FSW: Change Edition

So far, Richard is the only combatant on the field with his funny, Wonder Twins sketch.

This week's theme was "Change". Been a lot of it happening around me lately. It seems like my world has been build on a fault line and the Earth is beginning to shift and move like a bowl of Jell-O in great-grandma's hands. But change is good, right? Lord I hope so.

So here's today's offering. When I tossed out the theme I was thinking of writing a more political-centric sketch. But the Muse had other ideas. And there's no arguing with her, either. It's her way or the highway.

Enjoy


Be The Change

MONTAGE: We see a series of shots of Brendan Johnson walking around the city doing good deeds. Someone tossing a cup at a trashcan and it misses, Brendan picks it up. Brendan is collecting pages of newspaper that blow in the wind and takes them to a recycling can. Brendan is carrying a little, old ladies groceries for her as they cross a busy street. Brendan is taking soup to a sick friend. Brendan is in the park with a pooper scooper. Brendan is scraping gum off the sidewalk.

Cut to:

INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

Brendan is sitting at a small table, sipping a steaming cup of tea while reading the Tao Te Ching. The bell rings over the door and Han Kerin enters looking down trodden. As the door closes, he slings his heavy book-bag over his shoulder and it slams into a woman reading notices on a corkboard.

WOMAN: Hey!

Han is oblivious and walks to the counter. After ordering he reaches into his pocket to pull out money and a fistful of coins scatter all over the counter and floor. In an frantic effort to try and catch some, he manages to knock over the display of CDs that were on the counter and spill two different people’s coffees. People mutter “asshole” and “jerk” as they try to avoid this walking disaster. As Han is on his hands and knees picking up his lost change, Brendan joins him and hands him a bunch of coins he’s picked up.

BRENDAN: Rough morning?

HAN: Aren’t they all?

BRENDAN: Each day starts with a clean slate, full of potential and possibility.

HAN: Yeah. Potential for more shit to go wrong.

BRENDAN: If you only look for the negative that’s all you’re ever going to find.

HAN: It’s better than constantly having your hopes dashed.

BRENDAN: If you want good things to happen, you have to make them happen. Be the change you want to see in the world.

HAN: Are you high or something?

BRENDAN: On life, my friend. On life.

HAN: Okay, well, it makes you sound like a crazy person.

BRENDAN: And what if I’m the only sane one here?

HAN: Then you’re delusional as well.

BRENDAN: What are you doing right now?

HAN: Well, I’m supposed to go to the unemployment office to see if…

BRENDAN: You should come with me to the park.

HAN: So you can murder me?

Brendan laughs and pats Han on the back.

BRENDAN: Just for an hour. I want to open your eyes to the possibilities that this world has to offer you.

HAN: In the park?

BRENDAN: Come on. When was the last time you really took a chance? Huh? The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.

HAN: Well, I suppose it can’t hurt.

They are standing. Brendan has put his arm around Han.

BRENDAN: The world is a beautiful, serene place. It’s us and our attitudes about it that make it ugly.

Han is getting a little chocked up.

HAN: You know, you’re the first person who’s actually said anything to me other than “Watch it, asshole.” or “How’s about a shower, fuckface.” in a long time.

BRENDAN: Let’s go generate some positivity for you, my friend.

HAN: All right. Let’s do it.

Brendan grabs his things and they head for the door. Han is smiling.

HAN: I can’t remember the last time I felt this…light. This excited about something.

BRENDAN: Once you open the door to positive energy it's hard to keep it out.

Brendan begins to cross the street.

HAN: Hey, what’s your name?

Brendan stops and looks back. He opens his mouth to speak just as a city bus blows past running him over. Han shakes his head. While Han is standing there, looking at the carnage, a shady fellow gently pulls Han’s laptop out of his bag and walks off with it. He turns to leaves and stops as he has stepped in something. He picks up his shoe to reveal a long, sticky string of bubble gum and dog crap.

HAN: That’s more like it.

He walks away.

FADE TO BLACK

FSW: Change We Can Believe In

This weeks's topic, selected by Michael, was change. I figured I should go with the season, and go with the political flow. Let's give honors to...Ken for next week. Ken, pick it and put in comments!

