FSW: Borders Edition (Peter's entry)

Friday Sketch War
Borders Edition
"52.3°N, 119.9°E"

FADE IN:

EXT. BORDER CROSSING - DAY

A little hut occupies a desolate, rocky landscape. Truly the middle of nowhere.

A worn sign reads "Border Crossing" in Russian, Mandarin, and English.

LUBOV

(Russian, subtitled)

I spy with my little eye --

INT. BORDER PATROL STATION - CONTINUOUS

LUBOV (20s) and BOROVICH (30s), military men, play chess in the shabby little hut. The hut contains the bare necessities -- an old communications radio, some tin pots and pans, and (oddly) a taser.

Both men speak subtitled Russian throughout.

LUBOV

-- something beginning with the letter 'S'.

BOROVICH

(immediately)

Sky. Go.

Lubov makes a move; Borovich makes him take it back.

BOROVICH

Not that, Lubov. You do that, I get your queen.

LUBOV

Oh! I spy something beginning with 'R'.

BOROVICH

(immediately)

Rocks.

Lubov picks up the taser.

LUBOV

You're great at 'I Spy'!

BOROVICH

That's not a toy.

Lubov shoots the taser's little electrical clips into the huts ceiling. It makes a BZZT sound.

Lubov notices something out the window.

LUBOV

Huh. Now I spy something that starts with 'M'.

BOROVICH

'M'? What, outside?

LUBOV

There's a man out there.

EXT. BORDER CROSSING - DAY

Lubov (taser in hand) and Borovich stand outside the little hut.

XIAO is running full-tilt towards the border station.

Lubov nervously raises the taser.

Borovich pushes Lubov's hand down.

BOROVICH

Stop! This is a protected border!

Xiao doesn't stop; Borovich grabs Xiao.

Xiao only speaks in subtitled Mandarin.

XIAO

I'm being chased by a man with an axe!

Lubov picks a little book out of his pocket, thumbs through it quickly.

BOROVICH

What's he saying?

LUBOV

It's "I am..." -- here it is -- "I am enjoying my morning run."

BOROVICH

He can't -- you can't run here! It's the border!

XIAO

I don't speak Russian! There's a guy with an axe!

Xiao mimes appropriately.

LUBOV

He really wants to cross.

BOROVICH

Hmm.

EXT. BORDER CROSSING - DAY

Now all three men occupy the little hut.

Borovich places the last chess piece into the starting position.

BOROVICH

Simple. You win a game of chess, and you can cross.

LUBOV

Is that legal?

BOROVICH

Who cares? I haven't played decent chess in seven months.

LUBOV

Hey!

XIAO

What?

BOROVICH

Your turn.

Xiao and Borovich start playing, blindingly-fast.

In the background, Lubov tries to juggle the taser, a pot, and his hat.

LUBOV

It's lucky you showed up. Things were getting a little dull here at crossing #5201/B.

XIAO

What?

Lubov digs out his little book as Xiao and Borovich continue their game.

LUBOV

(Chinese, subtitled)

We are happy for your dog because we have spoons here.

XIAO

I'm so confused.

BOROVICH

Huh! I lost! Already!

Borovich shakes Xiao's hand.

BOROVICH

Well-done.

LUBOV

Wait! He also has to -- uh -- juggle these things!

BOROVICH

Lubov, a deal's a deal.

LUBOV

But it would be fun. Right? Sir?

EXT. BORDER CROSSING - DAY

Xiao stands in front of the building with the taser, the hat, and the pot in his hands.

Xiao looks confused.

Lubov mimes juggling.

Xiao juggles --

LUBOV

He's really good.

BOROVICH

He gets to cross into Russia, no question.

Meanwhile, a crazed BRUTE WITH AN AXE appears behind the two men and raises his weapon to strike Lubov.

Xiao notices this, stops juggling, and shoots the madman (with the taser). The brute drops, unconscious.

Borovich, of course, only sees Xiao shooting at them -- he jumps towards Xiao and punches Xiao out cold.

BOROVICH

Lubov. You gave him the taser?!

LUBOV

Uh, sir?

They both look at the felled brute.

BOROVICH

Are you sure the visitor said 'morning run'?

LUBOV

Not 100%.

BOROVICH

Hmm.

Borovich points to the brute.

BOROVICH

Tie him up with something.

Lubov produces a length of rope from his pocket and starts tying the brute's hands.

LUBOV

What'll we tell command?

Borovich ponders a moment, then points to the brute.

BOROVICH

We'll say he's an evil spy --

Lubov props the axe against the hut.

Borovich checks Xiao's pulse, props him up against the hut.

BOROVICH

-- and this guy is a valuable informant -- someone we need to detain for further questioning.

LUBOV

That's an excellent plan, sir!

Borovich opens the hut's door, drags Xiao in.

BOROVICH

It'll be good to have this guy around.

Lubov follows Borovich in and closes the door.

FADE OUT.