Friday, November 28, 2008

FSW: Oprah Edition

Annnnnnnndddd coming in just under the wire...

It's Friday Sketch War....and if you're going to come to a war, it's nice to be fashionably late (hey, it worked for the U.S. in both world wars, right???).

Anyway here's my foray into the world of Oprah...and her friends.

Peter put the Big O in Oprah for us and Richard gave us some lovely homemade gifts

Not sure who's handling our theme for next week, but following Oprah is gonna be a tough act.
But for now.......heeeeeeeerrrrreeeeeee'sssssssss OPRAH!

___________________________________________________________________

INT. OPRAH’S OFFICE - DAY
A large opulent office with pictures of Oprah hanging on every wall. The door opens and here comes the woman herself, followed by her assistant HENRY, who reads off a clipboard.


HENRY
...and Maria confirmed her interview for next Thursday, but she’s coming solo, no Nick. Michelle Obama agreed to write the “First Day as First Lady”article for “O” in January, and she confirmed you have 3 VIP tickets to the inaugural ball.

OPRAH
That’s fabulous Henry. Well done! Thank you so much - you have no idea how much I appreciate everything you do for me.

HENRY
It’s just nice to be part of it all Ms. Winfrey.

OPRAH
Now Henry, you’re my friend...I am never “Ms. Winfrey” to my friends.

HENRY
Alright.....Oprah. Oh heck - I’ll just call you “O”!
(giggles)
I’m going to check on the fundraiser invites - I heard “The Donald” RSVP’d yes this time!

OPRAH
Fabulous Henry. Thank you so much!

HENRY beams as her leaves. OPRAH sits down at her desk and starts going through the various memos and letters sitting there. An electrical crackle is heard outside the door, and light flashes can be seen beneath it. Smoke starts coming under the door right before the door bursts open and T101 walks in carrying an extremely large multi-barreled machine gun. He steps into the room and slams the door closed behind him and locks it.

OPRAH
Excuse me...can I help you?

T101
(in an Austian-accented stiff mechanical voice)
I am a Cyberdyne systems Terminator model 101. I have been sent back in time to terminate you, and stop from destroying the future.

OPRAH
Destroying the future? Honey, are you sure it’s me you’re looking for?

T101
Are you talk show host and media magnate Oprah Winfrey?

OPRAH
Yes, I am.

T101
Then you are the my target. I must destroy you.

OPRAH
Now wait a minute...there must be some mistake. Do you know anything about me?

T101
Oprah Gail Winfrey, born January 29, 1954 in Kosciusko, Mississippi, host of an internationally syndicated talk show, magazine publisher, influential book critic, and philanthropist.

OPRAH
Philanthropist - do you know what that means?

T101
One who actively engages in efforts to promote human welfare through actions and or charitable donations.

OPRAH
Right...I try to help people, with everything I do. My magazine is dedicated to things that make people’s lives better. I recommend books that can positively affect people’s lives. I’ve founded schools. I discovered Dr. Phil. Even my interviews help celebrities deal with issues. I couldn’t possibly hurt people. You must have me confused with someone else.

T101
May 23, 2005 - you interview actor Tom Cruise. Your therapeutic interview style emboldens him to jump up and down on your sofa like a child. Over the next 4 years his inhibitions continue to disappear and he begins making outrageous claims about the healing powers of Scientology. On April 25, 2009, his Scientology powers fully manifest. By the end of 2009, he eradicates all mental illness from the planet and Tom Cruise turns his attention to other illnesses. June 5 2010, Tom Cruise cures the last sick person on the plane. Pharmaceutical companies and health care providers are bankrupted, and the medical-industrial complex is destroyed creating massive financial upheaval. Tom Cruise appoints himself surgeon general of the galaxy then swears undying loyalty to you for unleashing his true potential. He creates an army of scientology-powered healers, placing you in total control of the world’s mental and physical health.

OPRAH
Tom’s little crazy, but disease becomes a thing of the past - that’s amazing! How can that be...