If you want to read this the way it really should be formatted, click here for the Scribd version. It's not radically different in appearance, except that the dual dialog is better laid out.

Oh, and yes. This would have to be animated. Assume Hanna-Barbera style.

Change We Can Believe In
INT. STAGE - DAY
(JOHN MCCAIN and SARAH PALIN in front of a green screen. He just can’t get away from them.)

JOHN
People like to bandy the word 'change' around a lot. My opponent--

SARAH
Our opponent.

JOHN
(flinching like a frequently whipped dog)
Yes Sarah. Our opponent wants you to believe change comes from diplomacy, compromise, and hard work. That’s simply not true.

SARAH
That’s right, John. Real change comes from magic rings.

(John and Sarah brandish IDENTICAL RINGS on their upheld fists.)

SARAH (CONT’D)
Magic rings stolen from alien teenagers!

JOHN & SARAH
Wonder Twin powers, activate!

SARAH
Shape of...a Bald Eagle!

JOHN
Form of...a puddle of dirty water! Just like the water on the floor of the cage I spent six years in being tortured daily. When I was a war hero.

(Sarah and John transform into a bald eagle and puddle of
water respectively. Still able to speak, though.)

SARAH
I’m a small-town girl with small-town values. Values like honoring the symbol of our great nation and honoring our great war heroes.

JOHN
Barack Obama called my running mate a pig. Does she look like a pig? No. She’s a majestic eagle.

(Sarah-eagle touches wingtip to John-puddle.)

JOHN & SARAH
Wonder Twin powers, deactivate!

(In a flash, Sarah and John revert to their normal forms.)

SARAH
The big-city elites want to take your guns away.

JOHN
They want to teach your preschoolers about sex.

SARAH
They want to take your pickups and SUVs away.

(Sarah and John touch rings...)

JOHN & SARAH
Wonder Twin powers, activate!

SARAH
Form of...a completely safe and unthreatened polar bear!

JOHN
Shape of...a piece of Arctic glacier, undisturbed by liberal lies about global warming.

(Sarah and John transform again. Sarah-bear stands atop John-ice.)

SARAH
My opponent--

JOHN
(timidly)
--actually, he’s my opponent, Sarah.

SARAH
Right. Our opponent wants you to drive a hybrid. Or walk! He wants you to believe in global warming. Well, I’m from the great state of Alaska and I can tell you, it’s
not getting any warmer!

JOHN
Well, it is getting warmer, Sarah. But the science isn’t conclusive as to whether our actions have anything--

SARAH
--I said it’s not getting warmer, John!

JOHN
Right. Sorry, Sarah.

JOHN & SARAH
Wonder Twin powers, deactivate!

(Sarah-bear and John-ice touch and transform.)

SARAH
Every day I wake up, I have to worry about the threat of Russian invasion. Barack Obama wants to disband the military and send all your children to madrassas. That’s not change we can believe in.
(beat)
This is change we can believe in...

(Sarah and John touch rings again...)

JOHN & SARAH
Wonder Twin powers, activate!

JOHN
Shape of...a bucket of tears. The tears I cried each night after the Vietcong had tortured and beaten me trying to make me turn against America. America, the greatest
country on Earth!

(John transforms into a bucket of tears. It’s magic. Don’t ask.)

SARAH
Form of...a moose!

(Sarah transforms into a moose.)

JOHN
That’s quite a set of antlers you’ve got there, Sarah.

SARAH
What? Oh. Moose! Where’s my gun!

(Sarah-moose runs in circles a few times, finds a tophat, pulls a lion out of it...)

SARAH
Guess I don’t know my own strength.

(Sarah-moose pushes the lion back in and pulls out a rifle and shoots herself!)

JOHN
Sarah! Sarah, are you alright?

(Sarah’s dead.)

JOHN
Oh, great. Now I’m stuck like this.

EXT. PODIUM - DAY
(Bunting and flags everywhere on this cold January day. It’s inauguration day. JOE LIEBERMAN stands behind a dais holding John-bucket-of-tears up to a microphone.)

JOE
John, John!
(calling off stage)
Someone get me a hotplate! The President’s frozen again!

