FSW: Horrible Family Holidays Edition (Peter's Entry)

Friday Sketch War
Horrible Family Holidays Edition
"Ted's Wake"

FADE IN:

INT. ELEVATOR LOBBY - NIGHT

KATIE (27, black formalwear) paces in a posh elevator lobby, going over a handwritten speech.

CROWD NOISES emanate from a closed door. Beside the door hangs a poster with a black-and-white photo of a scowling old man reads, "In Memoriam: Ted Reynaldo". Beside the poster sits a chair.

Christmas decorations adorn the walls.

HOMER (23, black suit) breezes in through the door.

HOMER

Katie! 'sup!

No repsonse.

HOMER

Dad says it's time to do the thing --

The elevator BINGS. The door opens.

KATIE

Dad can wait. I --

And in the elevator, is --

HOMER

Sandra!

-- SANDRA (23), pretty and cheerful. She and Homer kiss. Homer points her at the room.

HOMER

I'll be there in a second.

Sandra heads in.

Off of Katie's look --

HOMER

I met her last week. She's, like, this really cool --

KATIE

And you invited her to Uncle Ted's wake?

Homer just grins.

KATIE

(to herself)

Do I do the prayer --

The elevator BINGS.

KATIE

-- or just go straight to the speech?

A small crowd of people pile out of the elevator, carrying what look like Muppets.

HOMER

'sup, guys!

PUPPETEERS

'sup, Homer!

They go into the room. Off of Katie's look --

HOMER

Sandra's, like, part of this puppeteering troupe.

KATIE

What?

HOMER

They do puppet shows.

KATIE

No. Why are they here?

HOMER

I guess Sandra invited them.

The NOISE from the room gets louder, more festive.

KATIE

Did you actually tell any of these people this was a wake?

Elevator BINGS.

HOMER

I -- hmm. I said it was catered. I definitely said it was a Christmas party.

KATIE

Oh god.

HOMER

Well technically, it's a party, and it's Christmastime, right?

A couple of DELIVERYMEN show up, pushing kegs on dollies.

DELIVERYMAN

Um -- the Puppet Place Players?

HOMER

In there.

DELIVERYMAN

Cool.

They join the wake.

The NOISE from the wake gets louder. MARIACHI MUSIC starts up.

HOMER

I guess I sort of told Sandra she could invite people, and they invited people --

The elevator BINGS. A MOTLEY ASSORTMENT OF PARTYGOERS spill out.

HOMER

'sup guys -- it's in there.

The partygoers cheer, join the wake.

KATIE

Who are they?

Homer shrugs. Off of that --

KATIE

I can't believe you did this to me! I --

Stops. Goes to the door. Looks in the room. Returns to Homer.

KATIE

Mariachis? How did they even get in?

HOMER

Oh, there's this freight elevator, and it's awesome, like this moving cavern, and --

Katie collapses in the chair, distraught.

HOMER

What?

KATIE

I know I didn't exactly like the guy, and I know I'd rather cram things under my fingernails than give this big speech about how great he was, but I got stuck with putting this together and I just want to do one thing right for this family! Is that so much to ask?! And then you go and --

The elevator BINGS yet again, the doors open --

KATIE

OH GOOD GOD WHAT NOW?!

-- and Katie finds herself face to face with a POLICE OFFICER standing in the elevator doorway.

Awkward pause.

HOMER

'sup, officer? My sister's kind of off her meds.

KATIE

Meds?!

POLICE OFFICER

We've had a noise complaint.

KATIE

Oh. Oh! Yeah, they're right in there.

POLICE OFFICER

Thanks.

The officer crosses to the door, opens it.

Meanwhile, Katie darts into the elevator. She drags Homer in after her. The elevator closes.

POLICE OFFICER

Puppets!

The officer joins the wake.

FADE OUT.