CHASE

See? It's a whole industry.

MATTHEW

That's not right.

CHASE

Wait, I thought you liked The Color Purple.

MATTHEW

Yeah, but -- wait, didn't I loan you my copy?

CHASE

Want it back?

Chase rummages through his bedsheets.

MATTHEW

No. I just want to watch Pirates of the Caribbean!

Matthew trips on the wig. Sees it. Picks it up.

MATTHEW

This is an Oprah wig.

Chase crosses to the hallway door, closes it.

CHASE

I don't use it for anything weird.

Matthew drops the wig.

MATTHEW

Ew!

CHASE

Don't judge!

MATTHEW

But Oprah is like America's mom!

CHASE

(aw, yeah)

I know.

Chase walks away from the hall door, revealing:

A poster of an animé tentacle monster, again with Oprah's face pasted on.

Matthew freezes.

CHASE

Can't look away, can you?

Matthew exits in a hurry, and SLAMS the door behind him.

CHASE

Whew. Dodged that bullet.

He pulls out a remote, presses a button.

The Oprah posters roll up to reveal similar pin-ups with Matthew's head posted on them.

Chase puts on the wig. Takes off the belt.

CHASE

It's fun time.

Matthew re-enters.

MATTHEW

Look, Chase, could I just get my DVD --

Matthew sees the new closet poster. Sees the wig. Sees the belt.

CHASE

Hi.

Matthew exits.

BLACKOUT.