BLACKOUT

Friday Night Sketch War: Funeral Edition

Last week's reunion special got me a bit melancholy, thinking about the ultimate reunion. When all your friends and family (or, in my case, a county official and anonymous creamatorium worker) get together to celebrate who you were and how you lived. Brings a tear to my eye. A tear, because a cinder from your remains got in my eye!

This week's challenge sees four warriors (once David stopped washing his damn hair) on the field of battle.

• Coyote spied on a lackey's funeral...
• Michael sent a ghost to do his bidding...
• Ken sold me a new coffin...
• David made a [adjective] [noun] of death.

Next week's topic is selected by Michael: change. Same call for sketches as always...if you wanna show us the funny, email sketchwar_AT_dreamloom.com.

The Lemon-Scented Passing of Jack Kaufmann

(A funeral. The casket is upstage center, and black-clad MOURNERS are milling around. TIMMY, a boy of five, is downstage, shyly standing next to his mother, MARJORIE. EDWARD, holding a notepad, is kneeling and talking to TIMMY.)

EDDIE (to TIMMY)
A noun? It’s like a person, place or thing.

MARJORIE (to TIMMY)
What’s something you saw today, sweetheart? Just name anything.

(TIMMY whispers something to MARJORIE, who laughs.)

EDWARD
What did he say?

MARJORIE (to TIMMY)
Tell him what you said, sweetie.

(TIMMY whispers to EDWARD. EDWARD laughs and writes something in the notebook.)

EDWARD
That’s perfect. That’s perfect. Thank you, Timmy.

(The FUNERAL DIRECTOR approaches EDWARD.)

FUNERAL DIRECTOR
Any time you’re ready.

(EDWARD nods and makes his way to a podium by the casket. He clears his throat, and the MOURNERS take their seats and quiet down.)

EDWARD
The Eulogy.

Friends and family, well wishers and pomegranates, we are gathered today to mourn the lemon-scented passing of Jack Kaufmann.

Jack Kaufmann was a soggy soul, a man who was quick with a cheesy handshake and a kind Q-Tip. And he was always willing to lend a helping jack-o-lantern to someone in need.

Things weren’t always easy for Jack Kaufman. As one of sixty-nine children, he constantly had to pistol-whip for attention. But most would agree that this only made him hotter. In fact, he drew upon his experience just last year, when he finally fulfilled his dream of eating Mount Everest.

He is survived by his lovely wife Angelina Jolie, his son Rick Astley and daughter Miley Cyrus, and of course McNuggets, his faithful thirteen-lined ground squirrel. And most of us would argue that, at a mere one hundred billion years old, he was far too hoarse to die.

But today is not only a day for sadness, for we still have many ticklish memories of this drunken man. And Jack Kaufman himself would have wanted each and every one of us to seize the toilet.

(EDWARD steps down from the podium as the MOURNERS wipe away tears. Organ music.)

FSW: Putting the fun in Funeral

Ahhh Friday, and the hills are alive with the sound of sketches!

I'm a little tardy posting today - I've been off work this week, so I've been slacking on everything!

The topic this week was funerals, and I have to admit, for the first half of the week, I was really stuck - all I could picture was the famous Bill Braskey funeral sketch written by Adam McKay and Will Ferrel for Saturday Night Live a few years back. Every sketch idea I had seemed to be a variation on that. But once I was able to get past that, some nice ideas started breaking, and in the end it came down to a Bill Brasky variation, a Viking funeral sketch, or this, which is more filmic commercial parody and less character driven (which is a fancy way of saying "this is pure unadulterated silliness with lots of visual gags"). But it's definitely different from what I usually tend towards writing, and ended up being dialogue light ("show, don't tell" is something I try to work towards more and more with sketches).

Well, enough of my rambling....Michael let us sit in on a funeral WITH the deceased watching and Robert whacked a super-villain's lackey.

And here's my funeral offering for the week....next week's theme is "Change".

___________________________________________________________

INT. - FUNERAL PARLOUR
An austere but reverent viewing room. An open casket surrounded by flowers is at the front of the room and a line of mourners file by paying their respects

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
It’s never easy to lose a loved one....