T101
In 2009, the world is on the brink complete financial collapse. The big three American automakers border in complete self-destruction. On May 22nd, 2009, you arrange a secret meeting between yourself and the heads of GM, Ford and Chrysler. Three days later, every household in the world is told to look under their favorite chair. Each finds a key and a note that says “You get a car!”. May 25th, 2009 - millions around the world pick up their free american-made car Gasoline sales soar, and the low Detroit quality standards force all vehicle recipients to seek professional service. Within 30 days, the global economy is booming, and automakers see record profits from replacement parts and mechanics fees. The big 3 automakers and OPEC declare loyalty to you.

OPRAH
Doesn’t sound like there’s anything wrong with that. People who can’t afford cars get them, the world’s economy is fixed, automakers are saved....everyone’s happy.

T101
On August 5th, 2011 the world enters a new ice age. Vehicle emissions block 68% of the earth’s normal sunlight. No one is depressed due to the efforts of Tom Cruise’s Scientology corps.

OPRAH
Okay. I see where that could have been handled better, but I promise that I will...

T101
On November 6th, 2012 Barack Obama wins his second presidential term with 89% of the popular vote. On December 21st, 2012 - the day ancient Mayans predicted would be the end of the world, President Obama gives a press conference outlining his plan to address the ice age. It is preempted by a CNN report showing the Mayan god of death, Cizin, rising from his dormant underground state and laying waste to Mexico city. President Obama takes flight in front of the White House press corps, revealing himself to be a highly advanced robot. He arrives in Mexico City and fights Cizin. He defeats Cizin. Soon after an anonymous source coms forward with proof that he created by scientists working in a secret laboratory at “O” magazine.

OPRAH
That’s impossible...no one knows about that lab...how do you..

T101
I am from the future. President Obama has been acting on your commands for his entire political life. You become the most powerful person on the planet controlling health care, the economy, and the United States. On January 27th, 2012, you are appointed queen of the world. Howard Stern commits suicide. After 20 years, most of the planet is well adjusted, exercising regularly and eating a sensible diet. Anyone who refuses to get in touch with their feelings is hunted down and sent to inner-child rehabilitation camps. A small group of rebels storm the “O” robotics lab, and under poor conditions create the terminators to stop you and your enforcers.

OPRAH
I don’t think you want to stop me...I think you need....

OPRAH dives for her desk and hits a button. A panel in the wall behind her opens up, and Dr. Phil marches out with a large gun

DR. PHIL
...a big dose of reality son!

T101 fires and blows Dr. Phil’s head off. It sputters and sparks.

T101
I was forewarned about your Dr. Phil robot. Now, I must kill you.

OPRAH
Wait....you don’t have to be this way, a mindless killer. There’s a part of you that feels regret and sorrow for me.

T101
I have now feelings. I am a machine. Your therapeutic questioning cannot affect me.

OPRAH
Alright. You know yourself best. Just let me give you a last present - a book I’m reviewing.

OPRAH picks up a book off her desk and tosses it to T101

T101
(reading the book title)
“You Are Not A Machine - reclaiming your humanity”. You’re attempt at distraction is wasted on....
(pausing as he skims through the book)
I have felt alone like this....how the author know?

OPRAH has pulled out a bazooka from under her desk and she shoots T101 with it. He explodes in a ball fire. Parts fall smoldering everywhere. The phone on the desk buzzes. OPRAH picks it up.


HENRY (on phone)
O? What was that noise? Are you alright?

OPRAH
I’m fine Henry. It was just another terminator. Have security check that time-travel shield around the building, I don’t think it’s working. And have the lab send up another Dr. Phil ASAP.

HENRY (on phone)
Right away O.

OPRAH hangs up the phone, then redials

OPRAH
Barack - this is Big O...access code 41542. Activate Mayan God combat protocols...we’re going to update your database.

FADE OUT

1 comments:

R.A. Porter said...

Nice! The only entrant to actually *use* Oprah! I always knew there was something off about Dr. Phil, too.