The widow stands over the casket with 2 sons flanking either side, all looking down into the casket and shaking their heads slowly. The camera moves in closer to the casket

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
But that doesn’t mean it can’t be fun!

The camera pans down into the casket to show the deceased packed in ice set with cold bottles of bear. Against the corpse’s chest is a small flat screen TV showing an NFL game, held between the deceased’s hands. Tortilla chips inset with bowls of salsa and nacho cheese ring the deceased’s head.

CUT TO:

EXT. - P.T. BUCKETKICKERS FUNERAL PARLOUR - DAY

The place looks somber from the outside, except for the TGI Friday’s style sign and red \ white striped awnings

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
At P.T. Bucketkicker’s Funeral Parlour we create the kind of funerals that people look forward to! Want to turn those tears of loss in tears of laughter? Try our “Jack in the Casket”

CUT TO:

INT. - FUNERAL PARLOUR
An elderly couple walks up to view the casket. A “SPROING” sound is heard and the corpse immediately sits upright in the casket. The elderly woman laughs, the elderly man clutches his chest and falls to the floor.

On the screen, a disclaimer is superimposed:
“Jack in a Casket option must be selected prior to rigor mortis”

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Saying goodbye makes wake attendees more aware their own days are coming to end. You can make them feel like a kid again with Wakey - our funereal clown!

CUT TO:

INT. - FUNERAL PARLOUR
Another wake, people sit in front of an open casket while others file past to pay their respects. WAKEY is also in line mocking the other mourners with exaggerated wiping of tears and other mimed gestures. WAKEY is a traditional party clown with white face, big orange hair, red nose, etc, except his jumpsuit and shoes are black and white, like a clown tuxedo, and he has crosses attached to each shoulder.

WAKEY makes a big “shush” gesture to the sitting mourners, and as standing mourner leans in over the body, WAKEY pulls out an oversized box with a big red button. When the standing mourner is looking into the casket, WAKEY pushes the button, and an arm pops up from the casket hitting the standing mourner square in the face with a pie. WAKEY mimes laughing as the pie-dripping mourner stands bakc upright. As the pie-smacked mourner turns to look at WAKEY, a powerful stream of seltzer sprays from the coffin hitting the him right in the face.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Speaking of kids, don’t you hate bringing them to funerals? P.T. Bucketkicker’s is the only funeral parlor in the tri-state area with a state-of-the-art video game arcade AND bowling alley.

CUT TO:

INT. - FUNERAL PARLOUR
Another funeral wake, mourners sit respectfully as BRUCE stands before them. The sounds of bowling can be head loudly as BRUCE starts to speak

BRUCE
I’d like to thank you all for coming. I know my mother would have been touched that all of you are here for her.

The “whoo-whoo-whoo” sound of PAC-MAN hitting a ghost is heard.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Losing a spouse is especially hard. You haven’t been to a party alone in years. So why should you go to a funeral alone? P.T. Bucketkicker’s can provide you with a funereal escort so you don’t have to face this all alone.

CUT TO:

INT. - FUNERAL PARLOUR HALLWAY
A man holds a door open as mourners file into a viewing room. The widow walks in on the arm of a topless rippled Chippendale’s dancer, complete with black spandex pants and fake white wrist cuffs. She pauses, turns and waves behind her to an elderly man entering another view room. The elderly man is in a wheel chair, very frail looking, wearing an oxygen mask attached to a bottle on his chair. The elderly man is wheeled in by a stiletto-heeled-boot wearing, leather bustier, leather shorts and fishnet clad Pussycat Doll. The elderly man smiles, and gives a thumbs up and we hear a deep pull on that oxygen.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Speaking of spouses, you began your married life with that romantic first dance. Shouldn’t you have a last dance to say goodbye? At P.T. Bucketkicker’s, we can make that happen.

CUT TO:

INT. - FUNERAL PARLOUR
Chairs have line the sides and a big area is cleared in the middle of the view room. The lights go down except for a spotlight in the center. The widow steps into the light and “I’ve Had the Time of My Life” starts playing. The deceased is wheeled in by a well-dressed funeral director on a hand truck, upright, with arms splayed in waltz position like a mannequin. The widow steps in an arranges herself so the deceased’s arms hit in the right places, which takes some time. The funeral director puts his arms under the deceased’s to help. They finally start dancing, awkwardly, with the funeral director wheeling the deceased around, and the widow doing her best to keep up.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Don’t you hate those people at the eulogy who try to make the deceased sound like a saint just because they’re dead? Let them try that with our eulogy lie detector.

CUT TO:

INT. - CHURCH - DAY
Mourners sit in the church as CHARLIE stands up at the pulpit. He stands under a wooden frame, like an airport metal detector, with a large red and a green light at the top of the frame

CHARLIE
Dan was a giving man, a loving father, and a devoted husband

A loud BUZZ sounds, and the red light lights up. Charlie and The congregated mourners burst into laughter

CHARLIE (CONT)
Oh geez...alright...let’s face it, Dan loved his underage hookers! He lived life like a penicillin tycoon on a Bangkok shore leave!

The green light lights up as a bell sounds, everyone laughs, except the widow who looks surprised and appalled, and starts crying even harder.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Finding it hard to say that final goodbye? With the Pop-up Pit, you won’t have to!

CUT TO:

EXT. - CEMETARY - DAY
All of the mourners stand grave-side as the casket is lowered into the earth. The mourners turn to leave, weeping loudly, and the casket is launched up out of the hole and lands on the ground next to the pit.

CUT TO:

EXT. - P.T. BUCKETKICKERS FUNERAL PARLOR - DAY

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
With so many options, you can customize your funeral to suit YOUR kind of fun!

A list of options starts scrolling up the screen:
CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENT NOVELY WREATHS
PARTY HUMMER-HEARSE (WITH HOT TUB)
“WHOOPEE” CASKETS
GLOW-IN-THE-DARK EMBALMING FLUID
OUR PROFESSIONAL SLAPSTICK PALLBEARING TEAM - “THE PALLIES!”
EXOTIC DANCERS FOR ALL FAITHS AND DENOMINATIONS
STAND-UP PRIESTS (FROM LAS VEGAS)

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
So if you’ve got someone to bury why not bring them on down to P.T. Bucketkicker’s...where we put the FUN back in Funeral!

The camera pans over slightly so the marquee sign in front of the Funeral Parlor can be seen. On the sign:
“Lenderman viewing: Mon 3-7
Ladies Night: Weds 7-Midnight”

FADE OUT

FSW: Funeral Edition

"Funeral" was Richard's theme and he's already up and running with a clever sketch.

Nothing from Ken yet, so we'll have to wait and see what he comes up with.

Dave still has that just washed glow so I'm not sure if he's joining us this week or not.

As for next week's theme, since it's a word I haven't heard enough the last couple of weeks, let's go with Change.


I'll Be Back

(A funeral home. Everyone is dressed in black. A closed casket sits at the center of the aisle. Julia stands and addresses the crowd.)

JULIA: Friends. Family. People who just showed up for the free food. It’s so good to see you all here today. I’m sure Henry is looking down on all of us and smiling. Smiling because so many of his friends have come to pay their respects. Smiling because he died doing what he loves, helping little, old ladies cross the street. Smiling, because he died owing large sums of money to all of you. If you’ve come looking to collect I’m afraid I have bad news. We don’t even have the funds to give him a proper burial. And the suggestion that we hack his corpse into tiny pieces and let dogs eat then shit him out, while colorful, isn't really in keeping with the spirit of the day.

(A number of people rise, grumbling and exit the room.)

Julia: We're here to remember the kindness and love that he shared with us.

Steve: He borrowed my books and never returned them.

Kate: He told me I had a fat ass.

Greg: He always ate my lunch whenever I brought it to work.

Voice From the Back of the Room: Come on. We can do better than that can’t we?

Julia: Henry? Is that you?

(Henry stands in the back. Everyone gasps.)

Julia: You're alive!

Greg: I knew it was too good to be true.

Henry: No, no, I’m dead. I just wanted to come back and check out my funeral. It's not going as well as I had hoped.

Julia: Well, it appears that you weren't the best guy to know.

Henry: Me? Come on. We all have quirks that we're ashamed of.

(Looking at those gathered. He points to a woman in the front row.)


Henry: Like Jenny here. She steals money from her senile grandmother. Or Max over there. I took his pedophilia secret to the grave with me. And Jeremy.

(He looks around the room.)

Henry: Where's Jeremy?

(A hand raises toward the back corner.)

Henry: Jeremy here is the one that pushed me in front of that train.

(A gasp from the crowd.)

Henry: Right, huh? That's shittier than eating someone's peanut butter sandwich every day. Right?

Greg: Well...

Henry: But don't worry, Jeremy. I didn't come back to haunt you. I came back to forgive you.

Jeremy: Uh...Thanks.

Henry: That and I wanted to deliver the good news myself.

Jeremy: Good news?

Henry: I'm going to be reincarnated as your son!

(Henry hugs Jeremy.)

Jeremy: That's going to be tough seeing as I don't have a girlfriend I have no plans to settle down.

Henry: I know, right. But that high school girl you’ve been diddling is about to call you and tell you she missed her period.

Jeremy: But we always use a...

(Jeremy’s cell phone rings)

Jeremy: (Into phone) Hello?....Hey, babe, can I call you right...What?...Aw shit!...Are you sure?...

Julia: You get to choose who you want to come back as?

Henry: Only in certain cases. I wasn’t supposed to die for another forty-seven years, so since I got short changed with that life, I get to pick how I want my next life to go.

Julia: The whole thing?

Henry: Pretty much. It’s going to be rough for a while. Being the child of a high school senior is never easy. But it helps build character. Besides, my grandparents are loaded. And I grow up to be the most powerful man in the world.

Julia: You’re going to be The President of the United States?

Henry: No. CEO of ExxonMobile.

Jeremy: (Hangs up the phone) Well, smart guy. Stephanie and I are going to meet to discuss our options.

Henry: What options are those? Dad.

Jeremy: Well, I think the only smart thing to do is abort you.

Henry: (Gasps) You’d kill me twice?

Jeremy: What’s to kill. You’re a zygote at this point. A teeny-tiny blob of jelly.

Henry: Haven't you heard? Life begins at the moment of conception. What about the soul?

Jeremy: Well, the way I look at it. If you’re supposed to be the baby, but you’re still here, then that means there isn’t a soul to worry about.

Henry: You’re an evil, liberal bastard.

Jeremy: Evil? You’re the one that decided to seek revenge by planting yourself in Stephanie’s uterine wall.

Henry: You haven’t seen the last of me. There's still time to come back as a mountain lion or a crocodile or grizzly bear. You better be careful where you vacation because you never know where I'll be lurking.

Jeremy: Yeah, but with the increase in global warming and more and more park land used for drilling and mining, most of the top food chain predators will be extinct soon.

Henry: Yeah, well, you better hope I don't come back as a...a...spider or something. I'll lay eggs up your nose and then you'll be sorry.

Jeremy: I'll keep plenty of Raid handy just in case.

Henry: Balls!

(Henry storms off.)

Julia: Are you really going to talk her into having an abortion?

Jeremy: Why not? Neither one of us wants to be a parent. Besides, she’d be six months pregnant when cheerleading try-outs roll around. Some things are just more important.

Julia: True.

Blackout

FSW: Death of a Henchmen

So last week, TheWife suggested I write my sketch on gatherings about a funeral. I already had an idea in mind which I liked, so I decided against it. But when it came time to pick this week's topic, I was happy to burden the other guys with funerals! This way, we ALL get to put the fun back in funeral.

I'm moderately happy with this one, though I realized as I was wrapping it up that I had no ending for it. That kinda sucks. Thankfully, I had Victor.

Death of a Henchman
(A bright living room: neatly decorated with feminine touches throughout. Several tables are laid out with casseroles and bowls of food. A large wreath dominates one corner. Many people mill about in black. The widow, MARJORIE STEVENSON, is talking with BILL JENSEN.)

MARJORIE
I still can't believe Walt's gone. It's just like him though. He promised he'd clean out the gutters this weekend. Now he'll never...
(Sobbing)
...he'll never make up another excuse to get out of helping around the house.

(Bill puts his arm around Marjorie.)

BILL
I know. He was good at that. Used to get out of cleanup at work, too. Not that anyone cared. He was worth ten of us. We were happy to do his share around the hideout.

MARJORIE
Thanks, Bill.

BILL
Quite a turnout. I'll bet every henchman in town is here.

(Sargent O'Herlihy walks over. A stout Irish man raised on beef and Irish stout, his nose looks like a potato left in a drawer too long.)

O'HERLIHY
Bill. Marjorie. I'm sorry for your loss. Walt was a black-hearted bastard, but he was always the first to buy a round at the pub. When he wasn't in the clink, that is.

MARJORIE
He always liked you, Clancy. Said you were the only clean cop he could stand.

O'HERLIHY
I liked that he never kicked me in me nether regions.

(O'Herlihy takes out a hip flask, toasts the air, and swigs. He walks away as HARLEY QUINN comes up with a covered platter.)

HARLEY
Marjorie, Mr. J. couldn't make it, but he sends his regards. And this dish he cooked himself.

(Harley pulls back the cover, exposing a very large Joker Fish. Marjorie is stone faced.)

MARJORIE
Thank you, Harley dear. Why don't you put that on the table. Leave it covered; we don't want it to...get cold.

HARLEY
It's a dish best served cold.

MARJORIE
Than hot. Wouldn't want it to get hot.

(Harley walks away with her platter of scary fishiness. STAN HOOPER comes to pay his respects. He's young, but using a walker.)

STAN
Marjorie. I don't know if you remember me. I was the Gay Blade's wheelman back in '02.

MARJORIE
Oh, right. You were the one who put the solid fuel rocket on the Blade's Kia.

STAN
(Blushing) Yeah.

BILL
How've you been? It's Stan, right?

STAN
Yeah. Stan. Uh, I've been okay. Got out of traction last month. Doc figures six, seven months of therapy and I should be back in business, God willing. You know anyone looking for a driver?

BILL
No, no. Sorry.

MARJORIE
Well thank you very much for coming by, Stan. It means a lot.

STAN
I was just wondering...I...I don't want I should be rude, but...how did it happen? You hear all sorts of rumors...

MARJORIE
He was setting up a giant boxing glove on the roof of the Fremont Tower. Some crazy scheme of The Marsupial. Something about jets or missiles--

BILL
--Captain Awesome. It was part of a trap for Captain Awesome. Missiles to box him in and the glove to finish him off.

MARJORIE
(Getting tight-chested) Right. That's it. But the springs were second rate - everything The Marsupial does is second rate - and the whole thing collapsed on...

(Marjorie trails off and starts to cry some more.)

STAN
Geez, I'm sorry. I didn't mean I should--

BILL
--It's a difficult time for us all.

(Stan backs away respectfully. Victor Von Doom strolls over carrying a plate of food.)

VON DOOM
Marjorie, Bill, darlings! You know I feel strange asking this, so soon after your dear husband was buried, but I've come to praise this Caesar salad. What's your secret?

BILL
What? Uh, it's the croutons. They're double-baked with garlic and herbs.

VON DOOM
You must give me the recipe.

BILL
You know, now's not the best--

VON DOOM
--you MUST!

(Bill sighs and walks off with Von Doom. GINGER STEINBERG comes over. She's older, but was once obviously a rare beauty.)

GINGER
Marjorie, I'm sorry.

MARJORIE
Thank you, Ginger. If anyone can understand, it's you.

GINGER
I hope not too well. You know I lost my Irving the day before his pension vested.

MARJORIE
Two days for Walt.

GINGER
Ach. It's that damn Marsupial! Why did he go work for him?

MARJORIE
Something about profit sharing and stock options. I don't know. I wish he'd just stayed on Black Manta's crew. That was nice. We got to summer at the beach and all I ever had to worry about was Aquaman sending a jellyfish to sting Walt. But he was sure The Marsupial was an up-and-comer.
(BEAT)
At least there's the Henchmen's Widows fund. And Walt carried a lot of life insurance.

GINGER
I'll bet.

(In the corner, Von Doom knocks over the wreath.)

VON DOOM
Let's Limbo!

BLACKOUT